Disarray
by Isabella Monroe
Summary: Maker, she had Amell's eyes. When the rogue fixed her gaze on him and smiled an impish grin at him, his fragile world that he had built around him crumbled in complete disarray. Anders struggles to overcome his past while the future collides into him.
1. Chapter 1 Disarray

**Prologue - Disarray**  
><strong>Ferelden Circle of Magi<strong>  
><strong>One year before the Blight<strong>

"Struggling between the facts and fiction, I'm alone but I'm alive

Everyone around me is trying to make a statement

Then there's me, I'm just trying to survive

Some day I'm gonna find it, wish I knew what I was looking for

Inside the disarray (inside the disarray), I woke up this morning

Don't know where I'm going, but it's alright, I wouldn't have it any other way"

_D__isarray_ _by Lifehouse_

Anders watched with awe as Lillah Amell sparred in the ring with both Jowan and Owain; she impressively manipulated the Veil as if it were her own personal cloak. She was a true battle mage in the making, and the two apprentices were no match for her. She quickly had disarmed them and knocked to the ground. Then she laughed as she gracefully walked over and offered them her hand to assist them to their feet. Even though she was only an apprentice herself, she immediately began instructing them and the other mages that gathered about where they had made their mistakes and ways to correct it. It was no wonder she was Irving's favorite.

"Careful, Anders, don't let the templars see that look of admiration and affection on your face," Wynne whispered as she walked up behind him.

"I do my best, but she makes it so hard when you watch her move effortlessly and so gracefully while in battle. It's hard to keep your astonishment in check," Anders murmured.

"I understand, my dear boy, but you need to do a better job. The last thing you want is for them to discover that they have something to hold over on you," Wynne said in warning.

Anders gave a curt nod of understanding. "Now I do believe that you and I had an appointment to work on my group healing spells, so why don't we leave the future battle mages to their sparring."

Later that evening, hidden deep in the stacks of the library, Anders nuzzled against the bare breast of Lillah. He lovingly ran his hands up and down her taut stomach. He loved the feel of her velvety skin beneath his fingertips. Until he had meet the beautiful temptress beside him, he had never considered himself a one woman man, but Lillah was unlike any woman he had ever met. Not only was she stunningly gorgeous with her strawberry blonde hair and deep blue eyes, but she was charming, kind, and gentle—an utter contrast to her battle persona, which was fierce, strategic and aggressive.

He adored her completely, and he needed her absolutely, which is why he needed to convince her to leave with him. He had found a hidden passage in the dungeon of the Circle and, before it was discovered by the templars and sealed, he needed to use it to escape again.

He slid his hand up her stomach to her breasts, and then he gently rubbed the nub before he leaned over gently pulled it into his mouth and sucked. He heard her breath catch as her fingers tangled in his hair. "You're insatiable, love," she said in almost a purr.

"For you, Lil, always," he murmured as he shifted on top of her and began feathering kisses down her neck to her collarbone. She pressed her hips against him and, to his surprise, he realized he was ready to take her again. She raised her hips and he slid back inside her deep warm center. It was like coming home and a shiver ran down his spine as they slowly began to move together. Maker, she felt incredible as she wrapped her legs around him, drawing him deeper into her. She grabbed his ass, indicating she wanted him to pick up the pace, which he happily accommodated. She rocked her body against his as her breasts slid against his bare chest. Her breath was now ragged as a whimper escaped her lips and she lifted her hips up to meet his thrusts and match him. She racked her nails down his back, eliciting a cry of both pleasure and pain from him. He plunged deeper into her as she writhed against him. The ecstasy overtook her and she came hard against him.

He leaned back to squeeze her breast and pinch her nipples. The look of pure pleasure on her face was enough to send him over the edge, with a final thrust he moaned. "Lil, oh Maker, Lil yes." He shuddered violently against her as he grasped her hips, held her still as he ground deeply until the final spasm calmed. He collapsed against her, kissing her neck as he gently rolled off of her. "Lily, I found a secret passage in the dungeon that leads out of the Circle. We can escape… together, we can leave this place and live our lives together free of the Circle and templars."

"Anders, I can't leave the Circle. I am still at least a year away from my Harrowing. If I get caught, they will make me tranquil," Lillah said.

Anders brushed the hair out of her face. Then he kissed her soft lips as he murmured against them, "I would never let that happen."

"You have escaped six times, and six times they have brought you back. I love you, my sweet sexy mage, but I can't leave until I pass my Harrowing."

He continued to kiss and nibble at her neck. "Then I will wait."

"I can't ask you to do that. The templars could find that passage tomorrow and close it. I know you feel like a caged bird just itching to get out. No one expected you to make it this long. I lost my bet months ago."

"What? There were bets on how long I would stay?"

Lillah laughed. "Of course. I said you wouldn't last nine months, but you have been here almost a year."

"That is due to you, my dear. I would have been gone months ago if it weren't for you, and I can't imagine leaving the Circle without you. So I will make everyone lose their bets and I will wait for you to pass your Harrowing. Then we will leave this hell hole together."

She lovingly kissed his lips as she slowly stood to get dressed. "Well, then I look forward to life on the run with you."

Two weeks later, after dinner as Anders and Lillah made their way up to the library, Jowan came running up to them. "Did you hear that the templars found a hidden passageway out of the Circle?"

Anders felt his heart sink. "Aaah, no, I hadn't heard that. When did they find it?"

"Earlier this evening. They are going to start working on closing it tomorrow. They have templars guarding it now. Damn, I wish I had known about sooner. Anders and I could have been on the lamb together," Jowan said.

Anders gave him a sardonic smile. He would rather attack the Dark City by himself than escape with Jowan. "Yeah, maybe next time."

"Where are you two headed?" Jowan asked.

"Aaah, I asked Anders to help me with my healing spells, so we are headed to the library to get some books on healing theory," Lillah replied.

"Oh, okay, well I will see you later," Jowan said as he headed down the corridor.

As soon as he was out of earshot, Lillah turned to Anders. "You have to leave tonight, before they close the passage."

"I'm not leaving without you. I will find a way out for us a year from now," Anders replied.

"Anders, I love you, but the longer you stay here, the more that little spark that makes you who you are diminishes. I don't want to be responsible for that."

"I can wait a year, Lil. I can't leave without you. Freedom means nothing without you."

"Anything can happen in a year. This opportunity may never come again—"

"I will find another way out. I have done it six times and I will do it again when you are ready to leave."

Lillah was silent for a long moment then she nodded to herself as if she had come to a decision. "Then we will both leave tonight."

"What? No, you were right. If they catch you before your Harrowing, there is a good chance they will make you tranquil. I can't let that happen. I can't be responsible for that. That would be incredibly selfish of me. I can wait. You my sweet are worth the wait."

"Anders, love, you have to go tonight. Please, I beg you. I will go with you if you want me to, but you need to go."

"Why? Why the urgency now?"

"That is what I wanted to talk with you about in the library. I overheard Irving telling one of the senior enchanters that because you were so hard to control and that you keep telling the apprentices that all mages have the right to be free that they have scheduled you to be made tranquil."

"What? I have been here for almost a year and I haven't made one attempt to leave. And I only mentioned in passing once or twice that freedom should be given to all beings!" Anders said as he paced the floor then he grabbed her and pulled her into his arms, his lips crashing against hers as he desperately kissed her.

"I-I can't leave you." He moaned against her sweet mouth.

"Anders, you must. They mustn't be allowed to destroy someone as beautiful as you."

"Fuck!" Anders ran his fingers through his hair in frustration.

"Go gather your things and met me in the basement outside the apprentices rooms," Lillah said.

Anders quickly kissed her again as he rushed off to pack his bag. An hour later, he met her in the basement. Together, they quietly made their way down the various corridors that led to the hidden passage. Lillah looked around the corner and surveyed that there were four templars guarding the hidden exit. Her freeze spells were strong enough to take out two of the guards and she knew Anders could handle the other two.

She eased back around the corner and whispered to Anders the layout of the room and where the guards stood. Anders nodded his understanding. Then he just stared at her beautiful face as he memorized every line, every curve, every blue speck in her eyes. He leaned into her as his lips gently brushed against hers before he passionately claimed her mouth one last time. He kissed her as if the world was ending because, to him, it was. Life without her was no life at all. He pulled back and saw the tear glide down her cheek. As he gently wiped it away, her hand came up a caressed his own tears away.

"I love you, Anders," Lillah whispered.

He looked at her for a long moment, his heart pounding out of his chest. He had never uttered those three little words to anyone. He caressed her face and leaned in once again. As his lips brushed hers, he said, "I love you, too, Lillah."

She smiled at him before she asked, "Are you ready?"

Anders nodded. Lillah pulled up the hood on her cloak to conceal her face. They both took a deep breath, and then rounded the corner. Before the four templars could even react, Lillah and Anders had quickly disabled them. He kissed her one last time before he turned away from the woman that was his entire world, and ran for his life.

**xxXxx**

Anders had been on the run for almost two years and was becoming exhausted. He was always a few days a head of the templars, but by the time that he had made it into the old keep in Amaranthine, they were right on his tail. He had made it about halfway through the Keep when he realized that he had the misfortune to pick a castle that was being overrun with darkspawn. So, not only was he fending off templars, but he was also killing these blight monsters. The floor of the room that he stood in as he fought off three genlocks was also now scattered with the dead templars that had been pursuing him when the door burst open behind him.

He spun to face whoever had entered. "I-I didn't do it!"

A warrior came rushing at him with a mage following behind her. When the mage stepped out from behind the warrior, his heart stopped beating in his chest as his jaw dropped. "Lil," he whispered. She looked just as beautiful as he remembered. Her strawberry blond hair swirled around her face as she came to a sudden halt.

She looked at him and, as recognition dawned on her, a slight smile spread across her face. "Anders," Lillah said as she stepped toward him and embraced him.

Maker, she felt wonderful back in arms—so soft, so warm.

"I am so glad to see that you are alive. I've been so worried about you," Lillah said as she released him.

Anders laughed. "You've been worried about me. From what I hear, you've been busy becoming the Hero of Ferelden. No easy task, either."

"Aaah, it was nothing, really."

"As modest as ever," Anders said as he looked her over. He couldn't believe she was here. After all this time, she was standing in front of him. He thought he would never see her again, but here she was.

"So, I see that you and the templars are still on friendly terms," Lillah said.

"Well, about that, they weren't faring to well against the darkspawn when I arrived. By the time the fight was over, Biff here was the last one standing before he made the funniest gurgling noise when he went down."

Lillah smiled. "As sympathetic as ever, I see."

That smile... the smile that made it into every one of his dreams about her and just now sent his heart racing. He had thought that he was over her, that he had accepted that he would never see her again or be with her again, but the very sight of her made his stomach tighten and his head spin.

"So what are you doing here, Anders?"

"We were just stopping here on our way back to the Circle and, as luck would have it, we arrived just as the darkspawn attacked the Keep... and now they are dead. It's a real shame. I'm all torn up over it."

She chuckled. "Yes, I can tell you're heartbroken."

Anders looked around at the darkspawn corpses strewn around him. "Lil, you are obviously here for the darkspawn. I would be happy to help."

"I can use all the help I can get. It will be like old times."

"Oh, we killed darkspawn at the Tower together. I seemed to have forgotten that part," Anders replied and smiled back at her.

"No, I mean you and I fighting things together," Lillah said.

"Well, if I remember correctly, you were the fighter. I was the lover and occasional healer."

She grinned at him. "Well, I am in definite need of a healer."

Anders raised an eyebrow. "But not a lov—"

"Commander, we really need to secure the rest of the Keep," the warrior said.

Lillah blushed and coughed slightly. "Yes, you are right, Mhairi."

It took them the rest of the night to clear out the Keep of the remaining darkspawn, rescue the senechal, and secure the grounds. Just as dawn was beginning to peek over the hilltops, the royal standard could be seen entering through the main gate. Their little group made their way down to greet the new King of Ferelden. As he approached them, Lillah bent down on one knee. Everyone around them did the same, so Anders quickly followed suit.

Anders observed as Senechal Varel gave the King a report on the state of the Keep, and watched as the dwarf that was Lillah's Blight companion and the warrior, Mhairi, both claimed to want to join the Wardens. _Well, good luck with that, _Anders thought_. Better you than me._

However, before he really could comprehend what was happening, one of the templars who had been tracking him stepped forward and accused him of murdering the templars in the Keep. The templar gave Lillah no choice; either let the templar take him back to the tower where surely he would be made tranquil, or conscript him.

She conscripted him.

When he woke up earlier this morning, he would have never believed that by the end of the day that he would see Lillah again and become a Grey Warden under her command.

During the entire exchange, Anders watched the way the King looked at Lillah and the way he smiled at her. There was a familiarity in his gaze and Anders felt his blood begin to boil. The King had married Queen Anora, but it was obvious that he had once had a relationship with the Warden-Commander. The question was if he still had a relationship with her. _Maker, no, Lil, you de__serve so much more than being the mistress of the King. _

As the conversation came to a close, Anders overheard Alistair call Lillah "my love" and that he wished that she was still at court where it would be so much more _fun._Anders had to keep from losing the contents of his stomach when the King leaned in and kissed her. He knew that it had been almost two years since he had left her, and he hadn't expected her to wait around pining for him, but he certainly felt she deserved better than this.

After the King had left, the new recruits had been led into the throne room where Anders participated in the Joining ritual. After drinking whatever heinous concoction was in the chalice, feeling the most horrific pain of his life, and having a bloodcurdling vision, he thankfully passed out. When he awoke, he was resting comfortably in a nice, warm bed and sitting in a chair beside his bed was Lillah.

She smiled at him as his gaze came to rest on her beautiful face. "Well, you made it. Anders. You are now a Grey Warden."

Anders just nodded. For once in his life, he was at a loss for words.

"Now you can stop running. You are finally safe," she said.

"We are mages. We will never be safe."

"You are protected under the Wardens. I will fight to protect you and keep you safe."

Anders nodded. The image of the King kissing her was still vividly fresh in his mind. "So... you're the King's mistress now." He struggled to keep the bitterness out of his voice.

Lillah bit at her lower lip, something she had always done when she was nervous. "Yes," she said flatly, and then paused to collect her thoughts. "We became involved during our travels trying to end the Blight. When I had discovered that he was the bastard son of Maric, I knew that he would be the best leader for Ferelden and that I had to place him on the throne. However, he could never be married to a mage, the nobles would never allow that, so I arranged for him to marry Anora."

"But why? Why did you continue to carry on a relationship with him once he was married?" Anders asked as the pain in his chest continued to grow.

She looked deep into his eyes and he could feel the tears forming there. "I-I did love you, Anders, but y-you had been gone for almost year when I was conscripted into the Wardens. I didn't receive one word from you or about you, not one rumor that someone had seen you, I didn't know if you were alive or dead. As I traveled with Alistair trying to stop the Blight and unite the country, I fell in love with him. He reminded me of you..."

"Oh great, so glad I could be so easily replaced. That seemed to work out great for him, huh?"

"Stop it. You weren't easily replaced. I mourned for you. When Alistair met me, I was in so much pain because I truly believed that you were dead, or that if you were alive, I would never see you again. Alistair tried to comfort me and help me come to terms with the fact that I would never see you again—"

"Oh, I'm sure he did. How long until he comforted himself right into your bed?"

Her jaw tightened, and she stood up and smacked him across the face. Tears streamed down her face. "You fucking bastard, I grieved for you. I thought my heart would never recover. Losing you almost killed me, and now you have the nerve to drag your arrogant ass in here and judge me? I will not apologize for moving on with my life."

She had turned to leave, but Anders grabbed her hand. "I'm sorry, Lil. That came out wrong. I'm not judging you for moving on. I truly expected you to do that, but you deserve so much more than to be the King's mistress. You deserve to openly be happy, not some secret to be hidden, and Alistair is selfish prick for treating as his dirty secret."

Her lower lip trembled as she tried to reign in her emotions. "I-I love him. It was my choice, not Alistair's. I had to convince him that this was what I wanted. I already had to give up the m-man that I loved once. I couldn't do it again, Anders. My heart couldn't take it again. I couldn't endure that pain again and come out okay. A piece of me died the night you went through that passage. If I had lost Alistair so close to losing you, I knew I would not have recovered."

Anders tugged at her hand and pulled her down on the bed beside him. He cupped her face as his thumb wiped away the tears that were now staining her cheeks. "I'm so sorry, love." It was all he could say. There were no words to take away the pain that he had inflicted on this beautiful, tender woman. He pulled her to his chest and embraced her tightly. "I hope one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me."

"There is nothing to forgive. Our lives just took different directions. You were my first love. I will always care deeply for you."

"Same here," Anders replied, but in his mind, he said, "_I will always love you."_

Over the next nine months, Anders worked tirelessly by her side to end the darkspawn threat and to kill the Brood Mother and the Architect, but being close to her every day and not allowed to touch her, hold her, take comfort in her was slowly killing him. However, what nearly drove him out of his mind was when the King would show up to _inspect the progress of rebuilding the Wardens._Inspection, his ass—it's hard to inspect the rebuilding from inside the Commander's bedchamber. Anders understood Lil's need to be with him, but he wished that she could see that she deserved so much more. It didn't have to be with him, although that would be nice, but that she deserved to be with a man that she could openly love and be loved in return and not just when he could make an excuse to sneak away from his wife.

As they approached the final battle, he already knew he couldn't stay here at Vigil's Keep with her. His heart couldn't take being this close to her again, but not be loved by her. He thought he would go to the Warden compound in Orlais, but when Kristoff died and Justice had made the offer to help him with his plight for the mages, he willingly and gratefully accepted it. Justice had been his saving grace. He fought valiantly during that final battle and, when the walls of the Keep came down, he removed his robes and placed them and his staff on a Keep soldier who looked similar to him, but whose face had been rendered unrecognizable. With Justice as his new counterpart, he made his way to the port of Amaranthine and bought a ticket to Kirkwall.

**xxXxx**

Anders had been in Kirkwall only a couple of months, but he had managed to establish himself and set up a free clinic in Darktown. Justice had really helped keep him focused; during the day he was too busy with patients to even think about Lil, and most nights he fell into to bed so exhausted that she was nothing but a brief passing thought. At times, he felt guilty for not thinking of her more, but then the image of her in Alistair's embrace would flicker through his mind, and the guilt would be replaced with anger over the injustice of the whole situation. If it weren't for the injustices of the Circle and the Chantry, he would be with the woman he loved. What he never realized, or what Justice never pointed out, was that if it weren't for the Circle, he would have never met Lillah in the first place.

He had been come comfortable in with his daily routine—get up in the morning, work on his manifesto, open clinic doors by eight o'clock, see patients most of the day, and then craft potions before he fell back into bed. It was a lonely life of solitude but, in may ways, he enjoyed the peace that the routine had brought him. What he was not prepared for was for that peace and solitude to be thrown upside down.

It had been a quiet day until the panicked parents rushed into the clinic with their son in their arms as the young boy clutched his chest, his breath raspy as he struggled to breathe. They laid him on the table and Anders quickly examined him. He immediately spotted the heart murmur and began to concentrate all of his healing energy toward the damaged organ. It took all of his strength and then some as he went through several bottles of lyrium. He thought he had almost lost the boy until the boy jolted up as he gasped for breath.

Anders turned from the table as he doubled over, trying to regain his strength. He heard the door of the clinic open and he felt something familiar... something magical entered the room.

He spun around, his staff at the ready. "I have made this a place of healing and salvation. Why do you threaten it?" Standing in front of the newly-entered group was a dwarf with a nasty-looking crossbow, a warrior with ginger red hair pulled back, and beside her was the source of the magic—a raven-haired beauty. Then from behind the mage stepped a vision that made his vision blur and his head spin.

"I'm just here to talk," the mahogany-haired rogue said. "Let me just put my daggers down here. I mean you no harm. I just want to talk."

Anders' heart was beating out of his chest. Unlike Lillah, the woman who stood in front of him had dark mahogany red hair, but her facial features were remarkably similar; they could have been sisters. Her sparkling deep blue eyes were exactly the same as the ones he had tried so hard to forget, but that had plagued his dreams for months. By the Maker, she had Lillah's eyes. When she fixed her gaze on him and smiled a roguish grin at him, his fragile world that he had built around him crumbled in complete disarray.

* * *

><p>AN – A huge thank the betalicious duo, Jinxy and Mackillian. Thank you ladies for your help and insight. I look forward to working with you on this new story.

*Also, I am co-Authoring a story with the mixy Jinx1983. It's called Keep Holding On. Summary - Anders told Lady Hawke that he laid awake for 3 years thinking about her. Those would be some very interesting thoughts and fantasies...a series of one shots would do those years some justice. Ht tp:/ /ww /s/ 703 9437/1/ Keep_ Holding_ On (remove the spaces)


	2. Chapter 2 Unwell

**Chapter 1 – Unwell**

"All day starin' at the ceilin' makin' friends with shadows on my wall

All night hearing voices tellin' me that I should get some sleep

Because tomorrow might be good for somethin'

Hold on, feelin' like I'm headed for a breakdown, and I don't know why

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell, I know, right now you can't tell

But stay a while and maybe then you'll see, a different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired, I know, right now you don't care

But soon enough you're gonna think of me and how I used to be, me"

_Unwell by Matchbox Twenty_

Anders fell into his bed immediately after Rylee Hawke, her sister, Bethany, the dwarf, Varric, and the city guard, Aveline, had left his clinic after what had proven to be an extremely stressful and emotional evening. Once the shock of seeing Lillah's twin had worn off and his tongue had finally found the ability to work again, he discovered that the rogue was looking for an entrance into the Deep Roads. Although he had no desire to ever go back down into the darkspawn infested tunnels, he saw it as an opportunity to help his dear friend. That was one of his reasons for coming to Kirkwall, after all, and he would do all that he could to help Karl escape from the wretched Gallows. _The Gallows_. Just the thought of the place made his stomach twist into knots. He hated it and everything that it stood for. It was nothing more than a prison, an endless, dark hole where good men and women were locked up just because they were different.

After a few interrogating questions and some convincing from her apostate sister, Rylee had agreed to help him out with Karl. He couldn't help but stare continuously at the rogue until she finally called him out on it. That was when he learned that Rylee was actually a distant cousin of Lillah's, which accounted for their uncanny resemblance, but their similarities ended with their looks. Lil had a kind word for everyone, while Rylee was quick-witted and had a sharp tongue. Due to being raised in the Circle, Lil was respectful and courteous, while Rylee was irreverent, mischievous, and he definitely saw a hint of her having a naughty sense of humor from the playful banter that she had with the dwarf. She actually reminded him of himself when he was younger and _not_possessed. The one thing that the cousins undeniably had in common was that they both were caring and compassionate.

After the events that took place in the chantry this evening—specifically, Justice dealing death to the templars like a dealer in a Diamondback game—Anders wouldn't have been surprised if Rylee had come back to his clinic ready to kill the abomination that she had to have thought he was. Instead, her first concern had been for his well being. She had been so sympathetic when she offered him her condolences regarding Karl's death at his own hands, offering him comfort and reassurance that he had done the right thing. She had poured him a small glass of whiskey from Varric's flask to help ease his tension. When he had refused, she had everyone pour themselves a drink, and then she made a toast to Karl's memory.

As the alcohol slid down his throat, warming and relaxing him, he couldn't help but smile that she had masterfully manipulated him without even realizing that she had done it.

_Damn, she was good, _he thought.

_**She is someone that we need to be leery of. You must remain guarded around her**__, _Justice said warily inside his head.

_How can you say that? She just helped us. She could have come here completely outraged by your act of violence, but she has yet to even b__ring that up. She is more concerned about how I feel than about what we did._

_**You haven't had alcohol since we merged. She sweet-talked you into taking a drink, and you didn't even realize it until it was too late. She is a master manipulator and she is da**__**ngerous.**_

Anders ignored the spirit.

Rylee smiled at him as she rested her hand on his. "Feel a little better?"

The warmth of the alcohol was soothing and calming. He smiled back at her. "Yes, thank you, even though I do believe that you tricked me into that drink."

She chuckled as she sat down on the bed beside him. "Tricked you? Never! I just used some my feminine wiles to help ease some of your troubles."

_**See, I told you… trouble!**_

_Oh, shut up, _Anders thought.

Varric smirked. "If feminine wiles were all you needed to get him to drink, I really don't wanna know what else you can do to a man once you put your mind to it."

"Oh, my playbook is long and extensive," Rylee said with an impish grin.

"Maker, help me if you ever set your sights on me," Anders replied.

"Sadly, I do believe someone else already has their eyes on you," Rylee said with a sigh, and then unconsciously glanced at her sister, who was now three shades of red.

Anders leaned over and whispered, "Hmmm, how much have you had to drink? Because I do believe you are seeing things that aren't there."

She grinned that roguish smile of hers as she whispered back, "Whatever gets you through the night, my friend. Just be gentle when you break her heart. She isn't as worldly as I am." She patted his knee as she stood up. "Well, I know it has been a long night for you, so we will let you get some rest. I will check in on you tomorrow. I want to hear all about the blue-eyed glowy thing."

Later, as Anders lay in bed, he had to chuckle when he thought about how smoothly and effortlessly Rylee had handled the whole situation this evening. She had to be only twenty, twenty-one at the most, but she had the maturity of someone much older than her. Something in her life had forced her to become more responsible, probably before she was ready. He wondered what that something was and how, even with that misfortune, she managed to maintain her wit and charm.

He liked her. She intrigued him and he wanted to help her, but she looked so much like Lillah that he didn't know if he could handle the constant reminder of all that he'd once had and lost. As he began to fall asleep, he thought of Lillah and all the many times they had spent together in the library stacks. A sad smile spread across his face as he drifted into the Fade.

The following morning, Anders was busy working with patients and hardly even sensed when Rylee and Bethany had entered the building. They stood off to the side and watched him work. He tried to remain strong, channeling his mana, but all the healing that he was doing today was draining him rapidly. That was when Bethany stepped in and she smiled at him as she said, "Let me heal the minor wounds so that you can save your strength for those in more serious need."

He was taken aback that she was so willing to help him, and he thanked her for the offer. With her assistance, they had all of the patients healed and on their way within an hour's time. "Thank you, Bethany. I really appreciate your help. I don't know how much longer I would have lasted."

"Oh, your welcome! I was happy to do it. I know my healing spells aren't as strong as yours, but I'm glad I could help out some," Bethany said with a smile.

Maker, she was beautiful, but she had to be ten years younger than him and was definitely jailbait. Her sister, on the other hand, was exactly the type of woman he would have gone after if he was the old Anders, the fun Anders, the not broken, brokenhearted and possessed Anders. "Your healing spells were good and, with a little bit of work, you could make them even stronger," Anders told her.

She continued to smile at him. "Would you be willing to work with me and teach me?"

Anders eyes widened. He certainly didn't have the time to teach her new spells and he didn't need the distraction. He glanced over at Rylee, who raised an eyebrow and gave him an encouraging smile. Damn it, she had done so much for him already. Not only had she helped with Karl, but she had been a true friend last night when he really needed one. He looked at Bethany and smiled back at her. "Of course. I would be happy to work with you when you're not off trying to conquer the world with your sister."

"Thank you, Anders. I really appreciate it. Oh, I almost forgot," Bethany said as she reached into her bag. "The other day I was out on the cost gathering herbs and I really picked more than I needed. I made a few extra potions for you. I'm sure that you could use them here."

Anders was once again humbled by her kindness. "I don't know what to say… thank you. That was very thoughtful of you. I was running low."

"You're welcome. You are doing a very noble thing here, Anders. I just want to help if I can," Bethany said.

"Well, now that the mushy stuff is out of the way, I do believe you owe me an explanation Mr. Blue Man," Rylee said with a chuckle as she stepped up to them.

"You're right, I do, but before I explain, can I ask you something first?" Anders asked. Rylee nodded. "After the events in the chantry, any sane person would have rushed back here last night, ready to kill the abomination that had just taken out a half a dozen templars. Instead, you came back here, offered me a drink, and tried to comfort me in my grief. Why?"

"Ah, so you are working under the rational that I am sane," Rylee said with a grin.

Anders chuckled. "Well, I certainly hope so."

"Well, the jury is still out on that one, but I know that you aren't an abomination. You have a Fade spirit in you, correct?"

Anders jaw dropped in shock. "W-what? H-how?"

"My father was an apostate… a powerful mage. He taught Bethany everything she knows about magic. He was also a spirit healer, and he worked very closely with the Spirit of Fortitude. I've never seen my father do the Blue Man routine, but I have seen his entire demeanor change when he would be working closely with Fortitude. So, you see, I know you're not an abomination or crazy, you're just a little unwell."

Anders laughed. "Well, nicely phrased, but that's putting it mildly. Spirit healers work closely with Fade spirits to heal. As a matter of fact, I work closely with a Fade Spirit when I heal, but that is different than what happened to me. When I was a Warden, I met the Spirit of Justice that was trapped outside of the Fade. He helped the Warden Commander fight against a war that was taking place between feuding fractions of darkspawn…"

"What? How in the void is that possible?" Rylee asked.

"Another story for another time. Anyway, during this ongoing fight, Justice and I became friends. He saw the injustices that were being done to mages and agreed with me that things needed to change. He wanted to help our plight, so when the host that he had been living in died, I-I allowed him to merge with me. I thought I was helping, I thought we would do some good together, but my anger… changed him… corrupted him into a spirit of Vengeance… I destroyed my friend."

Rylee placed her hand reassuringly on his arm. "Anders, you didn't know what would happen to Justice when you offered to help. You were trying to help your friend while at the same time fighting for the rights of all mages. That is an honorable thing to do."

_Beautiful, kind, and wise, surely she made a deal with a demon herself, _Anders thought.

_**Don't even jest about such a thing.**_

_Which part? The demon bit or the beautiful, kind and__ wise bit?_

_**Both.**_

"I know it didn't work the way you wanted, but... it was brave, what you did with Justice," Bethany said.

Anders smiled sadly at the naïve mage. "I meant well, but the way to the Black City is paved with good intentions. I don't know if I can or should be forgiven for this act of stupidity."

"Well, as the saying goes, the stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget. Which one are you, Anders?" Rylee asked. Bethany shot her sister a look of irritation and Rylee just shrugged and raised her eyebrows in a look that silently asked, "What did I say?"

Anders laughed. Yes, she was definitely wise beyond her years. "I would hope that I am wise."

"Well, good. Then you need to learn to forgive yourself, but never forget so that you don't repeat the mistake," Rylee said.

_**Yes, there is much wisdom there hidden below the sarcasm. I still don't trust her.**_

_Oh, would you give it a rest._

Anders turned his outward attention back to Rylee. "I will certainly try. I didn't have a chance to tell you yesterday, but my maps are yours and if you ever need my help please don't hesitate to ask."

"Thank you. And, now that you mention it..."

Anders smirked. "Well, that didn't take long. What does the lovely Lady Hawke require of me?"

'_**The lovely Lady Hawke.' Tell me you are not flirting with her.**_

_So what if I am? Flirting is good for the soul. Now hush!_

"Well, in about a week, I need to return an amulet to the Dalish camp at Sundermount. I was hoping you would accompany me," Rylee said.

"Why do I get the feeling this isn't a normal amulet?"

"Probably because it's not and I would prefer to have a powerful mage at my side when I return it."

"I am at your service," Anders replied with a grin. This was the best that he had felt in months and he was looking forward to getting out of Kirkwall for a while.

**xxXxx**

Anders stared into the fire as he reflected on the events of the past two weeks. Rylee had been true to her word and, a week after the chantry incident, they left for Sundermount. Anders had enjoyed the fresh air, the tranquility of the mountain, and the camaraderie of traveling with a group again. He hadn't realized how much he had missed that until he listened to the friendly banter that was exchanged between Rylee, Varric, and Rylee's newest addition to her entourage, the infamous pirate, Captain Isabela.

As they made their way out of the city, Isabela had been staring at him for most of the morning. When he couldn't take it anymore, he glared at her, completely frustrated. "What?"

"You look so familiar," Isabela said.

Anders relaxed and smiled. "I was thinking the same thing."

"We weren't stranded on an island together, I would definitely have remembered that, but I have seen you before."

"For some reason, I believe a lot of ale was involved."

"Isabela and ale… no, really?" Rylee said.

"I can't quite place where I've seen you—wait, you're Fereldan, right? Have you been to the Pearl?" Isabela asked.

Anders chuckled. "Maker's pumping pole, that's where I've seen you."

Rylee choked. "M-maker's what?"

"Maker's pumping pole… it's this thing I do… or used too," Anders said.

"Creating blasphemous curses is a thing you do?" Rylee asked.

Anders grinned at her. "Yeah, I used too. Not so much, anymore."

Rylee's roguish grin spread across her face. "I think we are going to get along superbly, Mr. Blue Man."

"Do you have to call me that?"

"Why, does it bug you?"

"Yes, it does."

"Then yes, I do. Union rules… I must annoy all employees," Rylee said mockingly.

Anders just muttered under his breath.

"How about I shorten it Bluesy?" she asked.

"If you must," Anders mumbled.

"So I saw you at the Pearl. You're that hot little number who did that electricity thing. That was nice, very nice indeed," Isabela said.

"I really don't think I need to know this about either one of you," Varric said.

"Ooo, I sense a story coming along. Someone pass the ale!" Rylee exclaimed.

"It's a little early for ale, Hawke," Varric stated.

Rylee chuckled. "Varric, you're a disgrace to dwarves everywhere. It's never too early for ale."

Isabela chortled. "A dwarf saying it's too early to drink? That in and of itself calls for a toast."

Rylee shamelessly batted her big blue eyes at Anders. "My, my, you definitely have my attention now. So what electricity thing, Bluesy? Can we or, more importantly, can _I_have a demonstration?"

His heart nearly leapt into his chest. That was another way that the cousins were completely different. Although they were the same age, Lillah was shy and naïve, and it had been Anders who had pursued her. Rylee, however, was worldly and very confident in her sexuality.

He gulped.

_Maker, she had to be a lioness in bed, _Anders thought dreamily_._

_**Anders! Snap out of it. You cannot allow yourself to think of her like that.**_

_Ah, I wasn't._

_**Yes, you were.**_

_You're right. Note to self: must not think of th__e pretty rogue sexually. She is an asexual person to me. Better?_

_**Much.**_

_But you have to admit, she does have a gorgeous ass._

_**ANDERS!**_

_Right, asexual person, asexual person, asexual person, asexual person._

Anders realized that Rylee was looking at him, waiting for an answer. "Would you like a normal demonstration, or the naked variety?" he asked out loud.

_**Now you're just doing it on purpose to make me angry.**_

_No. I'm not. I'm just allowing myself to have some fun. No harm will come of it._

_**I wouldn't be**__** too sure of that, my friend. She is dangerous. **_

_Dangerous? How could she be dangerous?_

_**Because she is exactly what you need to forget Lillah and to find contentment.**_

_What's wrong with that? I'm tired of being in pain._

_**Contentment breeds complacency, w**__**hich will cause you to lose your focus.**_

_It won't. She won't. She is a friend, and I really could use a friend right about now._

_**Then if she is only a friend, stop staring at her ass and thinking about how gorgeous it is. **_Justice then eased back to the edges of Anders' mind.

"Well, if we can find a private cave... the naked variety!" Rylee said with wink that caused Anders' stomach to flip.

"Good choice." Isabela chuckled. "Although the normal demonstration isn't bad either."

The friendly banter continued throughout the rest of the trip, and Anders hadn't enjoyed himself this much since before he had become a Grey Warden. Now, as they made their way back to Kirkwall, he didn't want the trip to end. He was not looking forward going back to the smell of Darktown, the clinic, and to the loneliness.

After Rylee and Varric had finished cleaning up after dinner, she made her way over and sat beside him. "Thank you for accompanying me on this trip. I really appreciate it."

"I'm glad I could help and, I have to admit, I enjoyed getting out of Kirkwall. It was fun," Anders replied.

She snorted. "Fun? Fighting our way through countless smugglers, killing some walking corpses, meeting the Witch of the Wilds, watching her transform into a dragon, and bringing back a blood mage is your idea of a good time? I'd hate see how you entertain a girl on a date."

"Hey, most girls have lots of fun on dates with me. At least, I think they did, except for that one... um... nevermind."

"Oh, do tell, now that you have my curiosity up."

Anders chuckled. "Let's just say she wasn't as fireproof as she claimed to be."

"So I should tell Bethany to wear fire resistant clothes?"

"Ah, about that. Bethany is a very sweet, beautiful girl, but she is just that—a girl. She is much too young for me."

"And exactly how old are you, Anders?"

"I'm twenty-seven."

Rylee let out a low whistle. "Yes, you're right, old man. You're ancient."

"Why, yes, I am. My staff is the best walking stick ever."

"Which one?"

Anders started to choke. "Are you always so blunt?"

Rylee chucked. "I'm not blunt. I'm sharp and witty and most people love me for it."

"It's easy to see why. You make it very hard not to like you, I might add," Anders murmured.

"So, are you saying that you like me?"

"Yes, you have been a good friend and I have enjoyed this little excursion."

"Well, I'm sorry if my command style is not as elegant as my famous cousin's," Rylee said.

Anders' head snapped up. "So you know your cousin Lillah?"

"Yes, we knew each other as children, and then met again at Ostagar a few days before the final battle. Even then, her advice and instruction demanded attention from those around her. Alistair was falling head over heels on her every word."

"I'm sure he was," Anders said bitterly.

Rylee cocked her head and looked at him curiously. "Do I detect an acidic tone in that statement?"

"Picked up on that, did you? Let's just say that the King and I are not the greatest of friends."

"Sounds like another good story."

Anders waved her off. "I'm sorry, Rylee, I really don't want to talk about that."

"I understand."

"Would you mind telling me about Ostagar?"

"Only if you promise to one day tell me about what happened between you, Lillah, and Alistair?"

"One day, yes, but I'm not ready to talk about it now," Anders said as the melancholy settled on him like pollen in the springtime.

"Well, everything that you have heard about Ostagar is true and much worse—the blood, the death, the feeling of ultimate betrayal from a man you grew up admiring. It was a complete nightmare; Carver and I barely got out alive. We raced to Lothering to get mother and Bethany before the darkspawn overran the town. We barely made it. We got there in just enough time to get them out with just the clothes on their backs," Rylee said, almost in a daze as she recalled the memories.

Anders placed a hand on her arm. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to drudge up bad memories."

Rylee shook her head. "It's okay."

There was a lull in the conversation before Anders finally asked, "So you met Lillah? Was that the first time that you had ever met your cousin?"

"No, I had known her as a child before she was sent to the Circle. Her parents knew that she was a mage, so she often spent summers with my family so that my father could teach her how to control her magic. When the templars found her and took her away, Bethany was devastated and frightened. I promised her that I would never allow the templars to take her, that I would die before I let that happen. I have been protecting her ever since."

"How old were you when that happened?"

"Thirteen."

Anders couldn't help but feel admiration at Rylee's conviction. "That's a lot of responsibility for a young girl to shoulder."

"She is my sister. I love her. I would risk everything for those I loved."

"And what does a mage have to do to earn that type of protection from you?"

"Oh, you only have to win my heart," Rylee said with a grin.

"Not an easy task," Varric muttered.

"However, from what I hear, it's her body that doesn't take a lot of work to gain access to," Isabela said.

Rylee's eyes widened with shock from the comment. "From what I hear, neither does yours."

Anders raised an eyebrow and smirked. "So you aren't denying that your body is easily attainable?"

Rylee's cheeks turned a deep shade of red. "It is... I mean it isn't... it's just… let's just say I've given my body away more than I've given my heart away."

"How often have you given your heart away?" Anders asked.

Rylee paused then whispered, "I've never given it away."

That eye-opening statement silenced the entire camp.

_**It's very sad and somehow very unjust that a creature as beautiful and caring as her has never known the joy of love. **_

Anders felt his heart break a little for her. _Yes, you're right. It's actually tragic._

Anders reached out to her and touched her knee. "Why?"

There was a pained look in her eyes and sorrow encompassed her entire being. "Because I have never met a man that measured up to my father."

Anders looked at her for a long moment before he said, "Your father must have been an impressive man to earn such deep respect, admiration, and love."

"He was." Then she quickly stood up and gathered in her emotions. "Well, it's been a long day. I think I will turn in. Goodnight, Bluesy."

He smiled at the nickname. "Goodnight, Rylee."

Anders laid on his bedroll that night staring up at the stars. The revelation that someone as beautiful on the inside as well as the outside as Rylee had never fallen in love boggled his mind. There was more to the story than she was willing to tell at this point. He was dying to know, but he wouldn't press her. He would wait until she was ready to tell him the tale.

* * *

><p><strong>AN** - **I wanted to thank everyone for your reviews and for adding this story to your alert and favs list. The response has been awesome and I appreciate your support. I always try to respond to review posts, but if I missed someone, I apologize and please know that I am grateful for you taking the time to read and review.**

**I also want to thank my fantabulous betas, ****Jinxy and Mackillian****, for their rad beta-ing skills, for their support and for being such great sounding board. You girls rock!**


	3. Chapter 3 You've Got A Friend

**Chapter 2 – You've Got A Friend**

"If the sky above you should turn dark and full of clouds and

that old north wind should begin to blow, keep your head together and call my name out loud.

Soon I will be knocking upon your door.

You just call out my name, and you know where ever I am, I'll come running to see you again.

Winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you have to do is call and I'll be there.

Hey, ain't it good to know that you've got a friend? People can be so cold.

They'll hurt you and desert you. Well, they'll take your soul if you let them,

oh yeah, but don't you let them."

_You've Got A Friend by James Taylor_

Anders watched the beautiful rogue pace back and forth in his clinic as she ranted about her uncle squandering their mother's inheritance and selling their estate to slave traders. She had asked him to accompany her, Bethany, and Varric when they broke into the basement of the estate to retrieve the will. She had been irate when she read the will and discovered that her mother and her children had been named sole heirs and that their uncle was supposed to live off a stipend controlled by her mother.

Obviously, the confrontation at home hadn't gone well.

"I know he is family, but he is the vilest person that I have ever met!" Rylee said.

Anders snorted. "Well, that is saying something, because we have met some very depraved people. Does he really compare to Magistrate Vanard or his loathsome son Kelder or despicable Ghyslain or how about—"

"Okay, I get your point. No, he isn't as bad them, but to steal my mother's birthright and then to lie about it… makes me so angry I want to hit something! I wanna hit something hard!"

"Well, then, hit Fenris. He can take it. We'll sell shirts that say, 'Today I hit a lyrium tattooed elf! Have you?'," Anders deadpanned.

Rylee looked at him, and then burst out laughing as she sat beside him on the cot. "You just want an excuse to see me hit Fenris."

"Am I that obvious?" Anders asked with a smirk.

"Oh, only to anyone who really knows you, my friend," Rylee said as she patted his knee. "Thank you for letting me vent and for making me see that I'm acting like an ass."

Anders took her hand in his and smiled at her. "Isn't it good to know that you got a friend?"

She smiled back at him. "Yes it is."

"It's late, Rylee. I hate the idea of you walking through Darktown and Lowtown at this hour. I have an extra cot, why don't you spend the night here," Anders said.

"Thanks, Anders. I think I will take you up on that," Rylee replied.

"Good, let me get you a pillow and some blankets. It gets chilly down here at night." He helped her make her bed then he pulled the dividing screen between them. He settled on his cot and began to remove his robes when he noticed movement out of the corner of his eye. He turned and gulped.

The candle on Rylee's side silhouetted her figure against the thin material of the dividing screen, and he watched, mesmerized, as she slowly began to remove her chest piece, and then slid her trousers off. She pulled her hair out of the ponytail and he watched it fall down around her back. Maker, the candle outlined her exquisite figure and Anders' breath hitched in his throat. She lifted her leg and rested it on the side of the cot, her silhouette bent over as she ran her hands down her leg as if she was inspecting a previous injury.

There was a time in his life that a beautiful woman would not be sleeping in a separate cot mere feet away from him. She would be in his arms as he explored every inch of her.

Justice took exception to the thought. _**Well, those times are over and, if I remember correctly, you were to think of her as asexual.**_

_Are you bloody blind, man? There is nothing sexless about the womanly figure on the__ other side of that screen._

There was a long pause. _**I am not blind, but you are the one who wants this friendship to work. So you must find away to be blind to her… well-formed attributes.**_

_Well-formed attributes, huh? Glad to see you're a man after all. __Welcome to the human condition and the well known feeling of being aroused._

_**Is that what that is? I was starting to get worried that you might now be possessed by desire demon.**_

_Oh, she's a demon all right, but one you would love to get possessed by._

_**I a**__**m above such things.**_

_Yes, but still unable to stop staring at her._

_**Enough!**_

_Fine, I'll go to sleep now. _Anders looked over at her one last time as she blew out the light, he heard her crawl into bed.

"Good night, Anders," she whispered.

"Good night, Ry."

The following morning he was up early. He quickly and quietly filled his water basin, washed up, and got dressed. He made some tea for them then moved aside the screen and watched her peaceful sleeping form. He set the tea down on the table beside her cot. Then he knelt beside her and gently brushed a few strands of hair out of her face.

Her eyes fluttered open and she grinned at him. "Morning."

"Morning, sleepyhead. I made you some tea," Anders said.

She stretched and the blanket slipped down revealing a form fitting shirt. Before Justice could even say anything, Anders averted his eyes. "Thank you. It smells wonderful," she mumbled as she took a sip.

A cough came from behind him, and Anders turned to see Bethany standing there. He realized how this very innocent exchange must look. Anders stood up to face Bethany as Rylee wrapped the blanket around her.

"So here you are. Mother was worried half the night about you when you didn't come home," Bethany said as a pained expression crossed her face.

"I-I came here last night to vent about Gamlen and by the time we were done talking, it was late. I didn't want to walk home by myself, so Anders offered an extra cot for me to sleep on. I will apologize to Mother for worrying her," Rylee said.

Bethany gave a curt nod, and then walked back into the clinic. Rylee closed her eyes and squeezed the bridge of her nose as she let out a frustrated sigh.

Anders bent back down to her and whispered, "I will let her know that it was completely innocent, and that nothing happened here last night."

She looked at him for a long moment with a complex mixture of emotions that flickering across her face. He couldn't make out all of them, but he could have sworn there was a hint disappointment and wistfulness. Then she smiled. "Thank you. I know that you said that she is too young for you and I get that, but I don't want her to think that I am the reason that you aren't interested in her."

"I understand. I will do my best to try and explain it to her," Anders said as he stood. "I will let you get dressed."

Rylee had quickly gotten dressed. She said good-bye to both of them, but Bethany had hardly even acknowledged her sister's departure. Throughout the day, he had tried to explain to Bethany that nothing had happened, but she managed to change the conversation before he could ever really give her an explanation and she had remained aloof the entire time.

Both Anders and Bethany were lost in their thoughts as made their way to the Hanged Man after a long day at the clinic. He had been truly grateful for the help that the young mage had been providing at the clinic these past couple of months. Her healing spells had definitely improved a lot under his instruction. Teaching and training had always been one of the few things that he enjoyed during his time at the Circle and Bethany was a very willing student. At times, she was too willing. He knew that she wished for more between them, but he didn't see her that way. The pained expression that he had seen on her face this morning just reinforced that her schoolgirl crush had grown into outright interest in him. As they walked into the Hanged Man, she slid her arm through his as if announcing they were arriving together, which was not the impression he wanted to give at all. He slid his arm away from hers and gestured for her to go ahead of him to the group's table.

_**You need to make it clear to this child that you aren't interested in her. You are only leading her on.**_

_I am not leading her on. Can I help it if she finds me__ charming and irresistible?" _

_**That young, naïve girl would find a hurlock irresistible if it smiled at her nicely and told her stupid jokes.**_

_Thanks for stroking the ego there… and my jokes aren't stupid! Thanks for being so supportive. I really apprecia__te it, my friend._

_**I am supportive and I am your friend. I know how bad you will feel if you break that young girl's heart. I'm just trying to look out for the two of you.**_

_I know. Thank you._

Varric chortled. "It's about time you showed up with Sunshine, Blondie. We were beginning to wonder if you putting in a little extra tutoring time."

"Ah, it's not like that, Varric," Anders said.

"Does she know that?" Varric asked in a whisper as he nodded in Bethany's direction. She looked a little disappointed that Anders had sat beside Varric and Rylee.

"Ah… well… maybe not," Anders replied.

"Well, don't you think you should be up front with her?" Varric asked.

_**See, even the dwarf agrees with me.**_

_Maker's blue balls, would you give it a rest?_

"Did you talk with her today?" Rylee asked.

"I didn't have a chance, she kept avoiding me all day," Anders replied.

Rylee groaned. "Great, so she still thinks I slept with you."

"Now why in my ancestors smoking arses would Sunshine think that the two of you slept together?" Varric asked.

"Argh, I need an ale… Nora, make that two," Rylee said as the barmaid passed by.

Fenris' eyes furrowed as he glared at Anders. "How does the abomination get so much action?"

"Well, elf, if you didn't piss and moan so much about the mages, you might get some too," Varric said.

"Plus, it helps to have stunning wit and amazing charm… all of which you lack," Anders said.

"Excuse me? There was no action," Rylee said.

Fenris ignored Rylee's comment. "You know, mage, it's not enough that you have one Hawke sister swooning over you, but now your ego requires you to have both. I'm just about at the end of my rope with you."

Rylee waved her hands between the elf and the mage. "Hello? No swooning here."

This time Anders ignored her. "Well, then, why don't you tie a noose, slip it 'round your head, and go jump off a tall building?"

Nora set down two pints of ale in front of Rylee. "Oh, for the love of the Maker's one-eyed ogre, I might as well be talking to myself," Rylee said just before she chugged her first pint.

Fenris was about to retort to Anders comment, but stopped in mid-sentence, and both the elf and mage spun to look at her. "What?" they asked in unison.

"Oh, so I have your attention now? Good… No action," Rylee said as she pointed between Anders and herself. "No swooning! Understood?"

Varric and Fenris nodded and Anders saw Bethany smile. Damn it, it might have been better if she believed that there was something going on between him and Rylee.

He looked at Rylee and grinned. "For the love of the Maker's one-eyed ogre?"

"What? You thought you had the market cornered on creating blasphemous phrases?"

Anders grinned at her. "How long did it take you to think up that one?"

She smiled that roguish grin of hers. "Half the night."

Anders laughed. "Well, it was worth it. For the love of the Maker's one-eyed ogre… that's awesome. I'm going to have to remember that one."

Just then, a drunken sailor stumbled up to Rylee. "E-excuse me, b-but did you hear that the word of the day is l-legs?"

"Let's go to your house and spread the word," Isabela said as Anders pushed the drunk away from Rylee. "That loser used that line on me last night."

"And it didn't work?" Anders asked with mock surprise.

"This place smells of sour ale, vomit, and desperation," Fenris muttered as he sipped his ale.

"It's early yet, give it time and it will reek like the beer farts of a dwarf, the Blooming Rose's oldest hooker, and sex," Rylee said.

"And that's what's on the menu tonight," Varric said just as a good-looking human sauntered up to Rylee and pulled a chair up beside her.

"I noticed your eyes from across the room. They are as blue as the ocean and right now I'm lost at sea."

Rylee smirked and raised an eyebrow, but it was Isabela that replied, "Pl-e-asse! You couldn't get laid with that line in a whore house with a case of ale."

The noble ignored Isabela and continued to focus on Rylee. "I only speak the truth! You have the most dazzling eyes I have ever seen."

Rylee smiled and tilted her head. "Ah, thank you."

"And a stunning smile to match. This must be my lucky day," the noble replied.

"Not yet, it isn't," Fenris grumbled.

"Not if we have anything to say about it," Anders muttered.

"My name is Jamison. What is yours?"

"It's Rylee," she replied warily.

"A beautiful name to match the angel's face," Jamison said. He ran his finger down her arm, and leaned in to whisper, but spoke loudly enough that both Anders and Fenris heard his words. "This shirt is very becoming on you. If I was on you, I'd be coming to you."

Rylee's face reddened and she cocked her arm back to punch him, but Varric grabbed it just as Fenris lunged at the man, grabbing him by the collar, his tattoos beginning to glow. "No one speaks to my friend like that."

Isabela glided up beside him and placed a calming hand on his arm. "Fenris, stop the glowing thing. We've talked about this; there is no fisting in public."

Fenris shoved the noble back. "Get out of here before I regret sparing your life."

The man stumbled backward, but found his footing. He spun to face Rylee. "Fuck you, you whore!"

Anders opened his hand and pushed a wave of energy toward him, zapping the obnoxious pig in the privates. The man squealed and ran out of the tavern.

"I don't think that was the thrill he was looking for, but nice work, Blondie."

**xxXxx**

Anders woke with the warmth of the sun shining down on his face. He gradually opened his eyes and looked around camp. Everyone else still seemed be sleeping. They were on their way back to Kirkwall after rescuing the Viscount's son, Saemus. Anders was leery of nobles and politicians, and he wasn't happy when Rylee had volunteered for this job. If something had gone wrong, she would have been the perfect scapegoat. He looked over at her bedroll and realized she wasn't there. He sat up and looked around the entire camp. He didn't see her. He got up, threw on his coat, and grabbed his staff.

There was a path that led to a field with a stream that ran through it. Maybe she went down there to get cleaned up before the others woke. He followed the path to the clearing and, as he emerged from the woods, he spotted her in the field. She had her weapons drawn and she moved with grace and precision as if she were dancing with the blades—she rolled and twirled, flipped and spun. It was compelling to watch and he couldn't tear his eyes away from her. The dance looked vaguely familiar, but he couldn't place where he had seen it. The lethal dance continued as she picked up speed as she ran through the movement until she was nothing but a blur before she disappeared all together.

"You know it's rude to stare," she panted as she quietly appeared behind him.

"Shit!" He gasped and grabbed at his chest. "Sweet Andraste's tits, you scared me to death."

She giggled as she walked in front of him. "I'm sorry, Bluesy." He cocked an eyebrow at her, and she grinned. "No, you're right, I'm not sorry, but the last thing I wanted to do was give the old man a heart attack."

"Hey, I'm not that old," Anders said.

She grinned at him. "Really? 'Cause wasn't that the reason that you couldn't date my sister was because you were a dirty old man?"

"Well, the dirty part is correct," Anders replied. "So what was that dance you were doing? It was beautiful in a dangerous, deadly kind of way."

"Oh, it's a dance I learned a while back when I was learning a lot of my rogue techniques," Rylee said as she started to walk toward the stream.

"It doesn't have a name?" Anders asked as he followed her.

She smirked. "Well, it does, but if I told you I would have to kill you."

Anders stopped dead in his tracks and stared at her. "The Death Dance of the Seven Deadly Sins," he whispered.

She stopped and stared at him. "How have you heard about that dance?"

"Lillah was friends with an Antivan Crow. He visited her once at the Keep, and early one morning when he thought everyone was asleep he practiced the dance in the training yard. I couldn't sleep and was on the battlements. I asked Lillah about it later on that day and she said Zevran would be very unhappy to know that he had been spied on because the dance was considered a sacred training dance among assassins and rogue masters. So how did you learn it?"

"Well, I was in Ostagar a month before the final battle. One of the King's assassins…"

"One of the King's assassins?"

She chuckled at him. "Please don't tell me that you think only Orlais employs the services of bards and assassins?"

"Ah, no… of course not." He didn't sound very convincing.

"Uh-huh, if you say so. Anyways, this one assassin thought I had superior blade skills, so he trained with me almost every day, and when he thought I was ready, he showed me the dance."

Anders furrowed his eyebrows. "Ry, that dance is a closely guarded secret. I know that you are abundantly talented, but it still doesn't make sense that he would divulge such top secret ritual."

She looked at him for a long moment. "You aren't naïve, Anders. There are things that you share with a lover that you wouldn't share with just anyone else."

Anders blushed as he thought about all the intimate moments and lover's secrets that he had shared with Lillah. "Ah, yeah, I guess that is very true."

Rylee bent down to the stream, washed her face, neck, and hands then she sat down on the bank and patted the ground beside her. Anders sat next to her and watched the babbling water roll by. Rylee just sat there patiently waiting for him to continue or not. Finally, he said, "I was Lillah's lover when we were in the Circle together. I know what it's like to share those innermost thoughts and secrets with a lover. There wasn't anything that I didn't share with her."

Rylee studied him for a moment before she said, "And from the pained expression on your face, I would say that you were in love with her, too."

He smiled sadly as he thought about her. "I have had many lovers, but there is only one that I have ever loved."

She rested her hand on his arm as she asked tenderly, "What happened between you and Lillah?"

Rylee had a way of relaxing the person that she was talking with, of putting them at ease, causing them to want to open up to her, to tell her their deepest, darkest secrets. Anders conjured up an image of Lillah. "Your cousin was… is just as beautiful as you are. As you know, her hair is lighter… a strawberry blond, but she has the same sapphire blue eyes as you and they burn with the same passion and intensity." Anders paused as he collected his thoughts. "There wasn't a person in the Circle that wasn't drawn to her. She had a magnetism that pulled you in but, unlike you, she was very innocent… as if she didn't even realize the power that her beauty and personality held over people."

"Are you saying that I use my looks to my advantage?" Rylee asked with feigned shock.

Anders laughed. "That is exactly what I'm saying. You are gorgeous. You know it and you have no problem using your Maker given attributes to your benefit or for the benefit of others. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that. I actually admire you for it because, even though you do that, you are not in the least bit conceited. I'm not sure how you managed to pull that one off."

She smiled. "Conceit is a characteristic that can get you killed or bring unwanted attention to the father and sister you are trying to hide from the templars."

Anders nodded. "Your wisdom astounds me at times."

"Keep talking like that and it might just go to my head yet. Please continue with your story," Rylee said with a grin.

"Well, I had been recently been brought back to the tower when I saw her again for the first time in a couple of years…."

"Recently brought back?"

"Oh, I had this annoying habit of escaping the tower… annoying to the templars, but it only annoyed me when they brought me back. Anyway, the last time I saw Lil she was a gangly kid. In the time that I had been gone, she had grown—very nicely I might I add—into her womanhood. To make a long story short, I relentlessly pursued her and I finally won her over. We had a beautiful, loving affair for almost a year then by sheer accident Lillah overheard that I was scheduled to be made tranquil on the Knight-Commander's orders for all the problems that I had caused in the past. She insisted that I escape that very night, but because she hadn't passed her Harrowing yet, they could make her tranquil, too, if she were caught. I couldn't let them do that to her, so I insisted that she stay… the hardest thing I ever had to do was turn my back on her and leave her."

Rylee scooted closer to him and put her arm around his shoulders as she comforted him. "I'm sorry, Anders. I wish there was more that I could say, but there are no words to ease this loss."

Again, her insight amazed him; most people would try to offer up meaningless words to ease their own discomfort after such heartache had been revealed, but she had the foresight to realize there was nothing she could say to take the pain away. Rather than diminish his sorrow with empty expressions, she allowed the act of talking about his past to heal him.

"You don't have to continue if you don't want," Rylee said gently.

"No, I have never talked about this with anyone… it feels good to get it off of my chest," he said.

She nodded and waited for him to continue. He took a deep breath then resumed, "It was two years later that I next saw Lil. In that time, she had stopped the Blight by killing the Archdemon, become Hero of Ferelden and Warden-Commander and she had also moved on from our relationship and had become involved with Alistair. That isn't what I had a problem with; I always expected her to move on and eventually fall in love again. I even wanted her to. I didn't want her to be alone the rest of her life pining over me, but as wonderful and loving as Lillah is, she deserves more than being the mistress of the King."

"Having never been in love myself, it's hard to accurately express what she could possibly thinking or feeling, but I do know my cousin well enough to know that she is no one's fool and no one pushes her around. If she is involved with Alistair, then that is because that is where she wants to be at the moment. I also know her well enough to know that she won't like playing second to anyone for long. In time, when she is emotionally ready, she will let the king go and move on. Maybe if the timing is right, the two of you can work things out."

Anders adamantly shook his head. "First, I could never be with her again… not as I am now. Lil is kind, compassionate, and understanding, but as a mage, she would never understand or accept that I made myself a host for Justice. Second, she thinks I'm dead. When Vigil's Keep fell, I faked my death so that she didn't come looking for me."

"So you're telling me that not only am I running around with a possessed apostate who turns this fabulous shade of blue, which, by the way, blue really looks good on you, my dear, but also a dead one?"

He grinned sheepishly at her. "Yes, sorry, one of my many faults, as you can see and I'm sorry to inform you, but you're traveling around with a very well preserved corpse."

"Well preserved indeed," she said as she eyed him up and down with an approving grin.

"Hey, I'm not a piece of meat, you know. I have a brain, too," Anders replied as he pretended to be insulted.

"Yes, but I'm sure it wasn't your brain that attracted all of those 'many lovers.' When you say _many lovers_, how many is that exactly?" Rylee was unabashed.

Anders smirked at her. "I'll tell you my number if you tell me yours."

She grinned. "I'll never tell, but it's up there."

"Like Isabela's 'up there?'"

Rylee chuckled. "Maker's breath, no, I don't even think the oldest hooker at the Blooming Rose has numbers as high as Isabela's."

"You know she likes you, and I don't mean in a platonic way either," Anders said.

She smiled coyly at him. "Yes, I know."

He raised an eyebrow and, for some reason, felt a pang of jealousy. "Does that mean you're interested in her?"

"Maybe to scratch an itch, but nothing more; she really isn't my type."

"And what is your type?"

She smirked at him again as she stood up and brushed the dirt off of her trousers. "That's another thing I'll never tell. You'll just have to wait and see."

Anders stood, too. "Don't make me wait too long. I am an old man, after all."

"That's true. I'm surprised your heart can take all the excitement during a battle. I might need to start bringing Merrill or Bethany along to revive you in case you have a heart attack. It's probably a good thing you're celibate. Your heart might give out on you halfway through the act. More than likely, before you even got to the good parts."

"Who said I was celibate?" Anders asked.

_**You **_**are** _**c**__**elibate.**_

_Yes, but that doesn't have to be common knowledge._

"Oh, so you _are_having sex! Anyone I know?" Rylee asked.

"I'm not having sex _at the moment_," Anders said, a little flustered.

Rylee raised an eyebrow. "Well, that's obvious, or else that is the strangest way I ever seen it done."

"I mean, I am not currently involved with anyone sexually."

"So, you're just saving yourself for the right girl? Or are you just being picky? Either way, I wouldn't wait too long if I were you. You might keel over before you have the chance to see her in her birthday suit," she said.

"Funny, very funny," Anders replied.

She grinned her irresistible roguish grin. "I'm here all week folks, remember to tip your bar wenches. Well, we need to be heading back. Everyone should be waking about now."

Anders grabbed her arm and turned her so that she faced him. "Thank you for listening to me about Lillah. I've needed to talk about it for some time, but never had anyone I trusted enough to discuss my past with. You make it so easy… it's like I want to bare my soul to you."

"I believe it was you who said it's good to know that you have a friend. I'm here for you any time you need me." She placed her hand on the center of his chest and his heart began to pound as his stomach flipped. "You have a beautiful soul, Anders. You can bare it to me anytime."

She looked into his eyes, he saw tenderness and affection, but also noticed something else he couldn't put his finger on.

However, Justice could. _**Hunger.**_

_You're mistaken._

_**I am not and you know I'm not. Be careful.**_

"Thank you for being such a good friend. It's more than I deserve," Anders said to Rylee.

She stepped into him and hugged him. As she pressed against him, Anders timidly slid his arms around her. She felt so soft and warm. Maker, he had missed the serenity that a tender embrace could bring. Her cool breath against his neck sent shivers down his spine as she said, "Stop being so hard on yourself. You deserve friendship, love, and happiness just as much as any other human being. Don't ever forget that."

After a moment, she released him. His head was spinning with a rush emotions and euphoria that this minor interaction had on him. She then turned to head back to camp and he quickly fell into step beside her. "So you think blue is my color, huh?"

She giggled. "I didn't name you Bluesy 'cause I thought you looked good in red."

Anders smiled. It felt good to have a trusted friend in his life once again.

* * *

><p><strong>AN – I want to thank you everyone that has added this story to your favs and alert lists. The response has been awesome and I am pleased as punch that you like this story. To everyone that has taken the time to write a review, I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me. Letting me know what you like about the story is a huge motivator and it let's me know that you like the direction the story is taking. So thank you and please keep them coming.**

***A big shout out to my wowtastic betas, Jinx1983 and ****Mackillian. You ladies make me look good and for that I'm eternally grateful. You're the best!**


	4. Chapter 4 You're My Best Friend

**Chapter 3**

"Ooo, you make me live, whatever this world can give to me, it's you, you're all I see

Ooo, you make me live now honey, Ooo, you make me live,

You're the best friend that I ever had, I've been with you such a long time

You're my sunshine and I want you to know that my feelings are true

I really love you, you're my best friend, Ooo, you make me live

I've been wandering round, but I still come back to you

In rain or shine, you've stood by me girl

I'm happy, happy at home, you're my best friend."

_You're My Best Friend by Queen_

Anders sat back in his seat and watched the festivities going on in the courtyard around him. The city guardsmen were celebrating Aveline's promotion to guard captain and the warrior had insisted that Rylee and her companions join the celebration since they aided her in bringing down Jeven. Anders watched as the new guard captain interacted with her men. They all seemed to like and respect her a great deal. The two of them had not always see eye to eye, but he did hold her in high regard. Rylee had always worked hard to try and keep the peace between all of her companions. He knew that they didn't always make that easy for her, but he admired her perseverance to keep trying.

He looked across the courtyard and caught Rylee's eye. She smiled and winked at him and he returned the friendly gesture. He hadn't really known her long, only about six months, but she had become a lifeline for him. When he was working too hard in the clinic, she would come and take him away for a break. She didn't like the sight of others people's blood, which he found ironic considering how she earned a living, so she couldn't offer him help in the clinic, but she always made sure that he had plenty of lyrium and health potions available. To keep him from neglecting himself, she would bring him fresh baked bread and stews that her mother would make, and on days when the weight of Justice seemed to be dragging him under, her wit and charm would lighten his mood and help give him new perspective. Growing up in the Circle, always on the run after escaping, he had very few friends and he never had a best friend until now.

She was surrounded by several of the guardsmen as they joked and flirted with her and her easy going nature had her flirting right back with them. If he had been the old, funny Anders he would have met his match with her. He admired her technique; she made eye contact with everyone she spoke with and smiled at them, and damn she had the sexiest smile he had ever seen. She laughed at their jokes, touched their arm when engaged in conversation and when she did that thing where she bit her lower lip, she had them eating out of the palm of her hand.

"_Maker, she was good," Anders t__hought._

"_**That is a waste of time. What does it achieve?" Justice asked.**_

"_Well, besides being a great ego boost to those involved, it's also a way to harmlessly find out if someone is interested in you," Anders stated._

"_**She couldn't possibly be **__**interested in all of those men that would make her as loose as the pirate wench!"**_

_Anders couldn't help but chuckle to himself. "She isn't. Rylee uses flirting as a defense mechanism to distract those that she is engaging with from whatever her real purpos__e is. She has spent most of her life protecting her father and sister; she used flirting to divert attention away from them. She has been doing it for so long its second nature to her. I've seen her do it without even realize she doing it."_

"_**So all of tho**__**se times that batted her eyes, touched your arm, charmed and teased you; she didn't mean it?"**_

_Anders smiled sadly, "Nope, that is just who she is."_

Both Rylee, Isabela and Varric made their way over to where he was seated and plopped down in the chairs beside him.

"I have twelve," Isabela declared proudly.

"And how many didn't you offer sex too?" Rylee asked skeptically.

"Aaah, four," the pirate grudgingly admitted.

"Ha, I won! I have seven with no promise of sexual favors," Rylee proudly stated.

"Oh yeah, what was that comment you made about sucking a rock through a hose?" Isabela demanded. Both Anders and Varric began to choke.

"That is called a sexual innuendo and there was no rule against using them. We just weren't allowed to make any sexual advances or offer them sex. I got all mine on sheer talent," Rylee affirmed.

"By Andraste's hairy muffin, what in the bloody void are the two of you talking about?" Anders asked.

Rylee grinned, "Good one!"

"You liked that one?"

"Yep."

"Lovely cuss word, Anders, but would someone explain what you two have been up too," Varric demanded.

The girls looked at each other and began to giggle. "Well, you have to admit this party is a bit lame," Isabela began. "So to spice it up, Kitten and I decided to have a little contest to see who could get asked out on more dates."

"Without offering sex or the promises of any sexual act," Rylee added.

"So let me get this straight, Isabela, you had twelve offers, but only four counted and Rylee got seven on flirting and innuendos," Anders asked. The girls nodded.

"Damn I'm good, don't you agree Bluesy?" Rylee chuckled.

He grinned, "That is very impressive."

"Those guys were all morons, I dare you to try that on some real men and see how far you get," Varric declared.

"Is that a challenge, my dwarven friend?" Rylee asked.

"Do I need to spell it out for you, sweetheart? Yes, I dare you to try your feminine wiles on Anders and I, and see how far you get," Varric replied.

"And what do I get if I win, and what determines if I have won?" Rylee questioned.

"Woah, why am I being dragged into this? I said it was impressive," Anders demanded.

"Sorry Blondie, but you're in it too, just for being curious. You know what happened to the curious cat, don't you? Welcome to the chopping block."

"I don't like the sound of that, 'chopping block' " Anders said uneasily.

"We promise to keep your dangly bits in place my lovely mage, besides, someone might need them later," Isabela cooed.

"And what do I get if I win, and what determines if I have won?" Rylee asked, still trying to define the terms of the bet.

"If you manage to get either Blondie or I to want to ask you out on a date, I will buy your drinks at the Hanged Man for a month and Blondie over here will be your slave for an entire month," Varric answered.

"Ooo that's good. I could use a slave." Rylee purred as she rubbed her hands together and playfully winked at Anders.

"As long as there is no public embarrassment involved"

"Oh, damn! I was hoping I could walk you through the streets with a sign around your neck that says 'Rylee's bitch'," the rogue said with an impish grin.

Varric and Isabela burst out laughing. "Oh, I would pay good money to see that," Isabela chortled.

"Anders, you better keep an eye on her, she has a deliciously sinful streak in her," Varric warned.

"Well, since you are expecting it now it wouldn't be fair to work my wiles on an expecting audience. So you need to give me a month to work my magic,"

"But it's only a one time deal; you don't get to work your womanly charms on us for an entire month. No man could with stand that," Varric stipulated.

"I think you should give me a month to work up to it, you are men after all, not little boys, and as you stated you aren't easily lured in by my wily femme fatale ways. Or are you afraid of a little dare?" Rylee purred as she ran her fingers up and down the hairs of Varric's chest.

He watched her fingers as the caressed the curly hairs. He swatted her fingers away. "F-fine, but a month from now if we don't want to ask you out, you lose."

"And do we get if she loses?" Anders asked.

"You may choose your prize, Blondie. I on the other hand will settle for the lovely Hawke buying my drinks for a month."

"I do believe, I'm going to need some time to come up with the appropriate wager," Anders said as he winked at Rylee.

"Well, that isn't fair, she needs to know what's at stake," Isabela demanded.

"It's okay Isa, I'm not worried about it. It doesn't matter because I won't lose," Rylee stated with assurance.

"I love a woman with confidence," Isabela muttered.

"_**Anders this is not a good idea. I**__** can't believe you went along with this idea."**_

"_Oh it's just for fun, no harm will come of it," Anders replied._

"_**No harm will come of it! How can you say that? She is going to spend the next month trying to seduce you!"**_

"_Woo there, slow down a bit. Do __you understand the meaning of that word? She isn't going to try to entice me to have sex with her. She will subtlety be trying to convince me to ask her out. There is a big difference."_

"_**Anders, do friends typically ask each other out on dates?"**_

"_Aaah, t__hey could."_

"_**Okay, let try it from this angle, have you ever asked a friend out on a date that you didn't have the intention of eventually bedding?"**_

_Anders was stunned into silence._

"_**That's what I thought," Justice declared.**_

Over the next month Anders watched with fascination as Rylee set out on her task to lure himself and Varric in with her sly charms. The main thing that he had noticed was her increased flirtations with him. She had always been slightly flirty with him, but she had definitely stepped up her game – she was touching him more, smiling more, and laughing at _all _of his jokes even the stupid one. He enjoyed the extra attention, but it wasn't enough to woo him.

He also enjoyed watching her work her magic on the dwarf who appeared not to notice the subtle ways she was affecting him. The one that stood out the most was when she helped him create a story around the campfire. To Anders it seemed so blatant, but the dwarf seemed oblivious.

He had been sitting around the campfire one evening after they made their way back to Kirkwall after taking out a band of Tal-Vashoth in order to impress the Arishok. When Rylee sat down beside him his senses were inundated with the smell of vanilla and lavender. He leaned over and sniffed her, "You smell delicious."

She grinned at him, "Thank you. My mother just made this new soap for me. I'm glad you like it."

Anders nodded. "It…you smell wonderful."

A cool breeze blew and she shivered. He pulled off his robe's jacket and placed it around her shoulders. "Here, hopefully this will help keep you warm."

She snuggled down into, "Thank you."

They then had turned their attention to Varric, who was telling one of his stories of her escapades.

"So Hawke stares up at the big ugly ogre and says, 'It's either you or me and I guarantee it isn't going to be me'…"

Rylee broke out into laughter. "Varric, I would never say that. I would use more wit even though it would be lost on the dumb beast. I would say something like, 'Maker's breath that's big! What the hell do they feed those things puppies and kittens'?"

Varric beamed at her, "Thanks, Hawke, that will add a lot more to the story."

The rest of the night Hawke would add commentary to Varric's tales enlightening the dwarf on how she would react to something or things that she would say. At the end of the night, the dwarf seemed pleased as punch. Rylee handed him the coat she wished him goodnight then she turned into for bed. He slid the coat on as he too crawled onto his bed roll. He smiled to himself about how well Rylee had played Varric as the fragrance of her soap wafted up from his coat flooding his mind with dreams of her.

Even after they had returned to Kirkwall, his coat still smelled of vanilla and lavender and as he spent his days in the clinic apart from her, the scent of the soap would drift off of his coat, his mind would turn to her and he wondered what she was doing at that moment.

At the end of an especially grueling day he collapsed into a chair, let out a sigh and rested his head in his hands. He felt two hands on his shoulders and as they began to massage him, Rylee purred, "You carry way to much tension in your shoulders, my dear Mage."

"Ooo Ry, that feels so, so good," Anders moaned.

"Your coat is so thick, why don't you slide it off so I have better access," Rylee suggested.

He did as instructed and then her skilled hands rubbed and manipulated the tight, tense muscles in his neck and shoulders. He let out a slight moan as the stress of the day rolled off of him. "Oh Maker, you are very good at that. If I had extra coin I would pay you everyday to come down here and do that."

Rylee chuckled, "I hope no one passing by heard that comment; they might think something completely different is going on in here."

"Ohhh, I don't care what they think, just don't stop," he groaned. He hadn't been this relaxed in….in years.

She leaned down and kissed his cheek, "Well, I hope that helped some, but I have to run."

"Ooo, where are you going?" He asked as he strained to hide his disappointment.

"A merchant in the market told me about some plant that grows just outside the city walls that when applied to wood will make it glisten. I wanted to get some for when I polish Varric's bow."

"Aaah, so you are polishing Varric's bow, huh? I hope that isn't a metaphor for something else," Anders said with a smirk.

She smacked him, but then she let her hand linger on his arm for a moment as smiled up at him. If he didn't know what she was trying to do he would have fallen hard for that roguish grin of hers. "No, of course not, it's all part of my plan to entice him to ask me out."

"Huh, I see and you think he will let you touch Bianca?"

"Well, under normal circumstances probably not, but I am going to ask him to give me crossbow lessons then after the lesson I will polish Bianca for him so that she is nice and shiny."

Anders chuckled, "You are good I'll give you that, but your charms aren't working on me."

"Well, that is yet to be determined," she cooed as she turned and headed out of the clinic.

About a week later as he was closing up the clinic he smelled the most delicious aroma enter his little hovel. He poked his head out from behind a screen and saw Rylee standing there with a basket in her hands.

"I noticed the last time I was here you were looking a little thin, so I used some of the coin we received for taking out those mercenaries for Vael and bought the ingredients for my mother to make her famous lamb stew. She also made fresh baked bread and on the way over here I bought a bottle of wine, fresh strawberries and cream to go with it," Rylee cooed.

"Wow…I don't know what to say…thank you…and please thank your mother for me."

Rylee began laying the items out on the table. "You're welcome and I will let her know that you appreciate her efforts."

"Wow, that's a lot of food, won't you please join me? I could use the company," Anders asked.

"I would love to."

Anders pulled two plates, his only plates, from a shelf along with two glasses and spoons. He set them on the table. He noticed Rylee studying the bottle of wine,

"Do you have a bottle opener?"

He grinned, "Nope, don't need one." He concentrated some energy on the cork and within seconds it popped out.

She grinned at him as she poured the wine, "Well that's convenient."

They had just sat down to eat when Bethany came storming in. "Mother told me you were here bringing Anders food."

Rylee raised an eye brow surprised at Bethany's anger. "Yes, I thought it was important for our favorite healer to keep his strength up."

"That isn't why you are doing this and you know it," Beth declared.

"What is you think I'm trying to do, Beth?" Rylee questioned.

"You are trying to seduce him," Bethany blurted out.

Anders began to choke on the sip of wine he had just taken.

"Don't be ridiculous, I just brought over some dinner to a good friend," Rylee countered.

"You're lying! I'm your sister; do you think I haven't seen you play this game before? You use to joke with Carver about how you were a master at the Art of the Five Senses Seduction," Bethany exclaimed.

Rylee's face turned white as a ghost.

"The w-what kind of seduction?" Anders asked.

"It the ability to seduce someone by using all of their senses; taste," Bethany said as she pointed at the elaborately delicious meal. "That would be the reason for this display. Smell, I've noticed that she has been using a lot of the vanilla and lavender soap and lotion that mother has made and I wouldn't be surprised if she has given you something of hers that has that smell on it so when the fragrance hits your nose it will remind you of her."

Anders couldn't stop himself from smelling the cuff of his jacket, her scent was still there and he closed his eyes as he tried to steady himself from the revelation.

Bethany's voice brought him back to the room, "Touch – she has found inconspicuous ways to brush up against you, to touch your arm when talking with you and she might even offer you one of her famous massages. Sight …"

"That's enough, Beth! I believe he gets the point," Rylee said gruffly.

"How could you? Y-you know how I f-feel…"

Bethany didn't have time to finish before Rylee was out of her chair and grasping her sister's arms. "It not what you think…"

"Then what the hell is it?" Bethany demanded.

Rylee drew in a deep breath before she spoke, "I'm not trying to seduce him. It was part of a wager between Anders, Varric and me to see if I could convince them to ask me out."

Bethany's mouth opened then closed then opened again. "Did you even stop for a second to think how your actions would affect those around you? Even if you weren't trying to entrap Anders into your bed, don't you think it was unfair to him to use these skills on him?"

Anders felt crushed. All of the things that she had done for him over the past month he thought was because she cared about him and was concerned for his well being not part of the bet. He had been a fool.

"_**How can you be shocked by this? You watched what she was doing to Varric, how could you be so naïve to think that she would do the same to you."**_

"_I thought I was different," Anders__ thought._

"_**Anders, I told you that nothing good could come of this. I don't think she intentionally set out to hurt you or Bethany. It was all just a part of the wager to her, but the result is still the same."**_

"Did you even bother to think how this would appear to me? How _your_ game would affect me?" Bethany cried out.

"Beth," Rylee said then spun to look at Anders. "Anders, I am so sorry. I never meant to hurt either of you. It was just innocent fun; it was just part of the wager. Please believe me, I love and care about both of you. I would never purposely hurt you."

Bethany pulled out of her grasp. "Well it's too late for that," she yelled as she twirled and raced out of the room.

Rylee turned and looked at Anders, tears brimming in her eyes. She gathered her things as she said, "I'm sorry Anders. If I've hurt you, please know that was never my intent. At the meeting tomorrow night, you can tell them that I lost the wager and be thinking of what you want me to do."

She paused and looked earnestly into his eyes. She waved her hand over the food on the table. "You may not believe this and I don't blame you if you don't, but even though this may look like it was part of the five senses game it originally wasn't supposed to be. Ever since I received the reward from Sebastian, I have wanted to do this for you, to thank you for all that you have done for me and to tell let you know how much I care about you. It just so happens that my mother was able to get a good cut of meat while the bet was going on and I decided to use it my advantage."

She hung her head as she tried to discretely wipe away a tear. "It would kill me if you thought that I didn't care about you and that I was just…using you to win a bet. You're my best friend Anders; I hope that my stupidity doesn't cost us our friendship because not having you in my life would be unbearable."

Before he could reply she spun on her heels and raced after her sister. He sat back in his chair and absorbed all that had transpired this evening. He believed her although it didn't lessen the pain, but he did believe that her actions were not malicious; that being the competitive person that she is, she just got caught up in winning the bet. He did agree with several things she said – she too was his best friend, it be would unbearable if she wasn't in his life and he loved and cared about her deeply.

"_**I can feel your pain, Anders. Do you not see how dangerous she is? She should not be able to affect you this deeply."**_

"_Justice, it is not wrong to have friends, to have peop__le that you care about in your life. Sometimes those people that we care about...those people that we love hurt us unintentionally. It doesn't mean that they care about us any less."_

"_**Why do you feel the need to have these people…these friends in your lif**__**e? They break your focus, they distract you?"**_

"_Friends help keep us grounded; they support us in our endeavors which both of the Hawke sisters have done numerous times. They keep us connected to the world around us. Before I met them, I was drowning, Justice. Th__e weight of this burden that you brought was becoming more than I could bear; they helped ease that load. You may not understand this, but I need them."_

"_**Them or her?"**_

"_Them."_

He wrapped his coat around him as he did every night since she had worn the coat. He breathed in her scent and took comfort in her unseen presence as he drifted off to sleep.

The following evening the whole gang had gathered at the Hang Man to hear the outcome of the wagers including Bethany who seemed to have made amends with her sister. Rylee was however unusually quiet and didn't make eye contact with Anders when she sat down at the opposite end of the table.

"Who is drinking what? This round's on me" Varric said.

"In that case, I'm in the mood for one of that Maker's Bombs that this place is so famous for," Isabela chuckled.

"Not wasting any time getting drunk, are you? Big date tonight with a sailor or two that you're loosening up for?" Aveline asked.

"I take that as an insult, I happen to have three hunks lining up for me as we speak. Do I detect some jealousy in that calm and collected presence of yours?" Isabela asked.

"Jealous…over a whore like you? Please!" Aveline declared.

"You say whore like it's a bad thing," Merrill said.

"Oh, ouch! That pussy likes to scratch, I like that. You can scratch me anytime, Red," Isabela stated.

"What exactly makes someone a whore?" Merrill asked

"Ask Isabela, she seems to be the expert," Aveline said

"Well, Kitten that is a matter of perspective."

"A whore is the type of creature that can be found mostly lying on their back, Merrill," Aveline stated.

"On their back? That sounds like a lazy creature," Merrill said.

"Far from it, Kitten," Isabela chortled.

"Where are these creatures normally found?" Merrill asked. "

"At the Blooming Rose," the entire table said at once.

"I've never seen creatures at the Blooming Rose, just woman that sell...Oh…I see...but I have never seen Isabela take money for sex" Merrill stated.

"No, she's the cheap kind," Aveline declared.

"How do you know? Have you been catching a little peeky-peeky? You little voyeur you, I always knew you had a naughty streak," Isabela said as she harassed the soon to be captain.

"Tramp," Aveline retorted.

"Bitch," Isabela grunted.

"Slut!" Aveline sneered.

Isabela grinned, "Thank you. I love you too, Red."

Aveline just scoffed at the pirate.

"You're very quiet this evening, Rylee, someone die?" Isabela inquired.

"Feels that way, but no." Rylee sighed as she looked at her empty mug. "I need another drink, someone made mine disappear."

"I do believe that is one of your many talents, Hawke," Varric stated.

"My talents only get me in trouble these days," Rylee mumbled.

"Aaww, why so down, Gorgeous? This is supposed to be a party," Varric asked.

"A party is supposed to have drinks, I might tell you if you get me another one, and make it a strong one," Rylee stated.

Varric was trying to inquire further as Isabela interrupted, "Get her one of those Maker's Bombs too. That will loosen those lovely lips of hers."

"How about we talk about why we are here? Who won the wagers?" Fenris asked.

Rylee started to speak as Anders cut her off, "The lovely lady beat me fair and square, her feminine wiles are unparalleled."

Both the Hawke sisters stared at him flabbergasted. Anders had thought about this a lot today before coming here and the bet was based on could she work her magic and have him _want_ to ask her out. Her magic had worked on him alright, better than either would have wanted. To her it may have been part of her plan, but to him it had opened his eyes to how much he cared about her, how much he needed her, and Maker help him how much he loved her.

"What? It's true, I really would have loved to ask you out." Anders said as he winked at her.

"So your charms worked on the mage, but they didn't work on me," Varric confirmed. Rylee raised an eye brow. "Well, let me amend that, Sweetheart, if I was into human women I would ask you, but as it stands now Bianca still holds the key to my heart."

"At least she's not the jealous type," Isabela said as she looked at Bethany who turned red.

"I don't think a crossbow can get jealous," Merrill stated.

"Let's not test that theory, Daisy," Varric said matter-of-factly.

"I wouldn't recommend it, Bianca might put something pointy up your arse," Rylee chuckled.

"Has anyone ever told you, Dwarf, that you have an unhealthy affinity for your crossbow," Fenris scoffed.

"There is nothing unhealthy about true love," Varric replied as he rubbed the cross bow as he whispered. "You don't listen to the evil elf."

"Except if you're not getting any," Rylee chuckled.

"That's most of the people at this table," Isabela chortled.

"So what are you going to make Anders do?" Merrill asked with glee.

Rylee smiled tenderly at the mage, "Make him wear a sign that says, 'Best Friend...Ever!'

Isabela snorted, "I liked 'Rylee's Bitch' better."

"Perhaps we should all do it, we can be known as Rylee's bitches" Bethany retorted sarcastically.

Rylee spun to face her sister, "Gee, I thought you got it all off of your chest last night, but obviously not. Do you feel better now?"

"NO!"

"Well, then quit pussy footing around with the insults. That last comment was just a flesh wound. If you want to inflict real damage you need to go for the jugular," Rylee snapped. Bethany just crossed her arms over her chest and glared at her.

Merrill leaned over and whispered to Isabela, "What has come between the Hawke sisters? They normally are always so close."

"That's what happens when two sisters fall in love with the same man, Kitten," Isabela explained.

"Really? Who are they both in love with?"

"Oh, just some possessed mage we all know," Isabela stated.

Rylee stood up, leaned across the table and hissed, "I am not in love him." Then she spun around and headed out the door.

"You keep telling yourself that, Kitten," Isabela called after her.

Anders leapt to his feet and raced to catch up with her. When he caught up to her he grabbed her arm and spun her around to face him. "Rylee…what the hell was that about?"

Rylee bite her quivering lip. "A-anders…"

Anders brushed a lose hair out of her face, "Look, I'm sorry, Rylee..."

"You're sorry? You have nothing to be sorry for. It is my fault; I know how she feels about you. I should have been more sensitive to her feelings. I'm supposed to look out for her. Instead I was so focused on the challenge I didn't see that I was hurting the two most important people in my life."

Anders stepped closer to her, his heart pounding, but he had to let her know. "Ry, I'm fine. You didn't hurt me. If anything you opened my eyes."

His arms went around her tiny waist, he drew her to him, he leaned down to kiss her, but instead of her mouth he felt her fingers pressed to his lips. She looked into his eyes with longing, but also with great sadness too. "Anders, it doesn't matter what I want or how I feel. She is my sister, I love her and I have to put her needs above mine. I promised my father I would take care of her and Carver. I failed with Carver, I can't fail with Beth. As much as I want this, it can never happen."

As she leaned to kiss his cheek the scent of vanilla and lavender washed over him, then she pulled out of his grasp, and as he watched her walk away from him Anders felt his heartbreak.

* * *

><p><strong>AN – *Thank you once again to everyone for your reviews and for adding this story to your alert and favs list. I truly appreciate you taking the time to read and review this story. It's wonderful hearing your thoughts and comments.**

***I am such a visual person and Jinxy1983 has also created a wonderful collage of all the h****e****roines from my stories including Rylee. I hope you will take the time to visit. ****(remove the spaces)**

**ht tp:/ jinxx 1983. deviantart. com/ art/ What-A-Lot-Of-Awesome-Chicks-212 398 707**

**Jinxy also created a collage of all the characters from my other two stories Mirror Images and Blood Sugar Sex Magik. If you follow those stories you might want to check out the hot Tristen and Sabrina along with their cast of characters. (remove the spaces)**

**ht tp:/ /jinxx 1983. deviantart. com/ art/ Cast- Of- Blood- Sugar- Sex- Magik- 2123 938 94**

*** ****A huge thank you to the betalicious ****Kira Tamarion**** for being a guest beta on this chapter. I really appreciate your help and support. ****You are awesome for stepping in at the last minute!**

***Last, but never least I would like to thank Beta Goddess Jinxy for her mad crunk beta skills and for her friendship and support. You're the best!**


	5. Chapter 5 Everybody Hurts

**Chapter 4 – Everybody Hurts**

"When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone, when you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on.

Don't let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes, sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along.

When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on) If you feel like letting go, (hold on)

When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on, everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends.

Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand.

If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone"

_Everybody Hurts by R.E.M_

Anders thought he never would be glad to be back in Kirkwall, but after three months in the Deep Roads, Kirkwall looked like the Golden City. It had taken them about a month to find their way out the Deep Roads after Bartand's betrayal and it had been the longest three months of his life even longer than being in solitaire confinement. Anders watched Rylee as she dragged herself toward her uncle's house.

"Well, you have to be happy that you won't be living here with him much longer," Anders said as they stood in front of the shabby-looking home.

"Living here wasn't so bad. If I could have gotten rid of Gamlen, it would have been downright pleasant," Rylee said.

"Just think of all of Gamlen's good points; that should help make it more bearable."

"Well, that would be work if he had any," Rylee replied.

As Rylee started up the stairs the front door swung open. Knight-Captain Cullen stepped through with Bethany in his grasp. Rylee rushed forward. "What in the Void is going on?"

"We are taking Mistress Bethany to the Gallows," Cullen said.

Rylee stepped in front of them. "_No_! You can't take her."

"That's where they take all of the apostates. It's where I belong," Bethany said solemnly, as if resigned to her fate.

"Bethany, you can't just accept this." Tears began to flow down Rylee's cheeks.

Anders saw Rylee go for her daggers. He grasped her wrist and whispered, "Don't! You can't win this battle, Ry. Let her go. We will get her back."

Cullen also noticed her reaching for her daggers. "The penalty for harboring an apostate is death. But because your sister is cooperating and because you have been very helpful to us in the past, I will overlook it."

"Oh, Bethany, no! What will happen to my baby?" Leandra cried out as she collapsed to the floor.

"Don't worry about me, Mother. I will be fine." Bethany turned to look at Rylee and Anders. "Looks like you no longer have to worry about my feelings, because I will no longer be around to keep the two of you to apart from each other. Take care of Mother." Then she turned on her heels and walked out with Cullen.

The horrible memory of the argument that Rylee and Bethany had right before they left for the Deep Roads flickered through Anders' mind.

"_What do you mean you aren't taking me?" Bethany asked._

"_Beth, Mother is right, this is going to be very dangerous. You don't want to be there with all of those foul creatures. You are safer here, and when I get back, we will be able to fulfill yours __and Mother's dream of getting the estate back," Rylee said as she tried to persuade her sister._

_Bethany glared at her sister and then at Anders. "How convenient for you? Now you will have him all to yourself for the next several months."_

_Rylee's face fli__ckered with rage, but she reigned in her temper. "Yes, this is what I had planned all along. To leave you behind and lure Anders into the Deep Roads for a hot, romantic interlude because I'm sure fighting for my life against darkspawn is really going to ge__t the juices flowing and put me in the mood for some wild and crazy sex. You need to grow up, Bethany."_

_Rylee then stomped off to join the group as they prepared to head out._

Those were the last words that Rylee had spoken to her sister before she left and now Anders could tell that her last words were also crossing her mind. She went to her mother's crumpled form to comfort her; her bottom lip was trembling as she willed herself to remain in control.

Anders gave Leandra a sleeping draft, and once she had fallen asleep, Rylee turned to him, "I need to get out of here."

Anders nodded. Then he put his arm around her shoulders and led her back to his place. When they got there, he opened a bottle of wine and poured her a glass. He handed it to her, she drained it quickly and handed it back to him for a refill.

"You do realize that wine is supposed to be sipped," Anders said.

She remained silent and just held her glass out for him to fill. He obeyed her request and refilled her glass. He sat across from her and waited for her to be ready to talk about what had happened. He heard her sniffle. When he looked up at her, tears were streaming down her face. The dam had finally broken and the emotional flood tore through her as her body shook with grief.

Anders got up and took the glass from her. Then he took her by the hand and led her over to his cot. He eased her down on the bed, and then he slowly removed her armor and boots. He laid her down then curled up behind her and held her as the well of emotions poured out of her. After what seemed like an hour, she whispered, "I failed him. I was unable to protect both Carver and Bethany. If he were alive, he would be so disappointed in me."

Anders slid his hand under her chin and forced her to look back at him. "That is a lie that your guilt is telling you, but it is untrue. Ry, your father would be proud of you. You did everything you could to protect them. You aren't to blame for the darkspawn killing Carver, you aren't to blame for the templars finding your sister and taking her to the Circle. You have sacrificed so much for your family. You have put your life on the line for them on a daily basis to try and provided a better way of life for them. You are the bravest, strongest woman I know. Please don't believe for a minute that you aren't the woman that your father raised you to be."

The sobs came again as she retreated deeper into his embrace. He held her tightly against him until she eventually cried herself to sleep. She slept in his arms the whole night and it felt so good to have her body pressed up against his. He hoped that it gave her as much comfort being there as he received from having her there.

She stirred against him, causing something to stir within him. He shifted his hips away from her so she didn't feel his need for her. With her eyes still closed, she stretched. Maker, even with bed hair she was beautiful.

Her eyes fluttered open, and as she focused on him, a smile spread across her face. "Morning," she mumbled.

"Morning to you too," Anders replied as he started to get up. "Let me make us some tea."

"Not yet, I want to enjoy this for a few more minutes," she said. He happily accommodated her request as he cuddled in behind her. This was perfect, being with her was perfect, and he couldn't recall knowing such peace. Even when he had been with Lillah, he hadn't known solace like this because there was always the fear that the templars would catch them. Love and lust had drawn them together, but fear had bound them to one another.

Eventually, they both got up, and as he fixed them tea, she put her armor back on. They sat across from each other in comfortable silence as they sipped their tea. Occasionally, he would catch her staring at him. He would smile at her and she would smile back, and then go back to drinking her tea. Once she had finished, she stood to leave. She took his hand, brought it to her lips, and gently pressed a kiss against it. Then she looked tenderly at him. "Thank you for last night. You saved me in every way a person could save another. I owe you."

"You owe me nothing. I gladly did it and would do it again. I'm just grateful I could be there for you," Anders said warmly.

She released his hands. "I need to head home and check on my mother. Thank you again." She hugged him, kissed his cheek, and then headed out the door.

_**You need to stop this now.**_

_Stop what? I haven't done __anything._

_**I can feel how you feel about her. **__**You are falling in love with her. Anders, you must stop this now before it goes too far. **__**She will only distract you from your true purpose.**_

_She isn't a distraction. She has helped us. She has helped many apostates in the underground escape the Circle._

_**She will be your downfall and y**__**ou will be her**__**s**__**. You will destroy he**__**r.**_

_I won't. I would never do anything to harm her. I... I love her._

_**I know you do. I care for her, too, which is why I am telling you that you need to let her go.**_

_I can't… I need her. She makes all of this worthwhile._

_**My friend, where we are headed wil**__**l only bring her pain and will destroy the things that we cherish most about her. If you truly love her, you must put distance between you both.**_

Anders knew Justice was right. He knew that, as a wanted apostate working vigilantly with the Mage Underground, if he was caught, all known associates would be subjected to arrest and death. The thought of them taking her caused a pain to shoot through his heart. That would be a heartache he couldn't bear. He would rather distance himself from her than risk exposing her to danger so over the next three years he tried to keep from her as much as possible. He made himself unavailable when she asked him to go the Hanged Man and always found a plausible excuse for not accompanying her to the Wounded Coast for a mission. He saw the pain and confusion in her eyes and it tore at him like thousands of little tiny cuts, but she never asked why and he never offered an explanation.

However, at night, he couldn't escape the image of her beautiful face, the memory of her body pressed against his, the smell of her as she inundated his senses and the sensation of her soft lips against his cheek. He could only imagine how delicious the taste of her lips would be, how it would feel to caress the velvety skin of her entire body with his hands, lips, and mouth as her scent flooded his mind. He ached for her, he craved her like a templar craved lyrium, and he was very close to his breaking point once again. The serenity that she had brought to his life had slowly begun to recede and a darkness that scared him was taking its place.

One night as Anders sat in his clinic working on his manifesto, Merrill came rushing in. "Anders, its Rylee… we… she needs you."

Anders jumped up and grabbed his staff as he followed Merrill out the door. "What happened?" His panic began to rise.

"Ah, well… it's really something you have to see for yourself," Merrill said.

"Is it life threatening?"

"Um… well… no, I don't believe it is life threatening. It's just very painful."

By the time they arrived at Varric's room in the Hanged Man, Anders' imagination was completely out of control as he imagined all kinds of vile and dangerous things that could be wrong with her. Varric pulled the curtain back to his bed chamber. Rylee was there on her stomach, and a sheet speckled with blood covered her from the waist down.

Anders stepped into the room and pulled the curtain closed. He propped his staff against the wall, pulled the sheet back, his eyes widened and then he roared with laughter. At least a dozen shards of glass were sticking out of her bottom.

"_Anders_! This isn't funny! That's my ass," Rylee said.

"Sweetheart, I am well aware that is your ass. Sweet Andraste's twat, how did you manage to do that?"

Varric chuckled. "Well, it really _isn't _a very funny story… yet. It would appear that our little Hawke was in no mood to make two trips down to the bar, so when she went down to grab our tray of meat and cheeses and the bottle of wine, she slipped the wine glasses into her back pockets. When she got back here, she forgot that the glasses were there, and she sat on them."

Anders laughed, "My impatient little rogue, what am I going to do with you?"

"Well right now I would suggest you taking the glass that is protruding from my bottom out!"

Anders chuckled as he walked over the head of the bed and grabbed a couple of pillows. "Lift yourself up and slide these underneath you. I need to elevate your bottom so that I have a better angle."

Isabela chortled. "Yesss, you do need the best angle to get a great view of... the problem."

"So help me, if I see one smile, or hear one snicker, there will be a reckoning, I swear it," Rylee said. Then she craned her head to watch him as he pulled out a pair of tweezers from his bag. Her eyes widened. "C-can't you just magically remove them?"

Anders laughed. "Sorry, love, I have to take them out individually to make sure that no slivers are left behind to cause an infection."

Rylee moaned. "This is going to hurt like the Black City and take hours."

"A man taking hours... that's a new concept." Isabela laughed. "Which is a pity, I, for one, would love to look at an ass like that for hours. Maybe do more than just look, too."

Anders pulled out a healing potion that contained a painkiller in it. "Here, drink this. It will help with the pain and stop an infection from setting in."

Rylee did as instructed as Anders pulled up a chair, arranged a lantern so that he had better light, and then he went to work.

He gently grasped a sliver of glass and pulled it out. Rylee cried out. "Ouch, fuck me!"

"Well, you don't have to invite me twice. Anders, move over and make some room, I'm coming in!" Isabela said.

"You stay right where you are, before I—"

"Ouch! Anders! Andraste's ass on a cracker, that my ass. I'm very fond of it," Rylee shouted as Anders pulled out another shard.

"I'm rather fond of it, too. It's so soft and supple. Don't you agree, Anders?" Isabela asked.

Anders felt his heart tighten. He didn't like the insinuation that Isabela was making.  
>"Ry, I'm trying to pull it out slowly, I don't want to hurt you," Anders said.<p>

"Another man with the world largest...ego. Where have I heard that before?" Isabela asked.

"Well than Anders, stop pulling it out so damn slow. Let's get it over with. Pull it out quicker," Rylee said.

"We are still talking about glass, right?" Isabela inquired.

"I really wish I knew what you were talking about. I might find this conversation so much more enjoyable," Merrill said.

"Anders, do you need me to hold her down while you go at her? She's a feisty little rogue in bed," Isabela said.

Again, the pirate's implication hit him in the chest and he had to force himself to remain focused.

Anders shook his head, but before he could answer, Rylee piped up, "Step one inch closer to my ass wench and I'll put a wine glass in your back pocket next time."

"Come now, lover, play nice," Isabela said.

"Lover? Did I miss something again? It sounds like I might have," Merrill said.

"It would seem that Anders is the lover now since he was the one caressing her ass," Varric said.

"No l-lover! Do any of you ever listen? N-no lover! O-ooh I g-give up!" Rylee said through gritted teeth as Anders extracted another large piece of glass.

"What is she mumbling about? That didn't even make sense. Have you drugged her Anders?" Varric asked.

"I gave her something for the pain, but if this conversation continues, I might need to drug myself," Anders said.

"Give me some more of that pain stuff while you're at it. It isn't working and I'll swallow anything at this point," Rylee said, exasperated.

Isabela chuckled. "Really, now? Anything, huh?"

"That's it. I'm going to kill her when I can get up," Rylee said.

"Rivaini, Daisy, let's head downstairs and let the good mage work on his patient," Varric suggested.

"Thank the Maker for small favors," Anders mumbled before he continued, "I'm gonna need a stiff drink after this."

"Oh, _it_will be stiff all right," Isabela said with a chuckle as they left the room.

"Is my ass so painful to look at that you have to drug yourself to wash away the memory?" Rylee asked as a mischievous grin played on her lips.

"Hardly. You have a gorgeous ass and you know it." Anders peeked out into the open room, and when he saw that no one was lingering, asked, "So… you and Isabela, huh? Scratching an itch, or is it something more?"

Rylee was silent for a long moment. Anders' heart beat wildly as he waited for her reply. Finally, she said, "The itch has been scratched and it is over."

"She doesn't seem to think so, considering she still calls you 'lover,'" Anders said solemnly.

"Are you jealous?"

"Maybe a little, but it shouldn't really matter right, 'cause we're friends?"

"Maybe? I'm not sure anymore...three years of you pulling away makes me question if we ever really were friends," Rylee said sadly as she laid her head down on the bed.

He paused in his work; her words couldn't have hurt more than if she had physically struck him. Over the past three years he had missed her intensely, but he had assumed it had all been one sided. The thought that he had caused her pain made his stomach clinched in pain as his head tried to form the right words. "Ry…you can't mean that. You have to know how much I cared… how much I still care about you… you're the closest friend I've ever had… you're my best friend. I… pulled away from you because I don't want to hurt you. I-I will only bring you pain; I will only break your heart."

"How am I supposed to know that? Friends don't treat each other like that. They talk to one another; they work out their problems and differences. Anders, you were there for me on the worst night of my life. You comforted me, consoled me, and healed me, and then without a word of explanation you d-deserted me," she said as her voice cracked from the emotions that she was desperately trying to hold back.

"I'm so sorry. I never meant to make you feel like I had abandoned you. That was not my intention. I just didn't want to hurt you—"

"Can't you see that you are hurting me? I miss you. I miss talking with my best friend, I miss sharing my day with you, telling you my latest joke or Varric's newest version of my escapades… and… and I can't believe I'm talking about this with my bare ass up in the air."

Anders laughed. "I miss you too, Ry. I-I miss you like crazy."

"Then can we stop this self-imposed exile and get back to being friends?" Rylee asked.

_**Anders, don't do this. **__**Please, d**__**on't do this to her.**_

_I need her. I'm miserable without her.__ She soothes my mind and soul._

_**You are obsessed.**_

_You're wrong._

"Yes, I would love that," Anders said out loud to Rylee.

She crooked her head and smiled at him. "Good. Now hurry up and make my arse pretty again."

Anders smiled; he thought that her arse was pretty no matter what. Then he shifted his thoughts back to being a healer as he went back to work on removing the glass. He only had a few more pieces, but they were in deep. He looked over her shoulder and saw that the painkiller had taken effect and that she had drifted off to sleep. As tenderly and gently as he could, he removed the last fragments. After the last piece was removed, Anders gently ran his hand over her bottom, checking to make sure that he hadn't missed any shards. She let out an almost silent purr in her sleep that caused his breath to quicken and his groin to tighten. He quickly finished his examination, and then removed the pillows from under her and eased her further up the bed. He covered her back up with the sheet, and then went down to see Varric.

"Varric, she is asleep in your bed. The painkiller I gave her will keep her knocked out until tomorrow morning. Have her come by the clinic in the morning so that I can make sure that everything has healed properly," Anders said.

"Well, it won't be the first time that Hawke has passed out in my bed, I'm sure it won't be the last," Varric said.

Anders raised an eyebrow. "She has been passing out in your bed often?"

"I know you haven't been around much late, Blondie. I know that was your choice and you had your reasons, but Hawke took Sunshine being sent to the Gallows very hard. Not only did she lose her sister, but she lost the one person that she had come to count on. A person can only take so much before they break. That is when she started drinking…a lot, taking crazy chances, and shacking up with Rivaini."

Anders sank into the chair beside the dwarf, guilt eating at him.

_It's your fault, Justice. You said we would destroy her, but being without us—me—nearly did the same thing._

_**You are not responsible for her actions, only your own.**_

_Screw you!_

"I-is she still with Isabela?" Anders asked Varric.

Varric stared right into Anders' eyes. "No, Hawke ended that about a year ago. I believe the Rivaini would like to see things continue, but Hawke is in love with someone else. I'm just trying to figure out if he is smart enough to finally act on what he has felt for her ever since the day he met her."

"I've been a fool… an idiot… an imbecile."

"I won't argue with you there, Blondie. I might even add a dumbass and a fucking asshole."

"Those are also two very good adjectives to describe me and my behavior. You're right, but I promise I will make it up to her. You have my word."

"You better, 'cause I like you, Blondie. It would be a shame to have to kill you," Varric said matter-of-factly as Anders rose to leave.

The following morning, Rylee arrived at his clinic before he opened the doors to the general public. She smiled apprehensively at him as she entered. "Varric told me you wanted me to stop by to check to make sure that everything had healed properly."

"Yes, I did. Thank you for coming by. How do you feel this morning?" Anders asked.

"Much better than I did last night. Thank you, Anders, for coming… I appreciate it," Rylee said with a note of insecurity in her voice. He had never known her to lack confidence in herself and a pang of guilt and remorse coursed through him.

"It would be a crime to let a bottom as perfect as yours become marred permanently," Anders said.

Rylee looked at him skeptically. "I'm not buying that. It probably just looked very shiny. I'm sure if you shined a candle off it that you could have blinded someone." Before Anders could reply, she asked, "Where do you want me?"

_Where do I want her? Is this a trick question? I want her here, I want her over there, I want her on the examining table, on the cot—_

_**I get the point!**_

Out loud, Anders asked, "Can you step behind the divider and remove your pants so that I can examine you?"

"I'll bet you say that to all of your female patients."

"Only the breathtakingly beautiful ones."

"Oh? And how many of those have you had?"

"You're the first," Anders said as he winked at her. A slight smile caressed the corners of her mouth. He knew that he had injured her, caused her deep pain, but he would do everything in his power to return her to the beautiful, strong woman that he loved. He quickly examined her wounds and they had all healed perfectly. She got dressed and came out from behind the divider. He smiled at her. "Do you remember when we had that bet about whether or not you could convince me to ask you out?"

She smiled as she nodded.

"Well, I never really had the opportunity to follow through with that before we went into the Deep Roads. So now that we have a little bit more time, I was wondering if you would have dinner with me tonight?" he asked.

Her eyes lit up and sparkled as a grin spread across her face. "I would love to. You haven't been to the estate yet. I could have Bodahn cook something for us. I know you will find this hard to believe, but for a dwarf he is an outstanding cook; although, I had to buy him several stools so that he could reach everything in the kitchen."

Anders laughed. "I would love to see the estate and taste Bodahn's cooking, but I asked you out. That means I do the work. I know my place isn't as grand as yours, but I would like to cook for you."

Rylee raised an eyebrow.

"What? I am an excellent cook and I have saved some of the money from the expedition for just an occasion. Let me prepare a meal for you tonight," Anders said.

She beamed at him and her smile was the best thing he had seen in a very long time. "I would love too. What time would like me here?"

"How about seven o'clock, my lady?"

She grinned. "I'll be here."

Later that evening, there was a light tap at his doors. Anders checked the room one last time before he opened the door. He was pleased with how it looked. He had called in a few favors to get the room like this, but she was worth it.

He opened the door and felt the air begin to be sucked out of his chest. She wore an elegant noblewoman's gown. The bodice was a form fitting, sleeveless, with a dark burnt orange brocade corset, ribbon-laced upper arm gauntlets with hanging sleeves and a shimmering two toned skirt. Her dark locks hung loosely around her beautiful face.

"You look gorgeous," he breathed out.

She smiled warmly at him as she touched the sleeve of ivory tunic. "You clean up very well—" She stopped mid-sentence as she took in the room. Anders had pushed all the cots against the wall and used the room dividers to hide them. He had pulled his writing desk into the middle of the room, covered it with a sheet, and set dinner plates and huge bouquet of flowers on it. He then filled the entire room was filled with candles.

"Anders, it doesn't even look like the same room," she said.

He smiled. "I'm glad you liked it."

"The clinic looks amazing."

Anders took her hand and spun her around. "No, you look amazing, but my dear, you are asking for trouble coming to Darktown dressed like that."

Rylee smiled as lifted the skirt of her dress to reveal a dagger strapped to each of her thighs. "And Varric and Fenris escorted me down here. They will be back to bring me home in a couple of hours."

"Ah, so we have a time limit. Good to know," Anders said as he led her over to the table and pulled out her chair for her. He poured each of them some wine and then took a seat across from her.

She beamed at him. "I can't believe you went to all of this trouble for me."

"Rylee, I would do anything for you. You have to know that," Anders replied.

"For a while there, I wasn't so sure, but this very big gesture is showing me that you meant it. I'm glad to have you back in my life, Anders."

"I'm sorry that I ever caused you to doubt me. You are very important to me, Rylee, you always will be, and you have my word that I will never give you a reason to lose your faith in me again."

She smiled at him tenderly and slightly embarrassed. "Thank you. Now what smells so good?"

"Ah, my own secret recipe for venison stew," Anders said proudly as he stood up to serve them their dinner.

The rest of the evening flew by as they joked, told stories, and brought each other up to date on what was currently going on in their lives. When Varric and Fenris came through the clinic doors, Anders was extremely disappointed that the night was over.

Varric chuckled. "Blondie, I love what you've done with the place."

"Yes, it doesn't smell half as bad as it used to, either," Fenris said.

"Actually, Blondie, it smells damn good. Do you have any leftovers?"

Anders beamed. "If you go away for one more hour, you can have it all with my compliments."

"Deal!" they both exclaimed as they grabbed the pot, two bowls, and headed for the door.

"Well, that was easy. I should remember that in future," Rylee said.

Varric chortled. "The quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach and I think I'm now in love with Anders."

"Speak for yourself, dwarf, it will take more than a good stew to warm my heart toward the abomination," Fenris grumbled.

"Well, what are you still doing here? Get out or I'm taking back the stew," Anders said.

"Yeah, all right, we're going, but we will be back in one hour, not a minute later, Blondie." Varric then leaned toward him and whispered, "Keep treating her like this and you might just make it through this alive."

"Don't make promises you can't keep, dwarf."

"What are you two whispering about?" Rylee asked.

"Just trying to convince Anders to give me his stew recipe," Varric said.

"What?...Why?...So you show us how to ruin a perfectly delicious recipe?" Rylee asked.

After they left the room, Rylee leaned forward, exposing the tops of her perfectly rounded breasts. Sweet Mother of the Maker, it was a good thing that her armor didn't showcase her chest like that, or he would have been dead a long time ago.

"Now what was that exchange really about?" she asked.

He could barely concentrate on what she said because his eyes were fixed on her delicious swells of her breasts. "Ah, that was nothing. They just seem to have become very protective of you over the past couple of years."

"Yeah, like the pain in the ass big brothers I never had," Rylee said.

Anders laughed. "They mean well and I'm glad they were there for you when I wasn't."

"I've had a great time tonight, Anders, so let's leave the past where it belongs and just move forward. Deal?"

He smiled warmly at her. "Deal!" Anders said. He had been given a second chance with her and he wasn't about to blow it.

* * *

><p><strong>AN – ****I wanted to thank everyone for your reviews and for adding this story to your alert and favs list. The response has been awesome and I appreciate your support. I always try to respond to review posts, but if I missed someone, I apologize and please know that I am grateful for you taking the time to read and review.**

***Special thanks to Jinxy and Mackillian, for working their wonderful beta magic on this chapter. You ladies are awesome and I thank you for continuing to make me look good.**


	6. Chapter 6 The Edge of Glory

**Chapter 5 -The Edge of Glory  
><strong>

"It's hard to feel the rush, to brush the dangerous

I'm gonna run right to, to the edge with you

Where we can both fall far in love

I'm on the edge of glory, and I'm hanging on a moment of truth

Out on the edge of glory, and I'm hanging on a moment with you

I'm on the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge,

I'm on the edge of glory, and I'm hanging on a moment with you

I'm on the edge with you."

_The Edge of Glory by Lady Gaga_

Over the next several months, Anders and Rylee slowly rebuilt their friendship. It wasn't quite what it had been a few years ago, but it was close. The more time that she spent with him, the more she let her guard down around him and the more the old Rylee came shining through. Some of the peace that he had known had returned, but it was countered with Justice's growing aggravation over the time that he spent with Rylee. However, the solace that he found in Rylee's company was worth the ongoing arguments with Justice.

He was up late working on his manifesto when a knock came at the door. He grabbed his staff and hesitantly approached the door. "Who is it?"

"I have a message for Ser Anders," a young voice said.

Anders tentatively opened the door. There, standing at his threshold, was a young boy of about thirteen or fourteen. "I was paid very generously to deliver this to Ser Anders." The boy held out a sealed parchment. Anders' name had been written sloppily on the front in Rylee's familiar handwriting.

Anders took the letter from the young boy. "Thank you. I will make sure that Ser Anders receives this."

"Thank you, ser," the messenger said as he turned and hurried away.

Anders closed his door and made his way over to his desk. He looked at the letter and thought it was very strange that Rylee would send him a letter by messenger late at night.

Just as he broke the seal, his door burst open, and Rylee and Isabela came stumbling through.

"Ah, hi A-anders," Rylee slurred with a lopsided grin.

Anders cocked an eye brow as he stood up. "Ah, hi yourself. What are you doing here?"

"Oh, w-well, we were just out for an evening s-stroll and Darktown is l-lovely this time of night, don't you think?" Rylee was apparently doing her best to sound casual.

"Have you been drinking?" Anders asked.

Isabela chortled. "I a-always knew you were the observant o-one in the g-group."

"Um, well, the r-reason I'm here is… ah, by chance, did a messenger deliver something to you?" Rylee asked.

"Yes, it was delivered just before you got here," Anders said as he reached back and picked up the letter.

"Y-yes, well, I'm going to need that back," Rylee firmly said. Well, as firmly as one could be when you were three sheets to the wind.

Anders tilted his head and smirked at her. "Why is that?"

"Well… um… I've changed my mind about it." Rylee walked closer to him, wobbling slightly on her feet.

"You paid a messenger handsomely to deliver this to me late at night and now you've changed your mind?"

"I'm a woman! It's my pre-per-rero... prerogative."

Anders grinned at her as he teasingly waved the letter in front of her face. "Now, what could this letter possibly say that would bring you all the way down to Darktown at this hour retrieve it?"

"Well, n-nothing you need to see t-tonight," Rylee said.

"Look, mage, just give the lady back her letter," Isabela said threateningly as she, too, moved closer to Anders.

"Her letter? It's now in my possession, so it is my letter," Anders said.

He saw both of them lung at him and he froze them from the waist down. They both cried out, more from the shock of the cold than because they were in pain. He had made the spell strong enough to hold them, but not cause any damage. Besides, they both were so drunk he would be surprised if they felt anything at all.

He opened the letter. As he scanned it and realized it was poem, a huge grin spread across his face. He cleared his throat as he began to read out loud: "Anders, your skin glows like a peach blossom, sweet as Andraste's grace in the purest hope of spring." He looked up at Rylee, whose face was now three shades of deep red. "Have I ever told how much I love peaches?" he grinned mischievously at her, "I could eat a peach for hours."

She reddened even more. "When I get out of this, I am seriously going to hurt you."

"Why? I think this is so sweet. Here, let me continue. 'My heart follows your harmonious voice and leaps like a nug at the whisper of your name. The evening floats in on a high dragon's wings and I am comforted by your image that I carry into the Fade and hold next to my lips.'" He paused and looked into her eyes. "Do you really carry my image into the Fade with you?"

She didn't reply. Instead, she just looked at him with embarrassment and longing.

He leaned in and whispered, "Because you're all I dream about when I'm in the Fade."

Her eyes lit up and a smile caressed her lips. "You do?"

He smiled lovingly at her. "Yes, I do." He looked over at Isabela, who had somehow managed to pass out while frozen in place. He walked over to the pirate, unfroze her, picked her up, and laid her down on a cot. He then walked back over to Rylee. "I'll unfreeze you if you promise not to try to tear my poem away from me."

She nodded and he unfroze her. Then he he put an arm around her and led her over to his cot. They both sat down beside each other, and then Anders continued reading out loud. "I am filled with hope that I have been able to dry your tears of wine. As my breasts heave and my panties fall willingly at the thought of your shaft, in the quiet of the night, I imagine the moan that I one day hope to hear tumble from your lips."

"What? It doesn't say that!" Rylee said.

Anders chuckled. "Yes, it does right here. Don't you even remember what you wrote?"

"Yes, I remember and I didn't write…" She paused and glared over at the sleeping pirate. "Damn her, she must have added that when I went to the privy chamber."

Anders snickered. "What a shame! I rather like the idea of your breasts heaving and your panties willingly falling off at the thought of my shaft."

Once again, Rylee's cheeks blushed. It was so unlike her to be unnerved over the topic of sex that he found it extremely charming.

"Well, let me finish this fascinating poem. 'My heated wet thigh leaps to my taut nipples as they yearn for your mouth. I wait in the moonlight for your secret slope so that we may glide as one, thigh to thigh, in search of the magnificent red and mystical mountaintop of love.'"

"I'm going to kill her." Rylee groaned as she buried her head in her hands.

"That wasn't yours either?" Anders asked, trying to hide his disappointment.

"_No! _My wording was a bit more elegant," she said as her hands fell away and she looked over at him.

"Oh, and do you recall what you said?"

Her lips twitched and he noticed her hands shake. "Well, you seemed to like Isabela's version, so why don't we just stick with that."

He grasped her hands in his. "I want to hear what you wrote, not what Isabela wrote."

She paused for a long moment then she found her confidence. She looked directly into his eyes and her gaze never wavered as she finished the poem. "Candles flick their flame, while your musky scent seems to drive my lust for you insane. You are the heat of my desire, I long to taste the sweetness of your neck, further igniting this raging fire. I yearn to whisper words of love, as you answer with a sigh and your body comes alive, fitting mine like a glove."

Now it was his turn for his hands to tremble, his heart was pounding, his head spinning, and his emotions were singing. He brought her hands to his lips and pressed tiny kisses onto them. "I like your version much better. I'm glad you wrote it and I'm thrilled that you actually sent it. I can't begin to tell you how deeply your words have affected me, Ry. I need you to know that I feel exactly the same way about you."

He leaned toward her as she inclined her head up towards him. Just as he was about to finally taste the sweetness of her lips, Isabela cried out in her sleep, "Damn you, that's my ship!" A reminder that they weren't alone, even if it was with a passed out pirate, and it was enough to break the spell.

Anders tucked a loose hair behind her ear and kissed her forehead. "I don't think that Isabela is any condition to be moved. Let me make up an extra cot for you to sleep in tonight."

"Thank you, Anders."

After he had made up the bed, he kissed her forehead then her cheek. He hesitated, and then brushed a soft kiss against her lips. He honestly didn't trust himself to do more than that. "Good night, Ry."

"Good night, Anders," she said softly as she curled up under the covers.

**xxXxx**

Through the haze, Anders scrutinized her from the recesses of his mind while Justice guided her through the Fade. When they traveled together outside the Fade, Anders was always aware of her presence, her movements, but he rarely ever had the time to study her in action. Maker, she was a sight to behold. She was grace, beauty and poise all rolled into one very deadly package as she elegantly danced around her enemies dealing death with every blow.

Justice had been shocked at how willingly she had accepted his presence and stunned by how truly beautiful she was. As the passenger, there was a murkiness to the way that Justice saw and heard her. Seeing her now through Anders clear vision the spirit could plainly see why the mage was infatuated with her. She was a vision and way she handled herself was inspiring.

Once they had defeated all of the demons and Rylee had convinced Feynriel that he needed to further his training and knowledge in Tevinter she turned to him and placed her hand on his arm. She smiled warmly at him, "Thank you, Justice."

He raised an eyebrow, "What are you thanking me for?"

"You were the only one of my friends that did not betray me and desert me. I appreciate your loyalty. It means a great deal to me," she said in such a tender voice, his heart leapt in his chest.

"_Now, you see and feel what I do on a daily basis. I'll bit my tongue and won't say I told you so."_

"_**You **__**just did."**_

"_Hmm, so I did."_

"As long as you fight for the good and freedom of all mages I will always remain faithful," Justice replied.

"I am not a mage, but I have lost both my father and sister to the injustices of the Circle. Their plight is my plight and I will always fight for their freedoms," Rylee said defensively.

"I meant no offense, my Lady. You have been a trusted friend and advisor to Anders. I might not always agree with your counsel, but I know that you have Anders best interests at heart," Justice replied.

"Which bit of counsel do you disagree with?"

"That the two of you can be more than just friends, surely you can see that isn't possible…for either one of you," Justice explained.

"_Justice, shut the hell up. You have no right inte__rfering in this."_

"_**Oh I have every right. The whole reason we merged was to concentrate on the mage's plight. She is a distraction, but more importantly you will bring her nothing but pain."**_

"_That isn't true!"_

"_**If you were honest with yourself, you wo**__**uld realize I speak the truth." **_

"And what is wrong with being more than friends? We both care about each other very deeply, we find comfort and support in each other. Why is that so wrong?" Rylee asked.

"Because you distract him from his path, he needs to concentrate on the mages before anything else, but you cloud his mind and jumble up his emotions. You are an unnecessary complication," Justice stated matter-of-factly. She stumbled back slightly as if he had slapped her.

"_Stop it! You're hurting __her needlessly."_

"_**I am doing what you cannot bring yourself to do."**_

"You're the reason that Anders stayed away from me for almost three years," Rylee stated.

"Yes, I am. I'm sorry that caused you pain, but that pain is nothing compared to the agony that he could bring you," Justice replied.

Her eyebrows furrowed. "You can't see the future; you have no right to make such a prediction and Anders can't live his life based on unfounded assumptions!"

"I know where he must head and that path will only break your heart. Please heed my warning, Rylee, he will only break your heart," Justice declared.

Rylee perched her lips and paused for a moment before she replied. "Justice, thank you for your concern; I do appreciate it, but I'm going to have to kindly ask you to butt out of my friendship with Anders. Wherever our relationship is headed is between him and me. Now, I do believe that Feynriel's mother is waiting to speak with us."

She spun on her heels and passed through the Fade door. Before Justice followed her Anders yelled, "_That is sound advice. You need to heed her warning!"_

**xxXxx**

Anders rushed into his clinic, frustrated, angry, and scared. He threw his staff against the wall and let out a cry of aggravation. Tonight had been the first time in years that Justice had taken complete control of him and used his body to hand out his own form of retribution. There had been something different about Justice tonight...a righteous fury that he hadn't felt since that night in the Chantry when he had discovered what they had done to Karl. Tonight, Justice wanted to deliver what he considered justifiable vengeance, but he had been wrong and if Rylee hadn't been there...

_Justice, I… we almost killed that young mage because you overpowered me with your __need for vengeance. Maker, the way she looked at me! As if I was just as much of monster as Alrik._

_**That mage was already cowing to those templars wills… she was already their puppet and once she was made tranquil, she would be used by them to corrupt othe**__**r mages!**_

_She is an innocent. She is the type of mage we are supposed to be helping. She cowed to them because of fear of what they would do to her, not because she was their puppet. We need to show the innocent and naïve mercy not cruelty._

_**Mercy is for t**__**he weak!**_

_You're wrong! It takes greater strength to show mercy than to react with ruthlessness and vengeance. Anyone can take a life in the heat of the moment through anger and claim it's retribution, but it takes true strength of will to take the difficu__lt path and apply wisdom and mercy._

_**You're beginning to think like her! No good can come from that. She is an idealist. She has romantic notions about the world and how to change it.**_

_Again, you're wrong! She is practical and realistic when she needs to b__e, but she refuses to only see the dark side of man and that is all you seem to see._

_**That is because man is inherently evil!**_

Anders let out a frustrated cry. He noticed a pile of discarded bandages, gauze, and tape. He bent down to clean it up. His own horror at what he had almost done overwhelmed him. He couldn't concentrate on anything accept the task at hand.

"Trash… trash… keep… trash…"

"Anders," a soft voice came from behind him.

He looked over his shoulder and saw Rylee squatting behind him. She had left everyone else behind and she was alone with him, which was good because he didn't think he could stand to face the others just then. He pivoted to face her and she clasped his hands in hers.

"Anders, how can I help you?"

"I don't deserve your help. I deserve to be put down like the beast that I am," Anders said with a groan.

She reached forward to stroke his cheek, but he grasped her hand before she could touch him. "I don't deserve to be consoled by you. You are the only thing that stopped me from slaughtering that poor innocent g-girl," he choked out before his emotions overwhelmed him and he buried his head in his hands.

She fell on her knees in front of him and pulled him into her embrace. Maker, he immediately found comfort and forgiveness in her arms. "Anders, you didn't hurt her. You heard me and you stopped yourself before it was too late."

He leaned further into her, finding strength in her calm demeanor. "Ry, how can I fight for the freedom of mages when I am the example of the worst those freedoms can bring? How can I trust myself to heal someone when there is a possibility that Vengeance might come out and harm them? "

She pulled back from him and touched the center of his chest. "Anders, you're a good man, you have a good heart… a healer's heart. You must never forget that is who you truly are. Justice is a small part of who you are and it's up to you how much control you give him. If you feed his need for vengeance, then you're right, it will consume you. But nourish the healer in you then compassion and mercy will always be stronger and will prevail over him."

Anders clasped her hand that still rested on his chest. "What did I ever do to deserve a friend like you?"

She smiled at him. "What can I say? I'm a sucker for handsome men that are both caring and lovable."

Anders smiled sheepishly, still not feeling that he deserved any of her admiration. "I don't know about all of that, but thank you. You are my anchor in this storm."

She smiled, leaned in, kissed his cheek , and then stood up. She handed him some papers. "I found these on Alrik. I think you might find them interesting. It looks like this crazy Tranquil Solution was completely his idea and his alone."

Anders scanned over the parchment and was stunned. "The D-divine and Meredith both rejected the idea. Maker, maybe they are more responsible than I assumed. Perhaps I should talk with the Grand Cleric."

"I would be happy to go with you when you talk with the Grand Cleric."

Anders raised an eyebrow. "Don't trust me to be alone with Her Grace?"

"That isn't it at all and you know it. I just thought maybe two voices raising the same issues might get her attention more than just one."

"You're right, it probably would. I would love for you to be the voice of reason when I go see her."

"Let me know when you plan on going and I would be happy to accompany you. Well, I need to get home. I promised Mother I would try to spend more time at home and show up more often for dinner. Would you care to join us this evening for dinner?"

Anders shook his head. "Thank you for the offer, but I don't think I would make very good company right now."

"Okay." She leaned again and kissed his cheek, engulfing him with her comforting scent of vanilla and lavender. "Take care of yourself, Anders."

"You, too, Rylee."

Anders spent the rest of the day seeing patients and revising his manifesto to present to the Grand Cleric. He felt his Warden's appetite kick in as his stomach growled loudly. He now wished he had taken Rylee up on her offer for dinner. Her mother was an excellent cook and he really could use a decent meal. He heard the cat that he had been feeding cry, he stood up and fixed a saucer of milk. He had just bent down to place the bowl on the ground when the most delicious smell wafted into the clinic.

"What are you doing?" her sweet voice questioned from behind him.

"I miss having a cat. There is a stray around here that I try to feed when I hear it," Anders said as he stood up to face her. Maker, she looked beautiful. Her long, dark mahogany curls were down and loose around face. She wore a tight, red linen shirt with brown figure-hugging pants. She looked good enough to eat, even better than the large pot that she held in her hands that smelled divine.

"Maybe I could get you a cat," she suggested.

"No, I wouldn't do that. I would be afraid it would get eaten down here."

Rylee raised an eyebrow. "Well ,that isn't a very appetizing thought." Anders' stomach growled loud enough for her to hear it, making her chuckle. "Or maybe it is."

He laughed. "No, it's not, but whatever you have in that pot is mouth watering."

She smiled and gestured for the table. He took a seat as she set the container down. "My mother made this wonderful chicken and rice casserole, but there was so much left over that there was no way we would finish it before it went bad. I thought you might like it. I know you said you weren't up for company, so I thought I would just drop it off for you."

"Thank you. That was very thoughtful of you, but please stay. I would love the company."

"Okay, I would enjoy that." She grabbed one of his bowls and ladles out a large helping of the casserole then poured both of them a glass of wine.

"Food and wine, if I didn't know any better, I would think that you were trying to win your way into my heart through my stomach," Anders said.

"Oh? I thought I already had your heart."

Anders blushed. "Oh, you won that a long time ago, my dear friend." A sad smile flickered across her face. "Why the sad smile?"

She was quiet for a long moment as if picking her words carefully. "Just thinking about regrets. About how I've handled things in the past and what I would have done differently."

"Any regret in particular or just in general?"

"Just one," she said quietly.

"And what one would that be?" Anders asked as his heart began to race for some unknown reason as he waited in anticipation for her answer.

She bit at her bottom lip as she thought over her response then she looked up at him before she stood up and paced around the room. She paused in front of him and looked at him with a tender expression. "Regretting the _one_that I let get away."

Anders' heart was now beating out of control and he stood up in front of her, but before he could say anything, she asked, "Do you remember when I said that I had never given my heart way?"

Anders nodded. "Yes, I found it very sad that someone so beautiful on the inside as well as the outside had never experienced the joy of being in love."

"Well, that wasn't quite true. The first man that I ever loved was my father. He was brilliant, loving, and kind. At his own peril, he befriended a templar named Ser Bryant to train me with swords so that I could remain true to my word and protect Bethany. I watched the best man I've ever known be slain by a renegade templar. My heart d-died that d-day," she said as her voice broke.

Anders gently pressed his hand to the center of her chest. He could feel her heart as it beat wildly against his hand and he gazed tenderly into her eyes. "I hope that one day you will give me the opportunity to heal your heart the way that you have healed mine."

Rylee raised her hand and pressed it against Anders' chest. "Don't you realize you already have?"

The warmth of her hand pressed against him sent a flame of desire coursing through his body, but it was her words that caused his breath to hitch. "What are you saying?"

She stepped closer to him. "I never thought I would give my heart away because I never thought I would meet a man that was as kind, compassionate, or loving as my father, and then I met you. You changed everything, Anders."

Anders closed his eyes as he tried to gain control of himself. He burned desperately for her as his need grew out of control, but he had to try one last time to make her see reason. "Rylee, Justice was right. When he told you in the Fade that I would only break your heart."

"Justice is a wise spirit, Anders, but not not even Justice can predict the future. You can only break my heart if you make the conscious effort to do so. Is that something you would do to me?"

"It's not something I would ever want to do, but I don't know what the future holds. I don't know where Justice will lead me and the fight for the mages...it must always come first. He will never let it take second place even to you...and you deserve so much more than that."

She reached up and gently stroked his cheek. Her touch sent an electric charge coursing through him. "Anders, you're all I want. Your fight is my fight, your plight is my plight. You aren't fighting this battle alone. I am with you, fighting this war with you."

_**She doesn't know what she is committing to, Anders. She doesn't understand the extreme measures that I am willing for us to take to end the injustices that are being done to the mages. **_

_Her __sister is mage, she has fought to protect her sister and her father all of her life. She understand what she is committing to._

_**How can she understand it when you have yet to fully grasp what needs to be done.**_

_Stop! Not now, you aren't going to ruin thi__s moment._

Anders grasped her hand in his, "I have tried to hold back, to resist and fight what I have felt for you for years and the only reason that I have been able to endure the pain of not having you is because you have never been one to tease or taunt me with what I so desperately yearn to take, but if you keep talking like that I won't be able to resist...I won't be able to be a gentleman for much longer."

"I don't want you to be a gentleman. I want you to take what you—"

His resolve broke and she didn't have to tell him twice. His lips cut her off in mid-sentence as he ran his fingers through her hair to the nape of her neck, pulling her to him so that his mouth could finally claim hers with all the hunger and urgency that had built up between them over the past several years. Holding her, kissing her, the very smell of her inundated his senses. His head began to spin as his groin tightened with desire. She ran her tongue along his lower lip, begging for admittance, which he happily granted. Maker, she felt and tasted better than anything he had experienced before. He fed from her sweetness as he absorbed her essence into his very soul.

He spun her around against the wall and pressed her back into it. "Oh, M-maker, Ry, I want… I need you so badly." He moaned just before his lips captured hers again. He devoured her mouth as he pressed his groin against her core, causing her to moan his name. He loved the sound of his name falling from her lips. Her tongue darted into his mouth and danced against his like a velvet flame that burned so hot, yet so sweet through his entire body.

He gently pulled away from her and longingly gazed into her eyes. "This is going to be a disaster, but now that I've tasted your sweet lips I need to savor the rest of you. Tonight, I want all of you...I must have all of you, but you have to know that if you are with me that we will be hunted, hated, and the whole world will be against us. I'm giving you one last chance to change your mind."

"I'm used to the world being against me and hunting me. I protected my father and sister for years. I don't care about any of that, I just want you, Anders. I've lived without you long enough." She leaned into him and whispered against his lips, "I need you, I want you, and I love you."

He growled as he grabbed the hair at the nape of her neck, forcing her to look at him. "Do you know how long I have fantasized about hearing those words uttered from your lips?"

She shook her head. "For over three years, I have ached for you, yearned to tell you how much I loved you, longed to know if you could possibly feel the same for me. Hearing you say those three little words fall from your lips made me the happiest man alive. I will come to you tonight. You have to till then to change your mind. I pray for both of us that you will listen to my warning."

"There is no turning back now, love. I couldn't, even if I wanted to," she said against his lips. He pulled her back to him and brought his lips to hers. A hot, burning sensation raged through him as his tongue slipped once again into her mouth and her soft silky tongue intertwined with his. A low moan escaped from her lips and he felt a surge of lust between his legs.

"You need to go, before I take you right here, and this is not the place I want our first time together to be," he said with a groan.

She smiled, kissed his lips again, and turned to go. "I'll see you soon."

He watched her leave and his heart sang.

_**Anders, don't do this.**_

_I'm tired of fighting my need for her... my love for her. I want __peace and she is the only one who can provide the solace that I so desperately crave._

_**There can be no peace; there can be no rest until every mage has the basic freedoms that are given to even the lowest citizen. Peace will only make you lazy and complace**__**nt.**_

_Freedom for every mage, you ask too much; you dream too large. I am but one man..._

_**Together, Anders, we can accomplish much. Together we can change the world, but you must not give into your desire for her. She is the distraction that you do not need**__**.**_

_She already is a distraction. She is all that I think about, all that I dream about. She is everywhere I look, smell, and touch... satisfying this hunger is the only way to regain my focus._

_**You're wrong, Anders. She is different. Feasting from her will**__** only make you more ravenous.**_

_Then I'm willing to spend the rest of my life trying to satisfy my hunger with her._

_**Then you will damn her and us with one action!**_

**A/N- A big hugs and thank you to the betalicious Jinx1983 and betatabulous ****Mackillian**** for working** **their magic on this chapter. You two are awesome and I can't thank you enough!**

***Thank you to everyone that has added this story to their alert and favs list. I also want to thank everyone that took the time to review. I love hearing your thoughts and I hope that you will co****n****tinue to share them with me.**


	7. Chapter 7 Trip to Your Heart

**Chapter 6 – Trip to Your Heart**

"For tonight, it's just the two of us, turn the light low, just the two of us

Like how you whisper in my ear, your breath like ghost that disappear

Hold me close, hold me close, hold me tight now

Need you more, want you more, feel so right now

Like how your hands fill me up and down

Like how your touch send me off the ground

Spread my wings all into the dawn, I'll fly away on a trip to your heart

Break these chains that keep us apart, I'll fly away on a trip to your heart

Oh oh oh, I'll fly away on a trip to your heart"

_Trip to Your Heart by Britney Spears_

As Anders made his way toward Rylee's house, he had one finally debate with Justice. The last thing he wanted was to have the spirit interfere and ruin this first time with her. He had dreamt and fantasized of this for so long that he wanted it to be perfect. He was never truly alone, but tonight he wanted to come as close as he could to achieving that reality. Justice resigned himself to Anders determination to do this and drifted back to the recesses of Anders' mind.

Bodhan had let him in and he made his way to her bedroom. He stood in the shadows watching her as he memorized every line, every curve, every movement. She was beauty and grace, charming and alluring, dangerous and deadly, all rolled into the most exquisite body he had ever seen.

He entered the room and she spun to face him. She smiled that irresistible roguish grin of hers and his heart melted. "I was beginning to worry that you were going to stand me up."

"Justice believes I'm obsessed with you," Anders said as stepped closer to her. Her vanilla and lavender scent wafted up, flooding his senses. "He is right on that account, Rylee. I am consumed by you. You are in every waking thought. I carry your image with me in the Fade, and even there, you haunt me. I can't escape you."

She stepped closer to him and pressed her hand against his chest; his heart began to pound as his blood raced through his body toward his groin. Maker, her mere touch was sending him over the edge. "Do you want to escape?"

He gripped her shoulders, spun her around, pressed her against the wall, and leaned into her. His lips barely brushing against hers, he said, "Escape… never. You've captured me, captivated me, and enthralled me. You're all I want, Rylee."

She smiled as her hands slid around his neck; she grasped the hair at the nape of his neck and pulled him to her. She captured his mouth with hers—hard, deep, and oh so wet. His tongue slipped past her sweet, full lips and swept into her soft, velvety mouth. She swiveled her hips slightly, grinding herself against his already aching hard-on as she ran her nails down his neck, to his back and grabbed his bottom, pushing him even harder against her.

He groaned as a primal lust infused his body at her blatant display of sexual prowess. She was like a cat in heat… ready… willing… wanting. He always knew she would be a lioness in bed, but he never dreamed she would be so adept and he couldn't remember the last time he had been so fucking horny… so out of control.

He pulled back from the kiss, panting, and she moaned slightly with disappointment before he leaned down and pressed his lips against her neck as he licked his tongue over her racing pulse. She smelled so divine and sweet.

Rylee moaned his name as she leaned into him even more. Her hand left his ass and moved back to his neck, pressing him against her. He kissed his way down her neck to the pretty little indentation between her neck and shoulder. He had wanted to press his lips there from the first moment he had seen that dimple years ago. He nipped and sucked the soft skin and smiled as she shivered against him with a soft whimper.

He slid his hands down her back and splayed them over her tight bottom as he pulled her tight against his throbbing groin. He nibbled a path from the sweet, succulent flesh of her neck to her ear where he captured the lobe between his teeth.

"Ohh," she moaned. "Damn!"

He licked and sucked at her ear as he slowly, gently rocked his hips against hers, creating the most delicious friction that could just as well be his undoing. Just as the rhythm was about to kill him, she turned the tables on him by spinning him around and thrusting him against the wall.

He laughed as she pressed into him and a grin spread across his face as he realized that nothing would be predictable when making love to her and that thought alone made him grow even harder. "You do like to be in control, don't you?"

She giggled as she removed his coat and shirt, letting them fall to the floor. "Maybe."

She ran her hands down his now bare chest, his heart pounding against his ribs as his hands slid down her back, grasped her behind, pressed his aching groin into her, and rubbed against her. "Y-you might have to f-fight me for c-control."

"Oh, really? I'm not the one that sounds like they are about lose control," she said as she feathered kisses down his neck, to his chest. She slid her hand between them and began to stroke him through his trousers.

Maker help him, if he didn't get inside her soon, he was going to come in his pants like some fucking teenage virgin.

He twisted his fingers through her soft, silky tresses and pulled her hair back, exposing her long, slender neck to him. He distracted himself from the unspeakable pleasure her hand giving him by kissing and teasing his way toward the embroidered top of her low cut chemise. He took delight in the way her body trembled as his lips approached the swells of her breasts. He held her tighter as he used his teeth to pull at the lace ribbon that held the night shirt closed.

"Oh my, you are very talented," she moaned as he pulled the lace out, exposing her breasts to him.

"Sweetheart, you have no idea, but I'm about to show you," Anders groaned as he lowered his head and took her taut nipple into his mouth, swirling his tongue around it, tugging it with his teeth. She moaned his name. She was so sensitive to his touch, to his lips and mouth…

Oh fuck, his whole body jolted as she slipped her hand inside trousers and grasped his throbbing, hard length. She closed her hand around him as she ran her thumb back and forth across the sensitive tip. He moaned against her breasts, his hands clutched at her nightshirt as he fought for control. He glanced up and noticed the mirror across the room. He needed to distract her, to take her attention away from him.

He reached down and gripped the fabric of the chemise and pulled it over her head. He looked in the mirror at her bare back and ran his hand down her satiny skin to her bottom. He pulled on the thin bows on either side of her panties that held them on, and with one swift tug they fell to the floor. He glanced in the mirror as he ran his hand over her luscious bottom and caressed it until she purred into his ear. Maker help him, that purr combined with the delicious friction her hand was creating was about to make him come undone.

He grabbed her shoulders and spun her around so her back faced him. His arms circled around her waist and he pulled her to him. Their image, reflected in the mirror, her naked body pressed against his bare chest, his throbbing groin rubbing against her delectable backside. He had to pause for a moment to capture this image forever in his mind. She was so beautiful… so damn gorgeous, what in the Void was she doing with him?

She pressed her bottom against him and brought his attention back to her. He slid his hand up to her breast as his mouth found her neck's sensitive spot once again. He cupped her breasts and began to stroke each nipple with his thumb. She watched him in the mirror, fascinated as he masterfully teased and caressed her until her body nearly went limp against his.

"Do you like this?" he whispered.

"Maker, y-yess," she said as she tried to get control of her trembling body. She pressed her bottom against his almost painful hard-on.

"What else do you like, Rylee?"

She watched in the mirror as his fingers expertly manipulated her body causing her to writhe and squirm against him.

"Tell me. I'll do what you ask," Anders said into her ear just before he captured the lobe between his teeth.

She reached around and grabbed his hips as she thrust wildly back against him. "L-lower. T-touch me lower."

He moved his hand down her toned stomach; he paused just above the dark patch hair between her legs. He could feel the heat radiating off her. "Here… is this low enough?"

Her voice was raspy as she said, "You are such a fucking tease."

Anders chuckled. "Oh, so you mean lower."

He slipped his hand over top her apex. His hand rested there without moving, and his breath hitched in his chest. Oh, sweet Andraste, she was so incredibly wet. At his hesitation, she pushed her hips against his hand. He laughed again. "Patience, my sweet." Before she could reply, he released as small amount of pulsating electricity into her.

Her knees buckled as she cried out, "Oh, fuck me!" Her arm came up behind her and wrapped around his neck so that she could support herself.

He watched her, watching him, as he slid his fingers between her folds and inside her. Her eyes rolled back as a sigh escaped her lips. She was exquisite. His fingers vibrated inside of her and his thumb pulsed against taut swollen nub. He stroked and caressed her while sending vibrations of electricity through her. She trembled against him and moaned out his name. It was music to his ears.

No longer able to stand on her own, he held her up with his arm secure around her waist. His lips caressed her shoulders and neck, but he couldn't take his eyes off her image in the mirror as her head fell back against his chest. Her body stiffened, he felt her inner muscles clamp down around him. "Ohh… A-anders… Maker… yessss!"

She leaned back against his chest panting trying to catch her breath. He feathered kisses up and her neck. "What was that you were saying about being in control? 'Cause, by the looks of things, you seem to be very much out of control."

Anders watched her eyes flicker mischievously as that impish grin slid across her face. She spun around and she gently kissed his lips before she began to kiss her way down his body. Her mouth wandered over him, tasting, licking, exploring. There was nothing inhibited sexually with Rylee. It was obvious that she enjoyed sex, and with each kiss, with each swirl of her tongue, she whispered to him how beautiful she thought he was, how much she desired him, and how much wanted to have sex with him. It was so completely exciting to be with a woman that was so open with him. Someone that felt the intimate bond that came from exploring another human being's body.

Maker, she was doing such delicious things with her tongue and he couldn't think straight as his head began to spin. She slipped to her knees; she pulled his trousers down and he could feel her hot breath against his hard length. His body shuddered with anticipation of him being in her mouth. As she slid her hand around him, she smiled up at him as his body betrayed him and trembled against her touch.

She lowered her head so that she could lick around the head of his member. It was a slow, teasing exploration of the shape and contour of his length. His breath slammed out of his lungs as he watched her in the mirror, leisurely discovering his body.

She looked up at him and she seemed to revel in his darkening hunger. She smiled roguishly at him. "I thought I would find out how you taste. Whether you're spicy, tangy, tart…"

"Not f-fair," he moaned as her tongue swirled around the head. "I w-wanted to taste you first."

She laughed just before her mouth engulfed him as she took him deep into her throat and began a sensuous foray with her mouth and tongue. Now it was his turn to cry out, as a guttural groan ripped from his throat. He watched in the mirror as her head glided back and forth and he felt her velvety tongue lick and suck the at the sensitive tip. Unable to control himself any longer, his hips began to move with her as she set the rhythm. She was a heartless tease as she paid him back by bringing him to the brink of orgasm only to slide her mouth loosely over him, bringing him back down, then she would suck at him again and lavish attention with her tongue and lips. Maker, she was perfect for him in every way.

He entangled his fingers in her long, dark tresses as she continued to pull at him. With each tug of her mouth, each twirl of her tongue, his hips grew more urgent more frantic in response. A moan tore from his throat when she grasped the weights that hung between his legs and stroked them. His head fell back against the wall as he racked it with his fingers.

"Ry, s-stop… I can't control…"

But she didn't stop, she was relentless until he was so far gone with pleasure he couldn't think straight. "Let me have you, please," he said between his teeth.

Her taunting laugh vibrated against him, teasing his senses even more. She reveled in the power she had over him. He growled has his hands bunched into her hair as her mouth took him over the edge. The sheer bliss finally enclosed around him, bringing him peace. She milked him thoroughly as he etched the vision of her and this moment into his mind. He would never be able to go back to what he had been; he could no longer live without her. She was the light and he was drawn to her like a moth drawn to a flame. She reassured him that he wasn't alone in this endless darkness.

He reached out to her, grabbed her wrist and pulled her to him. He brushed the hair out of her face and lovingly stared down at her. She was his miracle and she would be his salvation. "I need you, Ry. I desperately, desperately need you."

She reached up and caressed his face. "You have me, Anders. I'm not going anywhere."

He buried his head in her hair and inhaled her scent. She smelled of vanilla, lavender, sweat, and sex. She smelled delicious. "I love you, Rylee."

"I love you, too, Anders." He reached down, grabbed her thighs, and lifted her up. Her legs encircled him as he carried her to the bed. He sat on the edge of the bed as she straddled him. Anders leaned forward and gently kissed the valley between her breasts.

With one hand around her waist, the other came to her breasts and palmed the soft swell in his hand as his fingers glided over the cream skin. "You are so soft, so inviting…" He bent forward and drew her nipple into his mouth, unable to resist the temptation.

Rylee closed her eyes and pressed closer to him as her hands wrapped around his head and holding him to her. He sucked and nipped at the tight buds and a quiet mew escaped her lips. He loved that she enjoyed him and the things that he was doing to her. She moaned as she pressed her hips against his already erect penis. He felt her hot, wet core and his hips involuntarily surged forward.

Her arms encircled his neck, and she lifted her herself up as she whispered, "I thought I would just take a little ride." Very slowly she settled over him; he could feel the heat radiate off of her. She gradually, teasingly lowered herself onto him and he watched her shudder with pleasure as he pushed through her folds and sank deep into her. As her wet, hot center enfolded him, every nerve ending came alive and became a sizzling flame. A moan escaped her lips as Anders grasped her hips and pressed her against him.

With one hand still around her waist, he raised the other to caress what he was sure the world's most beautiful face. She pressed her cheek into his hand, pressed a kiss into his palm before she drew his thumb into silky mouth and began to suck. His body quivered at the two sensations her body was causing.

"Look at me," he whispered hoarsely.

She lowered her gaze and looked lovingly at him with her piercing blue eyes as she continued to ride him. He watched her reverently and enthralled as he watched her eyes change from loving and tender to lustful and hungry as she began to rock faster and harder against him. _Fuck me, she is fantastic_.

He wrapped his arms around her waist and pressed her against him as he drove long, hard thrusts deep inside her. He loved the feel of her breasts as they rubbed against his chest, the way she threw her head back in obvious bliss, the way she purred, just like a cat, as she deepened the movement between them, quickened the pace. He felt her grind her body onto his length as she desperately tried to take him in deeper. She was as wild and uninhibited as he was. She cried out his name and dug her nails into his shoulders, he felt her muscles constrict around him as the current of sheer bliss ripped through her she took him over the edge with her. He felt the pressure start at his core, build, and then burst through him with such an incredible force that he cried from the intense ecstasy. A firestorm of pleasure washed over and through them, leaving them breathless and clinging to each other. He had never experience a connection like this with another person and he held onto her frantically, not wanting to let her go for fear that the bond he felt was all in his mind and would dissolve the moment he released her.

As if sensing his thoughts, Rylee pulled back and claimed his mouth with hers. Hot, wet, hungry as she fed from him and he from her. The kisses changed from passionate lust to a slower, calmer exchange of love and tenderness. She pulled away and looked into his eyes for a long moment as they drank each other in. "I don't know what this is… this bond between us, but I know it doesn't happen every day. I do know when I'm with you everything just comes together and fits perfectly. I'm going to take what the Maker has offered, grab it with both hands, and never let go."

Anders buried his head on her chest, he wanted to cry, but instead kissed her. "Maker, I thought it was just me. I feel the exact same way. I can't go back. You're my future; I need you to survive as much as I need the air to breathe." He fell back on the bed, pulling her with him. He threw a blanket over top of them as she snuggled down into his chest. "I love you, Rylee."

"I love you, Anders."

He looked up at the ceiling and studied it for a long moment. "I really think we need to put a few mirrors on the ceiling."

She giggled as she snuggled deeper into his embrace. "I think that's a fabulous idea, as long you plan on using them on regular basis."

He tenderly stroked her bare back. "Oh, have no fear about that. They will be put to good use."

**xxXxx**

As Anders and Rylee made their way back to Rylee's Hightown estate after helping Aveline and the city guard deal with some raiders on the Wounded Coast, Anders couldn't help but be amazed at how completely his life had changed. He had been living with Rylee for the past three months and he had never been so happy in his life. When he wasn't out on a mission with her, he still spent all his time at the clinic, but it was wonderful to come home to her—home. For the first time since he had been a young boy, he had a home. It wasn't the walls and beams that made up her estate, it was her, and home for him would be wherever she was.

He knew that he had loved Lillah and that she had loved him. He knew what a wonderful gift it was to love and be loved by someone and he would never demean the relationship that he had with her. However, it didn't compare to what he felt and had with Rylee. He loved her so completely. She fit him perfectly in every sense.

He didn't have to pretend with her, she gave him the freedom to be himself with her, to be completely open and honest without judgment. She gave him the sense of security to know that he was safe to share with her his deepest desires, his unspoken fears, to tell her about his haunted past and to know that she loved him and accepted him even with all his faults.

In the evening after dinner, she spent time with him, reading as he worked on his manifesto; she would read it then make edits and suggestions to strengthen his arguments. She taught him that a fundamental deductive argument flows logically to its conclusion from its premise. She showed him how to emphasize the importance of the relationship between a conclusion and premise. She illustrated to him that a debate was like sword fighting in that if you can anticipate your opponents' next move, that you would know how to counter it and retort. Even Justice was impressed with the logic of her advice and had become more accepting of his relationship with the beautiful rogue.

Much to Anders' dismay, Rylee had also become very involved in the Mage Underground. Anders knew that her involvement had as much to do with her guilt over Bethany as it had to do with him, but her association with the underground worried him. It was bad enough that she lived with a known apostate, but Anders didn't want the taint of magic to have any repercussions falling at her feet. Justice, however, was thrilled at her involvement and excited about all the possibility that her connections could bring… that last bit was what worried Anders the most.

At night after the last candle was blown out was his favorite part of the day. After they retired to their bed chamber, they would spend hours giving and receiving some of the most indescribable pleasures to each other. He couldn't get enough of her. He explored every inch of her delectable body as if he hoped that by taking her, tasting her, and being with her in every way possible, he would somehow possess her. What he loved most was that she was just as insatiable in the bedroom as he was. She enjoyed sex and enjoyed sex with him. She was just as adventurous and bold in the bedroom as she was on the battlefield, but it was the intimate connection… the fusion of two individuals coming together. To be one that was forming some type of unbreakable bond between them that was just as profound to her as it was to him.

Once at the estate, they took a relaxing bath together as they leisurely washed, licked, and sucked each other clean. He groaned a little when she stood to get out of the tub.

She turned and grinned at him. "I promised Varric we would join him at the Hanged Man for this new sing-a-long thing the owner of the tavern was trying. Varric was very excited about it."

Anders pouted. "Can't we just sing-a-long here? I'll serenade you until your knees go weak and your body quakes."

Rylee's eyes flared with hunger as she sighed. "Oh, my."

That was all the encouragement Anders needed and he was out of the tub in a flash. He scooped her into his arms and she wrapped her legs around his waist. He pressed her against the wall as he entered her in one swift movement. Anders kissed and licked his way down her slender throat as he asked, "Which song would you like me to play on my magical trumpet?"

She bit into his shoulder blade, sending a mixture of ecstasy and pain racing through him. She whispered into his ear, "Here Comes the Mage."

He moaned as he thrust into her harder and faster. "That won't be a problem. How many times do you want him to come?"

She ran her nails down his back. "All night long." Her mouth eagerly devoured his. Maker, she tasted so good… wine mixed with honey… fuck… the way she just swirled her hips… Maker's hairy balls… fuck… he… he couldn't get enough of her.

"I c-can arrange that," he growled as plunged deeper and harder into her hot, wet core. She cried out his name as she threw her head back and arched against him. Her inner muscles constricted around him, pulling him over the edge with her, draining him completely. He continued to move inside her, not wanting to leave the sanctuary of her body. Eventually, he collapsed against her in sheer exhaustion, burying his head into her neck. Her fingers lovingly and tenderly entangled in his hair as she kissed his shoulder.

Still pressing against her, not ready to have the warmth of her body leave him, Anders lowered her to the ground. He kissed the dimple between her neck and shoulder and she let out a slight mew. Her fingers still entwined in his hair as she caressing his head she whispered, "So did that take the edge off until we come home tonight?"

"Not by a long shot, but I'll try to control my ravenous hunger for you until we get back."

"Well, if you become starved, we could always sneak upstairs and use Varric's bed."

"As long as the dwarf doesn't join us, you can have your way with me anywhere you want."

"Promises, promise," Rylee said as she moved away from him to get dressed.

"I never make a promise that I don't keep, love, especially when it comes to you."

"So you would have me in a Darktown ally?" she asked as she slid into her dress.

"Yep."

"In the Deep Roads?"

"Without a doubt."

"In my mother's bed?"

Anders chuckled. "Need to work out some childhood issues? I'm your man."

"In front of Knight-Commander Meredith?"

"She might get an eye full, but yes, I would do that too, just to see the look on her face, and I hope she isn't into women or I might have to beat her off of you?"

"By the looks of her, she might be," Rylee said.

"We can always introduce her to Isabela. I am sure they'll get along famously."

An hour later, they walked into the Hanged Man. Rylee spun to face him and grinned. "On the altar in the Chantry?"

Anders snickered. "Especially there!"

Rylee smiled that roguish grin at him and winked. "Then we need to get crackin' on that list."

Anders grabbed her by the waist, pulled her back against him, and kissed her neck. "Keep talking like that and we will start on that list with Varric's bed… right now."

The whole gang was already there and Isabela waved them over. They took their seats between Isabela and Varric as the dwarf ordered another round for the table.

"So what exactly is a sing-a-long?" Anders asked.

Isabela's eyes widened with excitement. "Well, there is a band that plays songs while you sing along to them. You can pick from all these different songs in this book."

Rylee raised an eyebrow. "You seem very excited about this."

"Pirates are well known for making merriment on the high seas." Isabela cleared her throat and sang, "Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me, we pillage, we plunder, we rifle and loot, drink up me hearties, yo ho, we kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot, drink up me hearties, yo ho."

Rylee smiled. "Not bad. Been taking lessons?"

"No, but as you instructed, I have been practicing… doing that diaphragm thing you told me about."

Anders looked at Rylee questioningly, but Isabela interjected, "Don't tell me, Blondie, in all this time, you've never heard Ry sing."

Anders raised an eyebrow. "You can sing?"

Before Rylee could reply, Isabela said, "You must not be doing something right, because I had her singing like a canary the first I took her to bed."

Anders felt his blood run cold as the jealousy coursed through him at the reminder that Rylee had been with Isabela for almost two years.

Rylee reassuringly patted Anders' leg. "That's because I'm too busy doing other things with my mouth to be thinking about singing."

Isabela chortled. "As far as I can recall, I was using my mouth while you were singing."

"Must have sounded like she was killing a cat if you were on her," Anders said.

"And you would know all about pussy... cats, don't ya?" Isabela asked.

"Yes, I am quite the expert when it comes to making a pussy purr," Anders said.

Isabela's eyes widened. "Really? Hm, I do recall that your little electricity trick really did make my kitty mew."

Anders noticed Rylee's face flush with anger... or maybe jealously. He smiled; she couldn't really be jealous over that incident with Isabela, could she? That was years ago.

Rylee grabbed the songbook out of Isabela's hands and quickly looked through it. She thrust the book back at the pirate. "That one—you and me!"

Isabela looked at the song selection, smiled impishly, and then winked at Rylee. "You're on."

Anders watched, completely enthralled, as Rylee and Isabela made their way to the stage that had been set up for the evening. He had a feeling any duet with Isabela was going to be entertaining. He had heard Rylee hum and sing softly to herself around the house and at camp, but his jaw dropped when she began to sing. He never realized the incredible voice she had.

Rylee looked over at Isabela as if singing to her, almost taunting her.

"_Every night he walks right in my dreams, since I met him from the start.__ I'm so proud I am the only one, who is special in his heart._

_The boy is mine, the doggone boy is mine, I know he's mine, because the doggone boy is mine."_

Isabela feigned a look of disgust as she sang back her retort.

_"I don't understand the way you think, saying that he's yours not mine. Sending roses and your silly dreams, really just a waste of time."_

Fenris scoffed as he sat his ale down. "Please tell they aren't singing over the abomination."

"I do believe they are, but we already know who wins this fight," Varric said.

"Please, you give the abomination too much credit. He hasn't won anything yet," the elf said. Fenris hadn't been accompanied them on many missions lately. Anders had a feeling that Rylee was doing that for his sake. So it was obvious that the elf didn't know that they were together and that he was living with her.

"It's you that doesn't give the abomination enough credit," Anders said evenly as he watched Rylee work the stage, mesmerized by her every move. Maker he couldn't wait to get her home and be alone again with her. The delicious things he was going to do to her.

Isabela turned to face Rylee as she gripped at her chest_. "I love you more than she, take you anywhere."_

Rylee bent down almost to one knee, glanced his way as she pleaded_, "But I love you endlessly, loving we will share." _

Anders couldn't help but smile back at her. He wanted to block out the nonsense chatter around him and concentrate on her, but he couldn't stop from being sucked back in.

"They don't look like they are fighting. I've never seen Hawke sing while she is fighting. It's always you that sings, Varric," Merrill said.

"Oh, don't confuse singing with serenading. Varric serenades Bianca," Anders said.

"You don't think Hawke is going skewer Isabela, do you?" Merrill asked. "I rather like the pirate and she promised once she gets her ship back to show me below her decks."

Rylee swayed back and forth to the music, and pointed to Isabela as she sang:  
><em>"But we both cannot have him, so it's one or the other, and one day you'll discover, that he's my boy forever and ever."<em>

Varric chortled. "I'm sure she did, Daisy."

"I'm surprised she doesn't want to show you below the decks now," Anders said.

"How can she do that without a ship?" Merrill asked.

"Are you sure you want me to answer that question, Daisy? It might shock the ears off you," Varric said.

Isabela turned to Rylee and smiled at her. _"Rylee, we're not going to fight about this, okay?"_

Rylee grinned back at her. _"Isabela, I think I told you, I'm a lover not a fighter."_

"Since when?" Varric asked.

"Has Hawke given up fighting?" Merrill asked.

Isabela nonchalantly turned away from Rylee and casually waved her off. _"I've heard it all before, Rylee. He told me that I'm his forever lover you know, don't you remember?"_

"Who told her that?" Merrill asked, shocked.

Rylee grinned impishly at the pirate, winked at Anders, and boldly said, _"Well, after loving me, he said he couldn't love another."_

"Well, she seems very sure of herself. I hope she isn't overconfident in her skills," Merrill said.

"Oh, she isn't," Anders said nonchalantly and all eyes turned to him. He just gave them a knowing grin.

Isabela pretended to be shocked. _"Is that what he said?"_

Rylee just grinned. _"Yes, he said it, you keep dreaming."_

Isabela ripped at her shirt as if agony. _"I don't believe it."_

"Well, this is an interesting development," Fenris said solemnly.

Anders didn't say anything as he just continued to grin. As the girls made their way back to the table, they received a standing ovation from the crowd.

"If this crowd cheers so much just to hear us sing, I wonder what they will do when they see our performance in other activities," Isabela said.

Rylee began to sit down, but Anders grabbed her wrist, pulled her into his lap, and whispered, "You'll love me endlessly?"

She grinned. "Well, after loving you, I could never love another."

He grinned at her then kissed her passionately.

**A/N - I hope that enjoyed the Kirkwall version of karaoke. I know that the song is a modern song, but I thought it was good fit for Rylee and Isabela. I was going to have the boys sing _Stray Cat Strut_, but I thought that might be a little over the top. **

***I truly appreciate everyone who is following this story and has taken the time to review it. It's wonderful hearing your thoughts and comments. Also thank you to everyone that has added this story to your favs and alert lists. I'm glad you are enjoying the story. **

***I also want to thank Beta Wizard One – Jinx1983 and Beta Wizard Two – Mackillian for their working their magic on this chapter, for your support and for being such a great sounding board. You ladies are awesome!**

***To my fellow Americans, I hope you have a safe and happy 4****th**** of July!**


	8. Chapter 8 No Air

**Over the next couple of chapters a few ideas are introduced that aren't necessarily DA canon. This story is not a typical AU, but I wanted to emphasize that it will not be following the canon of the game. The reason behind this decision is that the story will not end when the games does and there are some fundamental elements that need to be introduced before Act III ends to drive the story forward. Thank you for your understanding and I hope that you will continue to enjoy the story.**

**Chapter 7 - No Air  
><strong>

"If I should die before I wake, it's 'cause you took my breath away

Losing you is like living in a world with no air, oh

I'm here alone, didn't wanna leave, my heart won't move, it's incomplete

If there was a way that I could make you understand

But how do you expect me, to live alone with just me?

'Cause my world revolves around you, it's so hard for me to breathe

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air? Can't live, can't breathe with no air

It's how I feel whenever you ain't there, there's no air, no air

Got me out here in the water so deep, tell me how you gon' be without me?

If you ain't here I just can't breathe, there's no air, no air"

_No Air - Jordin Sparks _

Anders paced around the study as he waited for Rylee to finish speaking to Fenris. The elf was insufferable, his treatment of Rylee was inexcusable and that alone was enough to infuriate him, but what drove him crazy was her willingness to continuously give the former slave aid. She was devoting a large amount of her free time teaching him to read, but the elf seemed so ungrateful in his treatment of her and it seemed that he had no problem deliberately placing her in danger by involving her in his own personal mess. She had gone to that slaver's cave as a personal favor to him and he had the nerve to yell at her then stomp off abandoning her there. Then he had the gall to show up here to apologize, it had taken all of Anders self control not to strike him. Rylee had politely asked Anders to excuse the two of them, so Anders had come into the library, poured himself a brandy, drank it all in one gulp and then poured another.

_**That isn't going to solve anything, Anders.**_

_No, but it will make me feel a hell of a lot better._

_**Anders you cannot allow yourself to become too emotionally involved in every aspect of Rylee's life. These are Rylee's companions, she has to be involved with their lives, but you don't.**_

_What affects her, affects me too!_

_**But you are more upset about the elf's behavior than she is and it's because you are allowing your feelings for her to overrule your judgment. You're going to get yourself killed trying to protect her, Anders. She is perfectly capable of taking care of herself.**_

_I know she is…._

_**Then stop trying to save her! She was running her life perfectly fine before you came along.**_

_I can't help it…I'm so afraid of something happening to her and I can't lose her…I can't go back to life was like before her…she brought me to life._

He felt a soft hand rest on his shoulder and turned to see her. "Anders, are you okay?"

He nodded as an irrational fear of something happening to her gripped his mind.

_**Nothing will happen to her, Anders. Have faith in her and her abilities.**_

Justice was right. She had been fine for years, she was the most skilled rogue he had ever seen and that was saying something because he had fought beside Nathaniel Howe and Sigrun, the dwarf from the Legion of the Dead.

She looked at him with her eyebrows raised as she tenderly caressed his cheek, "Sweetie, are you okay?" She asked again.

He smiled at her as he pulled her into his arms, "Yes, I'm fine. Just tired."

_**Liar!**_

_Shut up!_

_**I'm better at this relationship stuff than you. Just tell her the truth.**_

_Tell her that I have an irrational paranoia that she is going to die. No thanks, I would like her to continue to think of me as sane._

_**You have a Spirit inside of you; she can't think that you're all that stable in the first place. **_

_Thanks for the vote of confidence. _

She took his hand in hers and began to lead him up their bed chamber. She turned and looked at him and smiled, "In front of the Arishok?"

Anders chuckled at her continuation of their game. "I'll show you the real Qun, Sweetheart."

She laughed, "Oh, please do."

They both quickly changed for bed. She curled up on his chest and was sleep within minutes. He held her for a long time listening to the soft sounds of her breathing. He thanked the Maker every day that she was now a part of his life and cursed himself for staying away from her for so long and for all the wasted years that they could have been together. The rhythmic sounds of her breathing finally drew him into the Fade.

**xxXxx**  
><em>Rylee stood at the edge of a very large lake. It was beautiful as the setting sun's rays sparkled off of the water. It was very peaceful here. Although she didn't know where here was. She had never seen this lake or place before.<em>

_"Rylee," a deep voice came from behind her. She turned around and saw Anders standing there, but the voice wasn't his._

_"Justice?"_

_"Yes, it's me."_

_"Where is Anders?"_

_"He's here, but because we entered the Fade in his sleep it's easier for me take control and distract his mind with other things. He is aware that I am talking with you, but he is too relaxed to fully comprehend the conversation let alone recall it in the morning," the Spirit explained._

_She raised a suspicious eyebrow, "Why did you want to talk to me?"_

_"I am concerned about Anders. He loves you, Rylee. He loves you more than any rational man should and it's because of his deep love for you that he has developed an unfounded fear of losing you. If he allows this fear to fester it's going to get him killed."_

_Her eyebrows now furrowed, "Why do you say that?"_

_"When in battle, he is taking too many chances, leaving himself unprotected as he tries to protect and shield you. It's going to get him killed."_

_"I haven't noticed…"_

_"You haven't noticed that instead of fighting at a distance he is inching closer and closer to the center of battle. You haven't noticed that even if he is injured he will heal you before he takes care of himself?"_

_She hung her head, "N-no, I'm so consumed in the heat of battle, I hadn't noticed."_

_"As you should, as he should be, but isn't."_

_"What do you want me to do?"_

_"Don't take him on the most dangerous missions. Take Merrill, she has more battle skills…"_

_"But she is a lousy healer. There isn't a better healer than Anders."_

_"On the next couple of mission don't bring him with you so that he can see that you will return to him safe and sound."_

_"Anders won't be happy that I'm not taking him and he will ask me why. I don't have any logical reason not to." _

_"Tell him that on these missions you need warriors and I will remind him that the break will allow him to spend some much needed time at the clinic."_

_Rylee nodded. "That might work. Thank you for telling me about this Justice. I will consider what you have told me."_

_"That is all I ask."_

_The scene changed and she was running in field outside of Lothering, Carver and Bethany were chasing her._

The sun cracked through the window and shined across her bed. Taboo whimpered in her sleep and rolled over on the floor. Rylee looked down at her mabari and smiled. "Aaaww, poor girl, did Anders kick you out of bed again?"

"Me kick her out? Ha! It's more like her kick me out," Anders chuckled as he walked into the room carrying a tray of breakfast breads and a pot of tea.

"What? My little Boo would never do such a thing."

"Little my arse," Anders replied.

Rylee grinned, "Your arse is not small and not too big, it's just right."

"It's about time someone noticed the perfection that is my derriere," Anders chuckled.

Rylee's eyes glistened with lust, "Oh it's more that perfection. It's downright sinfully delicious."

"Sinful, huh? And what sin is it tempting you with?"

"The sin of lust which I am hoping will lead to the sin of carnal fornication," she purred.

Anders sat the tray down, crawled up the bed to her. "My favorite sin of them all," he moaned just before he captured her lips with his.

**xxXxx**

That evening Rylee, Isabela, Anders and Fenris made their way down to the docks. There was some suspicious activities involving Fereldans and Rylee was determined to get to the bottom of it. Although she had lived in Kirkwall for almost five years, in her heart Ferelden was still her home and whenever she could help her fellow countrymen, she did.

When they arrived at the secret rendezvous point, Rylee ordered everyone to stay behind as she shifted into the shadows and eased forward to hear the conversation. Anders shifted uncomfortably as he eyed the rather large and very capable captains. Anders started to edge forward and he felt someone grab his arm.

"You aren't the stealthiest mage, Blondie. You stay here and I'll back up our girl," Isabela hissed as she slid into the shadows.

Not able to detect either one of them any more Anders held his breath praying they went undetected. Everything seemed to be going well, but then something caught one of the men's eyes and he yelled, "We aren't alone captain."

Seconds later Anders saw both Rylee and Isabela appear behind the two captains and drive their daggers into them, but the captains anticipated the move and disappeared before the girls' blades made contact. Anders breath hitched in his throat when he saw Rylee and Isabela surrounded by at least a dozen highly skilled thugs. Fenris let out a fierce war cry as he charged forward. Anders began to rush toward the fray.

_**ANDERS, STOP! You're a range fighter. Stay back and cast protective and healing spells.**_

_They are completely out numbered_…

_**You will aid them more back here.**_

Anders knew he was right but his need to keep her safe was overriding his logic and he kept slipping toward the skirmish. He was on the edge to fight when Rylee spun around, anger in her eyes, "Anders, what the hell are you doing? Get back!" She yelled as she rolled under an incoming blade.

"You're out numbered, you need help," he yelled back.

_**She can handle herself. She is highly capable. Have faith in her.**_

A reaver swung his large axe at her knees trying to bring her down, she jumped high in the air and the blade passed under her. When she landed, she pivoted, swung her leg around, driving into the thugs chest, the man stumbled backwards, Rylee charged forward knocking the man to the ground and plunging her daggers into the man's chest.

She twisted around to face him, "Anders, you're going to get me killed if I have to worry about your safety too. Now get back!" Then she charged back into the fight.

Anders fell back just as Raiders from above decided to join the party. Anders stood his ground at the bottom of the stairs and impeded their advance by firing every primal spell he had in his arsenal.

Isabela popped up behind him and said, "Good job, Blondie, but I can take it from here. If you could cast a repulsion graft that would be awesome," the pirate asked as she rushed forward.

Anders did as asked then surveyed the group to see who needed healing. Both Rylee and Fenris were injured. Fenris wounds were move severe, but his instinct was to protect Rylee first.

"I could use some healing about now," Fernis cried out.

Anders casted the healing spell at Fenris. "Oh now you like magic…when it will save your miserable life…Hypocrite!"

The fight didn't last much longer and when it was over he made his way over to Rylee who was gripping her arm. He instantly cast a healing spell at the slice on her arm. She looked at him, but didn't say anything. He looked down at her and rubbed some blood off of her cheek. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

She continued to look at him, sympathy and love reflected in her eyes. "Anders…"

"I know, I need to stay back, but the need to keep you safe is overwhelming at times," Anders said softly.

"Do I look inept at handling myself?"

Anders shook his head, "No you are fiercer then most warriors I know and as deadly as any assassin. I understand this logically, but in the heat of battle, I'm overcome with this fear of losing you…I can't lose you, Ry…I just can't"

She took his hands in hers, "Anders, this is what we do. This is the life that I have chosen. There are dangers that come with it, but you have to have faith in my abilities and in my training. I can't worry about you and fight the way I need to fight."

She paused for a long moment then ran her hand through her hair in frustration. "Look, I have to go to the Wounded Coast tomorrow to help Aveline deal with some raiders. I think you should spend the day catching up at the clinic."

_**She is right Anders. You need to take care of your obligations at the clinic and let her handle this on her own.**_

"What? Not go with you? Ry, the Coast is dangerous, you need me there to heal you," Anders said.

She smiled, "I need warriors with me on this mission, Anders. I will bring Merrill with me. Her battle skills are strong."

"She sucks at healing. If someone is seriously injured they will die before they get back to Kirkwall. Don't do this, Ry. I promise I will stay back, out of the fight," Anders pleaded.

She smiled tenderly at him, "Anders you have neglected the clinic long enough. The few days that I'm gone will give you time to tend to your patience without distraction."

_**Finally the voice of reason!**_

"Worrying about you will be one damn big distraction," Anders retorted angrily as spun away to go heal the others.

**xxXxx**

Anders felt her quickly ease out of bed to get ready for her trip to the Wounded Coast. After they had returned to the estate last night they continued to bicker about her decision to leave him at home and had gone to bed mad at each other. He hadn't slept for a minute as the misery of the argument weighted on him and the comfort of her warm body pressed against his was absent since they had gravitated to separate sides of the bed.

Once she was dressed and her bag was packed she leaned down to kiss him. As much as he wanted to pretend that he was asleep, he couldn't let her leave without holding her and kissing her goodbye. He grabbed her wrist and pulled her to him. She fell on top of his bare chest. He tucked a loose hair behind her ear. "I'm sorry. You're right; I need to trust in your skills as a fighter. I promise I will work on it."

"Anders, no one enters a battle without fear. Courage doesn't mean that you don't have any fear. Courage is the ability to master your fear and use it to your advantage. If all you focus on is the fear and doubt, you can't enjoy the journey or the victory."

"How can you be so wise and so beautiful?' Anders said as he pulled her to him. His hand slid around to the nape of her neck. "Come back to me, Ry. Come back to safe and sound," he whispered before he pressed his lips against hers. The sexual current that was always there between them that lingered just below the surface surged through them. She immediately responded to him, kissing him back with no hesitation. Her lips parted as Anders tongue hungrily explored her mouth, a small moan escaped her lips. Anders grabbed her waist, rolled her over on the bed, rolling with her and never breaking contact with her mouth.

"Ry," he murmured as he ran his hands through her hair kissing a path along her jaw to her neck. His fingers nimbly undid the belt and hook on her Enasalin armor vest and slid his hand under the tunic. Rylee moaned and arched her back as he cupped her breast, his thumb gently teased her nipple though the breast band.

"I'm going to be late," she groaned.

"They'll wait for you, I guarantee it," Anders whispered as he leaned forward to remove the vest and pull the tunic over her head. With his hunger for her growing, he urgently removed the breast band, his mouth seized her nipple, and he lovingly rolled his tongue over the taut peak, nipping at it with his teeth. His hand cupped her other breast as his fingers pulled and pinched at the stiff nub. Rylee moaned as she ran her fingers up his back, and slid around his bare chest, she pulled and twirled his nipples between her delicate fingers. A groan tore from his throat, "Ry…my sweet Ry."

Anders knew she didn't have much time, but he needed to taste her one last time before she left. Anders slid down her body kissing a path down the valley between her breasts to her toned stomach. He quickly undid her pants and slipped them off. He kissed a path up her thigh, to the beautiful glistening curls at the junctions of her thighs. He paused as he inhaled her sweet musky scent. He looked at her, their eyes met and just smiled wickedly at her. He dipped his head between her thighs; nipped at the inside her thigh then brushed several kisses to her wet lips before he slowly ran the tip of his tongue over her shimmering curls to get her taste on his tongue, his body trembled as he savored her. She moaned and arched into him. He placed his hand on her belly and gently pushed her down.

Anders licked her wet folds apart then his tongue swiftly sampled her sweet nectar as he ran his tongue along the length of her sex. He slid his finger through her folds to her hot core, he slid his fingers inside her wetting them, then he slid them out and ran them up the length of her sex to he found the tight bundle of nerves. He swirled his fingers around the taut nub invoking a cry of pleasure from Rylee.

"You like this, love?"

"Y-yes."

He smiled as her body trembled against him. He dipped his head again, he plunged his tongue through her curls and grasped the glinting pearl with his lips and tugged. She moaned as she grasped handfuls of hair and pushed her hips into him. He sucked, licked and nipped at her nub as she bucked, moaned and writhed against his lips. He placed three fingers at the center of her hot core and began to teasingly caress the opening.

"Anders, p-please!"

"Please what? Tell me what you need, Ry."

"In…inside me. I need you inside me," she panted.

Anders slid his fingers deep inside her hot center, he curved his fingertips up so that he hit that spot that he knew would send her racing toward the edge. He closed his lips once again over the orb as his fingers worked her over from the inside. She cried out as he sucked and teased her, her legs quaked against him as she pulled at his hair, guiding him where she wanted him, she was completely lost in the throes of ecstasy and she never looked or sounded more beautiful. He heard her breath hitch then she bucked violently against him then her body went ridged as her muscles clamped around his fingers as the powerful release rushed through her and she cried out his name and pulled at his hair. He felt his erection hardening almost painfully, the sounds of her pleasure intoxicating, the longing to be in her, almost unbearable. She moaned loudly and gasped almost unintelligibly, "Andersbaby…please…in..m-menow."

Anders kissed his way back up to her, took her mouth with his, with the taste of her still on his lips she eagerly returned the kiss, causing another aching throb from his groin. He swiftly stood up, removed his bottoms and was instantly back between her legs. In one swift movement he plunged into her hot wet center. Her heat enveloped him as he surged deeper into her. An animalistic groan ripped from her throat as she arched into his thrusts. She moved with him, completely in rhythm they moved together as one, he felt her strength, her power, he felt every part of him connected with this amazing, beautiful woman.

"Mine," he moaned against her neck.

"Yours," she sighed as she wrapped her legs around his waist bringing him deeper into her.

He drove into her again and again, harder and faster. Their breathing was becoming ragged as beads of perspiration clung to their bodies. He crashed repeatedly into her and her body shook against him as the wave of ecstasy washed over her. She screamed out as her inner walls rippled around him. Over and over again he thrust deeper and harder into her; a guttural groan tore from his throat as he slipped over the edge in an intense cascade of exquisite pleasure. One final intense thrust inside her….then the sound of wood cracking as the bed collapsed to the floor.

She laughed into his the side of his neck. "We really have to stop breaking the bed, love."

He pulled back and grinned at her, "NEVER!"

She quickly cleaned up and got dressed. She came back over to the bed and kissed him goodbye. She turned to leave, paused and looked over her shoulder, "On the roof of the gallows?"

He grinned at her, "I have a gallow's pole you can swing from."

**xxXxx**

Anders spent the next four days working long hours in the clinic. Rylee had been right, he had neglected his obligations there and as a result he had a lot of sick patients to see. Justice was happy to see him back in the clinic and had reminded unusually quiet. By the end of the fourth day when the group hadn't returned from the coast he refused to allow himself to panic. It was winter, the weather could be very unpredictable this time of year and they were probably just held up by an unexpected storm. By the end of the fifth day when they hadn't returned Anders' imagination was completely out of control. He imagined everything, from her being kidnapped by slavers to giant ogres crushing her, flying dragons feeding her their young.

When Aveline had rushed into his clinic, first he was flooded with relief, but that quickly disappeared with one look at her face.

Anders stood up, grabbed his coat and staff and headed started for the door. "Where is she?"

"She is at the estate," Aveline said.

Anders headed for the cellar entrance. "What happened?"

"Hmm, well she took an arrow to her thigh," Aveline replied uneasily.

"Okay, well that isn't that bad. I'm sure she is in a lot of pain, having to make it back to Kirkwall with that in her leg, but we should be able to fix it quickly," Anders stated.

"Well…Anders…that's the thing…Uh-hmm, before anyone could stop her, Merrill removed the arrow to heal Rylee. As she removed the arrowhead she nicked an artery and her healing skills weren't strong enough to heal her… she couldn't stop the bleeding. Rylee has lost a lot blood. I tied a tourniquet around the leg to slow down the flow of blood… she hasn't been conscious for days. Merrill has continued to try to heal her and I believe it's been these feeble attempts that have kept her alive."

"For days…when the hell did this happen?"

"Two days ago…we were lucky we came across a merchant with a cart and he brought us back to the city."

Fear gripped Anders heart as he flat out raced for down the dark tunnel toward the estate. Please, don't let her be gone. Please, Marker not her.

Anders sprinted up the stairs taking them two at a time; he skidded into their bed room and came to a complete halt. Surrounded by her companions, Rylee's unconscious form rested on top of the blood stained sheets. She looked so pale… almost blue, but he could see the shallow rise and fall of her chest. Thank the Maker, she lived. He could… he would save her as long as there was still breath in her body.

_I should have been there!_

_**Now is not the time to think about that. She needs you. She needs you at your best!**_

Justice was right. Anders blocked everything else out as he gathered his strength and began to focus on the task at hand.

Merrill stepped up to him, "Anders… I'm so sorry. I…"

"Not now, Merrill," Anders said as he made his way over to the bed.

He raised his hands and began to examine her. Aveline was right she had lost a lot of blood, there was barely enough left to flow through her heart to her brain, but he sensed that her brain wave patterns were normal. "I'm going to need lyrium. There is a chest in the library. There are plenty of vials there," Anders ordered and he heard someone hurry off to gather them.

Anders immediately closed off the wound to stem the flow of blood then he repaired the veins and arteries that were damage. It wasn't pretty, but it would do for now. He could come back to it once he healed the rest of her. None of her internal organs were damage, but they needed more blood before they began to shut down in an effort to protect the body's core. He needed to get her blood levels up and flowing properly very quickly. He needed to generate more blood, but the only way to do that and it was through blood magic. Fuck! Let her die or use a form of magic he detested. There really was no choice for him.

He looked over at Aveline and Fenris, "Can you please leave me with her?"

They all nodded and headed for the door. "Merrill, I need you to stay."

They all looked at him questioningly, but Fenris was the first one it registered with, "Blood magic!" He hissed.

"Would you rather she died?"

Fenris said nothing as he spun on his heels and left, Aveline following closely behind.

Anders turned to Merrill. "We need to generate blood in her quickly. She has lost a lot of blood, more than your tiny body holds. I am larger than both of you, so use my blood to save her."

Merrill looked at him shocked. She knew how he felt about blood magic. He had lectured her repeatedly about it. "Anders… Are you sure about this?"

"It's the only way to save her and to ensure that she is returned to us completely healed. My only concern is the taint in my blood," Anders replied.

"The ritual cleanses the blood from impurities as it transfers it, so by the time it enters her body it should be taint free," Merrill explained.

"Should be?"

"It will be. Anders, she is going to need a lot of blood. It requires more blood than what was lost to replace it," Merrill explained.

"I'll be fine. I am twice her size and you won't need it all," Anders said.

She nodded. "Okay, you need to lie down beside her," the elf instructed.

Anders stretched out beside her. Merrill drew out a blade; she took Rylee's hand and slashed a gash in her palm. She did the same to Anders and then bound their hands together. The elf then cut her own hand and began to chant. Anders felt the heat of the blood magic spell wash over him, pulsing and burning through his veins as it forced the blood out through the cut. Anders felt dizzy as the room began to spin; he closed his eyes trying to make it stop. He felt his body grow very weak as his limbs grew cold. He began to shiver just before everything went black.

**A/N – Rylee's comment on fear was inspired by these quotes.**  
><strong>"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. Except a creature be part coward, it is not a compliment to say it is brave."<strong> ** - Mark Twain**  
><strong>"A mind focused on doubt and fear cannot focus on the journey to victory."- Mike Jones<strong>

***Thank you once again to everyone for your reviews and for adding this story to your alert and favs list. I truly appreciate you taking the time to read and review this story. It's wonderful hearing your thoughts and comments.**

*** Last, but never least I would like to thank Beta Goddess Jinxy for her mad crunk beta skills and for her friendship and support. You're the best!**


	9. Chapter 9 Woman

**Chapter 8 - Woman  
><strong>

"Leavin your smell on my coat, leavin your taste on my shoulder.

I still fail to understand what it is about this woman.

If I could bottle up the chills that you give me

I would keep them in a jar next to my bed.

And If I should ever draw a picture of a woman

It is you that would come flowing from my pen

Leavin your clothes on the floor, Making me walk out the door

And I still fail to understand what it is about this woman.

Helplessly melting as I stand next to the sun.

As she burns me, I am screaming out for more

Drink every drop of liquid heat that I've become.

Pop me open, spill me out on to the floor."

_Woman by Maroon 5_

As Anders began to regain consciousness he became aware of movement around him. He tried to open his eyes, but they felt as if they weighed a hundred pounds. A nearby soft voice whispered, "Stop worrying. He's going to be okay, Rylee. His body is just going to need some time to recover. He lost a lot of blood, not nearly as much as you had, but enough to cause damage to his organs. I healed all the damage that the loss of blood caused and now his body is just going to need time to bring his blood levels back to normal."

"I can't thank you enough, Beth…I would have never been able to forgive myself if he had died performing a blood magic ritual while trying to save me," Rylee said gravely.

"Even though he didn't perform the ritual I still would never have believed that Anders would be involved with blood magic, but given the choice of losing you or using magic that he abhors… he chose you. It's a testament to how much he loves you."

"I wish…I wish he would have just let me go," Rylee whispered.

Anders felt his heart pound and his stomach lurch. How could she say that? Didn't she know that life without her would be no life at all? She was everything to him.

"Rylee, how can you say that?"

"I will always be the reason that he betrayed his beliefs and stooped to using magic that he loathes. How can he ever look at me the same? And Justice… he will blame me and Anders' love for me, for using a forbidden form of magic."

_**Well at least she has that part right.**_

_Shut up! It's because I allowed you and her to convince me not to go on this mission that she was so seriously injured. You need to take some responsibility for the situation. Actions have consequences, my friend. If I had been there, the situation would have never reached the point that a decision to use blood magic was needed._

_**And the next time her life hangs in the balance, will you become an abomination to save her?**_

_That's ridiculous, of course not!_

_**I'm not so sure.**_

"Rylee, I've seen the way he looks at you. Anders loves you… he adores you and he did what he had to in order to save you. He didn't cross any lines. He didn't make a deal with a demon and he isn't a blood mage; he just used the resources that were available to him to save you."

"Then why couldn't Merrill break the bond. Why did my body continue to pull his blood out of him?"

_So that is what happened._

"I've read about this in the Circle's library. When two people have a strong spiritual bond… when their souls are intertwined together as yours and Anders are and there is an exchange of blood as with that ritual. The tie that binds those two souls makes the ritual extremely powerful and dangerous because with the exchange of blood they are for all intensive purposes becoming one. If Merrill had known that you and Anders' souls were bonded together, I doubt that she would have agreed to the ritual."

"How do you know our souls are bound to one another?"

"Because if you weren't Merrill could easily have broken the link between yours and Anders hand," Bethany explained.

_Wow, bonded souls… I've heard of them, but never even met anyone that had experienced it._

_**I knew there was a reason you shouldn't become involved with her.**_

"It's very rare, Ry, and it's very beautiful. Anders was made for you and you were made for Anders."

"But Anders was in love before… when we met him he was heartbroken over Lillah."

"Just because two souls are bonded doesn't mean that you can't or won't fall in love with another person. It just means that Anders is your perfect match, that there isn't anyone out there that is more ideal for you than he is. The two of you draw your strength from each and you nourish each other in a way that no other can…." Bethany paused and although Anders couldn't see her face he could tell by her tone that she was embarrassed. "Aaah… and from what I've read when bonded souls come together sexually, that it is powerfully intense, deeply passionate and highly erotic, because that is the most intimate act for any couple. But for a bonded couple it's the one time that you are truly united as one which is why you're hunger for each other is insatiable," Bethany stated.

_Holy shite, that explains so much._

_**THAT's just lovely! Why did we have to meet her? It would have been so much easier if she had never walked into the clinic.**_

"You certainly seem to know a lot about bonded souls," Rylee said and Anders could hear the skepticism in her voice.

"Let's just say I had my reasons to do some research and leave it at that for now, but now that I know about you, I have some more research to do," Bethany replied.

Rylee raised an eyebrow, but Bethany just shook her head. "All in due time, dear sister."

"Well, that certainly explains a lot… S-so am I now tainted?" Rylee said.

"No, Merrill assured me that the blood was cleansed during the ritual. I also asked about blood typing and she said that Anders must have already known from healing you so often that you both were the same blood type. As she started the ritual she realized that and was grateful because changing blood types would have required a lot of time… time you didn't have. I'm just curious how Anders knew about the ritual in the first place."

Rylee smiled. "It's what father always taught us… know thy enemy. Anders has been studying blood magic so that he knows how to counter it. He knew that Merrill knew the ritual because they have had many lengthy philosophical discussions about it."

Bethany giggled. "That's very wise on his part. Look dear sister, Cullen is covering for me so I need to get back to the Gallows before I am missed. Stop pacing around; Anders will be fine. I love you, Sis."

"I love you too, Beth. Thank you again for everything. I owe you," Rylee said.

There was a pause and it sounded as if they were hugging. "You don't owe me anything, sister. It is I that owe you. You did everything in your power to keep me safe and to make a better life for Mother and I, and I treated you horribly."

"I hurt you and you were reacting from that pain. I will forever regret going into the Deep Roads without you," Rylee said.

"It's over and done with, Ry. If I hadn't been sent to the Gallows and I would have never met Cullen."

"That still boggles the mind… a mage and a templar; it's rather poetic in a tragic sort of way. Please be careful, Beth. I know Cullen is a good man. I have sensed that from the very beginning, but he is still a templar and he is sworn to take your life if he feels it's justified."

"He would never harm me, Rylee, unless I became an abomination and then I would want him to end my life. He loves me, so please don't worry about me."

"Well I think I will wait for Anders to make a full recovery before I tell him about the mage, templar love fest," Rylee chuckled.

"Yes, I don't blame you. We wouldn't want to give the old man a heart attack…. I'm really happy for you and Anders. You two are perfect for each other."

"It only took three years for us to get together, but I have never been happier in my life."

"You deserve to be happy. I love you, Ry."

"I love you too. I will come visit you soon," Rylee said.

"You better or else I'll curse you," Bethany replied.

Anders heard footsteps across the floor and then the door open and close. Then he felt the weight change on the bed and he smelled her delicious scent. A cool finger caressed his cheek and he turned his head toward her hand.

"Anders?' She whispered.

He tried to say something, but he was only able to moan. "It's okay love. You don't need to say anything. Just rest and know that I'm here if you need me."

He felt her warm body press against his, he immediately relaxed as peace flooded his body and mind, and he drifted back to sleep. He didn't know how long he had slept, but this time when he tried to open his eyes, he was treated to the bright glare of the sunlight filling the room. He looked around and noticed he was alone. He leaned back into the pillows and drew in a deep breath. He brought his hand up and looked at the palm. It was completely healed… not even a pick mark where the cut had been. Maker, how long had he been unconscious?

He heard light footsteps then he her lovely voice, "Anders…you're awake."

Rylee came over to the bed and crawled up beside him. "Welcome back, Love."

He smiled at her. His voice cracked as he tried to speak for the first time in Marker knew how long. "I-it's good to be back. How long?"

"Five days."

"F-five days!" Anders coughed as he tried to clear his throat.

"Yes, you lost a lot of blood and it has taken your body a while to regenerate it. Bethany said the ritual slowed down the healing process."

"Bethany… she was here? That wasn't a dream?"

"Yes, she was here. You heard her?"

"Yes, but when I drifted back to sleep, I thought it had been part of a dream…. so the whole bonded souls, that's real?"

"Yes that is real too," Rylee said.

Anders ran his hand through his hair in amazement, but at the same time it made perfect sense and with the intensity of his love and lust for this woman it felt right. "Wow…I always knew that we had some type of connect that was different from anything else I had ever experienced, but I never thought it was that," Anders said a bit stunned.

"You've heard of bonded souls?"

"I read about them when I was in the circle, but I always thought it was more legend then something that was real." Anders paused for a moment before he continued, "So, I understand that because of the bond, Merrill had a difficult time breaking apart our bound hands. How did she finally separate us?"

"Aaah, well… we were cut apart," Rylee explained.

"Ouch, glad I was asleep for that," Anders said.

Rylee winced. "Wish I had been."

"You were awake?"

"Yes, I was the one that cut us apart."

"What?" Anders demanded.

"I had just woken up to find my hand tied to yours and was completely horrified to discover that I was completely draining you of all of your blood. Merrill was beside herself with panic as your heart grew weaker and weaker. I demanded that she bring me my dagger…and…and I just sliced down the middle."

Anders pulled her to his chest and kissed her forehead. "I'm so sorry, Ry, that you had to go through that."

"Both of us were still in grave danger so Isabela went to the Gallows and spoke with Cullen, he helped to sneak Bethany out. She has become a very gifted healer. You would be very proud of her. She healed you and then healed both of our hands." She paused for a long moment before she continued, "Why did you do it Anders? Why did you resort to blood magic?"

Anders sighed and leaned back against the pillows. "You would have died without the ritual. Blood magic was the only way to save you, so I really didn't have a choice because living without you was not an option for me. I heard what you said that day about betraying my beliefs and you're wrong. Not using the only means available to me to save you would have been a betrayal to me, because you're a part of me, Ry. I need you to survive. So you see, I did it because in the end I am really just a selfish bastard."

Rylee shifted, slid onto his lap and straddled him. She lovingly ran her fingers through his tangled hair. "Anders, you are the most unselfish man I have ever met…you're kind, gentle and loving. This whole situation is my fault. If I had just listened to you and not Jus… if I had just listened…."

"What the hell were you about to say?" Anders interrupted feeling a surge of anger.

Rylee's eyebrows furrowed. "Aaah, which part?"

"Rylee, you know damn well which part! The bit about if you had listened to me and not…to who? Who shouldn't you have listened to?"

"No, what I was going to say was not try justify my own anxieties about being in a battle with you," Rylee stated as her eyes looked away from him.

Anders slid his finger under her chin and forced her to look at him. "Please Ry, please be honest with me. Did Justice talk to you somehow?"

Her eyes were filling with tears, but she fought them back. "Anders, it doesn't matter…"

"It does matter. I have done everything he has asked me to do. I've done it willingly because we both have the same goals, but the only thing I have asked is for him to stay out of my relationship with you. He should not have spoken to you without my knowledge."

"Anders, he was concerned about your safety. He didn't tell me not to take you, he asked me to observe your behavior during a fight and after watching you place yourself in danger numerous times because you were trying to protect me, I agreed with him. I made the decision not have you accompany me, not Justice. Please don't blame him for this."

Anders looked at her with stunned curiosity. "Why are you defending him? I thought you didn't like him."

"I never said I didn't like him. What I didn't like was him interfering in our relationship and keeping us apart, but when he came to me, it was out of concern. It reminded me of something my father would do."

Anders was silent for a long moment before he spoke. "I need you to promise me two things, Ry."

"Anything, Love."

"First the next time Justice pays you an unexpected visit please let me know." Rylee nodded her consent. "Second, I promise you that I will keep my distance during a battle if you promise to take me with you from now on."

Rylee smiled, "I promise. Besides the terrible inconvenience of being gravely injured, it was extremely lonely without you, but I have found a solution for you regarding your compulsive need to be close to the battle to keep me safe, and my anxiety of worrying about you so close to the battle. "

"Really? How?" Anders asked.

"One of Aveline's guards is a master in staff battle techniques. He has offered to train you to use your staff as a weapon in a non magical way. That way you have an extra skill to help during battle."

"I think that is a brilliant idea, Love," Anders said as he pulled her to his chest and kissed the top of her forehead. He ran his hands up and down her back gently caressing her. The feel of her skin pressed against his immediately began to stir his desire and need for her.

Rylee must have felt it too, she lifted her head and smiled, "Glad to see you're so eager to jump back in the saddle, but the plans that I have for you require strength and stamina so why don't you just rest and relax for a few days till you're up to it."

"Sweetheart, I'm not sure if you have noticed, but I very up for it."

She giggled, but smiled coyly at him. ""If you are patient enough, you can do anything you want with me once you're healed."

Anders crocked an eyebrow and gave her a mischievous grin, "Anything?"

"Anything!"

"Well now, think of all the possibilities."

"So be a good lil' boy , get your rest," Rylee's voice dropped into a low, seductive tone. "And dream up all the delicious things you would like to do…" Rylee slid her hand across her breast, "…touch…" her hand slip between her legs and Anders eyes rolled back. "…And taste."

"Argh," he growled. "It's not nice to tease the inviolate mage. It will only make things harder on you when I'm recovered."

"Hard, huh? Let's just see how much harder a little teasing can make you," she sighed as she swirled her hips against his.

He grabbed her hips and pressed her harder against him. "Wasn't it you that said I needed to recover?"

"I'm just adding some wood to fire to help out your imagination," Rylee purred.

"Now you're just being cruel and you will pay for this," Anders groaned.

"You gotta be cruel to be kind, baby," Rylee said with that roguish grin that drove him crazy.

"Or in this case, cruel to be kinky!"

"Kinky, huh? You are a naughty mage," Rylee coed as she grinded against him.

"A naughty mage that will be having his way with you very soon," he moaned as he pulled her off of his lap and down beside him. He turned to face her, "A naughty mage who if you don't stop doing that thing with your hips is going to say fuck it and take you right here, right now even if it kills him."

She grinned up at him, wrinkled her nose and winked at him, "I love it when you play forceful mage."

He laughed as he shook his head and then buried it in her hair, "You're going to be the death of me woman."

"Never! I'm the one that is here to make your life worth living."

"Maker, you have no idea how true that is, love," he sighed. That little interaction with her was more than his weary body could handle. Exhaustion quickly over took him; he curled up beside her, breathing in her comforting scent and drifted into the Fade.

**xxXxx**

It had actually taken Anders a month to fully recover and gain back his strength. True to her word, Rylee had turned down all missions that would take her out of the city. However, even city missions were proving to be just as dangerous. He had been less than thrilled when she came back to the estate coughing and hacking up poison from her lungs all because some deranged elf wanting to prove a point. His strength had almost completely returned and he quickly healed her then pulled her into his arms and passionately welcomed her home.

That had been two weeks ago, now as they sat around the campfire on their way back from Sundermount after helping Merrill retrieve a dalish tool for carving. Anders wasn't thrilled that Rylee had agreed to give the tool to Merrill; she just didn't see the danger that Merrill was placing herself in. They had argued over it and now she was sitting on the opposite side of the fire chatting with Isabela.

"Oooo, Bells what do we have here?" Rylee cooed as she pulled a book out of Isabela's backpack.

"Oh that's nothing," Isabela said sharply as she tried to snag the book out of Rylee's hand, but she was too quick for her. Rylee jumped to her feet and began to leaf the through the book.

"Oh my," Rylee cooed as she waved the book at Isabela. "My dear pirate wench, I would have never thought you were the type to read cheap trash romance novels," Rylee purred.

Isabela's face turned red, "Well it's the cheap trash part that attracted me, but it really does have a good plotline."

Rylee continued to thumb through the book and then stopped. An impish grin spread across her face, "Ooo, I can see why you bookmarked this page."

Rylee lowered her voice into sultry tone and she emphasized certain words as she read just to drive the point home.

_Tristen spun her around; drew her back into him and dipped her as he pressed harder against her thigh. He brought her back up and his face was inches from hers. Her face was flushed with __**want**__ and __**need**__. He took her hand and led her away from the crowd into the woods nearby. When he was sure they were far enough in that they wouldn't be discovered, he __**pressed **__her against a tree and __**leaned deeply**__ into her_.

Rylee looked up at the group that was captivated by the story, "I would just love doing it up against a tree, I'm sure the bark would feel just wonderful against my ass." The companions all laughed as she continued.

_His lips were inches from hers as he breathlessly whispered_…before Rylee could read the line Isabela stepped up, dropped her voice to make it rough and huskey. _"You haven't answered me yet, Brin."_

Rylee grinned at her, "Have you memorized this section?"

Isabela grinned shamelessly back at her, "It's a smoking hot scene."

"Okay then, you can be this mysterious man, Tristen," Rylee said.

"Well, just so the audience has a visual, Tristen a roguishly handsome fellow with long blond hair and warm honey brown eyes…"

Rylee giggled, "Isabela, if I didn't know any better I would say you have fallen in love with a fictional character."

"If you read this story you would love him too. Anyway, his soon to be lover, Sabrina, looks like…well you she looks like you Ry, except she has dark brown chestnut hair."

"Well obviously the writer has excellent taste in creating characters," Rylee snickered. "So should we continue on with the story?" Everyone eagerly nodded.

_Sabrina looked at him questioningly. He moved his lips to her ear and whispered,_ _"Did you tremble in the arms of those other men?" _Isabela asked in rough voice.

Rylee continued, _He reached up, adjusted the material, exposing her breast and ran his thumb over the nipple._

_"Did your nipples become hard and erect at their touch?" _Isabela gasped.

In a raspy, passionate voice that Anders knew quite well, Rylee read, _He slid his hand down her side, gathering up the skirt of her dress. He pulled her small clothes aside and __**slipped **__his fingers into her __**exquisitely hot, wet center**__. A __**moan**__ tore from her throat._

"I can't imagine that what they are doing is good for that poor tree. You really should have more respect for a tree than to have carnal fornication against it. Trees have feelings too," Merrill stated.

"I wouldn't mind being a tree if I had a gorgeous ass pressed up against me," Anders said with a grin.

Rylee raised an eyebrow, "Oh, I've pressed up against your tree plenty of times."

"Someone obviously doesn't like sharing, too bad," Isabela with a pout.

"Can I now proceed?" Rylee asked and they all nodded.

_"And were you dripping wet with the anticipation of their mouth on your body, the way you are right now?" _Isabela groaned.

_She shook her head no. Tristen heard her breath quicken and her body trembled against his fingers. Maker, he wanted to bury himself in her and get lost forever, but now was not the time._

"Now isn't the time? By a paragon's ass when would be the time?" Varric asked.

"Maybe he wants to polish her up first, Varric. You know, like you polish Bianca," Fenris said sarcastically.

Anders shuttered, "Now there's a scary image."

Rylee resumed reading. _His fingers continued to slide in and out of her as his thumb stroked the swollen nub. She was getting close, but he wanted to time this just right. He slipped his other hand up her back, resting it on the nape of her neck._

_"Do know why that just holding you in my arms right now is sending fire burning through my veins?" _Isabela moaned erotically and Rylee had to bite her lip to keep from laughing so that she could continue.

_He pressed himself into her thigh, trying to relieve some of the pressure just so he could think._

_"And do you know why just the mere thought of you makes me so unbelievably hard?" _Isabela grunted.

_Sabrina slid her hand down and grabbed him through his pants. A __**hungry growl**__ ripped from his throat as she began to stroke him through his trousers._

_"And do you know why for the past two months, every morning I've had to relieve the sexual frustration myself before I can even be around you, just so that I can think straight?"_

"That must have given him an impressively strong ...fighting arm," Fenris grunted.

"Those must have been some impressive fantasies he had while polishing the old iron rod," Varric stated.

"I don't understand why he can't think straight and how can relieve that frustration himself?" Merrill asked.

"Well Daisy, he was walking the one eyed bronto…"

"Taming the dragon," Fenris interjected.

Merrill shook her head still confused.

"The five finger shuffle… pinch the one eyed snake," Anders offered.

"Polish the flaming sword... beat around the bush," Rylee said.

"Kitten, he used his hand to…" Isabela said as she made an obscene that was universally understood for masturbating.

Merrill's eyes widened, "Oooh."

Rylee waved the book and asked, "Would you like me to continue or should we continue to dream up phrases for getting ones self off?"

"I don't know, both have very tantalizing possibilities," Anders smirked.

"Finish the story. I want to know what happens," Merrill said.

"Your wish is my command," Rylee said as she started to read again.

_She started to reach inside his trousers, but he grabbed her hand and stopped her._

Isabela grabbed Rylee, took her into her arms and pretending to be Tristen as she groaned, _"It's not because of lust, although Maker knows I want you more than anything I've ever wanted anything my entire life."_

Still in Isabela's arms, Rylee held the book up and read. _He paused and slid his hand around from her neck, cupped her hand and forced her to look at him. _Isabela did what Rylee had read and the whole scene was quite comical if it wasn't for the fact that Isabela was Rylee's ex-lover. Anders ground his teeth together.

_"It's because I love you, Brin. I am so head over heels in love with you I can't think straight, I can't sleep and I haven't eaten a decent meal since we arrived here, even though Nan is a fantastic cook. And I know deep down, even though you are afraid to admit it, you love me too."_

Before Anders could even stop himself a guttural growl tore from his throat. Both Rylee and Isabela turned to look at him.

"Don't worry sweet cheeks, I'm not trying to steal your woman," Isabela cooed.

"As if you could," Anders retorted.

"I already have," Isabela countered.

"I know for a fact that I can dance the horizontal Remigold better that you can, my dear Isabela. If you recall, I've seen your tricks before and you don't even come close," Anders sneered.

Rylee pulled out of Isabela's embrace and feigned a laugh. "Well, I think that's enough excitement for one night."

"Aaah, but I want to know if Tristen and Sabrina ever got to beating each other's bushes," Merrill said innocently. Everyone burst out laughing and it was enough to break the tension.

"I'll let you borrow the book, Kitten."

Rylee sat down beside Anders, "Not before we do." He turned and grinned at Rylee as he whispered, "I wouldn't mind my own personal reenactment."

Rylee looked around at the woods that surrounded them. "Wherever will we find a tree?" She said dryly.

**A/N - ****I truly appreciate everyone who is following this story and has taken the time to review it. It's wonderful hearing your thoughts and comments. Also thank you to everyone that has added this story to your favs and alert lists. I'm glad you are enjoying the story.**  
>*<strong>*Special thanks to the Beta Wizard Jinxy for working her beta magic on this chapter. You're a rock star! I appreciate all that you do for me. Thanks.<strong>


	10. Chapter 10 Angels

**Chapter 9**

"When I'm feeling weak and my pain walks down a one way street

I look above and I know I'll always be blessed with love

And as the feeling grows, she breathes flesh to my bones

And when love is dead, I'm loving angels instead

And through it all she offers me protection, a lot of love and affection

Whether I'm right or wrong and down the waterfall

Wherever it may take me, I know that life won't break me

When I come to call, she won't forsake me, I'm loving angels instead"

_Angels by David Archuleta_

"Nooooo, Mother, NO!" Anders stood horrified as he watched Rylee wail in agony as she rocked the corpse of her mother. He had tried to comfort her, but she had just pushed him away as she clung even tighter to her mother, begging her not to leave her.

"P-please… please don't leave m-me, m-mother… I'm s-s-sorry…" Her pleading went on and on until Anders' heart broke as her own anguish filled him, tearing at his insides as her grief tortured him with the knowledge that there was nothing he could do to relieve her pain, to ease her suffering. Time would have to be her healer now. He fell to his knees beside her and pulled her into his arms. She fought him as she hit and punched at him, trying to push him away. He refused to let her go and finally out sheer exhaustion, she fell lifelessly in his arms as the emotional fatigue washed over her. He scooped her into his arms; her head nestled against his neck as he got up to take her home.

He looked over his shoulder at Varric and Isabela. "We will take of everything and make sure that her remains are taken care of. You take care of our girl," Isabela stated solemnly.

Anders was still holding her as he carried her through the front door, Gamlen was there waiting for her, but Anders knew she was in no condition to face her bitter Uncle.

"What happened? Where is Leandra?" Gamlen demanded.

"Let me make Rylee comfortable first, then I will come back down to explain everything," Anders said.

"Explain! Explain what?" the old man exclaimed.

Anders felt his anger begin to rise at Gamlen's insensitivity. If he was carrying Rylee inside, obviously something had gone seriously wrong. "I said I would explain…"

"It's okay Anders," Rylee said softly.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, Gamlen needs to know," Rylee said in a monotone voice. Anders nodded as he set her down. Rylee eased herself down into a chair and explained to her uncle what had happened.

"So _you're_ to blame! If you'd been quicker or stronger, you could've saved her… she would be alive…"

Rage coursed through Anders' veins and he struggled to control himself, "How _dare _you walk into her home and make those accusations? Rylee did everything she possible could to save her mother. Are you so unfeeling that you can't see she is torn up with grief? She is not the one that should be blamed. If you need someone to blame, then blame the bastard that took her. But I warn you, if you ever speak to Rylee in such a cruel manor again, so help me Maker, I won't be responsible for my actions."

Gamlen glared at Anders for a long moment then excused himself, mumbling something about letting Bethany know what had happened.

Anders once again scooped Rylee into his arms; he carried her up to their room and gently sat her down on the bed. He tenderly removed her boots and armor. A wash basin was beside the bed, and he washed her up as best as he could, then slid a night shirt on over her head. The entire time he cleaned her up she had remained silent, her eyes had taken on a distant, vacant stare. He knew she was in shock and that her mind was shutting down as it tried to protect itself, but that knowledge didn't make watching her like this any easier. He reminded himself that she was strong, that she would bend, but not break. He couldn't let her break… he wouldn't let her break. He would find a way to help her through this, to help her heal, to help her move on.

He eased her back on the bed, removed his boots and coat then crawled up beside her and pulled her to his chest. He didn't know how long he held her before he felt the first few wet drops hit his shirt and soak through to his chest. He held her tightly as her shoulders shook against his embrace from the silent sobs that raked her body. She wordlessly wept for hours as he cradled her against him, allowing her to grieve in her own way while offering her unspoken comfort as he lovingly and tenderly rocked and caressed her. Eventually she fell into a restless sleep and as the nightmares tormented her, he whispered words of love and comfort to her until the nightmares subsided and dreamless sleep claimed her.

He had barely slept as he sun began to drift through the window, instantly waking him. He knew today would be just as difficult for her. The arrangements for her mother's burial would need to be made and the condolences would begin to arrive. He knew her well enough to know that the emotionally devastated woman that her companions had seen yesterday would be locked up tight. That she would once again be the controlled Rylee that they knew and expected, but she would be breaking on the inside and he would be her safe harbor when the grief became too much and she could no longer put on the strong persona for everyone. He would be her strength when she doubted her ability to stand on her own. He loved her with every breath in his body and somehow he would help her get through this.

Her soft voice startled him out of his thoughts. "I've failed. I've failed to protect her… I've failed all of them."

Anders slid his fingers under her chin and forced her to look at him. "Love, this isn't your fault. You didn't fail your mother, you didn't fail your father, and you didn't fail Carver or Bethany. There is nothing you could have done differently that would have changed those outcomes. It's normal to feel guilty over this, but Rylee, this isn't your fault and you can't let it eat away at you. It will drive you insane if you do."

She was quiet for a very long time and in almost a hushed whisper she said, "I-I'm afraid, Anders."

"What are you afraid of, Ry?"

She fell silent once more; he heard her voice crack as she tried to reign in her emotions. "What if I fail you? W-what if I fail to save you?"

Anders' heart stopped in his chest. He was at a loss for words. He didn't know if he could be saved or if she should even try. He pulled her even closer to him and kissed her forehead. "Life is a complicated thing, Love. You can't predict what will happen in the future, and sometimes, nothing you do can change how it will turn out. But always know that whatever happens, you will never fail in my eyes. I know that you would do everything in your power to keep me safe as I would you."

Again she didn't say anything for a few lingering moments. In a soft whisper she said, "Thank you, Anders."

"My Love, there isn't any place in the entire world I would have rather been last night then here with you. If I could heal your broken heart I would do it instantly. I know I didn't do much, but I'm glad…"

"You saved me last night. I don't know what I would have done if you weren't here," she said very matter-of-factly.

"I'm here for you, Rylee. When you feel yourself going under, grab onto me. I'll keep you a float. I promise," Anders vowed.

Over the next several days, Anders watched in awe as Rylee drew from her inner strength to get through the whole ordeal. Countless nobles dropping by to offer their condolences and with each visit, Rylee had to recount the whole bloody nightmare. After hearing her recite the story over a dozen times, Rylee had it memorized like a script from a play. In an emotionally detached way, she would narrate the tale for her curious visitors, she paused at all the right spots for dramatic effect, nodded at their shock and horror, and thanked them when they offered her their sympathies. Fucking noble vultures, who believed because they stopped by with a casserole and flowers, they deserved the same lively account as their neighbors.

_**Why does she do it?**_

_Anders shook his in disgust. She does it for me. _

_**That's absurd. Rylee knows you could care less about the nobles.**_

_Rylee knows the nobles have influence. Political power can keep the templars away. _

Even in her grief she was using her powers of persuasion to protect him and the very thought of it made the bile rise up in his throat. He knew this was because of her guilt over feeling as if she failed her family and fear of failing him. His own guilt began to eat at him, knowing that one day she would more than likely fail in her attempt to save him, and he knew that would destroy her, but he was powerless to stop it.

_**Now do you understand why I warned you to stay away from her.**_

_Yes, but I can't change the past and I can't move forward without her. I'm caught in this paradox with no solution._

_**There is a solution. Leave her now before you destroy her.**_

_Why don't ask me to cut off my own arm? Because that, I would be able to do much easier then walking away from her. Living without her isn't an option. I would have thought you figured that out by now._

_**A spirit can always hope that you will find reason.**_

Anders had never been more in love with her then when he had watched her gather her strength one last time as she made her way up to dais to give her mother's eulogy. Anders had watched the strain of the past few days begin to take its toll on her. She wasn't eating, she wasn't sleeping which was making her very irritable. He had begged her not to give her mother's eulogy, but she had insisted that the only one that would be able to honor Leandra the way she deserved was her. So it was with awe and admiration that he watched her compose herself at the podium before she began. Anders was grateful that Cullen had managed to get Bethany out of the gallows so she could be here today. Her sister's very presence lifted a huge weight off of Rylee, and her countenance immediately changed when she saw Bethany. He saw Bethany give Rylee a smile of encouragement.

Rylee smiled at her sister then looked at the crowd as she began.   
><em>My mother was one of the most amazing people I have ever met and will probably ever meet. She spent her life caring for others, she never put her needs before the needs of those she loved and cared for. From the crowd that has gathered here today, it is obvious that my mother touched the lives of many and had a profound effect on those who knew her. She wore many different hats and was many different things to different people.<em>

_To some of you gathered here, she was your friend and from what many of you have told me, she was the type of friend that stood by you through thick and thin. She brought you soup when you were sick, flowers when you were healthy and shared many glasses for wine while uncensored stories of your lives were told. I too have friends that I am thick as thieves with._

Rylee paused to smile at her companions that joined her to offer her their support.

_Their friendship gives me support, strength and constant entertainment. Without them there would be a vast emptiness in my life. So I can only imagine the hole my mother's death has left in lives of her friends that truly knew her and loved her._

_My mother was also a sister and although my mother and her brother didn't always see eye to eye, she loved him deeply and she never stopped trying to take care of him. Even though my mother was the baby of the family she was a natural born leader. I've heard many tales of mom leading Gamlen down the garden path and getting the two of them into all sorts of trouble._

"Maker, that's the truth, but those were the best years of my l-life," Gamlen said as he began to sob once again. Rylee smiled lovingly at her Uncle. His cruel words forgotten as mourning brought them together.

_Even though my father has been gone for many years, there was a time that my mother was a wife. It was this role that would define her life and role that she cherished above all else. The love that I saw between the two of them was inspirational. It was the type of love that everyone dreams of one day having, but very few actually experience it. It was their example of what love should be that never allowed me to settle or compromise until I found my perfect match._

Rylee looked at Anders. He winked at her and mouthed, "I love you." She smiled back at him as she bit her lower lip that was now trembling. He had heard her practice her remarks and knew what she was about to say. Each time she practiced her eulogy, she never made it through this part without breaking down. _Maker, please give her strength._

_It was her role as a wife that brought her to the role that I knew her as… she was m-my mother, she was my f-friend, she was the shining example of everything I have strived to be. As a parent and as a friend, my mother had an extraordinary ability to make each of her children feel strong and more importantly confident in our own individual identities. She instilled in us, our own sense of independence and mental toughness which speaking for myself, has been an asset in so many ways in my life. Her legacy will live on in Bethany and I, and I hope that we will continue to make her proud. She will forever be in our memories and in our hearts and I will always be extremely proud to call myself the daughter of Leandra Amell Hawke._

Rylee made her way over to him and took her seat. Anders grasped her, kissed her cheek and whispered, "That was beautiful. Your mother would be proud."

"Thank you," she whispered back.

The service concluded fairly quickly and for the next several hours, food and drinks were served as the Ferelden tradition of celebrating the life of the deceased began with many toasts given and many exaggerated stories being told. Of course the most colorful stories were the ones that Varric told, and even though he hardly even knew Leandra, he had managed to definitely make her life seem a lot more adventurous than it was, which somehow seemed to sooth and comfort both Rylee and Bethany.

When they had said goodbye to the last guest, Rylee and Anders silently made their way up to up their bedroom and quietly undressed. They crawled into bed together and he pulled her to his chest.

"Love, I don't know how you found the strength to get through these past few days, but I want you to know how much I admire the grace and poise in which you handled this whole ordeal."

"It's because I drew my strength from you. I knew that I could come back here and just be myself with you. That knowledge alone, helped me get through this," Rylee stated.

They were quiet again for a long time then Rylee lifted her head and looked at him. "Anders, do you remember your mother?"

Anders' breath hitched in his chest. He didn't like to think about his parents because the memories were too painful, and he had never talked about his time with them, not even to Lillah. However, he knew that Rylee needed to talk. "Yes, I remember her."

"Please tell me about her."

Anders drew in a deep breath. "My mother was young. She could have been no more than sixteen when she had me. She was beautiful… but I'm sure every son thinks their mother is beautiful. She had light blond hair that was long and wavy and she had eyes as green as the grass."

"So I take it that those gorgeous, heart melting, honey brown eyes of yours comes from your father," Rylee interjected.

"Heart melting, huh?"

"You melt my heart every time you look at me," Rylee stated.

Anders laughed. "Good to know. I'm going to have to use that to my advantage more often."

"Oh you don't need to worry about that. You get away with a lot more than you should because of those eyes of yours."

"Wow, I didn't ever realize that. Imagine what I could do if I really tried."

"I dare you and I'll just use that pout of mine that seems to make you putty in my hands," she cooed.

"You wouldn't!"

She gave him that taunting little pout of hers and it took every ounce of self control not to grab her, roll her over and take her right there, but that feeling quickly evaporated as she continued her line of questioning. "So do you remember anything else about your mother?"

Anders thought about it before he replied, "I remember that she made the most delicious Anderfels Chocolate cake. I've never tasted anything like it since. Nothing has come close to that melt in your mouth cake. I also remember as a child, whenever I would have a nightmare she'd me back to sleep and sing to me."

"Do you remember what she sang to you?"

He nodded. "Yes, I will remember her voice until the day I die," Anders replied wistfully.

"Can you sing it for me?"

Anders chuckled. "I don't sing nearly as well as you."

"That's okay, I just want to hear you sing."

"Well don't blame me if your ears bleed."

Rylee laughed, "I won't."

Anders drew in a deep breath and began to sing a song he hadn't heard in at least twenty years.

"Golden slumber kiss your eyes, smiles await you when you rise.  
>Sleep pretty baby, do not cry, and I'll sing you a lullaby.<p>

Care you know not, therefore sleep, while I o'er you watch do keep.  
>Sleep pretty darling, do not cry, and I will sing a lullaby."<p>

"Anders, that's beautiful and you have lovely voice. I want you to teach it to me."

Anders grinned at her. "Why?"

Rylee hesitated briefly, "Because one day, I want to sing it to our children."

Anders breath caught in his throat. He had always wanted kids, but becoming a Grey Warden had put a large question mark in front of that dream, and now with Justice driving him to end the plight of the mages, he didn't think that dream would ever be realized.

"You want to have c-children?" Anders asked as his voice faltered.

"I want to have your children, Anders."

His heart was pounding in his chest. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. As a mage, then as a Warden he had long ago stopped dreaming of holding his own child but maybe…

_**There are more important things for you to accomplish than siring a child. The things that we will achieve together will allow future generation of mages to be born and never be torn from their mothers as you were.**_

_And what if I want to have a child of my own? What if I want to produce life inside of the woman I love, watch that life grow and watch the child be born?_

_**Those are selfish desires that you must set aside for the greater good.**_

"Ry, there is nothing I want more than to make you my wife and conceive a child with you, but there are Grey Warden secrets…"

"I know about the taint, Anders. I know that it will be difficult for you to conceive a child, and I know that I only have about twenty more years left with you. But I want to make those the happiest, fullest years of my life and if it takes ten years to have your child… then think of all the fun we will have trying to create a life."

Anders had no idea how she knew those things, but that was the furthest thing from his mind, as his groin immediately began to harden at the thought all the fun they would have just trying to have a child. He pulled her on top of him, threaded his fingers through her hair, and pulled her close to his mouth. "I love you, Ry."

"I love you too, Anders," she moaned before he captured her lips and started the first attempt to create a life within her.

**A/N – I know this chapter is shorter than most of my chapters, but with the deep emotions that this chapter dealt with it didn't feel right to add anything else on.**

***Thanks again to all of my loyal readers and to everyone that has added this story to their favs and alert lists. I appreciate it. I'm also grateful to everyone that has shared their thoughts and opinions with me. I love hearing how you felt about a chapter. **

***Thanks to my fanfreckintastic beta and friend for your help and support with this chapter. I was a hard one to write and I appreciate your encouragement. You're a great friend. Thanks!**


	11. Chapter 11 You Leave Me Breathless

**Chapter 10 - You Leave Me Breathless  
><strong>

"You leave me breathless, you're everything good in my life

You leave me breathless, I still can't believe that you're mine

You just walked out of one of my dreams, so beautiful you're leaving me

You must have been sent from heaven to earth to change me, you're like an angel

The thing that I feel is stronger than love believe me, you're something special

I only hope that I'll one day deserve what you've given me

But all I can do is try, every day of my life."

_You Leave Me Breathless by Shayne Ward_

It had been several months since Leandra death and Rylee was slowly starting to emerge from the cloud of grief that had hung over her and he hoped his plans for the evening also helped with the healing process. Anders looked around the bedchamber and smiled. It was perfect. He had filled the room with hundreds of candles, rose petals were scattered on the bed, a gourmet spread of raw oysters, figs drizzled with honey and almonds, grilled asparagus glazed with oil and basil and of course strawberries dipped in dark chocolate. That should cover taste.

To take care of touch and smell, he had a large tub brought in. He had it filled with hot water, lavender oil and vanilla bubbles.

For the sense of sight, he purchased an outfit that she had wanted to buy for him, but he had always made excuses on why they didn't have time to stop to be measured for it. He looked at his new noble attire and was very pleased with the results. He wore chocolate-brown velvet pants with knee high brown boots, an ivory linen shirt that hung open to the middle of his chest. Overtop of the shirt he wore a chocolate and gold brocade long vest. He knew he looked good and he knew it would take all of Rylee's strength not rip it off of him the moment that she walked in.

That only left sound and the musicians were setting up in the library. They would move into the formal living room once she made her way up to their bedchamber. The servants had very specific instructions to disappear when the musicians stopped playing for the evening.  
>Justice wasn't happy about the plans for this evening, but Anders had convinced him it would be the ultimate show of her commitment to them and the mages plight, so Justice receded to the far reaches of his mind to allow him as much privacy as possible with Rylee.<p>

Anders heard the front door open and Bodhan greet his mistress. "Ser Anders is waiting for you in your bedchamber."

"Oh, thank you," Rylee said and then he heard her soft footsteps on the stairs.

When she entered the room she stopped dead in her tracks as her jaw dropped open. "Wow… what is all of this for?"

He grinned at her, "You're not the only one that is good at the five senses seduction."

Before she could respond, the quartet began to play. She smiled and giggled, "I see that, but you know I'm kind of a sure thing." Anders raised an eyebrow and she grinned at him. "Well at least for you that is."

Anders walked over to her and pulled her into his arms, "I know and that is just one of the things that I love about you, but you deserve to be pampered and spoiled too. I just wish I could do this more often for you."

He bent forward, claimed her lips with the full force of his desire, need and love for her. His mouth molded to hers as he stroked her tongue with his, letting the taste of her fill his senses. Tongues danced, coaxed, seduced as they savored the magical moment. When they parted, they were both breathless and panting.

Rylee ran her hand down Anders chest and smiled. "You're wearing the outfit I wanted to get you."

Anders stepped back and turned around for her to admire. She let out a low whistle. "My, my, don't you look appetizing; how will I ever keep you in them long enough for me to truly admire you in them?"

"Control yourself, woman! I have plans for a very long and elaborate evening," Anders said.

Rylee smirked at him, "Oh really? Do tell."

Anders stepped closer to her and began to undo the buckles on her armor. "Well, first I do believe after a long hard day you deserve a nice long soak in a hot bath while a handsome mage waits on you."

"Just don't break my heart by telling me you aren't on the menu," Rylee cooed.

"Oh, I am most certainly on the menu, but that is for later, my Love. First I must attend to your every whim and desire."

"And if you are my whim and desire?"

Anders couldn't resist her, couldn't deny her anything. "Well, then I am yours to take and do what you please with."

Rylee looked around the room, surveying all the hard work that he had gone to. "I can't let all of your efforts go to waste. We will follow your agenda, but can I sample you once again before we get to your other delicious plans?"

"Sweetheart, I am yours for the sampling, anytime you want me," Anders moaned as he pulled her to him; her lips pressed against his – wanting, urgent, hungry. Anders drew her tight to him; she parted her lips giving him access as he tasted her deeply. Maker, every time he kissed her it was like kissing her for the first time. She tasted so fucking sweet, like honey and chocolate. She gave a little whimper as she melded against him in a way that was utterly feminine and completely Rylee. Every inch of her body molded to his, fitting perfectly. He reined himself in… he had plans for this evening, but if they continued down this path it wouldn't be long before he threw her up against the wall and had his way with her.

Anders pulled back and she looked at him with that pouty mouth that she knew always drove him over the edge. "Now stop that. You asked for a sample and I gave you your heart's desire. Now, let me fill mine by spoiling you tonight."

She grinned at him. "Wow, I'm impressed with your will power. By all means, good Ser, spoil away."

Anders quickly undressed her, trying not to let her luscious body distract him for too long. Then he led her over to the tub and helped her in. She let out a loud satisfying groan as she slipped into the water and Anders had to adjust himself, so that his pants didn't become uncomfortable from his growing hard-on.

Anders handed her a glass of wine, grabbed a sponge and came up behind her. He dipped the sponge into the water and then gently began to wash her neck and shoulders, but when he reached her breasts he had to pretend he was washing two very round yet supple bowls in order to stay in control. He moved to her side and gently washed her stomach, her legs, her feet and finally his hand came to rest between her legs. Instinctively her hips rose to meet his hand as his fingers slipped through her curls, he lovingly and tenderly rubbed the swollen nub. She parted her legs so that he could slide deep into her hot center. She moaned his name as his hand stroked and caressed her.

His groin was now throbbing uncontrollably, begging to be inside of her, but he ignored its plea as he continued thrust his fingers in and out of her while his other hand rubbed and pinched her peaked nipples. Rylee gripped the side of the tub and trembled as her orgasm rolled over her in wave after wave. Maker, she was so beautiful like this, lost in the heat of passion, giving him her all. His heart ached with love for her.

Once she had regained control again, Anders helped her out of the tub and quickly dried her off, then slipped a red satin robe over her shoulders and tied the front.

She looked at him and grinned, "What I don't get to wear, a fancy dress?"

Anders laughed, "Not tonight. It would be a waste; I don't plan on having you clothed for that long."

She smiled that roguish grin of hers. "I like the way you think."

"A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste."

She laughed, "Yes it is!"

He led her over to the table and pulled out a chair for her. He sat across from her, picked up an oyster, she reached for it, but he shook his head. "Let me feed you."

"Only if I get to feed you too."

Anders grinned and nodded as he held the oyster shell up to her mouth, she opened her full red lips as he tilted the shell and the oyster slid in. She swallowed, licked her lips then grabbed a shell and offered it to him. Over the next few hours they fed each other a variety of food, consumed several different types of wine and danced in each other's arms. It was the best night of his life.

After a long and very heated dance they returned to their seats, Anders clasped her hands in his. "Ry, I had once told you that in the Circle, love was just game, that we never tried to take it too seriously because if the templars found out it would give them something to hold over us. For the most part, all of the mages lived by this unspoken code… except for a few brave souls that risked falling in love and knew they had met the person that they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with. Those mages would secretly hold a commitment ceremony and pledge their lives to each other."

Anders paused as he fell on his knees in front of Rylee, "Love, one day when all mages are free to live their lives and marry, I want to make you my wife, but until that day I want the two of us to have a ceremony in front of our family and friends pledging our love and our lives to one another. Rylee Hawke, are you willing to stand beside me and bind yourself to me?"

Tears flowed down Rylee's cheeks as she sank to her knees in front of him, "Love, don't you know that I'm already bond to you? I love you, Anders. Our souls are linked together and even though in the eyes of the Chantry we aren't married, in my heart you are my husband."

Anders claimed her mouth passionately, penetrating deeply, taking her tongue and sucking it into his mouth. She moaned against his lips as she kissed him back, meeting each stroke of his tongue with her own, her fingers curled into his hair as she pressed against him, conveying her primal need and desire for him. Anders slid his hand into her hair and angled her head so that he could go even deeper as her hands ran down his shoulders pulling the long vest off and tugging open the laces of his tunic. Never breaking contact with her mouth, he shrugged out of the shirt and pulled her back against him. Maker, her sweet mouth drove him to the very brink of losing control as she completely intoxicated him, but leaving him with the insane need to drink in more of her.

She arched into him, pressing against him. So soft, so beautiful, her body molded to his as if the Maker had created her just for him. His hands slid down her back and cupped her supple bottom. His fingers teased her, massaged her as he held her close to him, pressing his aching need into her as her breasts pressed against his chest, teasing him as her hard nipples pressed against his bare chest.

He needed more of her, he needed all of her. He leaned her back, guiding her to the floor, wedged his knee between her thighs, pushing them apart and settling his weight there. His lips left hers, kissing a path over her soft, velvety skin, tasting her, nibbling at her, invoking a whimper of pleasure from her. Slowly he moved against her, trying to take the edge of the ache, only to find the heat of her hot core was making it worse.

Anders pulled at the sash of her robe and looked down at her taut dark nipples that were begging for his mouth. He kissed his way down her neck slowly, tasting and inhaling every part of her. He kissed and caressed the flesh of her breast, and he smiled as her breath hitched in anticipation of his mouth closing around her nipple, but he continued to tease and lavish attention on the full swells. She groaned in frustration and he had to chuckle. "You're evil," she groaned.

To accommodate her wish, he dragged his tongue across her hard nipple, she moaned as her back ached into him. Then traced the damp circle around the nub before he returned to it and closed his lips over the taut bud, sucking it in and keeping it between his teeth. He swirled his tongue around the taut point, laving and suckling it as she writhed beneath him. He kissed a path to her other breast and lavished the same amount of attention on it. Her hips pressed against him as her need continued to grow.

"Anders, please…" she panted as she pressed her hips against his groin.

"Please… please touch me… I need to feel you between my legs."

Anders was happy to oblige as he slowly traced a path with his tongue down her toned stomach. He kissed her on the inside of her thighs, and he kissed his way down her leg he pulled her small clothes with him. He kissed his way back up to her core, her legs shook involuntarily against him as her eagerness continued to grow. When he reached her apex, her scent flooded his senses; it was enough to drive him insane and make him mad with hunger to taste her.

Spreading her legs wider to give him full access, he dipped his head and slid his tongue through her curls. Starting at the base of her sex, he ran his tongue up to the bundle of nerves that was begging for attention. Rylee cried out as her hips arched up to meet his mouth.

He moaned as her sweet taste ran over his tongue, enthralling him and making his groin grow even more painful. Anders wrapped his arms around her thighs to hold her in place as he dipped his tongue deep into her hot core and swirled it.

Rylee cried out and tried to buck, but his hands held her firmly in place. She gripped his hair and pulled. Anders licked at her swollen nub then pulled it into his mouth before his tongue dipped back into her slick channel and his thumb began to caress and rub the tight pearl.

Rylee's body began to tremble against him, she cried out his name as she reached her climax and ecstasy coursed through her body. Anders continued to manipulate her body, drawing out her pleasure and drinking in all that she had to offer. When she finally fell back to floor completely sated, he pulled off his trousers then crawled up her body, stopping only to place teasing kisses on her quivering belly and luscious breasts.

Rylee wrapped her legs around his waist as she whimpered. "Please Anders… need to feel you in me."

She reached up, pulled his head to hers to kiss him passionately, tasting herself on his lips as she rocked her hips up to meet him. He surged forward as he buried himself deep inside her. A guttural groan tore from his throat as her tight heat enveloped him. Maker he could have cum right then if he started to move. He waited to gain control of himself. To distract himself, he looked under the bed and began to count the dust bunnies. He had reached seven when he felt Rylee grab a hold of his ass to encourage him to begin moving.

Kissing her lips, Anders began to move inside her. "You're mine."

She smiled up at him, "I'm yours, always."

Anders heart melted at the woman that someday would be his wife, who had agreed to commit herself to him.

She kissed him deeply allowing her emotions to run through her and enrapture him. She pulled away, licked and nipped at his neck. His thrusts increased as he moaned loudly. Anders reached between them and caressed at the bundle of nerves. She cried out as her nails dug into his back, her walls contracted around him sending him over the edge with her. With a few more final thrusts, Anders collapsed on top of her, panting heavily. He rolled over and pulled her against his chest. She lovingly kissed and licked at his nipple sending aftershocks through his body. "I do believe love that the mattress is a lot more comfortable than the floor."

"I don't think I can move just yet," he moaned.

She giggled as she pulled the blanket that he had set out on the back of her chair over them. "Well, the floor it is then," she cooed as she curled up against him, entangled her legs in his as the two of them drifted off to sleep.

The following afternoon their friends gathered in the living to witness Anders and Rylee exchange their vows of commitment to each other as Merrill led the ceremony. They gave each other commitment rings that Anders had made for them. The rings had the traditional mage commitment symbol of three triangles held together by a circle. After the ceremony, the friends feasted and drank into the early hours of the morning. When the last guest had left, Anders swept Rylee into his arms, carried her upstairs and made love to the woman that he had vowed to love, cherish and remain faithful to for the rest of his life.

**xxXxx**  
>Anders, Rylee, Aveline and Fenris raced through the streets toward the Viscount's Palace. Anders was still in shock with how rapidly the situation with the Arishok had deteriorated. Now they were fighting the qunari at every turn as they raced to save the Viscount and stop the invasion. They had just taken care of a group of qunari when a huge mabari bounded toward him, knocking him to the ground, Rylee raised her dagger, but as the mabari began to lick his face she lowered her daggers.<p>

"Friend of yours?" she asked. Anders nodded and laughed as the dog licked him on the mouth. Rylee cocked an eyebrow.

"Kismet!" A familiar voice called from behind them and Anders blood ran cold as the strawberry blond mage rounded the corner. Anders managed to get the hound off of him and then struggled to his feet.

Lillah skidded to a stop and looked as if she was staring at a ghost. "Anders," she whispered.

"Hi Lillah," Anders said.

Before he could even react, Lillah throw herself into his arms, embraced him then kissed him. Anders gently pushed her back and looked over her shoulder at Rylee whose eyes were shining with increased fury. Kismet was now circling and licking his leg as if she were looking to mark her territory.

Rylee's brows furrowed as she hissed, "For claiming to be a cat person, you definitely have a lot of dogs humping your leg."

Lillah spun around and for the first time noticed her cousin. She smiled, but the grin faltered when she saw the heated glare in Rylee's eyes. Lillah looked at Anders as he looked helplessly at Rylee. His love for her must have shown because Lillah immediately reigned in her emotions. Her face become hard as stone as she stepped away from him.

"The question is, Cousin, whose leg has Anders been humping," Lillah said dryly.

"Well, _Cousin_, if he's humping anything it certainly isn't my leg," Rylee stated matter-of-factly.

"I'm surprised the man can hump at all considering he's supposed to be dead," Lillah retorted.

"Yeah, about that, Lil..."

Lillah waved her hand at him impatiently. "Not now, Anders I don't have time and I have bigger issues to deal with, but I will be contacting you for an explanation," Lillah snapped.

"Bigger than a country being invaded; what could possibly be bigger than that? We could really use your help, Lillah," Rylee replied angrily.

"Yes Rylee, even bigger than that. Grey Wardens don't concern themselves with a country's politics, but once outside of Kirkwall, I will let others know what is happening here so that they can send aid. Now I really need to go."

Lillah looked at Rylee and an unspoken understanding passed between them. "Give them hell, Cuz."

Rylee smiled at her, "I always do."

Lillah turned to leave, but paused then she turned to face Anders, "It's good to see you alive and well."

Anders smiled meekly at her, "Thank you. It's good to see you too."

Anders and Rylee watched her run off to join the other Wardens. "Well becoming the Hero of Ferelden has definitely given her some claws," Rylee observed.

"No, being Alistair's mistress did that," Anders said bitterly.

Sadness flickered across Rylee's face and Anders grasped her hand. "I'm not angry because she is with him anymore, Ry. I have no desire to be with her. You're the only one I love. I'm angry because being his mistress changed her from the sweet, caring girl that I once knew, to a hardened, calculating woman."

Rylee squeezed his hand. "The sweet, caring girl is still there. It showed on her face when she realized it was you and you were alive. For her own protection she keeps that part of her buried deep inside."

"Wise and beautiful," Anders said as his lips brushed against hers before they headed toward Hightown. As they entered the market area Knight-Commander Meredith and Knight Captain Cullen aided in the heated skirmish with at least a dozen qunari. When the fight was over they agreed it was in the best interest of everyone to fight this battle together. They agreed to meet at the palace stairs. It was there that met Orsino and Bethany; relief flooded Rylee's face when she saw that her sister was okay. They battled their way together to the Viscount's Palace and Orsino had provided the distraction that was needed for them to slip by the qunari guards undetected.

Anders stood in shocked silence as Rylee declared that the Arishok would have to go through her in order to take Isabela. The pirate's reappearance had astounded the entire room, but it hadn't really stunned Anders. He knew Isabela would never admit it, but she truly loved Rylee, and had probably been beating herself up ever since she deserted her. He was just glad that she made it back in time to save her friend. However, that relief was short lived when the Arishok challenged Rylee to single combat for the right to keep Isabela. The pirate let out a wail of protest, but the Qunari leader quickly dismissed her as unworthy; only Rylee was respectable enough to take on the Arishok.

So now Anders watched in horror as Rylee battled the Arishok. His breath was literally sucked out his chest with every blow he watched her take. She was quick and agile and most of his blows completely missed her, but when one of his strikes connected, the bastard made damn sure it counted. She had just received a nasty blow as the Arishok had charged her, knocking her to the ground. She gripped her side as blood oozed through her shirt. He watched helplessly as she struggled to get to her feet.

Anders fingers tingled with healing magic that he was about to send at her when Fenris grab his wrist. "Don't! She must win this on her own. If you heal her, you will forfeit all of our lives including hers," the elf hissed through clenched teeth. Anders knew Fenris was right, but the urge to protect, to keep her safe and to ease her pain was overwhelming.

The Arishok charged again, but this time Rylee threw up a decoy. As the Arishok rushed at the doppelganger, Rylee rolled under him, came up behind him and drove her daggers into his back. What should have been an injury to bring most men to their knees only seemed to incense the qunari's rage as he wheeled around, picked Rylee up and slammed her into a nearby pillar. She crumbled to the ground and didn't move. "Please, don't be dead, please, don't be dead, please, don't be dead." Anders chanted.

She remained unmoving for what seemed like an eternity. "Come on, Hawke get up," Fenris begged under his breath.

Rylee began to stir, her fingers flexed around her daggers and just as the Arishok brought down his sword, Rylee rolled toward him, she came up beside him just as the Qunari began to rise from his missed attack. She brought her dagger back and drove it into the Arishok's neck. He stumbled backwards as she drove her other blade into his stomach. As she withdrew her dagger from his neck, blood began to flow freely; he grabbed the gaping hole in his neck as he fell backwards. Rylee staggered up to him, holding her side, but keeping her head and back straight.

The Arishok pointed at her and sneered, "One d-day we shall return." Then he fell back dead. At first, the room was silent with amazement at what they had just witnessed then a loud cheer went up as the room erupted into a frenzy of excitement. Anders studied Rylee carefully as she used all of her strength to remain standing while the Knight-Commander declared her the Champion of Kirkwall. Anders watched her sway on her feet and he was immediately at her side. He reached down to scoop her into his arms, but she shook her head no.

"I need to walk out of here," she muttered.

Anders understood the need for her to remain strong in the eyes of the nobles. "Lean against me, Love. I'll get you out of here."

Barely having the strength to walk, Anders arm encircled around her waist as he practically carried her out of there. Once out of sight, he scooped her into his arms and with Isabela, Fenris and Aveline on his heels, he ran down the stairs toward her estate. She had lost consciousness from the pain just before they arrived. When he entered the great room, Varric and Merrill were already waiting there for them with numerous lyrium bottles lined up. Anders laid her down on the floor then knelt beside her and quickly examined her body. There were numerous internal injuries, a few broken bones in her arm and ribs and then of course the nasty gash in her side. He set to work on healing the gash in her in order to stop her from losing too much blood. Then he started on the internal injuries, healing the organs and repairing the arteries that had been damaged. Finally, he started to repair the broken bones which took the most time to heal.

Isabela nervously paced around the room as Anders worked in silence. Just as he finished healing the last bone, Isabela murmured, "I swear Rylee, you die on me and I'll hunt you down in the Fade and kill you again."

Rylee chuckled, "I might just have to die, just to see you giving Fade Spirits hell in order to reach me."

Isabela's face light up as she fell to her knees and pulled Rylee into her arms, "Thank the Maker!"

Rylee winced with pain from the embrace as she grabbed at her ribs. "Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you," Isabela exclaimed.

"Be careful, I healed her ribs as best as I could, but she will be tender for a while," Anders warned.

"Rylee, I'm so sorry…"

"Bells, I would love to hear your apology and believe me I plan on milking this for all its worth, but right now I just want to go to bed and sleep for a week," Rylee said weakly.

Isabela smiled at her as Anders scooped her into his arms. "Thanks, Rylee… I didn't deserve your mercy…"

Rylee grabbed her friend's hand feebly. "Enough of that, I couldn't let anything happen to my girl. All those nights of drinking just wouldn't be the same without you making an ass out of yourself," Rylee said with a faint devilish grin as she nuzzled against Anders chest and passed out.

**A/N - ****I wanted to thank everyone for your reviews and for adding this story to your alert and favs list. I look forward to reading your comments and thoughts regarding for each chapter so I hope that you will continue to share those with me. ****  
><strong>***Hugs and Kisses to the Beta Wizard Jinxy for working her magic on this chapter. Thank you for all of your help, advice and most of all your friendship. **


	12. Chapter 12 What Do You Want From Me

**Chapter 11- What Do You Want From Me  
><strong>

"Yeah, it's plain to see, that baby you're beautiful  
>and it's nothing wrong with you, it's me, I'm a freak, yeah<br>But thanks for lovin' me 'cause you're doing it perfectly

Yeah, there might have been a time, when I would let you step away  
>I wouldn't even try, but I think you could save my life<br>Just don't give up, I am workin' it out, please don't give in,  
>I won't let you down, it messed me up, need a second to breathe<br>Just keep coming around, hey, whataya want from me?"  
><em>What Do You Want From Me by Adam Lambert<em>

It had been three years since Rylee had killed the Arishok and was named Champion of Kirkwall. As Rylee's notoriety grew, Anders anxiety over her safety intensified. People on the streets regularly called out her name in greeting and she was always courteous to each one of them, while Anders eyed them with growing suspicion. Everyone wanted something from the Champion and those who didn't want something, wanted to make their own mark by taking the Champion down. At times, it seemed like the only two people looking out for her were Varric and himself. Rylee certainly wasn't taking the threats against her serious enough as she continued to offer assistance to anyone who came to her with a bleeding sob story.

As they headed down the dirt path toward the city gates, Anders looked over at Nathaniel Howe, who at Rylee's insistence was heading back to Kirkwall to rest at the Estate before heading back to Ferelden and sneered to himself. Nathaniel who was normally stoically quiet and brooding was now a budding conversationalist as he chatted with Rylee about her fleeing Ferelden, the Deep Roads, and the Arishok. Rylee's enchanting laugh pulled him out of his dark thoughts. He looked up, her face was radiant with amusement as she gently touched Nathaniel's arm. Wonderful, not only had the stoic rogue become an excellent communicator, but he was now also a comedian. Suddenly jealousy coursed through his body like a flame licking rapidly at a dry piece of kindling… _MINE!_ His mind growled. _OURS!_ Justice replied.

She smiled at the Warden, purred her replies and flirted shamelessly with him.

_**Vixen!**__**Tease! Whore! How could she be so brazen in front of us like that? **_

Justice's harsh words snapped him back to reality and broke the chains of envy and jealousy.

_Shut up! You know she isn't like that at all. She is flirtatious by nature. That is who she is and what drew us to her in the first place. She could not change that about her nature any more then she could change the color of her eyes. She loves me!_

_**Are you so sure about that, Anders? You haven't actually been the charming mage she fell in love with, the tender apostate that she committed herself to. Lately ,you have become a self absorbed, self centered bastard.**_

_That's sodding priceless coming from you since it has been you and your demands eating away at my brain that has made me that way._

_**So, can you blame her for seeking comfort in the arms of another? Would you deny her the solace that you can no longer provide her?**_

Anders watched Rylee as she interacted with Nathaniel. He hadn't in such joy in her face in a long time. Her body language was relaxed and so carefree and as she joked around with the rogue it was as if he was seeing a burden being lifted off of her shoulders as the lighthearted, cheery Rylee that he fell in love settled over her demeanor.

_She loves me! _Anders said more to reassure himself than Justice.

_**You keep telling yourself that.**_

_She loves me!_

_**Maybe you will actually begin to believe it.**_

_SHE LOVES ME! SHUT THE FUCK UP!_

Nathaniel stayed with them for almost a week and during that time a constant battle waged in his mind as his paranoia about Rylee's faithfulness to him, his fear of losing her and his struggle to hold onto her love threatened to consume him. He thought when Nathaniel left that his suspicions and mistrust would ease, but they only intensified. At least when Nathaniel was here, Anders could keep an eye on him, watch to make sure that his Warden brother didn't try to take advantage of Rylee, didn't try to play on her loneliness in order to seduce her, but now every time she left the house without him, anxiety saturated him like a wet blanket, making his skin crawl. He imagined Rylee being held by Isabela or caressed by Fenris and on very bad days his imagination would invoke images of Knight-Captain Cullen, who Anders knew had a thing for Rylee, between her legs as he moved in and out of her. To Anders, Rylee being with a templar would be the greatest betrayal of all and when Justice was feeling particularly sadistic, he force feed Anders this scenario. The only way he could make the Spirit relent was to work on his manifesto.

He needed to finish it and present it to the Grand Cleric. It was the only way Anders was going to save his sanity and find peace. Justice drove him relentlessly to finish it, forcing Anders to go days with little more than a few hours of sleep. He could see the worry and concern in Rylee's eyes. She tried desperately to reach him, to force him to connect with her, but he couldn't allow himself to take comfort in her, no matter how much he ached for her. If he gave into the connection that they shared, the paranoia would swallow him whole as Justice preyed on his insecurities, driving him back to the manifesto, forcing Anders to bend to the Spirit's will.

Now, surrounded by hundreds of crumbled up sheets of paper, Anders sat hunched over the desk in the library, working on the revisions to his manifesto. Tomorrow Anders had a meeting with the Grand Cleric to present his proposal to her and he needed it to be perfect. Rylee had asked him to the Hanged Man with her tonight, but he was unable to tear himself away from this critical argument. She had been disappointed and Anders could see the pain in her eyes as he continued to pull away from her.

_Just bare with me, Love. Let me present this to the Grand Cleric and everything will go back to the way it was._

_**No matter what the outcome of tomorrow is Anders; things can never go back to the way they once were. Progress is only made by moving forward.**_

_Please save your self-indulgent lectures for someone who is actually listening._

Despite Rylee's frustration and disappointment with him she had agreed to go alone –that had been hours ago. He had been too absorbed in his work that he hadn't even heard her come in, hadn't even noticed she had entered the room until he felt her arms slip around his shoulders, her lips graze his neck and smelled the scent of sweet lavender on her skin and brandy on her breath.

Without taking his eyes off of the page, he patted her arm, "Rylee, not now. I can't be distracted from this right now."

The warmth of her arms quickly retreated from his shoulders as she let out a long sigh of frustration. As his mind grabbed hold of his next argument as he heard her flop down on the sofa across from him, but he was too consumed with this line of reasoning to even glance up at her. His quill fiercely flowed across the parchment as his thoughts poured out of him, filling page after page. He knew these were excellent arguments and his excitement began to escalate when he heard a low moan. Without lifting his head he glanced up at her through hooded eyes and his heart leapt into his chest. Rylee was lying on the sofa completely naked; her one leg rested on table in front of her while her other leg was bent up towards her thigh. Her hand had been caressing her breasts as she squeezed the taut nipple before gliding down her toned stomach toward the dark curly mound between her legs. Anders felt all the blood rush to his groin as she pulled her knees toward her, his breath hitched as her hand slipped down between her slick pink folds. Every thought in his head floated away as he was mesmerized by what was taking place in front of him.

Even from across the room her musky scent inundated his senses, his mouth watered as he imagined his tongue gliding over her swollen pearl and sliding deep into her tight center. They both groaned together. Anders bit down on the quill as he watched her fingers stroke the tight nub.

"W-what are you thinking about?" Anders groaned.

"Mmmm, y-you and the way your head looked between my legs that day we spent at the beach."

Oh fuck, that was one of the most memorable sexual experiences of his life. "T-tell me what you liked best," He said in husky voice as he watched her stroke herself.

"The f-feel of your tongue as it l-licked and sucked at me before sinking deep inside of me," Rylee moaned.

Oh Maker, she was killing him and this was sweetest torture he had ever experienced, he watched her body respond to her own touch as she fantasized about him. Rylee was doing everything in her power to bring Anders back from the brink of insanity; she was relentless and never gave up in her quest to try saving him from himself. Maker, he loved her and he missed her desperately.

He knew it wouldn't be long before he would be on his knees in front of her. She never ceased to amaze him… he couldn't believe she was still his. As obsessed as he had become with the mages plight she refused to let him go, refused to let him slip over the edge. No matter how much he hurt her or ignored her, she rejected the notion that he was a lost cause and continued to find new and creative ways to keep him grounded and rooted to her.

His eyes widened and he nearly came of the chair as she plunged her fingers deep inside her core. His groin ached as he imagined pushing those luscious thighs apart as he slid into her hot, wet center. His body trembled at the mere thought. How long had it been since he had allowed himself to be with her, to connect with her as their souls entwined with each other… he couldn't remember, because anytime he had even thought about making love to her, Justice would inundate his mind with images of Rylee with Isabela, Fenris and Cullen only adding fuel to his delusions. He knew she had never been unfaithful to him. He knew she loved him and was frantic to save him, but the only way to escape the mirage of pictures in his head was to give in to Justice's will.

He watched with fascination as she effortlessly moved her fingers in and out and across the throbbing bundle of nerves before thrusting back inside. She looked magnificent – her body flushed with excitement, the deep red color of her center, her back slightly arched as her mouth gapped open. Seeing her like this in the throes of ecstasy overrode the visions that Justice tried to throw at him. Desire, hunger and an all consuming need to reconnect with her overpowered the Spirit's demands and Anders shut him out completely as he gave into his yearning for her.

He heard her breath quicken as a moan tore from her throat, "A-anders!" She panted his name.

The sound of his name falling from her lips broke his will completely. He was instantly on his feet and falling on his knees in front of her as he slipped his hands under her bottom and pulled her to the edge of the sofa.

"I want to finish you," he groaned just before his tongue replaced her fingers. She writhed against his mouth as he licked, sucked and nipped at her until he took her over the edge. Feeling her tighten around his fingers as the wave of pleasure crashed over her.

"That's it, Ry, come for me," he ordered.

Her body shuddered as she lifted her hips and pressed against his mouth. She cried out as she came with such a strong intensity that she shook from head to toe.

He pulled back and grinned up at her, "You have been a very naughty girl. Do you have any idea how fucking hot that was?"

She gave him that roguish grin of hers, "Do tell."

"I am so hard for you, it aches," Anders moaned as he slid his pants and tunic off, sat down and pulled her onto his lap. The feel of her wet center against his bare skin caused a moan to slip from his lips. "Justice was right, you are distraction, but Maker, Ry, you can distract me like that anytime." Anders groaned as he leaned over and took her already hard nipple into his mouth. He rolled it around his tongue as he sucked and nipped at it. She moaned as she arched into his mouth. His hand slid between her legs to her slick folds. His fingers glided between her curls till he found her throbbing nub. He stroked her as his mouth teased the sensitive buds on her chest to the point she was gasping for breath, crying out his name.

"Are you ready to feel me inside of you? Because Ry, if I don't get inside you soon, I swear I'm going to die," Anders moaned against her chest.

She answered him wordlessly as she turned and straddled him. She leaned forward as Anders adjusted himself at her wet core; she slowly eased down as he sank deep inside her tight walls. Anders looked at where they were joined and groaned at the sight of him moving in and out of her.

Her full beautiful breasts swayed as she rode him, he clasped his hand around them and drew a nipple into his mouth while his thumb caressed the other one. She moaned into the side of his neck as her tongue and lips nipped and sucked at his ear lobe. He thrust harder and deeper into her; she clung to him as he felt her racing toward her climax.

He reached up and cupped her face, forcing her piercing blue eyes to settle on his. "Keep them open, Ry. I want to watch you."

He grabbed her hips and pressed her against him as he plunged faster and faster into her. Their eyes never left each other's and his name on her lips as he pushed them over the edge.

She fell against his chest, panting as she tried to catch her breath. Anders entwined his fingers in her hair as he whispered, "I love you, Ry."

Rylee slowly lifted herself off of Anders and looked into his eyes. His heart clinched in his chest at the agony that he saw there. How long had it been since he had uttered those three precious words to her. He couldn't remember.

Tears weld up in her eyes as her lower lip quivered. "I-I thought you had s-stopped…" the heartbreak in her voice prevented her from going on.

Anders own eyes filled with tears at the pain he had caused the woman that was bound to him, heart, soul and mind. "I'm so sorry, Love. No matter what happens, please never doubt my love for you." He leaned forward and brushed his lips against hers. "You are flesh of my flesh, heart of my heart, soul of my soul. I know that I have caused you great pain, Rylee, and for that I can only beg for your forgiveness, but please know, till I breathe my last breath. I will never stop loving you."

The dam of emotions that she had been holding broke and she clung to him as she cried for the two of them and he held onto her tightly knowing he didn't deserve her, but thanked the Maker for giving him his salvation, however temporary it might be. When no more tears could be shed, he gently wiped her face dry and kissed her once again. When he finally pulled away he asked, "Ready for bed?"

She gave him a sly grin as she slipped off of his lap and moved down his body. Her lips and tongue did the most delicious things to his body as she cut a path to his already hardening groin, "Did I forget to mention the punishment for ignoring me?"

Anders laughed as she took him her mouth and delivered her version of justice.

**xxXxx**

Anders sat on the dirt floor with his back pressed against the wall, his knees pulled up to his chest. He hadn't been home in days, not since the Grand Cleric had completely rejected his manifesto without so much as glance at the words he had poured his blood, sweat and tears into. He knew he looked like hell. He hadn't bathed nor shaved, his hair was out of its tight ponytail, stringy and greasy, and his eyes were red and puffy from lack of sleep and crying. If Rylee had been home, she would have been panicked at his appearance and his behavior, but luckily for him, when Justice had revealed his grand plan for the Sela Petrae and Drakestone, Rylee had been in Sundermount helping Merrill with something that had to do with that damn mirror. Anders knew that when mixed properly, those ingredients could create a powerful explosion. When he had asked Rylee to help him collect them, he wasn't sure what Justice intended to use them for; he knew it wouldn't be good, but never in a million years would he have thought that the Spirit would devise such a diabolical plan as to blow up the Chantry, to kill Grand Cleric Elthina and all of those innocent people. Two days ago, after Elthina's rejection of his manifesto, Justice had revealed his final plan, and Anders had felt as if someone had repeatedly slammed a boulder against his head as he struggled to comprehend what the Spirit told him.

_Why the Chantry? If you want to blow up something, why not the Circle?_

_**Because the Circle is controlled by the Chantry; Elthina had her chance to end this madness, but she snubbed the manifesto that you and Rylee spent years working on, without even a glance, and she refused to take sides as Meredith has grown even more out of control.**_

_Murdering an innocent woman…_

_**She isn't innocent, Anders, and you know that. The templars grow more and more abusive and the mages rebel but only by resorting to forbidden magic. It has to stop… it must stop! The only way to achieve that is to compel not just Kirkwall, but all of Thedas to re-examine their beliefs about how mages are treated; to force them to see that oppressing and mistreating a group of people because you fear them is not acceptable behavior. It is inhuman. It will take a radical act for them to make that type of mind shift. **_

_You will cause them to fear mages even more, Justice. _

_**Not when you're willing die for the cause; when you become the martyr, the rebels will have someone to rally behind. **_

Anders felt the air being sucked out of his lungs as his stomach retched. Justice expected him to die for this cause, to become the symbol for the mage rebellion that was sure to ensue.

_Martyr!_

_**You and I both know that Rylee cannot and will not let you live. Her sense of justice is too strong and because of her political station and her relationship with you, it will be demanded of her to execute you. **_

_That is why you allowed me to continue in this relationship with her; so that you could use her to fulfill your own goals. _

_**That was never my intention in the beginning, but you refused to listen to me. Even when I warned you that pursuing a relationship with her would destroy her, you insisted….**_

_If you had just told me what your plans were, I would have listened…_

_**You've always known, Anders, that this wouldn't end peacefully. **_

_But you are asking me to destroy her. It will kill her if she has to take my life. _

_**I warned you. You should have listened. **_

_I can't do this, I can't do this to her. You ask too much. Take my life, make me the sacrificial lamb, but don't make me do this to her._

_**You will and you must, and if you can't do it then I will take you over completely until the act is done.**_

_NO!_

_**Then find a way, Anders! **_

Anders buried his head in his arms and cried himself to sleep. He felt a soft gentle caress against his arm as a tender voice whispered against his ear, "Anders, my Love. Wake up."

He didn't know how long he had been asleep, but by the stiffness in his neck and limbs, it had been a while. He looked up into Rylee's beautiful face and he saw the distress flicker in her eyes, but she quickly reigned in her fears. "Love, come home with me."

Anders threw himself in her arms, clung to her and wept for the both of them.

**A/N – Thank to everyone that has as added this story to their alert and favorites list. Also that thank you those that have added me to their favorite authors list. I am honored by such a wonderful gesture. I also want to thank those that have left such amazing and thoughtful reviews. I love hearing your thoughts both good and bad so please continue to share those with me.**

***Last, but never least I want to thank Jinxy for working her wonderful betalicious magic on this chapter. Thank you, my dear for your help, insight and friendship**.


	13. Chapter 13 Rolling in the Deep

**Chapter 12**

"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch, and it's bringing me out the dark

Finally I can see you crystal clear, go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare

See how I'll leave with every piece of you, don't underestimate the things that I will do

There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch, and it's bringing me out the dark

The scars of your love remind me of us, they keep me thinking that we almost had it all

The scars of your love, they leave me breathless, I can't help feeling, we could have had it all

Rolling in the deep, (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

You had my heart inside of your hand, (You're gonna wish you never had met me)

And you played it to the beat, (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)"

_Rolling in the Deep by Adele_

Anders thought about those last days leading up to the destruction of the Chantry. The tension and the stress between the two of them had been palpable. Rylee, who was the most patient person he had ever known, had been on edge ever since she had come back from helping Merrill. Anders half-heartedly had asked her about it, but she had given him a curt reply that she wouldn't want her troubles to distract him from his precious mission. Her words had stung because they had hit their mark perfectly. If he had been a true partner to her, he would have pressed her for details, but his agenda... Justice's agenda was the only thing that the Spirit would allow him to concentrate on. He had only found out what had been weighing on her mind by sheer happenstance.

He had left the clinic late one night and stopped by the Hanged Man to deliver some stamina and healing potions to Varric. Merrill was in a corner with Isabela and Maker's breath, the tiny elf was drunk. He had only seen Merrill drunk once before and that had not been a pretty picture the next day. Anders had every intention of not getting involved as he headed for the stairs to Varric's room, but as he passed by their table Merrill reached out and clasped his arm.

"A-anders, please, I beg of you, please tell her, I'm s-so sorry. I never meant for any of that to happen. P-please tell her, make her f-forgive me," Merrill pleaded.

The utter confusion must have shown on his face. Isabela jeered at him. "Kitten, the self-absorbed prick doesn't have a clue what you're even talking about. Rylee's problems and anguish is no longer the apostate's concern, even though he committed himself to her as her life partner. I hope for Rylee's sake it's a short life for you."

Anders glared at Isabela as he yanked his arm out of Merrill's grasp. "I'll let her know, Merrill."

_Andraste's tits what the hell had happened that Merrill would be drunk and begging for Rylee's forgiveness? And if it was bad enough for Merrill to be buried face down in a pint, what was this doing to Rylee?_

_**That is not our concern!**_

_Shut up!_

_**I'm serious, Anders. Whatever is going on between Rylee and Merrill is not our concern. We have bigger things to concern ourselves with.**_

_I know the fact that the woman I love is in pain is of no concern to you, but I love her and if she is hurting, it brings me pain too._

_**Oh really? You have been hurting her for years now. You have been slowly killing her and that didn't concern you. You weren't man enough to walk away from her when you could have saved her from all of this heartache, even though that is what would have been best for her. So, why should the fact that she is in a tiff with the elf trouble you now? Stop being such a hypocrite. **_

_Shut up! I am truly beginning to hate you!_

_**Good, then we are making progress. Now focus that rage on something more important than that rogue you live with. **_

Anders entered Varric's room and sat at the table with the dwarf. "I brought you the potions you requested."

Varric stared down at his ale, "Thanks, Blondie. I appreciate it. Hawke hasn't been around much lately and we could really use them for the trip to the Bone Pit tomorrow."

"Rylee hasn't been here at nights with you? Where has she been?"

Varric raised an eyebrow, "She's your life partner, shouldn't you know that?"

Jealousy and suspicion coursed through him as Justice filled Anders' head with unwanted images. Anders ignored the question and asked, "What is going on with Rylee and Merrill?"

"Some partner you're turning out to be, Blondie. Don't you think you should ask Rylee about this?"

"I'm not blind, Varric, or so self-centered that I haven't noticed that Rylee has been upset. I have asked her about it, but she refuses to open up about it. So now I'm asking you. Please tell me what is going on."

"Well, if you had gone to Sundermount when Rylee had begged you to accompany her, you would have known that in order to save Merrill, Keeper Marethari became an abomination, so we had to kill her, the clan retaliated for the death of their Keeper and attacked us… when it was over, not one member with the exception of Merrill remained standing. Rylee took the destruction of a Dalish clan very personnel. She is very angry at Merrill for placing her in that position, but more importantly, I believe Rylee blames herself for not truly taking Merrill's little hobby as seriously as she should have."

Anders sat back in the chair as the air was sucked out of his lungs. Maker's breath, this explained so much. Rylee had a deep respect for the Dalish and their ways. She had shared several long conversations with Marethari about the Dalish, Merrill and their way of life. The two of them had even had Dalish tattoos added on the small of their backs that read, Ai eis tia shaelylaer'm eil tia shaelylaerair toli. Anders knew this had to be eating at her very soul and he had been too self-absorbed to even recognize the pain she had to be in.

Anders stood, "Thank you, Varric. I appreciate it."

Varric studied him for a long time. "Blondie, I don't know what is going with you and truth be told I don't want to know. For years now, you have caused my best friend an extraordinary amount of pain and I have said nothing because Rylee has made it clear to all of us that it isn't any of our business. However, I will say this, if you love her at all anymore, help her. It's this kind of senseless act of annihilation that could destroy the Hawke that I know and love."

"I know my actions recently haven't demonstrated my love for Rylee, but Varric, please know that I still love her deeply. She is everything to me."

"Actions speak louder than words. Help her, Blondie."

"I will."

When Anders arrived back at the estate, Bodahn greeted him at the front door. Anders inquired about Rylee's whereabouts and the dwarf informed him that she was in the garden. Anders found that surprising, considering the chill that was in the air tonight. He made his way out to the side entrance and paused as his eyes adjusted to the light. He faintly heard a voice singing. He followed the sound to the center of the garden where he saw Rylee sitting under the large oak tree. In her hand she held a single rose as she sang a Dalish song.

"Melava inan enansal, ir su araval tu elvaral, u na emma abelas, in elgar sa vir mana, in tu setheneran din emma na. Lath sulevin, lath araval ena, arla ven tu vir mahvir, melana 'nehn enasal ir sa lethalin."

Anders watched her with fascination as his heart swelled with love for her; he ached for her, not just physically, but emotionally. Seeing her now, with her guard down, he realized he missed her terribly. He yearned to be held in her embrace, to find solace in her arms, but in order to do what Justice was requiring him to do, he had to pull back from her and put distance between them. It was slowly killing both of them, but he had no choice, and the fact that she had never faltered in her dedication to him; that she held onto this undeserved devotion, an unconditional love for him, was inspiring and frightening.

It was for those reasons he wouldn't tell her of his plans even when she had angrily confronted him about why he needed her help to get into the Chantry. She wasn't naïve and she knew that Anders was up to something, but even as she threatened and ranted at him, he refused to involve her any more than was necessary. He would be the only one to die for his crimes, not her. It would be bad enough that some would find her guilty by association, but once she executed him, that would eliminate those suspicions.

As she sang the next stanza, he memorized her beautiful face, the way her hair blew gently in the breeze, the sparkle in her eyes as the moonlight danced off of them. It was this image that he would hold onto as he drew his last breaths before she would be forced to take his life.

When she had finished, he stepped out of the shadows to approach her. "That was beautiful," Anders said softly.

She jumped at his sudden appearance. He smiled at her, "I'm sorry, Love, I didn't mean to frighten you."

His sudden emergence immediately made her anxious and apprehensive and the fact that he had this kind of effect on her demeanor caused his heart to grieve for all that they had lost. Over the past several years, as he pulled away from her and buried himself in his manifesto and the mage underground, they had numerous fights about the distance that he was placing between them. Both of them were passionate people and some of those arguments at times been violent. They had never physically harmed each other, but they had done serious damage to the environment around them. After those battles, Anders would leave and not return home for days, which of course pleased Justice to no end, but then his need for her would overpower him and he would always returned to her, even though he knew for her sake it would best if he left her for good. However, he was a weak man and he needed her as much as he needed air, food and water to live. The past year of their relationship had been the most destructive and he secretly hoped that she would have the strength to end their unhealthy and detrimental affair, but she had absolutely refused to let him go. Even when he cried in her arms and begged her to, she refused to let him slide into the mental abyss that was trying to claim him.

What they had once shared had been so incredibly beautiful, it had been a rare, precious gift and he hoped that once she got over the pain of being betrayed, that she would remember and treasure the memories of the exceptional love that they had shared.

He sat down beside her and took her hand in his. "What does the song mean?"

She hesitated, unsure how to react to seeing the kind, gentle hearted man she loved. "The song is about enduring and emerging from sorrow. The elves tie it to their loss of their ancient lands, but it can be adapted to personal struggles, as well."

Anders brought her hand to his mouth and brushed his lips across them. Then he tenderly slid his hand out of hers, turned her palm to him and pressed his lips against the sensitive side of her hand. A shudder ran through her and he smiled at the knowledge that he still somehow had that affect on her. "With all that you have been through lately, Love, it is a very appropriate song."

She looked up at him with questioning eyes. "Varric told me what happened on Sundermount. I am so sorry. I know you blame yourself for this, but you have to know, you aren't to blame."

"I annihilated an entire clan to the point of extinction," Rylee cried out as her tears began to flow.

Anders pulled her into his arms and kissed the top of her forehead. "As much as I respect Marethari as mage, she did a very foolish thing and in the process condemned Merrill and her entire clan. You only reacted to someone else's unwise decision."

Anders held her tightly against him as she grieved in his arms. Eventually, she pulled away and looked at him. His eyes fell on her soft, full mouth and his lips tingled from the memory of her lips touching his. He couldn't remember the last time they had been together, but for the first time in months, he felt something deep inside him stir to life. Something that he had buried under Justice's demands, but now was roaring to be heard.

Rylee tenderly reached up and caressed his cheek. Anders trembled beneath her loving touch as her fingers slid into his golden hair to the nape of his neck. He tightened his hold on her as her eyes filled with love and desire for him, but also apprehension as she waited for his rejection of her advances to come.

"Anders," she sighed in a pleading tone. His breathing had become heavier when he felt her body tremble with anticipation against his. "Anders, please don't pull away from me."

Anders stared at her rosy, velvety lips that were beckoning him like a siren's call, pleading with him to claim what was his. He wanted to feel her mouth against his, he needed to taste her once again and as the battle raged in his head, his desire to be with her, to be in her, to take comfort in her one last time, grew out of control.

"Kiss me, Anders," Rylee demanded.

Shame and guilt swept over him, he had no right to take comfort in Rylee, to offer her hope that he could be saved, because in a few short days her world would never be the same, but as her warm body pressed against his, he hungered for her as if he was a starved man that hadn't eaten in months. He stared at her and thought she never looked more beautiful or more desirable. She patiently waited for him to make a decision. This was one time she was not going to force her will, desires or needs on him, she wanted him to want her as desperately as she wanted him.

One last time he needed her, one last time he yearned to show her how much he loved her, one last time their souls needed to come together as one. Anders slammed the door shut on Justice in his mind and focused solely on the love of his life that was now entangled in his arms.

Anders lowered his face until his mouth was just inches away from hers, the warmth of her breath brushed his lips just before his mouth claimed hers. Boldly, he brushed his tongue against her lips, overwhelmed by his desire to taste her. Rylee moaned against his lips as her arms wrapped around his neck. He could feel the curves of her body through the thin night shirt and he felt her completely surrender to him as she moaned his name. Desire and hunger welled up in him as a delicious quiver spread through his entire body and manifesting with a painful throbbing in his groin.

Anders leapt to his feet, pulled her to him, and swept her into his arms. He carried her up to their bed chamber and spent the rest of the night giving her the most exquisite pleasure as he prepared to say good-bye to her.

**xxXxx**

Now Anders stared with growing dread at the Port of Amaranthine as Isabela guided the ship into the dock. It had been six weeks since the events of Kirkwall, and Rylee had insisted that the only safe place for Anders at the moment was under the protection of the Wardens, because the Order was so secretive, not even the Chantry was able to apply any type of strong control over them. If Lillah was willing to offer him shelter, the Wardens would be there safest haven until Rylee could figure out what to do next.

He glanced over at her detached face that had permanently become etched with pain… pain that he had caused her, and no matter how many times he apologized, he couldn't remove the anguish from her eyes. At least the rage that had burned there had diminished. He had seen her wrath delivered upon those that had committed heinous acts, but he never truly understood what the weight of her ire felt like until he had stared into her eyes after he destroyed the Chantry. The look she gave him was as painful as if she had delivered a crushing blow to his skull.

Her body seethed with fury at his betrayal, and he knew she had every right to hate him. He could still hear the crowd chanting for her to take his life and Anders watched as she wavered and trembled under the weight of the pressure of demanding throng. He had no doubt that in the end she would give the mob the recompense that they were demanding.

She looked at him with such anguish in her eyes, the hurt and betrayal flowed in the tears that carved a path down her dirt stained cheeks. "How could you?" Was all she could manage to ask.

"I love you, Rylee. I will love you till my last breath. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you, but this is bigger than us. The world needs to change and change will only occur when they realize that the way they treat mages is inhuman. Meredith so much as told both of us that I am only safe because of my association with you, but what happens when your credibility is no longer viewed valuable to her. Will they come steal me out of our bed in the middle of the night and make me tranquil to prove a point? What about the thousands of mages throughout Thedas that don't have someone like you to protect them? Is their fate supposed to be left to their cruel gatekeepers abuses with no one to give voice to their pain and suffering? I couldn't do it anymore, Ry. The world needs to see this and we all need to stop pretending that the circle is a solution. If I pay for my life than so be it."

He watched her chest rapidly rise and fall as she struggled with the enormity of this decision. Justice ranted in his head that she must do this final act, she must take their lives, but Anders remained silent as Rylee weighed all of her options. If the Spirit had just been patient and given her a few more minutes, Anders knew they would have achieved their goal, but in his restlessness, Justice made his fatal mistake and tried to take over his body. For a brief second his eyes must have flashed blue, but Anders managed to fight him off with the last bit of strength that he had.

However, that brief lapse of control wasn't short enough, Rylee's eyes suspiciously narrowed on him. She marched up to him and hissed, "You tell that fucking Spirit of yours that his plan failed. I refuse to give this pathetic excuse for rebellion a martyr to rally behind. You may deserve to die, but it won't be by my hand. Now, get on your feet Anders, and fight for the mages that your actions just condemned to death."

Anders had been in shock that she was going to let him live and fight by her side. Even when Sebastian had threatened both of their lives, she had in so many words had told the Prince of Starkhaven to sod off. She had rallied the troops inside the Gallows as they prepared for the final battle, Anders desperately wanted to pull her into his arms, hold her against him and tell her how much he loved her, how sorry he was that everything had turned out like this, but when he had looked into her eyes, the spark that had been Rylee was gone. What stared back at him now was hardened and dead. That look had killed him as surely as if she had driven a dagger through his heart.

His mind could barely formulate a thought and he managed to ramble on about wanting to be with her, but that they would be hunted and hated. Maker, he had sounded like a complete ass. She had just spared his life and in the process condemned herself and all he could think to talk about was free mages a hundred fucking years from now. Maker's balls, what was his problem? She had given him a defeated nod of agreement that she would remain by his side and before he could grab her and pull her into his arms, she had moved on to Isabela. He heard her making preparations with the pirate to leave Kirkwall immediately after the battle, if they survived.

That had been six weeks ago, and since that day she had barely said two words to him and she could no longer look him in the eye. The ocean size abyss that was now between them was slowly destroying him and as much as it pained him, he thought it might be better if he let her go, if he released her from her promise to remain at his side, so that maybe one day she could once again find peace and happiness. He was about to make the suggestion that once in port that they should go their separate ways when she turned abruptly towards him. "Varric would have sent word ahead and made reservations for us at the Crown and Lion. He also arranged horses for us to travel to Vigil's Keep."

"That Varric... he is always on top of everything," Anders replied dryly. Rylee gave a curt nod and turned to go.

"Rylee?" Anders said in a questioning tone. She turned to look at him and for the first time in weeks, she looked into his eyes. They were no longer the dead spheres that they had been in the Gallows. Now all he saw was a tremendous amount of sorrow. His heart was pounding in his chest as he tried to gather the courage to let her go. His eyes began to sting from the pain at the realization that he was about to say good-bye to her.

"Is there something you wanted?" She asked in a distant voice that no longer sounded like hers.

"I-I think it would be best for you if once we dock, we went our s-separate ways," Anders said as his voice cracked under his lack of conviction.

She was silent for a long time before she spoke in a hushed tone. "Is that what you want?"

"Maker no, Rylee, I love you! I want to remain by your side forever, but I want what is best for you. It is obvious that I bring you nothing but pain and grief. I know my actions have hurt you and have caused you great agony. I know that you made the most difficult decision on your life when you spared my life. I want to prove to you that you made the right decision, but you won't let me in. I've tried, Ry, Maker knows I've tried, but there is nothing I can do to ease your suffering. I don't want to be a constant reminder of all the pain and loss that I have brought to you. It might be better for you if we parted ways, so that one day you can hopefully have a normal life."

Again she remained quiet as she thought over what he had said. "The decision to spare your life wasn't as difficult as you think. I can't be your Judge or your Executioner, but it's not for the reasons you think….It's true, Anders, that your actions have caused me pain and it is painful to be with you, but to be separated from you would tear me to pieces….I still love you, Anders. Maker, help me, I always will… I-I just need time Anders. If… if you can give me time… time to heal. If you want to remain at my side, Anders, I want you to be there too."

Anders gently pulled her into his arms, and he felt her stiffen as he kissed the top of her head, but he refused to let her go. He hadn't touched her since that last time they had been together and he ached for her. She felt fantastic in his arms. He could hold her like this forever. He was so undeserving and he would spend the rest of his life making this up to her.

"There should never be any doubt that it is at your side, I want to remain. I love you, Rylee. I know that I fucked up by betraying your trust in me, but please never doubt that I love you."

She remained silent as she hesitantly allowed him to hold her. If it took him the rest of his life, he would win back her love and trust. "What did you mean when you said, not for the reasons I would think?"

Before she could answer, Isabela yelled out, "Aye, let's brin' 'tis beauty gently into dock. I don't want no scratches on me new baby."

Anders brows furrowed. "Since when has the wench started to speak like that?"

Rylee gently pulled out of his embrace and he immediately felt the loss of her warmth. "You really have made yourself scares. We were at sea less than a day when she started to talk like a drunken sailor."

Isabela had made it perfectly clear that he was only on board her ship because Rylee had insisted that they were a package deal. Their first night at sea, Isabela had cornered him with her daggers drawn. She proceeded to not only threaten his life, but insinuated that he would die ball-less and dick-less if he ever hurt Rylee in such a manner again. From that point on, he had avoided the pirate wench the entire time they had been at sea, and he really hoped that she wasn't planning on continuing to travel with them once they made port. He definitely deserved to die for what he had put Rylee through the past several years, but the thought of having his twig and berries removed before death happened, made him pray to the Maker for the first time in years.

**A/N – Rylee and Anders tattoos mean, I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine, from Song of Solomon 6:3. This was actually part of my wedding vows 25 years ago.**

***The song that Rylee sang is the elven song Suledin which is played during the dungeon escape portion of Leliana's Song. **  
><strong>Here are the lyrics: <strong>  
><strong>Time was once a blessing, but long journeys are made longer when alone within.<strong>  
><strong>Take spirit from the long ago, but do not dwell in lands no longer yours.<strong>  
><strong>Be certain in need, and the path will emerge to a home tomorrow and time will again be the joy it once was.<strong>

***I have started writing a new story called **_**What You Will. **_**It is loosely based on the Twelfth Night. Here is the summary; In order to keep the templars off of her trail as her family escapes Ferelden, Charlie Hawke completely changes her identity and her gender. Upon arriving in Kirkwall she is forced to continue the charade despite her growing attraction Anders. Ht tp:/ /www. fan fiction. net/s/7221 501/1/ Remove the spaces.**

***Last, but never least, to my dear friend Jinxy, thank you from the bottom of my heart for all that you do for me. You're the best and I am so glad you are a part of my life. **


	14. Chapter 14 Forgive Me

**Chapter 13**

"Can you forgive me again? I don't know what I said, but I didn't mean to hurt you  
>I heard the words come out, I felt that I would die, it hurt so much to hurt you<p>

Then you look at me, you're not shouting anymore, you're silently broken  
>I'd give anything now to kill those words for you<br>Each time I say something I regret I cry "I don't want to lose you."  
>But somehow I know that you will never leave me, yeah.<p>

'Cause you were made for me, somehow I'll make you see  
>How happy you make me, I can't live this life<br>Without you by my side, I need you to survive, so stay with me  
>You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry"<p>

_Forgive Me by Evanescence_

Much to Anders dismay, when they disembarked, Isabela went with them to the Crown and Lion. The pirate wench shot him dirty looks the entire way, but Anders continued to ignore her. When they entered the tavern, Rylee made her way to the barkeep. She gave the man her most radiant smile that would melt the heart of any man.

"Hello my sweet, what can I do for you?"

"A friend sent me here and told me to ask for Wimarc Forwin," Rylee stated.

The old barkeep's brows furrowed. "Not many people know to ask for me by that name. You must be the friend Varric wrote me about."

Rylee smiled, "Yes, I am Leigh L'Ombre."

Anders grinned as he whispered, "The Shadow, nice last name."

"Glad you approve. I thought it was appropriate."

"I have two rooms reserved for you and a package that I am suppose to give you," Wimarc said as he handed Rylee the keys to their rooms and a large parcel. Rylee generously tipped the man, requested a bath, a bottle of wine and a food tray be brought up to both rooms, then the three of them headed up the stairs.

"So Kitten, what are the sleeping arrangements?" Isabela asked as she eyed Anders distrustfully as if he might grab for a dagger and slice Rylee's throat open.

Rylee handed Isabela her key, "Anders and I will stay in room four since it is the larger of the rooms."

Clearly disappointed in the arrangements, Isabela glared at him one last time as she grabbed the key from her hand. "Fine!"

Once behind closed doors, Anders said, "I see that Isabela was clearly hoping that you would have ended our relationship so that she could pick up where the two of you left off."

"Isabela is a good friend… nothing more, nothing less," Rylee said briskly, clearly not wanting the conversation to head in that direction. Rylee sat on the bed and began to open the package.

"Who is the parcel from?"

"Varric. He said he would forward all of my documents and papers when he knew it was safe to enter the estate." Anders just nodded. They had left in such a rush that he and Rylee barely had time to throw a few items into a bag and collect the money and jewels from the safe. The packet had arrived before them because Varric would have sent it on a more direct route whereas Isabela wanted to create a false trail by docking in numerous ports to through anyone following them off their trail. As much as Varric wanted to leave with Rylee, he had remained in Kirkwall to spin elaborate tales of where the Champion of Kirkwall was heading, hopefully sending those now hunting them in the opposite direction.

Rylee quickly sorted through the papers and pulled out a letter that Anders recognized as Varric's handwriting. She scanned the letter and as her eyebrows narrowed, Anders knew it wasn't good news. After she had read it several times, she let out a slew of curse words that would have made even Isabela blush as she crumbled up the parchment and threw it into the fire. Anders was about to ask what was wrong when a loud knock came at the door. Anders cautiously answered it, his staff at the ready.

It was just one of the inn's workers bringing in the bath, a bottle of wine and a food tray. Rylee instructed them to set up the bath behind the partition. She then slid behind the screen, Anders heard her get undressed and sigh as she slid into the water. He would have given anything to climb into the tub with her, but he knew such a move would not be welcome, so he poured her a glass of wine and stepped behind the divider to hand it to her. The bubbles that the servant had added, covered most of Rylee's body. However, the tops of her breasts peaked out at him, taunting him. He forced himself to avert his eyes as he pulled a chair up beside the tub.

"What was in Varric's letter?"

She let out a long sigh before she spoke. "Sebastian knows we were headed to Ferelden and has sent scouts to search for us."

"It seems that the choir boy isn't as dumb as he looks, but it will be easy to spot his scouts. We just need to be on the lookout for all men in skirts, and if there is a strong breeze let's hope they actually wear small clothes under those skirts" Anders said as he tried to lighten the mood. The sound of her laughter was music to his ears and the twinkle in her eyes no matter how fleeting gave him reason to hope.

"Maker's breath, Anders, now you have peaked my curiosity. Next time I see a soldier from Starkhaven, I'm going to be forced to lift their skirt to see what they are wearing underneath."

"Well I'm sure having a gorgeous rogue lift their skirts to check out their packages won't draw any attention to us."

"Oh yeah, that's right, I completely forgot that we are suppose to be here incognito. Well, I guess I'll just be forced to knock them on their ass and take a steal-a-little glance as they go ass over tea kettle."

"From what I hear about those Starkhaven boys, little is all you will see."

Rylee chuckled as she took another sip of her wine, "Maybe that is why Sebastian was so uptight. He was trying to deflect attention for his lack of assets."

Anders laughed with her and he honestly couldn't remember the last time they had been this relaxed with each other. He poured them some more wine as they continued to joke about Sebastian's inflexible moral code and the possibility that he was compensating for something. She had been in the bath for almost an hour when sheer exhaustion finally claimed her; her head rested against the rim of the tub, her eyes were closed and as the wine glass slipped from her fingers, Anders cast a levitation spell to keep it from crashing to the floor.

The bubbles had nearly all evaporated; Anders started at her tiny, naked frame and realized just how thin she had become. Long term stress, he knew, could take its toll on the body and over the past several years, he knew that he had provided a lifetime of stress for her. Guilt ate at him as he raised his hands to scan her body to make sure that she was physically okay, but before he could begin, there was a knock at the door. He slipped his hand into the water. It had cooled, but it was still warm enough to keep her from catching a chill.

Ander quietly opened the door to see a very tipsy Isabela, wobbling before him. It probably wasn't a good idea to send a bottle of wine to her room. He stepped out into the hall and closed the door behind him. He was sure this wasn't going to be a calm discussion.

"Where is Rylee?" She demanded.

"She is resting. What can I do for you, Isabela?"

"You… you can go to the Void and die. I don't want anything from you."

"I know you hate me, and you have every right to. But I am trying to be civil and you're just trying to piss me off, so I'll ask one last time. What can I do for you?"

She started at him for a long time before she spoke. "I've read that bonded souls can feel when their mate is in distress or in pain, through their connection. I need to know how you could claim you loved her and laid beside her night after night, month after month, year after year and not feel the anguish you were putting her through? Or did you feel it and just not care? Cause you see, I loved her... I still do and even though we don't have some cosmic connection, I could feel you ripping her apart."

Anders felt a piece of his heart rip once again as another piece tore away. Yes, he had known he was hurting her and not just because he felt her pain, but because she felt his. As he slipped into the dark hole, she went over the edge with him. It was her strength as she gripped the edge of the cliff with one hand and clung to him with the other that kept both of them from falling into the darkness. She had felt his mental decline and that is why she had fought so valiantly to save him and he had felt her desperation, but was helpless to offer her comfort.

In the days that followed the fall of the Chantry, Justice had receded to the lowest recesses of his mind and had remained silent. Anders still felt the Spirit's presence, but Justice was not trying to communicate at all and that was perfectly fine with him. With the absence of Justice's rants in his head, the events that had led up to the fall had become clearer. It was as if the months that preceded the incident had been obscured from full view and could now only be seen clearly. As the clarity had come and the full realization of the hell that he had put Rylee through hit him, he had prayed for death then he had damned the Maker for ever letting him be born and finally he had cursed himself for not having had the courage to walk away from her when he could have saved her from all of this grief.

Now for reasons that he felt he would never truly understand, she wanted him to stay with her. He was so unworthy of her and his treatment of the woman that he claimed was his bonded soulmate was disgraceful, but somehow she still loved him, she still wanted him. So he would spend the rest of his days bringing joy back into her life and making these last few miserable years a dim memory. She deserved that and so much more.

He looked up at Isabela with a new resolve in his eyes. "It's none of your business. What happened between Rylee and I, will remain between Rylee and I. But know this Isabela, I do love her. I love her with every fiber of my being. I don't deserve her and if she were to tell me to leave tomorrow, I would go without a fight or argument, but from this point on as long as she will have me by her side, I will spend the rest of my life honoring her, loving her, adoring her and w-worshiping her." His voice broke and he paused to collect himself. "S-she is my salvation, my sanctuary, she is my reason for living and _I will not ever fail her again."_

Something that looked like respect flickered across the pirate's face as she gave a curt nod. "I'm glad to hear that, Blondie, and I want to believe you, but that Spirit in your head may have very different plans, so be warned. I will be watching you and if I so much as catch a glimpse of ole' blue eyes, I have a couple of good friends that will make your death look very much like an accident. Are we clear?"

"If I begin to lose control again, I will beg you to take my life. I cannot… I will not ever do that to her again."

Isabela smiled a sinister grin at him. "I will be glad to honor your request."

"Are we through here?" Anders asked coldly.

"Yes, I do believe our business is concluded," Isabela said as she spun on her heels and headed back to her room.

Anders calmed himself as he closed the door behind him and made his way over to the tub. He slipped his hand into the water to feel the temperature. The water had rapidly cooled in a short period of time and he needed to get her out before she caught a chill. He grabbed a towel and gently shook her awake. Through veiled, tired lids, she looked up at him. She was so incredibly beautiful and it amazed him that she was still able to steal his breath away with a mere glance.

"Love, the water is cold, you need to get out before you get sick," Anders stated as he held the towel wide for her. She climbed out of the tub, turned her back to him and he wrapped it around her. He quickly dried her off, slid her night shirt over her head, led her over to the bed and eased her under the covers. He sat beside her and watched her sleep for the longest time. She was everything good in his life and without her, he was nothing. Eventually, he pulled out his bedroll and spread it out on the floor beside her. He reached up and clasped her hand as he drifted off to sleep.

During the night, a terrible storm rolled in from the sea and as a loud clap of thunder broke the silence, Anders felt Rylee jump in bed as she sat up startled. He sat up and gently stroked her cheek. "It's okay, Love, it was just thunder."

"Anders, why are you sleeping on the floor?"

"I-I didn't want to presume…" his voice trailed off.

Her hand came up and tenderly squeezed his. "I'm cold, so you must be freezing. Please join me and keep me warm."

She didn't have to ask him twice. He slid in behind her and pulled her against his chest. She was so soft and she smelled wonderful. Maker, he missed just taking comfort in the feel of her against him.

"Anders?"

"Yes."

"Is Justice still with you?"

"Yes."

"Does he regret what he did?"

Anders was quiet for a long moment before he answered, "I haven't heard from Justice since you refused to kill us, but he believes what was done was justice for what had been done to the mages, so I doubt he regrets it."

"And what about justice for the innocent lives that were lost that day?"

"They were supposed to receive their justice and vengeance at your hand."

"What?"

"I was supposed to die that day. That was Justice's plan. The Chantry was for the mages, my death for the innocent lives that were lost."

She was quiet for a long time before she spoke again. "That's fucked up, Anders. Please tell me you see how fucked up that is."

"Ry, the months leading up to the fall of the Chantry are very hazy to me. At that point, Justice had almost completely taken control of me most of the time, so the lines between what was real and what wasn't, what was my thoughts and what was Justice's, had completely blurred. Now that he has retreated to the back of my mind, things have become much clearer. I disagree with a lot of what we did, Rylee, but I do agree with Justice on some points. Something drastic needed to happen to make people see that all man deserve basic civil rights and that fear and prejudice are not reasons to be inhuman or to enslave humans or elves. If I had been completely myself, killing a bunch of innocent people would not have been my first choice, but I can't change what we have done. I can only learn to live with it and somehow figure out a way to make things better for mages."

Anders could feel her heart pounding in her chest as she asked her next question. "The last time we made love, who was I with?"

Anders slid his hand underneath her chin and titled her head back so that she could look into his eyes. "When we have been with each other intimately, it has only been me that has been with you. I have always fought to make sure that it was only me with you. Ry, please know how much I love you and how much it kills me to know the pain that I have caused you. I promise you with my very life that I will make it up to you. I will bring joy and happiness back into your life, if you only give me the chance."

She turned in his arms to face him, her hands clasped his face, "I never doubted your love for me, Anders. I doubted your will to live. I could feel your despair and hopelessness because you were losing yourself to that Spirit, and you lacked the strength to fight him. The only thing I could think to do was reach out to you and try to make you feel how much I loved you… to give you something to hold onto… to give you hope."

Anders crushed his lips to hers and greedily drank in the sweet honey taste of her lips. Her hands slid through his hair to the nape of his neck as she generously opened herself up to him. "Oh Ry," he moaned against her lips. "It's only because of you, that I was able to hold on and not let the darkness completely consume me." His lips moved across her cheek to her ear, he nibbled and sucked as he whispered. "Love, you saved… not just my life. You saved my mind… my soul." His lips trailed down her neck. "You're my refuge…" Through the thin material of her night shirt his lips clasped over her taut nipple. She arched into him and moaned. "You're my safe haven." He slid his hand up under her shirt and cupped her supple mounds in his palms. He ran his thumb over the peeked nub, played and twirled them with his fingers. "Ry, I love you so much," he groaned as his lips captured hers again and he was lost in the taste of her, in the feel of her, the heat that radiated off of her, but he also sensed in her a hesitation… an uncertainty.

Anders pulled back, cupped her face and whispered, "Love, I have put you through so much lately. I don't want to rush this. I love you and I want you, but I want you to want this too, without any reservations about me or us."

She leaned in tenderly kissed him, "Thank you, Anders. I do love you and I want to be with you. I just need…"

"You need time and I am willing to give you all the time you need," Anders said as he kissed her forehead. She snuggled underneath his chin and drifted back to sleep.

The following day, the storm continued to rage outside, making travel to Vigil's Keep impossible, but after being on ship for six weeks, both Rylee and Anders had cabin fever, so with the hoods of their travel cloaks pulled up to conceal their faces, they ventured out into the streets. For the most part, the market was closed due to the storm and most citizens with a lick of common sense were indoors, but despite the rain, it felt good to both of them to get out and stretch their legs. They had been walking around for about an hour when the steady rain turned into a torrential down pour. Anders recognized the passage door to the old smuggler's hideout. He hoped that their lair remained abandoned. He pulled Rylee by the arm toward the door and explained that it lead to a storage room in the Crown and Lion. Looking like a drowned rat, Rylee eagerly agreed to give it a try.

They eased their way down the dark passageway to the open underground dock. Rylee drew her daggers as she slipped into the shadows beside Anders. They eased their way into the room, Anders sensed magic in the area, but he couldn't tell if it had been recently used or if it was flowing from someone until he felt the veil open, he immediately cast a repulsion spell just before the stonefist spell would have hit him square in the chest. He staggered a little, but remained on his feet.

His staff at the ready, he yelled, "Stop being a pussy, show yourself and fight like a man."

"But I'm not a man," said a cool, crisp feminine voice.

"Well at least I got the pussy part right," Anders said smugly and he heard the unmistakable giggle of Rylee to his right.

"Vulgar and cocky as ever I see, Sparkle Fingers," Oghren said as he emerged from behind several crates with a beautiful elf mage that Anders immediately recognized as Neria Surana from the Ferelden Circle. Anders relaxed his stance and as he did so, Rylee slipped out of the shadows by his side.

"Well, if it isn't my drunken midget friend, what brings you to this part of the Amaranthine?" Anders asked.

"Oh some damn, dumbass, fool, Warden apostate, went and blew up the Kirkwall chantry. Maybe you heard about it. Now we are stuck cleaning up his mess," Oghren grunted.

"That is a lot of adjectives for one mage, but you did leave out the most important ones, such as incredibly handsome, extremely charming and amazingly talented," Anders chuckled.

"Well fart me a lullaby, a mage that is humble, you don't see that every day," Oghren replied sarcastically.

"Wow, a dwarf that doesn't smells like a brewery…. _Shocker!"_ Anders exclaimed mockingly.

"Aaah, my lovely Champion," Zevran cooed as he materialized out of the shadows beside Rylee, he took her hand, brought it to his lips and kissed her. "It is good to see you again, la mia bellezza mortale."

Rylee smiled her most roguish grin at the assassin. "The pleasure is all mine," she purred.

"It could be, my sweet," Zev mused.

"I see the over-zealous elf never fails to make an appearance either," Anders retorted.

"Over-zealous? That's rich, coming from a jealous mage with twitchy fingers," Zev chortled.

"I have nothing to be jealous of where you're concerned," Anders replied.

"Not to worry. I know I am way out of your league, mage. You would have a much better chance competing against Oghren, but your lovely companion is right up my alley," Zevran said as he ogled Rylee.

"My lovely companion _is out_ of your league, Elf... way out," Anders replied curtly.

"I am sure I have many skills that would appeal to a delicious Goddess such as her," Zevran said as he winked at Ry.

"Why don't you both just whip her over a barrel and get done with it. We came here for a reason, remember?" Oghren grumbled.

"So what exactly is a Warden, a mage and an assassin doing down here?" Rylee asked.

"Sounds like the beginning of a bad joke," Oghren said.

"Or a good one depending on the punch-line," Neira mused.

Anders smiled at the young mage, "I always did like you, Neira."

"Well, it's hard to believe you ever had time to notice me with all that escaping and plotting to escape," Neira said with grin.

"Always had time to notice a pretty girl," Anders chuckled. Rylee cocked an eyebrow at him. Anders just shrugged. "What?"

"Who are you and what have you done with my surly Anders?"

"Oh, that guy? He was depressing the hell out of me, so I knocked him out and took his place when I saw the beauty walking beside him," Anders purred, but Rylee only rolled her eyes.

Now it was Zev's turn to raise an eyebrow and chuckle, "That was smooth, my friend."

"Be ready to take notes, 'cause I'm only getting started," Anders laughed.

"Again with the cocky," Oghren muttered.

Zev threw his arm around Anders' shoulder, "I think I'm going to like you."

"I swear by my ancestors, if I see one more cocky or oh so charming person in this group, I'm gonna put on a dress and start flirting with you," Oghren grunted.

"Stop being such a cocky blocker, dwarf," Rylee replied and both Zev and Anders burst out laughing.

"I agree with Rylee, quit trying to keep a good cocky down," Neria chortled and this time even Oghren began to laugh.

After gaining control of himself, Zev stepped forward, waved an arm toward a campfire and the group made their way over. Once settled, he began, "Well as my stout friend started to say, your little revolution has caused big ripples. The Ferelden Circle has all, but fallen. Mages are running free, templars are hunting them down and killing them. The apostates are turning to the one person that they know has enough power and influence to help them..."

"Lillah," both Anders and Rylee said in unison.

Zev nodded, "Yes, Lillah, but as you know, a Warden must remain politically neutral, so the Commander has set-up a secret organization to help move and hide mages. Lil, uses this area as a safe house and as a way to move mages out of Amaranthine by boat."

Anders grinned, "I always knew Lil would stand up for mages when push came to shove."

"So what brings you and your delizioso trattare here?" Zev asked.

"My delicious treat and I are here to see Lillah," Anders retorted. Zev raised an eyebrow as Anders leaned forward and continued, "Parlo correntemente Antivan. Modo da tenere a mente quando la tua che compongono i nomi carino per lei."

Zev burst out laughing, "You, my friend, are full of surprises."

Rylee's eyes narrowed, "You most certainly are."

"What did he say?" Oghren asked.

"He basically warned me that he speaks Antivan fluently and to be careful with the pet names I give her," Zev chuckled.

Rylee continued to stare at Anders with a stunned expression, "I've known you for seven years and not once did you let on that you could speak Antivan."

"There was never a need for it. What's the big deal?" Anders said defensively.

Rylee threw her hands up in disgust. "Imbécile, si tu m'avais dit des cochonneries en Antivan, je t'aurais laissé te glisser sous mes draps bien plus tôt.."

Zev started to laugh so hard he fell off of the log.

"What did she say?" Neria asked.

Rylee shook her head no and Zev nodded. He leaned over and whispered so that only Oghren and Neria could hear, "In Orlesian, she called him a stupid boy and told him that if he had talked dirty to her in Antivan she would have let him into her pants a lot sooner."

Anders eyes went wide with desire, but his eyes flickered over to their audience so he adjusted what he was going to say to her. "Mon doux amour, si j'avais su que parler une autre langue te faisait tant d'effets, ç'aurait été un plaisir de décrire en détail toutes les délicieuses choses que je souhaite te faire.."

Neria was on the edge of her seat with anticipation. "What did he say?"

Zev smiled with approval. "He said in perfect Orlesian, 'My sweet Love, if I had known that speaking another language made you hot, it would have been my pleasure to describe in detail, all the delicious things I want to do to you'."

"Aaah, that so sweet," Neria cooed.

"I think I just threw up in my mouth," Oghren groaned.

Rylee's eyes met Anders and for the first time in months he saw hunger, yearning and most importantly, love. "Amour, je crois que je te prendrais ici même si nous n'avions pas autant de spectateurs, mais sois sûr que dès que nous rentrerons je compte bien te baiser follement. Et Zev, si tu répètes ça, je te coupe les bourses."

Even though he was incredibly turned on, Anders couldn't help but laugh at her threat to the assassin. Maker, he loved that woman and now his mind was reeling from all the things he wanted to do to her and say to her.

"What did she say?" Neria asked.

Before Zev could reply Anders said, "The first part is between Rylee and myself and unfortunately Zev, but Rylee did mention permanently removing the assassin's balls if he ever repeats what she said."

Both Oghren and Neira burst out laughing. "She's feisty like the Commander. I'm going to like her," Oghren stated.

"So how is that you know how to speak Antivan and Orlesian, Anders?" Neria asked.

"Well, besides practicing spells and making out with pretty girls, there wasn't a lot to do in the Circle. I figured that learning to speak other languages might come in handy during one of my many escapes." Anders turned to Rylee, "Where did you learn?"

"My father and for the same reasons you learned. As apostates, he knew that running from the templars could take us anywhere. He wanted us to be able to fit in wherever our feet landed, so learning Antivan and Orlesian were a part of our education."

Zev looked at Rylee with admiration. "Your father was a very wise man."

She smiled, "Yes, he was."

Anders eyed her suspiciously, "And why in seven years did you never let on that could speak Antivan and Orlesian?"

"Because the fewer people who knew what was I capable of the more they would underestimate. If they knew I was bilingual they would assume I was educated and then conclude that I was well trained," Rylee stated matter-of-factly.

Zev laughed, "Spoken like a true assassin. Are you sure we haven't met before, maybe in some dark seedy alley."

"If we had you wouldn't be here to ask that question," Rylee replied dryly.

Zev burst out laughing. "Wow, Anders you certainly have your hands full with this one. If she ever becomes too much for you to handle, I would be happy to step in."

Anders grinned at the assassin sardonically, "That is very generous, but your services won't be required."

Zev chuckled. "Well, let me know if you change your mind. Now, Anders, if you plan on traveling to Vigil's Keep, then it would be wise if we traveled with you. Besides the fact that there are templars hunting mages, there have been a group of knights with a Starkhaven accent inquiring about you and Rylee," Zev explained.

Rylee nodded in agreement. "I think that would be best. Hopefully the weather will clear up so that we can leave in the morning. In the meantime, Zev, I do believe that there is a certain pirate wench who is staying at the Crown and Lion who would love the pleasure of your company, and it would keep her out of my hair for the night."

"Yes, I do believe you had plans to…" Zev stopped midsentence as Rylee pulled out her dagger, pretended to be grabbing his family jewels with one hand and cutting them off with the other. Zev smiled and cleared his throat, "Let's just say you had plans."

Rylee winked at the assassin. "You're a quick learner."

"Yes, well I like everything exactly where it is," Zev chuckled.

The group quickly broke down camp and began to move through the tunnel toward the tavern. Rylee and Anders were bringing up the rear. She spun to face him and grinned. "Vous fait me baise dans Le port d'Amaranthine ?"

Anders laughed as he remembered the old word game they use to play and his mind went back to a time when things between them were new, no pain had yet to mare their relationship and he would fight with everything he had to get them back to that place. "Tu me prendrais dans le port d'Amaranthine "

Rylee giggle just as Zev appeared behind them. "Oh, I'm going to enjoy traveling with the two of you. You're so much dirtier than the Hero and that stuffy king."

"Keep pulling that sneaking up on me shit and you will find out just how dirty I can be," Rylee said dryly.

"Oooo, I love a naughty rogue," Zev chortled.

"I don't think she means dirty in the good, naughty way. Go back to the image of her cutting off your berries. I'm pretty sure that is what she is referring to," Anders chuckled.

Zev scowled at both of them, "I like my definition better."

Both Anders and Rylee laughed as she took his hand in hers. He looked into her eyes and he saw hope shining back at him. He knew that they still had a long ways to go, but he had enough faith in them that together he knew they could overcome anything and he was willing to do whatever it took make them work.

**A/N - La mia bellezza mortale Italian for my deadly beauty**

***A huge thank you to Morlanwen for translating the French in this chapter. You rock!  
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***Rylee's declaration to Anders: Love, I believe that I would take you right here if we did not have preying eyes, but rest assured when I get you back to the room I plan on fucking you silly. And Zev if you repeat that I will cut your balls off.**

***Translation for Rylee and Anders word game - Rylee: Would you take me in the Port of Amaranthine? Anders: I have a big boat that needs to be in your dock.**

***** **A huge thank you to those of you, who have favored, alerted and reviewed. You make my day so much brighter. I look forward to hearing your thoughts.**

***I am about to go on vacation so please be patient for the next update.**

***Jinxy Pooh, "thank you" can never be enough for your outstanding insight, snarky wit and putting up with my insane writing schedule. You are a beast! Thank you for all you do.**


	15. Chapter 15 Breath

**Chapter 14 - Breath**

"You take the breath right out of me; you left a hole where my heart should be.  
>You got to fight just to make it through, 'cause I will be the death of you.<br>This will be all over soon, pour salt into the open wound. Is it over yet? Let me in.  
>So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left. I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.<br>I'm going all the way, get away, please."

_Breath by Breaking Benjamin_

The following morning their group started out towards Vigil's Keep; all of the companions a little worse for wear after the large amounts of alcohol that had been consumed at the tavern, the night before. Anders didn't realize how much he had missed the comradery of close friends. The years that led up to the fall of the Chantry, Anders had distanced himself from all of Rylee's travel companions. He rarely saw them socially and remained elusive even when he traveled with them. However, now with Justice no longer screaming in his head he had thoroughly enjoyed the evening of witty repartee and storytelling. It was also the most relaxed and at ease that he had seen Rylee in months.

Unfortunately, by the time the two of them had made it back to their room, she was exhausted and had fallen asleep before her head even hit the pillow. So no big boat docking had happened, but that was just as well. He didn't want to rush things with her. He wanted Rylee to emotionally be ready to be with him, not just physically ready.

He glanced over at her and she smiled back at him. "A sovereign for your thoughts," Anders said.

She giggled. "A whole sovereign, my inflation really has taken its toll."

"No, just your thoughts are worth that much."

"My thoughts are very dangerous and extremely sinful," Rylee purred as devilish grin spread across her face.

"I do believe those are my favorite kinds of thoughts," Anders replied coyly.

"I like sinful thoughts too, La mia bellezza mortale," Zev cooed as he rode up beside them and looked hungrily at Rylee. "Lust is one of my favorites, followed closely by fornication."

"Murder is rising to the top of my list," Anders grunted.

"Oh, that is up there for me too," Zev purred.

"I'm fond of 'the death of the overly charming assassin who royally pissed off the mage'," Anders growled.

"Ooo, that sounds like a title for a really good suspense book," Rylee chuckled.

"I'm always up for a sexually explicit suspense novel," Neria mused.

Rylee's eyebrows furrowed, "What do they teach you mages in the Circle?"

Anders laughed, "Trust me, we had a lot of free time on our hands to explore other avenues."

"Well, this book would only be a best-seller as long as the handsome assassin wins the battle of course," Zev chortled.

"He doesn't," Anders grunted.

"Well, then he should at least have torrid night of unbelievably exquisite hot sex with the charmingly beautiful heroine before he die!" Zev declared.

"No! He dies homeless, penniless and loveless!" Anders exclaimed.

"Sounds like a stupid book," Zev observed.

"I think I would read it if both the mage and the assassin died horrific and grotesque deaths," Oghren grunted.

"Oh, you can read dwarf," Isabela mused.

"Reading is easy, compared to all the other things I can do. Stringing up smart-ass pirate wenches by their toes only being one of them."

"Oooh, are you gonna tickle me with a feather afterwards?" Isabela cooed.

Oghren squinted as he looked at her, "Would you like that?" She nodded vigorously. "Then no!"

Isabela feigned a pout and a tear. "Stop that woman! Your wily ways don't work on me."

"That sounds like a challenge, my dear Isabela," Zev chuckled.

"It's an easy one too. All I need to do is get in a bath filled with Valenta's Red and wait. The dwarf won't be able to resist."

"It will take more than ale to entice me, wench!" Oghren bellowed.

"Oghren my friend, you couldn't resist a flask of ale if it was buried in a pile of bronto dung, let alone an entire tub filled with ale, even if it did come with a woman in it," Zev chortled.

The teasing chatter continued on for the next couple of hours as they made their way toward the Keep. They were reaching the edge of the forest that sat on the hilltop when a dozen large well armed men in skirts stepped out from the trees. "Halt!" the biggest soldier said as he stepped forward.

"Who the bloody hell are you and why are you wearing those silly looking skirts?" Isabela asked.

"Me name isAonghasan, ay am Captain o' de Starkhaven royal knights," the tall knight said.

"With a name like Aonghasan, he's bound to go 'muhaha' at some point," Rylee chuckled.

"Wow, Sebastian wasn't screwing around when he said he was coming for your ass, Rylee. I always knew he had a hard on for you, but damn when it comes to revenge, that man didn't waste any time," Isablea pondered.

"We ur lookin' fur a cheil an' a hen 'at fit th' description ay those tois there," a tall lanky man beside the Captain said.

"Maker's hairy arse, what the hell did he just say?" Anders asked.

"I understand a little of the Starkhaven brogue and I believe he said, 'We are looking for a man and a woman that fit the description of those two there'," Zev translated.

"Who the bloody hell is he calling a 'hen'?," Rylee demanded.

"Kitten, I believe he was referring to you," Isabela whispered.

"Does that make Anders 'the cock'?" Oghren grunted as he trotted his horse to front of the group and addressed the leader, "I don't give a nug's arse who you are looking for. We are Grey Wardens heading to Vigil's Keep. You have no business with us. Now get your skirt covered sissy ass out of my way before I run you over."

"Sorry, but we arenae leavin' withit them tois," the leader said as he raised his sword and pointed it at Anders.

"Translation!" Oghren hollered.

"Sorry, but we aren't leaving without those two," Zev decoded.

"Right, so this calls for a fight then? Excellent, 'cause I was just looking for an excuse to see if they were wearing any smalls under those skirts," Rylee purred in her most dangerous voice.

"Ooohh, I wanna see too! I like the way you think," Isabela mused.

The warning bell from the tower began to ring out as the Keep's massive gates opened. Zev rode up beside Oghren, "As my stout friend said, they are Wardens and Starkhaven soldiers have no authority here in Ferelden or with the Wardens. Now you might want to put your sword away before you hurt yourself with it," Zev said sarcastically.

"Sorry, but it's ye 'at will be th' a body gettin' hurt." There was no need for interpretation as all the soldiers drew their swords. Both Rylee and Isabela leapt from their horses and disappeared into the shadows before they even landed on the ground. Anders immediately cast a repulsion spell that knocked at least five of the men to the ground. Anders jumped from his horse as he scanned for Rylee. Both of the rogues appeared behind the leader. Isabela drove her dagger into the warrior's back then leapt backwards evading the assault from his shield. Unfortunately, Rylee delayed her retreat by a few seconds and the edge of the shield caught her in the side, knocking her to the ground. Anders immediately froze the soldier in place and then hit him with several fireballs before the man collapsed.

The skirmish waged on, a dozen Wardens from the Keep joined the battle and Anders felt as if they were just starting to get the upper hand when he felt the pommel of a sword collide with his temple. His head began to spin as his vision blurred. He felt another strike against his temple and then everything went black as he felt his body falling.

The first thing Anders felt was the warmth of healing magic wash over him. It was strong magic from a powerful mage. "Anders," a familiar voice called out. He felt another wave of magic as the voice called him again.

He struggled to open his eyes; his vision was fuzzy as he tried to focus on the figure kneeling in front of him. As his vision became clear he was staring into the beautiful face of Lillah. He smiled at her and she smiled back as she said, "Welcome back."

"What the hell happened?"

"You were knocked unconscious during the battle," Lillah replied.

"What battle?"

Lillah raised an eyebrow, "The skirmish with the Starkhaven Knights."

Just then on the other side of him a dark haired beauty knelt down beside him. Her resemblance to Lillah was remarkable. She rested her hand on his arm, "Anders, how are you feeling?'

"Aaah, I feel fine," Anders said as he focused on her face. She was just as beautiful as Lillah, but she had this long mane of mahogany red hair. "Wow, you have to be related to Lil."

Her eyebrows furrowed as she looked at him and then back at Lillah. "Anders, you know we are cousins."

"How would I know that?"

"Ry, its normal after receiving such a traumatic blow to the head to be disoriented and confused," Lillah explained.

"I'm not confused," Anders argued.

_**You're very confused! **_

Anders shot up and looked around at the group looking down at him.

"Where's Justice?"

Now every member of the group looked at him completely stunned and as if he had just grown a third eye.

"Aaah Anders, Justice died during the battle of the Keep," Lillah said.

"No he didn't, I just heard him," Anders said as panic began to raise his voice.

_**You idiot, I'm in your head!**_

The girl with the mahogany hair stepped forward, "Anders, Justice is a part of you… remember."

"What!" Both he and Lillah explained.

_**She's right. Listen to her, Anders.**_

"What the fuck! Lil, you had to have heard that!" Anders looked at Lillah desperately.

Lillah looked at him like he had lost his mind.

"This is a trick isn't it? Tell me you're joking," Anders begged.

_**Nope, I'm right here. **_

"I've lost my mind. I am officially several mages short of a Circle."

"Look, let's get to the Keep and I can explain everything," the dark haired doppelganger said and there was pain in her voice and eyes.

They all agreed, picked up their belongings and headed for the Wardens home. A short while later they arrived in the throne room and all eyes turned to look at mahogany haired beauty.

She took a deep breath and then explained how Anders had invited the Spirit of Justice into him to help him fight for the rights of mages. She went on to explain how over the past six years, Justice slowly started to take over Anders driving him relentlessly to fight nonstop to free mages. How the Spirit was the driving force behind the fall of the Chantry, but had gone silent up until minutes after the attack.

Anders stumbled back as the weight of her story crashed over him. He stared at her in horror as she relayed the things that lead up to the destruction of the Chantry and the loss of innocent lives that he was responsible for. He shook his head vigorously. "No, no, no, no…. I would never do that. I would never take the lives of innocent people. I'm a healer… I'm dedicated to saving lives. You're wrong! You have me mistaken for someone else. You're lying!"

"She isn't lying, Anders!" The woman dressed as a wench exclaimed as stepped up to stand beside Lillah's cousin.

Lillah's cousin stepped toward him and looked at him compassionately, "I understand this is a lot to take in, Love…"

"Love? I don't know you," Anders said defiantly.

"Yes, you do, Anders. We have lived together for the past six years…"

"I don't know you. I have no memory of you," Anders said as the enormity of everything began to crash in around him. "The last thing I remember is rushing back to the Keep after the battle with the Brood Mother…." Anders looked at her sympathetically as her eyes began to well with tears. "I'm sorry… I'm so sorry, but I don't recognize you."

"Lillah, how long… how long will this memory loss last," Lillah's cousin asked.

"It could be just temporary and his memory could all come flooding back to him as soon as he relaxes and his mind has time to process recent events or it could take months or in extreme cases it could be permanent."

The rogue quickly wiped away a tear that slid down her cheek as she gave a curt nod. Anders felt sorry for her and he wished he could remember her, but nothing came to him. However, when he looked at Lillah all of the love, hurt and anger that he felt for her was right there on surface. He ached for her and what they had once shared.

Lillah stepped forward and examined Anders in the eyes. "I want to speak to Justice," she demanded.

Anders took a step back from her. "Aaah, I don't think it works like that. I just hear him in my head."

"Well, I don't believe any of this crazy bullshit. So unless I can speak to Justice, I believe you're off your rocker, Anders."

_**Let me speak with the Commander. **_

_No! I have no idea who you are, but you aren't about to take over my body._

_**Anders, I am your friend and I have been with you for the past seven years. I can help the Commander understand. **_

"Well, do I get to speak to Justice or do I have you locked up for insanity?" Lillah demanded.

Anders felt the Spirit surge forward catching him off guard. He felt his body shake as a bright light shot out of him. Then it was if he was watching from a distance as a strange voice came out of his mouth. "Commander, it's good to see you again. We have missed you."

Lillah's eyes narrowed skeptically as she studied him. "You've missed me, huh? Well, I've missed the real Justice too."

"I am the real Justice."

"The real Justice died over seven years. For all I know you're a demon."

"I am no demon!"

"Prove it," Lillah demanded.

Justice pondered the request then spoke, "Once on our way back from the Wending Wood, while you and I were on guard duty, you told me about the time that the templars dragged you away from your uncle and how your uncle fought to defend and save you. There weren't enough templars to capture both you and your uncle at that time. It was several months later that you heard the news that your uncle had been killed by templars and you just knew it was your fault because he had defended you. It was your fault that Rylee and her siblings were denied their father and the guilt of that weighed on you daily."

Lillah looked at him completely astonished. "By the Maker, Justice, is that really you?"

"Yes, Commander, it's really me."

"Wow," was all she could manage as her hands and body trembled. Anders wanted to reach out for her to comfort her, but Justice was still in control and he turned his attention to the rogue that Anders now assumed was Rylee.

Lillah's cousin was visibly shaken and the story must have been a huge revelation to her. Rylee went to her cousin and embraced her. "Oh Lil, I wish you would have told me this years ago. I could have saved you a lot of heartache. My father's death wasn't your fault. He was killed by a rogue templar who stumbled across him by accident. The man never even gave my father a chance to turn himself in. The templar drained him of his mana and then drove a sword through his h-heart," Rylee explained as struggled to control her emotions. Lillah burst into tears as the two cousins hugged each other.

Anders didn't know the young rogue at all but his heart ached for her. However, Justice was now screaming in his head.

_Maker's breath could you shut the hell up? How am I supposed to even think with all that racket?  
><em>  
><em><strong>Anders you should be outraged. This is the woman that you love, her father was murdered in cold blood by a templar and all you can do is ask me to be quiet.<strong>_  
><em><br>Love her? I don't even know her. I've never even seen her until this morning._  
><em><strong><br>You have been in love with her for the past six years. You're bonded souls.  
><strong>_  
><em>Holy hell, now I'm not just in love with her, but were bonded souls. By Andraste's sweet twat, this is absolutely insane. I'm supposed to take the words of crazy voice in my head and this woman that I've never seen before.<em>

_**Look at the matching rings on your fingers. You committed yourself for life to this woman three years ago.**_

Anders looked at the ring on his finger and then caught a glimpse of a similar ring on hers. He stumbled back at the shock of this new revelation.

_If we are bonded souls shouldn't I feel something towards her… some unexplainable attraction._

_**Your body and mind has had a huge shock. Give it time; I'm sure the bond between you will surface.**_

_And what if I don't want it to surface?_

_**Then you're a bigger fool then I thought.**_

As the moon filtered through the window, Anders sat on his bed and looked at the commitment ring on his finger. Even though he had no memories, he knew himself well enough to know that for him to go through a commitment ceremony, he would have to love that person deeply, intensely, and passionately. He loved Lillah, but he didn't think he loved her profoundly enough to give her a commitment ring and bind himself to her for the rest of his life. Anders knew and respected the commitment ritual and he would have never taken such a vow lightly. Wearing this ring he knew he had to have loved Rylee on a very deep, intense and intimate level, but if their bond was so strong, why couldn't he remember a damn thing about her? If they were bonded souls, then even without the memories of her, wouldn't his soul recognize her soul?

_**Anders, give it time. You haven't spent any time alone with her to connect with her. Your mind has been injured and then you had some very startling news revealed about your past. You just need time.**_

_Why do you care if I connect with her?_

_**Because I wronged her and I want to make amends.**_

_How did you wrong her?_

There was a long pause before the Spirit replied. _**It's not important. I just need to make it up to her.**_

Anders needed some fresh air to think. He got up, swiftly moved through the Keep and headed out toward the gardens. He started down a path that he remembered as his favorite. The scent of lavender wafted up from the flowers and something familiar tickled at the back of his mind as a feeling of comfort and being loved washed over him.

He heard a noise and paused as he tried to identify the source. A few seconds later, he heard it again and it sounded like a muffled cry. He hoped no one was injured as he hurried toward the noise. He rounded a bush and stopped dead in his tracks at the sight before him. Rylee and the pirate wench, Isabela, were in the clearing. Rylee had her hands pressed to tree and she was bent at the waist as if in pain. Isabela had her hand resting on her back as if trying to comfort her. Was the beautiful rogue injured? Anders heart ached at the thought.

"I-I can't b-breath, Bells. It h-hurts so bad," she sobbed as her voice broke. She grasped at her chest with one hand. "It's f-fucking killing me."

"Oh Ry, I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could do," Isabela said softly.

Anders started to step forward to offer her healing when her next words stopped him dead in his tracks.

"H-how much pain is one person supposed to endure before they finally break?" She broke down weeping as she rested her head against the trunk of the tree. "He broke my heart for three years… but I held on, Bells. I refused to let him go. I refused let him lose himself. I had to save him… from himself… from Justice and just when I thought I had him back… I've lost him again… b-but now I've truly lost him. I-I am a complete stranger to him. All of the l-love… all those beautiful memories… gone… completely gone…"

Rylee turned to face Isabela, but her strength gave out and she crumbled to her knees. The pirate fell on her knees in front of her and pulled her into her arms. "He b-broke me… he's finally broken me…"

Isabela rocked the fragile rogue back and forth as she tried to comfort her. "Sssssh, Ry…. it will be okay. Somehow, it will work out."

Anders turned from the scene and clasped his heart. He felt such an unexplained pain there and his body trembled at the agony that he was obviously causing her. Every fiber in his being wanted to take that ache away to somehow make things better for her, but he had no idea how.

He dashed away from the scene toward the Keep and ran straight into Lillah. She grabbed his arms to steady him. She looked up at him and then gently wiped a tear from his check. "Anders, why are you crying?"

"I've c-caused her so much pain… I can feel her anguish… it's killing me and I don't know why. I have no memory of her… I have no emotions for her, but her pain is so excruciating. I want to make it stop, but I can't. I-I can't pretend to feel something I don't. It isn't fair to her or me."

"Anders, you feel her pain because you are bonded to her even though you have no memory of her. You need to give yourself time. Stop adding additional pressure on yourself and relax. It's the only way your memories are going to come back to you."

"Well, that's kind of hard to do when I have everyone looking at me like I'm some kind of monster. I'm slowly killing the woman that is my bonded soul mate, I have soldiers from Starkhaven after me, and oh yeah, templars are hunting me for an act of terrorism that I don't even remember doing. So maybe you can understand if I'm finding it a bit difficult to relax."

Lillah slipped her hand through Anders' arm and began to lead him back towards the Keep. "Come with me, my dear mage, let's go to my office and have a rather large glass of brandy. That might help you relax some."

The following morning, Anders woke to the sounds of loud cheers coming from the sparring ring below his window. He got out of bed, opened the shutters and looked down at the crowd gathered around the ring as the Wardens sparred against each other. Anders quickly got dressed and rushed down to the ring. He passed several Wardens on his way and heard one of them say, "She's amazing. She took on three warriors all at once. She quickly disarmed them and had them begging for mercy. If she became a Warden, she and the Commander would be an unstoppable force."

Anders pushed his way through the crowd to the fence and watched as the Champion of Kirkwall taunted both Zev and Nathaniel.

"Really, La mia bellezza mortale, don't you think it's kind of arrogant to think that you can take on both me and Nate. I know you defeated the Arishok in single combat, but seriously, the two of us are experienced fighters who have fought together numerous times," Zev said calmly to try to pacify her.

_Maker, she has to be an extraordinary fighter to defeat the Arishok in single combat._

_**She is magnificent and these two are no match for her.**_

_Why do I get the feeling you are trying to build her up in my mind?_

The Spirit did not reply.

The sound of Rylee's voice pulled him from of his thoughts. "Arrogance would be to claim that I can have you begging for mercy at the count of three, when in fact, I can only do it in five," Rylee said as she gave the assassin the most sexy, roguish grin he had ever seen and his heart skipped a beat.

"My lovely lady, you can have me begging for mercy any time your heart so desires," Zev purred.

"My heart only desires to see the day that you admit I'm wittier than you, prettier than you…" in a flash she had disappeared and reappeared behind the assassin with her blunted blade at his throat. "…and quicker than you."

Zev burst out laughing. "Oooh, so you want to play dirty…" Zev grabbed her forearm, bent forward and pulled her over his shoulder. She landed on her back staring up at him. "…then dirty it is. I like dirty." The assassin cooed as he started to bring his sword down, but she arched her back, bent her knees, used her arms to push herself off of the ground as leapt to her feet she quickly rolled out of his way.

"You clearly forget that I've spent years visiting Lowtown. I know all about playing dirty. Dirty is not as bad as being a sinful scoundrel," she said as she slipped into shadows and appeared behind him once more, eased her one dagger against his throat and the other against his groin, "Let's see how dirty I can be. Which would you like to keep? Your manhood or your beautiful neck?"

Along with the crowd Anders burst out laughing as Isabela slid up beside him. "Is she always so feisty when she fights?"

Isabela chuckled. "This is her playing nice because she actually likes Zev. If she didn't, there would be a lot more blood mixed in with all that witty repartee."

Another loud cheer went up from the crowd. Half cheering for his neck and half for his manhood, but before she react, two large arms of Nate encircled her. She released her grip on Zev just enough to bring her legs up between them then using his back as leverage she pushed with all her might. Zev flew forward as Nate stumbled backwards, but his big strong arms held onto her tightly.

Zev recovered his balance and spun to face his captured prey. He grinned slyly at her, "It seems you were a little too confident. I shall have to take advantage of that."

Just as Zev raced toward her, Rylee threw her head forward then slammed it back into Nate's head, he howled in pain as his nose broke, blood spraying everywhere. He dropped Rylee and she rolled out of the way just as Zev collided into the broad chest of his fellow fighter, knocking both of them to the ground. The crowd cheered and then began to chant Rylee's name.

"It would seem that she doesn't like Nate as much," Isabela chortled.

Anders watched in fascination as she out maneuvered both of the other rogues and a scene flashed across his mind.

_The Arishok brought down his sword, Rylee rolled toward him, and she came up beside him just as the Qunari began to rise from his missed attack. She brought her dagger back and drove it into the Arishok's neck. He stumbled backwards as she drove her other blade into his stomach. As she withdrew her dagger from his neck, blood began to flow freely; he grabbed the gaping hole in his neck as he fell backwards. Rylee staggered up to him, holding her side, but keeping her head and back straight. The Arishok pointed at her and sneered, "One d-day we shall return." Then he fell back dead. At first, the room was silent with amazement at what they had just witnessed, then a loud cheer went up as the room erupted into a frenzy of excitement._

_Did you just show that to me?_

_**Yes!**_

_Is that what happened with the Arishok?_

_**Yes!**_

_So you still have my memories?_

_**Yes!**_

_So you can show me the life that I had with her?_

_**Yes, when you're ready.**_

_I'm ready now._

_**No, you're not. You are still holding onto Lillah. You need to release her as part of your past, not a part of your future.**_

_How the hell am I supposed to do that?_

_**That is something you need to figure out, Anders. I can show you pieces of your life with Rylee, but they won't be complete memories because they won't have the emotions attached to them. That memory with the Arishok, that day you were terrified, Anders. The fear of losing her nearly overwhelmed you. In all the time that I had known you, not once did I ever heard you pray, but on that day you begged the Maker to save her and not take her from you. That is why you need to release what you're currently feeling for Lillah so that the things I show you actually have context and meaning.**_

_Why are you doing this? Why do you care?_

_**As I said, I have wronged her. This is the only way I can make things right with her.**_

The sound of Lillah's voice brought him back to the scene in front of him. "Okay that's it, once blood is drawn the match is over and the winner is the person that drew the blood."

Zev strolled up to the cousins. "Well the delicious rogue may have beaten my comrade, but she has not drawn my blood."

Rylee drew her arm back and threw a punch that landed squarely on Zev's nose. A loud crack rang out and blood covered the dirt on the ground. Zev gripped his nose as blood ran down his hands and arms. Rylee grinned and raised an eyebrow, "I told you I like it dirty."

"Damn," Zev said as he held his bleeding nose. "Dirty indeed, were you just looking for an excuse to help clean me up? "Cause there are easier, less painful ways of getting me out of my clothes."

Isabela burst out laughing. "Well, I knew she had some pent up anger, but Maker, if I had known she was this entertaining when she held in all of her angst, I would have encouraged that behavior a long time ago."

Isabela's comment made Anders recoil. Was all of the pent up anger because of him? Was he the cause of that underhanded punch she delivered to Zev? Was it his face she had been picturing when she was fighting? Maker, he knew he had caused her enough pain for her to want to beat something or someone to a bloody pulp. He also realized that jealously was coursing through his veins. She had been so at ease with Zev as they exchanged sexual innuendos and even after she had broken his nose, the assassin still kept making passes at her. How long had they known each other? Could they have possibly been involved with each other?

"Anders, can you come over here. I need you to help me heal my men and Isabela can you take Rylee to her room get her cleaned up? I want to see you in my office in an hour, Cousin," Lillah commanded.

**A/N – Sorry for the delay of this chapter. I hope to make it up to you by posting the next chapter tomorrow. Thank you to everyone that has added this story to your fav and alert lists. Also, thank you to everyone that has shared their thoughts about the story with me. Your comments always bring a smile to my face and make my day.**

***Here is a refresher of the Italian we learned the other day. ****La mia bellezza mortale means my deadly beauty.**

***A huge thank you to the spanktastic Beta Wizard Jinxy. I appreciate your help in making it seem as if I have mastered commas, colons, semicolons and spellchecker. The fact that I haven't is our little secret. As always thank you for being a wonderful sound board to bounce ideas and dialogue off of. Your insight is fan-freckin-tastic! You're the best!**


	16. Chapter 16 It's Not Over

**Chapter 15- It's Not Over**

"Taken all I could take, and I cannot wait. We're wasting too much time, being strong, holding on.

Can't let it bring us down. My life with you means everything, so I won't give up that easily.

I'll blow it away, blow it away. Can we make this something good?

'Cause it's all misunderstood. Well, I'll try to do it right this time around.

Let's start over, I'll try to do it right this time around.

It's not over. 'Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.

This love is killing me,but you're the only one. It's not over."

_It's Not Over by Daughtry_

Anders made his way to Lillah's office after he had helped both Zev and Nate back to their rooms. Through the closed door he heard Lillah's raised voice. "Maker, Rylee was it not bad enough that you head butted Nate, breaking his nose in the process, but then you had to cold cock Zev and break his too. I know that things have been rough on you lately, but taking out you anger on my men isn't going to make things better."

"Well, maybe you need better trained men," Rylee retorted.

"So now you're going to insult my Wardens because they were unprepared for a cheap shot?"

"Well, Zev is an assassin. Shouldn't he always be prepared for a cheap shot?"

There was a long pause, "Ry, I know you're hurting, but this isn't like you. It's completely out of character for you."

"I know…I knoooow," Rylee moaned in frustration. "I'm just so fucking lost right now and the one person who always had my back even when he was at his lowest is gone. I f-feel so all alone."

Anders felt his heart ache as the pain of loss swept through her.

"You're not alone, Cousin. I'm here for you. It's obvious that Isabela is here for you and so is Zev. I also received word from Denerim that Bethany and Cullen's ship finally docked. They are staying at the Warden compound there."

Another long pause and the sound of footsteps pacing back and forth; Anders knew Lillah didn't pace so he wondered if Rylee did when she was thinking. "Maybe, it would be best for all concerned if I went to Denerim for a while. I really need to see Bethany and it would probably be wise to let Alistair know that he has a wanted fugitive in his country. It would also give Anders time to relax and heal without the constant fear of running into me around every corner."

At the thought of her leaving, Anders felt his heart throb with pain, his stomach seize with agony as his body began to tremble. He had no idea why her leaving should affect him so drastically other than the fact that he didn't want her to go because having her around was the only connection he had to his old life, but if that were the case then why should the thought of her not being here cause his entire body to ache.

"I don't want you traveling alone, Ry. We killed all of those Starkhaven soldiers, but they are like maggots…where there is one there is bound to be more. I will send Zev and Nate with you. You will also need a mage so I will ask Neria to go with you too. She isn't a Warden so I can't order her, but she seems to like you so I don't think she will say no. Besides she is the only mage I have available to accompany you. She is more of a battle mage than a healer, but she knows the basics, so just don't get yourself gravely injured."

A growl slipped from Anders throat at the thought of her becoming seriously injured and no one available to heal her.

"Thanks, Lil. I appreciate your help."

"Anytime, Cuz. You need to say good-bye to Anders," Lillah said.

"Why? He doesn't even know me."

"I'm telling you to do that for your sake, not his."

There was a long pause and then a chuckle. "I see some of that Amell wisdom rubbed off on you too."

Lillah laughed, "So I'm told."

Anders heard footsteps heading for the door and he slipped into the shadows of a dimly lit alcove. He watched as Rylee left Lillah's office and made her way down the corridor. Once she was out of sight, he walked into Lillah's office.

"How could you just let her leave like that? You know that both Starkhaven soldiers and templars are after her."

"Eaves dropping is such a nasty habit, Anders." Lillah said as she took a seat behind her desk. "So why do you care? The last time we chatted, you had no memories of her, no feelings for her so why should you care if she leaves?"

"I can't explain it Lil. I only know that I care for her well being. I look at her and I feel nothing…no love, no joy…no memories…just nothing, until she feels something. That's when I feel her love, her joy, her pain and anger then something deep inside me stirs and the only thing I want to do is be a part of her joy and love and take away her anger and pain. I don't have a logical explanation for this. It feels like I'm stumbling in the dark. Like I've lost a piece of myself and I don't know where it is or how to get it back. "

"Anders, I think it's a good thing that Rylee is leaving for a while. It will give you a chance to clear your head and sort some things out without her here to confuse you. She isn't leaving forever and I am sending her with some very capable fighters. Not to mention you watched her make fools out of my two best rogues today, she is a very gifted fighter. She can handle herself."

"I just have a bad feeling about this. She has done and sacrificed so much for me and I have brought her nothing but pain. I just want to protect her from any further sorrow," Anders said glumly.

"Don't you think this time away will help her heal too?"

Anders shook his head. "Every instinct in my body tells me we are stronger together than we are apart."

"Anders, I disagree with you. That statement may have been true in Kirkwall, but circumstances are different now. The fact that you have no memory of her, no feelings for her, only hurts her more the longer she is here. Let her go, give yourself some time to heal and your life with her may still come back to you."

Before Anders could reply there was a loud knock at the office door, Lillah called for the visitor to enter. A small messenger boy entered and handed her a note. Lillah quickly opened it and read. "Hmmm, it seems my Keep is turning into a travel inn for Rylee's companions. There is a dwarf here to see her. Let's go inform her that she has a companion."

They both headed down the corridor to her room, Lillah knocked then opened the door only to find Rylee standing there in a pair of tight trousers and her breast band as Isabela wrapped a cloth around her ribs. Anders took a huge gulp as his eyes wondered over the smooth sun soaked skin of Rylee's back and the delicate way her tiny waist cinched in and then flared at her hips. Maker, she had the most luscious curves he had ever seen and that was saying a lot because he always considered Lillah very curvy.

"What the hell is going on?" Lillah demanded.

"Nothing, I injured my ribs while sparring and Isabela is just wrapping them to prevent further injury," Rylee explained.

"And why didn't you let me heal you, Ry," Lillah inquired.

"Because I'm fine, Zev and Nate needed your attention much more than I did."

"Well, lay down on the bed and let me examine you," Lillah commanded.

"No," Rylee retorted.

Anders watched Lillah's eyes flare with suspicion. "What do you mean no?"

Rylee cocked an eyebrow, "I'm pretty sure 'no' is a self explanatory word."

Lillah looked over at him, "Anders, leave the room so that I can examine my cousin."

"No," Anders replied.

"Since when did everyone decide that following my orders were a suggestion and not a command? The last time I checked I am still the bloody commander of this Keep and both of you are under my roof and will follow my orders. Rylee, lay down and Anders get the hell out!"

Anders stared at her long and hard then finally said, "Fine, but I'm keeping the door open."

Anders couldn't explain why, but he needed to see the extent of her injuries. He watched as Rylee reluctantly laid down on the bed. Starting at her head, Lillah began her examination. She hesitated at her ribs as she evaluated the extent of the injuries, then she continued to move further down her body to make sure that there wasn't anything more serious before she healed Rylee's ribs. She faltered once again at Rylee's lower abdomen. Lillah's head shot up and looked at her cousin. He barely saw the young rogue give a curt shake of the head. Lillah nodded and then continued her examination before she healed her ribs and then cast a spell at Rylee's stomach.

Rylee sat up as Lillah walked over to Anders and motioned for Isabela to join them. "She is fine, she is going to need some rest before she leaves for Denerim. Now, if you two will excuse me I need to talk with my cousin."

"What was wrong with her lower abdomen?" Anders asked.

"It was just a torn muscle. I healed it."

Anders eyed her suspiciously. Her reaction to whatever her examination had discovered was more serious than a torn muscle.

"Remember what I said earlier, Anders, about eaves dropping," Lillah said as she closed the door.

Anders looked over at Isabela, "Are you leaving?"

"Hell no," the pirate wench replied.

"Good, we are both on the same page," Anders stated as the two of them eased toward the door. At first their words were muffled and only a few words came through most were Lillah's voice who for some reason was very upset by the conversation.

"No bloody business in a sparring ring," and "You have to tell him," and much louder was "Are you crazy?"

Then very clearly Rylee's voice rose above Lillah's. "Lil, stay the fuck out of this. It isn't your concern."

Lillah's volume now matched Rylee's. "Bullshit, do you think you're the only one that loves him. This will kill him if you don't tell him."

"Oh now you love him… _now_ after you broke his heart by carrying on a torrid love affair with the married King of Ferelden right under his nose. When he was here begging you to love him, you wanted nothing to do with him! But now that he is back and has no memory of me, now you want to sink your claws into him? What is it with you and unavailable men, Lil? Are they a challenge for you or something new to conquer?"

There was a loud smack and both Anders and Isabela looked at each other.

"Did the Commander just smack Rylee?" Isabela asked.

Anders eyes went wide. "It sure sounded that way."

"Damn it, I hate when I miss a good cat fight," Isabela hissed.

"No Rylee, I wouldn't do that to you and you know it! I love you, you're my flesh and blood, and you're like a sister to me. I'm just saying that you aren't the only one that cares about him. This might actually help him heal."

"No it won't; not if he can't remember how it happened or when or that he was even there. This will just be another weight around his neck. I will not add that burden to him and neither will you," Rylee threatened.

"Ry…"

"Look Lil, I'm sorry about what I said earlier about unavailable men, I really am. I love you too and I don't think that about you. Hearing you confess that you still love Anders just threw me over the edge. I just don't know how much more I can take. Hell, maybe you would be better for him than I would be. You can protect him, keep him safe, you love him…fuck at least he remembers you."

Isabela giggled, "I can almost see her rolling her eyes."

Anders chuckled, "Same here."

Isabela's head whipped around as she looked at Anders. "I could just picture her doing that."

"That's because anytime she said 'fuck' in that tone she always rolled her eyes," Isabela explained.

"Look, telling him right now isn't up for discussion, in time maybe, but not now. Do we have an agreement?"

Their voices had once again calmed down and were muffled. Both Anders and Isabela eased their way down the hallway before Lillah left Rylee's room.

Anders made it back to his room as he thought about all that he had heard. What was wrong with Rylee? She had to have some kind of illness. Something that would be a burdened to him if he knew about it. The thought that she was ill seized him as fear ran through his veins. It couldn't be life threatening. Lillah would have never agreed not to tell him. She was leaving in the morning, but if he could corner her even briefly, he would try to quickly examine her without her knowing.

And then there was the realization that Lillah still loved him. His heart couldn't help but skip a beat at the thought that she still thought of him like that. For him it was as if the battle with the Brood Mother had just happened. In reality it had been years and he never thought that after all this time she would still have feelings for him. Then Rylee's voice flooded his mind as she defended him so adamantly.

"_Oh now you love him…now after you broke his heart by carrying on a torrid love affair with the married King of Ferelden right under his nose. When he was here begging you to love him you wanted nothing to do with him!" _

How soon after Lillah had broken his heart had he met Rylee?

_**It was just a few months. Rylee helped you to heal. She mended your heart; she gave you a reason to want to live.**_

_Why didn't I want to live?_

_**Because between losing Lillah and merging with me, living had taken on a huge burden, things seemed hopeless to you. She brought you peace and comfort in a way that no one else could. **_

_So why do I get the feeling you were against my relationship with her?_

_**I was, I viewed her as a distraction as a diversion to our… my plans. I allowed Vengeance not Justice to lead me, and in doing so I damage her and you.**_

_How?_

_**Why does it matter now Anders? You don't remember any of this.**_

_I need to know._

_**The love you had for her was so pure, so honest, so beautiful and I corrupted it by causing you to doubt her, by causing you to lose faith in her and I used her against you, to force you to bend to my will. I'm sorry, Anders. **_

_What has changed? Why do you see things differently now?_

_**I still believe in Justice for the mages, but since you have lost your memories the anger has subsided and the burning desire for vengeance has been squelched.**_

_Does that mean if I get my memories back that Vengeance will be back?_

_**That will depend on you, Anders, and if you are still holding onto all of that anger.**_

_I can't do that to her again. I've put her through too much. I have no memories of those years, but I know deep down I've caused her great pain._

_**Then you must find a way to release your anger or else history is doomed to repeat itself.**_

Anders ate dinner in his room as he thought about all that had transpired over the past couple of days. There was so much to absorb and try to comprehend that it seemed overwhelming. Eventually he heard the roar of laughter drifting up from the throne room, so he made his way down to join the merriment and take his mind off of his own troubles.

When he entered, a dwarf was standing at the front of the room elaborately telling a tale. "Then Hawke held up the dragon egg and taunted the High Dragon, "I'm going to scramble these and have them with my bacon in the morning. Do you mind if I use one of your teeth to scramble them with?"

The room burst out laughing. Anders looked over at Rylee who was three shades of red and shaking her head.

"Zev, you really need to take some pointers from Varric on your story telling. When you tell about our High Dragon adventure you never give me witty one liners like that," Lil chuckled.

Anders slid in beside Zev, Nate and Oghren. Oghren handed him a mug of ale as he grumbled, "I don't see what the big deal is about telling stories. I can be witty too."

"Really? As far as I can remember you're only known for getting drunk, getting your ass kicked by Felsi and passing out," Anders stated matter-of-factly.

"Oh look, Sparkle Fingers has his memory back," Oghren grunted.

"My memories of you, my stout friend, are seared into my mind. I've tried to scrub them out, but they have permanently adhered themselves to my subconscious mind; damaging my psyche forever. "

"He seems to have that effect on everyone, I wonder if it's a blessing or a punishment sometimes," Zev said.

"Punishment!" All the Wardens said in unison.

"That's it! Next time someone tries to kill one of you sorry sons of nugs, don't come crying to me for help!" Oghren bellowed.

Rylee scooted over to Oghren, threw her arm around his shoulder and cooed. "You can save me anytime you want, Oghren."

"Any female who can kick ass like you is aces in my book. I'll stick with ya, and even laugh at the sorry sods who try to beat you."

"Aaah, thanks Oghren. Here, let me fill your mug of ale for ya," Rylee cooed.

"That woman could charm the Reverend Mother out her clothes if she put her mind to it," Varric chortled.

"Well, I wish she would put her mind to charming me out of mine. She wouldn't have to work very hard at it, unless she wanted me to make her beg for it," Zev said.

"Do you see that ring on her finger? She's not just wearing it for show, you know!" Anders exclaimed.

"Please, like you can even remember putting it on her finger. Funny how you can't even remember that you love her, but you manage to remember the ring whenever anyone shows some interest in the lovely rogue," Zev mused.

"That may be true, but as long as you see that ring on her finger she is mine so back the fuck off."

Varric burst out laughing, "Wow, look at you, Blondie. Blowing up a Chantry really gave you a large pair."

"Oh! So his balls were in Kirkwall all this time? I had wondered where he'd lost them," Nate chuckled.

"Oh they aren't lost, I assure you," Rylee said smugly and all eyes spun to look at her. "What? I had a very nice view of them just yesterday morning. Everything was where it should be."

She coyly looked over at Anders as he mouthed, "Thank you" to her. She gave him a wink of unity.

Trying to ease the tension, Varric decided to steer the conversation back to storytelling. He smiled over at Zev. "So Zev, to tell an amazing story the first lesson you need to learn, my assassin friend, is always make yourself as invisible as possible and make Lillah the hero. Lesson number two..."

"Wait, let me get this straight, you want me to make this handsome body invisible? That's impossible to do, my friend."

"I don't know if I can have you travel with me, Zev. If you can't put my wants and needs ahead of your own, this relationship might not work," Rylee chuckled.

Zev stared at her dreamily.

Rylee snapped her fingers in front of his face. "Zev…oh Zev…are you in there?"

"I'm sorry, all I heard was want and need. I knew my charm would work on you sooner or later," Zev chortled.

"If anyone is taking care of her wants and needs, Zev. It will be me. Obviously, men are completely incapable of taking care of such a delicate flower," Isabela chimed in.

"I don't know if anyone has ever referred to me as delicate flower before…and I don't think I like it very much," Rylee grumbled.

"Oh, Kitten, you are also the jam in my jellyroll."

Jealousy tore through Anders' body as an image of the Isabela passionately kissing Rylee flickered in his mind. Why should this matter? Why is the thought of her with anyone turning him into a complete idiot?

"Well, if you need some extra spread I'm always available," Zev cooed

"Wow, this conversation has really deteriorated into the gutter. We started out talking about scrambled eggs and ended up talking about spreads," Lillah mused.

"Both are very edible," Zev pointed out.

"And delicious," Isabela added.

"Are we talking about food or Rylee?" Nate asked.

"I believe they are talking about Rylee," Anders growled through gritted teeth as the unexplained jealously raged through him. Anders had more than he could take. He gulped down the rest of his ale then excused himself for the night and went to bed immediately to try and forget this horrible day.

The following morning he heard horses in the courtyard, being prepared for travel. He knew he needed to say good-bye to Rylee before she left. Part of him was grieving at her impending departure and part of him was eager for her to leave so that he could try to work some things out. There was a slight knock at the door and he called out for them to come in. The door opened and Rylee stood there. She wore tight leather travel pants, a loose fitting blouse and riding boots. Her dark locks were pulled up, but several pieces were flowing freely as they framed her face. Her sparkling blue eyes stared at him as she hesitated in the doorway.

She smiled tentatively at him, "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Of course, please come in."

She walked toward him so gracefully it was if she glided. She sat down beside him on the bed. She closed her eyes briefly and drew in a deep breath as if trying to draw from some inner strength. He looked at her and her big beautiful eyes were shimmering with tears. He had an almost irresistible urge to pull her into his arms and comfort her. She took his hand and placed a leather bound book in it.

"Eventually, I think you will want to know about what happened during those years in Kirkwall. The stories that you hear are so unreliable, especially since most of them are spun from Varric's imagination. This is my journal and it's a bit more accurate. Just ignore all the emotional bits and you will have a clear picture of those lost years."

His heart was racing because the way she was speaking was as if she was saying good-bye. "Rylee, why does it sound like your saying good-bye?"

"I'm not…it's just... I don't know how long I will be gone…"

"What do you mean you don't know how long you will be gone? Denerim isn't that far away. By horseback, three days journey at most. You should be back in a couple of weeks."

"Anders…I…"

Anders clasped her hands in his. "I know this has been hard you and I am so sorry for that, but I need to know that you're coming back."

"Why? Why do you need to know that? You have made it perfectly clear that you have no memories of me and have no feelings for me…"

"That isn't true…I do feel something for you, Rylee…I just don't know what it is. I'm very confused."

She was silent for a long moment. "I think this time apart will help with your confusion, as will my journal."

"Please, promise me you will be back," Anders begged.

"I promise, Anders." She pressed the diary into his hands. "I hope when I return you will have a clearer picture of what happened in Kirkwall… and what we meant to each other."

Anders traced her name that had been etched into lower right corner - _Rylee Leandra Hawke. _"I-I don't know what to say. A journal is so…personal I can't accept this," Anders replied.

"It's okay, Anders. I was there. I lived it, I don't need to remember those years, but it may help answer some of those questions for you."

"Thank you," Anders said.

She looked down at her commitment ring and twisted it on her finger. He could tell that she was debating with herself. Anders placed his hand on top of hers. "We don't have to make any decisions about us right now. As a matter of fact, I don't want to make any decisions until you come back. So please continue to wear my ring."

Her shimmering blue eyes looked up at him; she smiled and leaned into kiss his cheek. On impulse he turned his head, her warm breath washed over him as her soft lips brushed against his. He inhaled her scent and the smell of lavender and vanilla washed over him once again, calming him and comforting him. He yearned to deepen the kiss, but she pulled away, her hand brushed against the side of his face. "Good-bye, Anders."

Before he could stop her, she swiftly left the room. An unsettling and explainable sadness washed over him. He was unsure why but it felt like a piece of him had just disappeared and he was left with an empty hollow feeling.

**A/N - ******* **A huge thank you to those of you, who have favored, alerted and reviewed. You make my day so much brighter. I look forward to hearing your thoughts. **

***I'm pulling out an old, but a goodie thank you for my Jinxy. "Jinxy, Jinxy your on my mind, your beta skills are awesome and your editing so fine., Jinxy, Jinxy wanna work with you so this what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna put a call to you, 'cause I feel good tonight and this chapter is oh so right, right, right"**

*****A huge thank you to the betalicious **Kira Tamarion** for being a guest beta on this chapter. Thank you so much for help.****


	17. Chapter 17 Where I Stood

**Chapter 16 – Where I Stood**

"I don't know what I've done, or if I like what I've begun

But something told me to run, and honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head, little voices whispering

That I should go and this should end, oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I don't know who I am, who I am without you, all I know is that I should

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you, all I know is that I should

'Cos she will love you more than I could, she who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white, that it was wrong or it was right

But you ain't leaving without a fight, and I think I am just as torn inside"

_Where I Stood by Mary Higgins_

Anders solemnly watched the travel party leave through the gate. He continued to watch until they had completely disappeared over the horizon. He was sad to see her go and it felt like he had just said good-bye to a part of himself. He grabbed Rylee's journal, sat on his bed and began to read.

Anders discovered that she had started the journal shortly after her father's death to help herself work through the grief. Reading her intimate thoughts felt like an invasion of privacy, but the more he read the more he understood the events in her life that shaped her into the woman he met in Kirkwall. He respected her tenacity and strength and admired her ability to see the humor in all things and at the gravest of times.

_I remember you taking us to the swimming hole to cool off on hot summer days and using magic to make the water refreshingly chilly, I can clearly recall your hands on my hips as you stood behind me and corrected my fighting stance, with vivid clarity I can picture you making mine and Bethany's dolls dance while you told us bedtime stories, but I can't recall the sound of your voice, nor the warmth of your embrace, even the feeling I once had of always being safe is gone. I just want to feel secure once again in your loving embrace and have you reassure me it's going to be alright. That you are going to make it all right._

_I'm so scared Daddy. They are all looking to me to make the decisions, to keep them safe, to keep us one step ahead of the templars, but what if I fail them as I failed you. I am so afraid of making the wrong choice because that's all it will take…just one bad decision and it will cost them their lives. You always told me to let my heart guide me. I'm really trying to, but damn if it isn't whispering in a really low voice and I can't make out what its saying._

Anders sat the journal on the bed. He got up, grabbed the tray of food and wine that a servant had brought in at some point. He looked out the window. The sun was high in the sky; he must have been reading for hours.

_Maker's breathe, how could she blame herself for her father's death at the hands of a templar?_

_**Rylee has always blamed herself for failing her family even though those beliefs are furthest from the truth.**_

_How old was she when she took on the weight of protecting her family?_

_**I believe she was fourteen when her father died. **_

_That's so young to shoulder such a responsibility._

_**Yes, it is, but Rylee has always stepped up when duty called her.**_

Anders settled back on the bed with his sandwich and wine and picked up the journal again. It was like reading an addictive book. Anders read about the years after her father's death and how she willingly accepted the responsibility for her family's care and safety, but as he read her words, he realized that to her, family was everything…it was the only thing that mattered and she willingly sacrificed her own happiness for them. He was in awe and envious of her family, to be loved like that must be a wonderful thing.

_**It is…That is how she loved you.**_

_You felt her love for me?_

_**Yes, on many occasions. You admire the way she loved her family, but she loved you most of all.**_

_I wish I could remember. I want to remember._

_**Keep reading. Hopefully the memories will come back to you.**_

Rylee had moved them around numerous times to keep the templars at bay and she had finally settled just outside Lothering about a year before the Blight. Lothering was a good location actually. He had hidden there numerous times. It was far from the Circle, the Chantry was small and the templars that were there were more concerned with feeding the Bann's neglected people than hunting apostates. She had chosen wisely.

At this point she had to have been close to seventeen…well into adolescence, but there had only been a few entries regarding her interest in boys. She had moved around a lot and didn't stay in one place long enough to make any long lasting friendships. She had managed however, to pass a few rites of passage. She had wrote about her first kiss and a few minor over the clothes make out session, but nothing that Anders considered all that serious until she had moved to Lothering. There a boy by the name Aaron started to make regular appearances in her writings. His father was a land owner and a minor lord that worked for the Bann. Aaron was twenty…much too old for her in Anders' opinion.

_**Do I need to remind you that you are six years older than her?**_

_That's different._

_**Really? How is that different?**_

_According to you I met Rylee when she was twenty-one. There is a big difference from being a naïve seventeen year old and being a worldly twenty-one year old._

_**Rylee hasn't been naïve since she watched a templar murdered her father.**_

_What? She didn't mention that witnessed her father's death._

_**She didn't mention it in the journal, but she did tell you about it. It was a very traumatic event in her life. My point is, she is not naïve and you may not have figured this out about her yet, but she is very calculating and does nothing by chance. **_

Anders resumed reading.

_I think I am finally ready; for years now I have been secretly been learning about sex through my mother's trashy romance novels and my father's anatomy of magic books. I am well acquainted with the clitoris, the vagina, the anus, the penis and the scrotum. Now it's time to put that knowledge into practice._

Anders literally spit the wine he had just sipped all over himself. He quickly cleaned himself up and continued reading.

_Through all my research, I've amassed a lot of sexual knowledge without any real experience. I have become known as the tough rogue with the sweet face and dirty sense of humor. With five kisses from three different guys, but only three with any tongue, two boob touches, and half a blowjob, I am basically all talk, no walk...or spread as in this case._

Blow job! How the hell had he missed that? He went back and quickly scanned the pages. There was nothing, it must not have made that much of an impression on her. He really hoped _that_ changed.

_**Oh it does!**_

_Really? And how would you know?_

_**I was there, dumbass. Remember?**_

_Hey, are Spirits really supposed to say dumbass?_

_**I'm making an exception for you. You're starting to wear on me.**_

Anders turned his attention back to the diary.

_Enter Aaron…Aaron is…awesome. He is a fantastic rogue, so incredibly handsome with his long, blond hair and deep green eyes…And his body…fuck me, did I mention his rock hard abs and chiseled chest…_

Anders looked down at his stomach…okay not as toned as it once was but by no means was he a fatso…nothing a few sit ups couldn't take care of.

_**Might want to lay off the chocolate pudding too.**_

_Have I told you what how annoying your comments are?_

Anders drew a deep breath and continued.

_And he is experienced. A lot more experienced than I am, but I'm not worried. I have my wealth of knowledge to pull from. It should all be good, right? _

_So thanks to our almost instantaneous emotional connection and this crazy chemistry we share, our sexual relationship has progressed quickly from making out, to feeling me up under my clothes, to hand jobs, to blowjobs…which by the way Aaron says I am fucking amazing at, and then finally, thank the Maker, on to manual and oral stimulation of my nether-regions…_

Anders fell off the edge of the bed. That was the last thing Anders expected her to say as he pulled himself back up on top of the bed, but the idea that she gave amazing blow jobs was a very intriguing thought.

_We needed to be careful so as not to get caught, so a lot of our sparring ring time, horseback training or talking outside in the dark was actually us sneaking off to work on our sexual conquest checklist. After months of dating and exploring each other in every way possible with the exception of penetration, I was completely ready to relinquish my virginity. So the other night we started off in the barn loft with 'Hi, I'm Sir Penis please meet Lady Vagina' meetings._

Anders burst out laughing. Maker this was the funniest first time account he had ever heard or read.

_So how these 'get to know you' meetings worked was that he would go in about an inch, we would wait, see how that felt and then go in another inch, pause and wait. This would continue until I would cry out in pain, hit him and told him to get the hell out of me. Aaron is a big boy about eight inches so we would make it halfway in before the pain would become too much. These meet and greets went on for several nights progressing a little each night till tonight when the deed was finally done._

_It was on a hammock in a grove of trees behind his house. Before settling into the hammock we had quickly undressed each other. I laid back on the hammock as Aaron carefully climbed on top of me, with my hand guiding him in, we finally had sexual intercourse. As he began to move within me, from over his shoulder, the moonlight illuminated his silhouette as the scent of jasmine filled my scenes. The hammock swayed with his thrusts and as the pain eased I actually started to enjoy it. As it turned out, Aaron was a generous lover and when he realized the pain had subsided he reached down to stimulate me so that I could come with him. _

_I don't think I will ever be able to walk past a hammock in the moonlight and not picture Aaron as he gracefully and tenderly took my virginity from me._

Anders closed the journal. He was glad that her first experience had been a good one and that she had been with a generous and gentle lover. He had taken numerous girls virginities and he had always tried to be tender with them, but for some strange reason he wished it had been him that had taken hers.

_**You wouldn't have been nearly as attracted to her if she had been a virgin. **_

_Why would say that?_

_**Because Anders, Rylee is your equal in every way, including in the bedroom. It was her sexual prowess that attracted you to her in the first place and the fact that you had to work to keep up with her is what kept you coming back for more. **_

That revelation blew Anders away. He had never met a woman that he had to work to keep up with. It was always the other way around. However, it would have still been nice to be Rylee's first, to teach her how to please him as he taught her all the ways he could please her.

_**You took Lillah's virginity and that never stopped you from having a roaming eye.**_

_What? I never cheated on Lillah._

_**No you didn't, but from what I was able to piece together from your memories, that didn't stop you from looking.**_

_So you're saying that in the six years I was with Rylee I never looked at another woman, I never fantasized about another woman. That's bullshit!_

_**Rylee completely satisfied you – emotionally, physically and spiritually. You had no desire or need to look any further.**_

_Are you saying she is the perfect woman? 'Cause there is no such thing._

_**No, she isn't perfect. For any other man she may be far from perfect, but she is perfect for you.**_

Throughout the rest of the day, Anders continued to read her journal; completely engrossed in her story. She wrote about her and Carver at Ostagar, meeting Alistair and Lillah there. Her perspective was spot on.

_Lillah, although kind, sweet and at times very naive, has always been one of those girls that knew that she was beautiful and used it to her advantage. I had watched Lil use her innocence for her benefit numerous times growing up. I'm sure it saved her ass from beginning captured by the templars numerous times. At least until her luck ran out when that old senile templar finally caught up with her. Her womanly charms didn't work on him too well, but that's probably because the old geezer hadn't had an erection since the last Blight._

_Anyways, I digress, Lillah hasn't even known the handsome ex-templar for more than forty-eight hours and she already has him following her around like a lost puppy dog. It's rather disgusting actually. If I ever fall in love I want my man to act like a man. I want him to love me, respect me, fuck the hell out of me, but still have his balls intact._

Anders chucked as he glanced down at his groin as his hand firmly gripped himself, "Thank the Maker everything is still securely in place." Rylee definitely understood her cousin very well.

_Alistair seems like a very nice guy and not that Lil isn't a nice girl, she is, but Maker she lived in the Circle for years. I heard the Feleden Circle was one big orgy. If half of what I've heard is true, she is going to chew him up, spit him out and have him begging for more. Poor sap, but I'm sure he'll enjoy the ride…_ _literally and figuratively._

Anders couldn't help but grin. As bad as the Circle was, they had definitely found ways to entertain themselves. Thursday night strip diamondback was always his favorite. It would also seem that Lil had her own real life version of the 'Bad Mage and Naughty Templar'. He wondered if they actually had costumes.

_**Anders, get your mind out of the gutter!**_

_What's wrong with the gutter? I feel quite at home there._

_**Darktown…thanks for reminding me. **_

_We lived in Darktown? I heard that place is a cesspool._

_**For a few years, yes, until we moved in with Rylee then only your clinic remained in Darktown.**_

_Wait? I had a clinic…to heal people?_

_**Yes.**_

A huge grin spread across his face._ I always wanted to run a healing clinic. I'm glad I fulfilled that dream even if I can't remember it._

_**When you weren't with Rylee, you were the happiest when you were healing people.**_

_If I can ever pull us out of the hell hole we are now in, I want to have a clinic again._

_**I think that's a great idea.**_

_So where did Rylee live? _

_**Hightown. **_

Anders gave out a low whistle_. What did she do to move there?_

_**Keep reading Anders. I'm sure she will talk about it.**_

Anders read about the nightmare of Loghain's betrayal, the Hawke family as they escaped Lothering and the death of Carver; a death that Rylee once again blamed herself for; even though there was nothing she could have done to save him. Her own mother belittled and blamed her for the death of her son, and Rylee just accepted her judgment, refusing to defend herself. The death of her brother only added to the burden she felt to protect her mother and sister. To provide a better life for them, so it made complete sense when she agreed to go into servitude to the smuggler in order to buy their way into the city. Anders himself had sold his healing service to that bitch, Athenril_,_ in order to get into the city, but the thought of Rylee working for that criminal, made his blood boil. From everything that he had read about her, Rylee was noble, honorable, duty bound, she shouldn't have to resort to being a criminal in order to survive. The whole idea completely infuriated him.

_**Anders, this is the rage and anger that I am talking about. This is what will cause Vengeance to come out if you don't learn to control it.**_

_How? How do I control my anger over the injustices that are inflicted on people? _

_**Somehow you need to become sympathetic to their side and have empathy for them. **_

_What? That is crazy!_

_**No, it's not. Just because you can sympathize with someone doesn't mean that you agree with them. It means you can understand their point of view. Rylee was a master at this. If you knew that Athenril had two children at home that she was trying to feed and protect, that her husband was killed in the Blight, fighting as part of the Dalish army, would you have more sympathy for her?**_

_Yes, is what you said about her true?_

_**I have no idea, but the point is, it could be. Rylee viewed everyone through her own eyes…people struggling to make ends meet, trying to feed their families and keep them safe. That is why she was able to show compassion and mercy and give them the benefit of the doubt.**_

_That is very wise._

_**She is very wise for being a human.**_

Anders closed the journal and rubbed his eyes. The moon was high in the sky; he had spent the entire day and from the looks of it a good part of the night reading. He stomach growled informing him of the neglect. As he made his way to the kitchen he thought the beautiful rogue that he had no memory of, but whose story had completely captivated him. He wished she was here, he would love to talk with her and watch her face light up and her eyes sparkle as she retold a story. There was an ache in his heart from an unexplained, unexpected emptiness. He realized he missed her. Her absence had left a void in his life.

Over the next week, when he wasn't helping Lillah with Grey Warden issues, sparring or mixing potions, he was reading Rylee's journal. She wrote extensively about that year of servitude, working for Athenril, her growing reputation in the underworld and Varric approaching her about being his partner on their Deep Road expedition. The more he read about her and her life the more respected her, but something else was growing deep inside him. He wanted her, he hungered for her and yearned just to be near her again. How was that possible?

_**Your soul recognizes her as you read about her life in her own words.**_

Anders didn't reply as the next journal entry leapt off the page and now had his full attention, his heart racing in his chest as he read.

_I think today I met the man of my dreams. He was tall with sandy blond hair that was pulled back into a ponytail. That hair…damn it looked so soft, so touchable. Maker, it took all of my self control to not pull his hair loose and run my fingers through it. He had the warmest, kindest honey brown eyes I have ever seen. I think I could have lost myself in them forever._

Jealousy coursed through his body. Who the hell was this? He had been able to keep his emotions check with Aaron, the Bann's son and the assassin at Ostagar, but now that she was in Kirkwall he didn't like the idea of her being attracted to anyone there.

_**She is talking about you…dumbass.**_

_Really?_

_**Yes.**_

_I would appreciate it if you would stop calling me that._

_**I would appreciate if you were more observant. You used to be, I never had to call you names before. **_

_Were you ever a nice Spirit? I'm just curious_

Anders continued reading.

_He has the kindest smile and what looks like the sweetest lips. I wanted to kiss those lips so desperately, just to see if they are as soft as they appear to be and if he tasted as good as he looked. He has the most amazing hands…he has healer's hands…like my father. Gentle, kind and I can only imagine how loving those hands would be. I would love to feel them on my skin, touching me, caressing me…doing other delicious things to my body. Oh, Anders, damn I want you, like I have never wanted anyone else in my life before. I can't explain it…I've just met you and I'm drawn to you. You asked for my help, I asked you to give me the details of the favor, but I wasn't actually listening. You could have asked me to walk into the Dark City naked, and I would have done it of you. _

Anders sat the journal down and sipped his wine. _Damn, she had it bad. Thank the Maker I am a handsome man._

_**And don't forget humble.**_

_Oh right…that too._

_**Trust me Anders, you were much worse.**_

_Impossible!_

A scene flashed before his eyes.

_The candle on Rylee's side silhouetted her figure against the thin material of the dividing screen, he watched mesmerized as she slowly began to remove her chest piece and then slid her trousers off. She pulled her hair out of the ponytail and he watched it fall down around her back. Maker, the candle outlined her exquisite curves perfectly and Anders' breath hitched in his throat. She lifted her leg, rested it on the side of the cot, her silhouette bent over, her breast nuzzling against her leg. Anders pictured his head buried between those two perfect swells. She ran her hands down her leg as if she was inspecting a previous injury. He longed to run his hand up her leg as his lips kissed his way up the inside of her thigh to the sweet spot between her legs so that he could taste the glistening honey that was there just waiting for him devour. He could almost smell her sweet musky aroma and his mouth watered at the thought of tasting her. _

_**And I had to deal with thoughts like at least twenty times a day.**_

_Holy shit, did you see her incredible body…you say only twenty times a day, I'm surprised the number isn't double that. Show me more._

_**NO!**_

_Come on Justice, they are my memories…please!_

_**If you relax and try to rest your mind a little, they might all come back to you. Then there'd be no need for me to replay them every five minutes.**_

There was a knock at the door, Anders yelled for them to come in. Lillah stuck her head through the crack in the door. "You have buried yourself in here all day. Why don't you join me in my study for dinner?"

"I'm not really hunger, Lil."

"Well, join me anyways. You can drink brandy and watch me eat."

"Fine, when do you want me there?"

"Be there in an hour," she paused and looked him up and down. "And clean yourself up. You look a wreck."

"Fine," Anders muttered. Anders quickly got cleaned up and changed into a comfortable pair of trousers and loose fitting shirt then headed for Lil's study.

When he arrived Lillah had also changed into more comfortable attire. As he entered the room she poured both of them a large glass of brandy and motioned for him to take a seat by the fireplace.

"So what have you been doing in your room all day?" She asked.

"Reading," he replied.

"I've never known you to be a lover of books, Anders, unless it was a spell book. What has completely captivated your attention this past week?" Lillah asked.

"Rylee left me her journal to read. She had hoped that it would spark some of my memories."

"Wise woman," Lillah said dryly.

Anders cocked an eyebrow, "You don't seem too happy about the idea."

"I just think it's a waste of time. You know how head injuries are, Anders. Being around the people or environments from your past will spark those memories, not reading a bunch of words that are not yours," Lillah explained.

"It may help and it has already helped me have a better understanding of her," Anders stated.

"Will understanding her bring your memories back? We both know it won't. Will it draw you to her? Yes it will. You have to remember, my cousin is a master manipulator and an expert at persuasion. She is also in love with you and desperate to hold onto you. If she can cause you to connect with her on an emotional level even if you aren't in love with her, you will be less likely to leave her," Lillah argued.

"That isn't true. You didn't see her when she gave me the journal. She was ready to return my commitment ring I gave her, to release me from my vow."

Lillah smirked, "Damn she's good. Anders, I know that you don't remember, but Rylee's political skills and maneuvers are legendary. She held off the Arishok from invading for three years by using some fine acting skills and being extremely savvy and she just employed some of her renowned talents on you."

Anders eyes narrowed, "How do you figured that?"

"She manipulated you into thinking it was your idea for her to keep the ring. I'm sure she played on your sympathies that she only wanted what was best for you and that she might not be it anymore, but by the time she was through with you she had you begging her not to make any decisions yet. That you would wait for her return even if that return took a while… Am I close?"

Anders eyes hardened as he looked at Lillah. "What has politics done to you Lillah? You weren't always so jaded."

"I've just learned to play the game and to play it very well and so has Rylee. Women don't rise to power by being naïve and sweet."

"In everything that I have read and witnessed, Rylee is cool and calculating, but she would never in a million years try to turn me it against you."

"How can you be so sure? You don't even remember her," Lillah asked.

"Because I trust my instincts about her," Anders retorted.

"Well your instincts are wrong," Lillah snapped.

"If I were Justice would let me know, but he has nothing but the utmost respect for her. Something he seems to be struggling with in regards to the new and improved Lillah. Why are you doing this, Lil? Why are you trying to turn me against your cousin?" Anders said defensively.

"I'm not trying to turn you against her, Anders. I love and respect my cousin. I also love and respect you. I just want you to move forward with your eyes open."

"You love and respect me, huh? Since when?"

"I have always loved and respected you. What on the Maker's earth would make you think otherwise?"

"Between the two of us, who has memory loss again?"

"Anders, I've never stopped caring about you. You have been a part of my life since I was a little girl. I've loved you for as long as I can remember and that has never changed."

Anders started to choke on his brandy. "Really? Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that the new way of showing love and affection is to screw the King of Ferelden in front of the one you claim to love."

"I know I have made mistakes in the past. You know better than anyone that nobody's perfect, Anders. But there has never been a time that I have not loved and respected you. That is one thing that has never changed."

Anders shook his head, "No, you don't Lil. You love the idea of someone being devoted to you, enamored by you and hopelessly in love with you. I was that person when we were in the Circle. Alistair was that person for you during the Blight and we both were that for you when you became Commander, but both of us have moved on with our lives and you haven't."

Anders slid out of his chair, knelt before her, and took her hands in his, "Lil, I love you. I always will, but I can honestly say I'm not in love with you anymore. I think when I invited Justice in, I already knew that. I was just still grieving what we had once had. Someone once told me, you have to let go of the past if you want to have happiness in the future. I've done that, now you need to do the same." He pushed a loose piece of hair behind her ear and lifted her chin to look at him. "Lillah, you are a beautiful woman on the inside as well as on the outside. You need to put the hurts of your past behind you, open yourself up once again and love will once again find you. How can it not? You're incredible."

"Just not incredible enough for you," Lillah said as she wiped a tear away.

"I'm sorry, but I gave my heart away a long time ago."

"And you feel that way even though you have no memory of it or her?"

"Yes, I can't explain it, but even if I never remember my past with her, I know deep down she is the only one who will ever truly make me happy in the future."

"My cousin is a very lucky woman."

"No, the more I read about her the more I realize I'm the lucky one and I don't deserve her."

"Does Justice really no longer respect me?"

Anders slid back into his chair and took a sip of his brandy before he spoke. "You've lost your way, Lil, and in the process you have lost who you are. I think Justice just wants to see the strong, capable, yet compassionate leader you once were. We both know she's in there somewhere." Anders said with a smile and she smiled that radiant smile of hers back.

"Thanks Anders, for being a true friend even when I'm being a complete ass," Lillah said.

"That's good. It's better to be an ass than to be an asshole. Those aren't liked very much as far as I can remember," Anders chuckled.

After several more hours of drinking and reminiscing, Anders finally made it back to his room, he quickly undressed and slipped into bed. He thought about scene Justice had showed him and he pictured how perfect her body looked against the candlelight, her long legs as she rested them on the bed, Maker he wanted to have them wrapped around his waist. He drifted into the Fade with thoughts of her on his mind.

_He and Rylee were relaxing in a bath together. Anders could smell the lavender infused water. _

"_Would you wash my hair for me?" She asked._

"_With pleasure," Anders said as he grabbed the canter of soap and poured a generous amount onto her hair. He worked the lavender infused liquid into a lather as he massaged her scalp and neck with his strong fingers as he worked out the knots in the tight muscles to help her relax as the stress drifted away. He enjoyed the quiet moans and purrs of pleasure she made and he didn't want her to stop making those sounds until he had completely ravished her._

_He slowly poured water over her hair, his breath began to quicken as he watched the soapy trail cascade down her shoulders and over her breasts. When the water cleared, his tongue and lips followed the same path as the water had down her neck and shoulders. Anders smiled as she shivered against his chest at the sensation. He pulled her closer to him so she could feel his arousal as he pressed against her back._

_He grabbed the sponge, lathered it up, he picked up her arm then slowly began to stroke her arm. He leisurely increased the pressure as his hand slid down her than across her breasts. He glided the sponge across her taut nipples and she arched into his hand. He brought his other hand around and caressed and pinched her nipple as he guided the sponge down her firm stomach. She shifted against him, allowing more access and she sighed out his name as his hand moved lower._

_His lips nibbled and sucked down her jaw till he found her lips. His tongue hungrily plunged into her mouth as he ran the sponge across her hips and inner thighs, but he avoided the exact spot she was yearning for him to touch._

"_You're such a fucking tease," she hissed._

_Anders chuckled as he kissed her neck, "Lift your leg," he purred in her ear._

_She did as instructed, Anders shifted in the water then he tenderly washed each leg, then he would run the sponge back up the inside, but he always stopped short of caressing her apex. Her body tensed as she moaned, "Maker, Anders, please."_

_Anders obeyed her pleas and moved the sponge between her legs, he stroked in small circles, increasing the speed and pressure as her body responded to his actions; she braced her foot against the side of the tub as she thrust her pelvis against his hand. He dropped the sponge and slid his fingers between slick folds while his other hand moved up to cup her breast. He dragged his thumb back and forth across the hard nipple. When he pinched and rolled the rigid peak between his fingers, she pushed against him even harder and whimpered._

_His fingers slid inside her hot core and her hips bucked against his hand. "Oh Ry, you're exquisite," he moaned as he gently nipped at her neck and shoulder, causing her to tremble against him. His lips licked and sucked their way back up to her ear and as he drew the tip of her earlobe into his warm mouth, his thumb circled and stroked the taut nub between her legs. She cried out his name as a he jerked in his arms and moved rhythmically against his hand._

"_Let go, Ry. Come on me," he groaned into her ear as he continued the steady stroking of her core while he teased her nipples._

_Rylee threaded her one hand though his hair as she grabbed his leg with other. She braced herself against him as he continued to manipulate her body to his will and desires. She threw her head back against his chest as he thrust his fingers deep inside her, she cried out his name as her body went ridged as the ecstasy over took her and she slipped over the edge. Her shook and trembled as each multiple wave crashed over her._

_He bit her neck feverishly as he pushed his throbbing groin into her bottom. "Ry, I need to be inside you…now," he growled._

_He had them out of the tub in a flash; he scooped her into his arms and pressed her against the mirror that was attached to the wall. Anders kissed and licked his way down her slender body, then he parted her thighs, he lifted one of her legs over his shoulder. Slowly, lovingly, he stroked his flat tongue against her core, drinking in her sweet honey taste._

_He peered around her hip to see her reflection pressed in the mirror. She grabbed his hair, pulling it hard to get his attention. _

_She grinned at him, "You're watching, aren't you?"_

_He nodded as he leaned back in and stroked her again then punctuated the action with a long hard suck of his lips. She moaned as her body quivered against his lips._

"_I want to watch too," she purred._

_Anders stood up, spun her around, she braced her hands against the mirror as he pulled her hips toward his, he entered her in one swift movement from behind and they both gasped from the luscious sensation of his fullness filling her._

_He looked at their reflection in the mirror, Rylee's hands pressed against the wall for support, her eyes fluttering closed with desire and need, her beautiful full breasts swaying as he began to move inside of her. Anders looked at his own eyes as they darkened with hunger, lust and love. He grasped her hips as he began to thrust harder and deeper into her._

"_Open your eyes, Ry. Watch the effect you have on me," Anders commanded. Her eyes opened and locked onto his._

_His hand slid around her hip and stroked between her legs while the other cupped and caressed her breast. Anders kissed her back and shoulders, he moaned as he pounded into her, and she swirled her hips back against him. "Oh fuck, Ry…I-I can't get enough of you," he growled as he plunged deeper and harder into her hot wet center. _

_She watched him in the mirror, beads of sweat on his skin, his eyes dark, and jaw tense with the effort to try to stay in control._

"_Fuck me, Anders. Let go and fuck me," she hissed._

_And he complied as he grabbed her hair and bit into her shoulder. She cried out in mixture of pain and ecstasy. She cried out his name as she threw her head back and arched against him. Her inner muscles constricted around him pulling him over the edge with her, draining him completely. He continued to move inside her, not wanting to leave the sanctuary of her body. Eventually he collapsed against her in sheer exhaustion burying his head into her back._

_He feathered kisses down her spine, "I love you so much, Ry."_

"_I love you too, Anders," she purred in exhaustion._

Anders sat up in bed; his groin has hard as rock and throbbing.

_Was that real or just a dream?_

_**It was a memory.**_

_Maker…you were right…she is perfect for me. _

**A/N – A huge shout out to everyone that has added this story to their favs and alert lists and to those that have shared your thoughts with me. I really appreciate it. I also want to thank those that have added me to their favorite author's lists. It is an honor to be mentioned among such great and talented writers. **

*** A big thanks to the randy minx, Jinxy, for being the most shagadelic beta ever. You are the best, my dear!**


	18. Chapter18 Nights Are Forever Without You

**Chapter 17- Nights Are Forever Without You**

"Lying in bed with the radio on, moonlight falls like rain  
>Soft summer nights spent thinking of you, when will I see you again<br>Soft and low the music moans, I can't stop thinking about you, thinking about you...  
>I didn't know it would be so strong, waiting and wondering about you<br>I didn't know it would last so long, nights are forever without you

Curtains still dance with the wind and the sky, the sun will be coming up soon  
>But I just can't sleep for thinking of you, here alone with the moon<p>

Soft and low the music moans, I can't stop thinking about you, thinking about you...  
>I didn't know it would be so strong, waiting and wondering about you<br>I didn't know it would last so long, nights are forever without you"  
><em>Nights Are Forever Without You by England Dan and John For Coley<em>

It had been three weeks since Rylee had left for Denerim. She would have arrived there over two weeks ago, but neither Anders nor Lillah had received a word from her regarding her safe arrival. However, Lillah had received a note from Alistair stating that Rylee was staying at the Palace and was charming everyone at court; even Anora was impressed with her. This meant nothing to Anders, but it made Lillah snort in disgust. Anders thought it best not to even approach the subject of Alistair at this time.

When not assisting Lillah with Warden business, Anders spent a lot of time reading Rylee's journal. He admired her loyalty to her family, her sense of duty to make their lives better and although for reasons unknown to him, it pained him to read about her steadfast faithfulness to her sister whose feelings for Anders had kept Rylee away from him even though she was in love with him. He also read about his own rejection of her after they had returned to from the Deep Roads because of Justice's demands, and how she had turned to Isabela to ease the pain. Rylee had been with Isabela for almost two years, but eventually broke it off because her heart only wanted him and she felt it was unfair to the pirate to remain in a relationship that would never go anywhere. Well, that explained Isabela's anger towards him.

Reading about their life together in Kirkwall helped him feel close to her and connected to her. Anders couldn't explain it other than it had to be the bonded soul connection, but he ached for her. He longed to be with her physically, not sexually, although from the frequent dreams that he had been having of the two of them, he wanted that more and more too, but he just wanted to be near her. There was something about her presence that called to him and calmed him. He missed her terribly and yearned to see her again. During the day, he could occupy his mind to keep from thinking about her, but at night she was the only thing his mind would dwell on.

Anders slid off his bed and headed to the room that she had stayed in. With the promise of returning to the Keep, Rylee had left a lot of her things there. He sat on the edge of her bed, pulled the throw blanket up and smelled it. The scent of lavender and vanilla inundated his sense and his mind flashed to a campfire scene.

_Rylee sat down beside him near the fire, the smell of vanilla and lavender wafting up. He leaned over and sniffed her, "Mmmm, you smell delicious."_

_She grinned at him, "Thank you. My mother just made this new soap for me. I'm glad you like it."_

_Anders nodded. "It…you smell wonderful."_

_A cool breeze blew and she shivered. He pulled off his robe's jacket and placed it around her shoulders. "Here, hopefully this will help keep you warm."_

_She snuggled down into, "Thank you."_

_They then had turned their attention to Varric, who was telling one of his stories of her escapades._

_"So Hawke stares up at the big ugly ogre and says, 'It's either you or me and I guarantee it isn't going to be me'…"_

_Rylee broke out into laughter. "Varric, I would never say that. I would use more wit even though it would be lost on the dumb beast. I would say something like, 'Maker's breath that's big! What the hell do they feed those things, puppies and kittens'?"_

_Varric beamed at her, "Thanks Hawke, that will add a lot more to the story."_

Anders continued to smell the blanket. _Was that you showing me that?_

_**No, that was your very own memory.**_

_Really? Can you tell me about that flashback?_

_**You should ask Varric. I do believe that is why Rylee left him hear at the Keep.**_

Anders nodded and headed out the door to hunt for the dwarf. He found Varric using the dummies in the sparring ring as target practice for Bianca.

"Hey Varric, would you care to spin me a tale?" Anders asked as he called out to him.

Varric turned and smiled, "Over a pint, I'll spin you the greatest story ever told if you want."

"I'll bring the ale only if you agree to tell me the truth," Anders replied.

"Sounds good to me, Blondie, meet me in the Warden's study in an hour."

An hour later with two cold mugs and a pitcher of ale, Anders met Varric in the study. Varric laughed when he saw Anders walk in, "How in a paragon's arse did you get a whole pitcher past Oghren?"

"Oh I sent him heading for cover by telling him that the guards saw Felsi heading this way and that she didn't look happy. Once he realizes it was rouse we will be done with this pitcher starting on the next," Anders chuckled as he filled each of the mugs.

"So what do you want to know, Blondie?"

"I had a flash of memory and I was hoping that you might be able to fill in the blanks," Anders said.

Varric sipped his ale and gave a nod so Anders relayed the memory of the camp scene. Varric grinned, "Aaah one of the best bets ever made…only because I won, the two of you lost and I had free ale for a month."

Varric went on to retell the tale of the bets, Rylee's game of the Five Senses Seduction and how the sense of smell was the one that had hooked Anders from the start. He chuckled as he came to the end of the story, "Up until the very end of our stay in Kirkwall, you would insist that Rylee wear that old coat of yours for at least a day so that her scent was on it. By the ancestors, she would come into the Hanged Man tripping on the damn thing and cursing so much that it made even Isabela blush. Deep down I think she really liked the idea of her scent on your clothes, otherwise she would never have gone along with it. No one made that woman do anything she didn't already want to do."

Anders chuckled as he sipped his ale. He thought about the story and about Rylee. "Varric, what is it about Rylee that makes her fight so relentlessly to save all those around her?"

"You're the one reading her journal. I would think the insight from her childhood would answer that question for you, but if you are asking my opinion, Hawke never started out as wanting to do anything more than support and protect her family. However, circumstances, her moral code and her love for those in her life would not let her walk away. Her need to protect those around her pulled her in deeper politically than she ever wanted…"

"When you talk about her need to protect, you are talking about me, aren't you?"

"Mostly, but I'm not just referring to you. She had put together a very motley crew of companions that she somehow made work and even if we didn't always like each, other we all worked very well together. However, to keep us out of jail and out of the grasps of the templars it took her using her wily, wily ways, her noble influences and lots of cash."

"She bribed people," Anders said shocked.

Varric roared with laughter. "I know you have no memory of this, but even then you were so naïve as to how you remained free. How else do you think a known and wanted apostate living with the Champion of Kirkwall was never arrested? Meredith was paid handsomely to turn a blind eye to you, my friend."

"What? Rylee paid off the Knight-Commander to keep the templars away from me?"

"Yep, that was how you could walk into the Gallows without having at least a dozen templars seizing you. They were commanded to look the other way, but it also gave Meredith power over Rylee, which she detested, so she gave that crazy bitch hell at every turn and for the most part, Meredith had to take it as long she accepted Rylee's money."

Even with no memory, Anders was in complete shock over this news. He was humbled by her actions and in awe of who she was, but it also ate at his pride that she was the one protecting him and not other way around.

"How could I have been so naive?"

"We see what we want to see, Blondie."

"So I did nothing to protect her, to keep her safe?"

"You were too caught up in your plight to notice much of anything. Rylee was a very busy girl while you were off plotting your little revolution with Justice."

Anders ran his fingers through his lose long hair. "What an incredible bastard I was! Why did she stay with me?"

"Well, if that wasn't the million sovereign question that was on everyone's lips? However, despite all of the relationship flaws that there were towards the end, you and Rylee had something that only comes along once in life time… something magical. Personally, Blondie, I believe if I live to be a hundred, I will never see two people more in love with each nor more devoted to one another than the two of you were."

Anders shook his head in disbelief. "Varric…where do I go from here?"

The dwarf laughed, "Only you can answer that. Where does your heart tell you to go?"

Anders paused for a long moment, "To her… it tells me to go to her."

"Then have the courage to follow it."

Anders sipped his ale. He thought about all that he knew about Rylee, about what he had read from her journal, about what others had said, what Justice had revealed to him and the few memories that had returned. Even without his memories, he knew what he wanted and he knew the only person that would ever make him happy was in Denerim. He smiled as he handed Varric, Rylee's journal, "Here, this might help you craft all those wild tales of yours."

Varric looked at the journal and then back at the mage, "Don't you need this to help spark some of those memories?"

"It doesn't matter what it says. I know all I need to know about who she is."

Varric laughed, "Well, it looks like the old Anders is still in there after all." Varric tucked the journal into his coat pocket. "I'm glad I got to see you one last time before Rylee get her hands on you. She is going to kill you when she find out you gave me her journal."

"If I know you the way I think I do, you'll just dream up something outrageous. I want to make sure that you get the love story right. Besides, I think you might find the real version much more interesting," Anders chuckled.

"Don't you want to read the real version or are you just going to take my word for it?" Varric asked.

"I don't need to remember. I know what I'm feeling and I'm going to go start a brand new chapter with Rylee."

"It's about sodding time you found your stones, Blondie. I always knew you had it in you."

"There you are, Anders…" Lillah said as she stuck her head in the library door. "I should have known I would find you getting drunk with a dwarf."

"You know me so well," Anders replied.

"Yes, apparently better than you know yourself now-a-days. The reason I was looking for you is because I need you to go with Oghren and Sigrun tomorrow to look at a potential recruit in Amaranthine."

Anders sighed, "Okay, fine."

"I'll go with you, Blondie. Bianca might get some action if I follow you around a bit."

"Great, now I'm just four dwarves and a poison apple short of really great tale," Anders muttered.

After Varric and Anders finished the pitcher, Anders made his way back to his room. He was thinking about Rylee's game of Five Senses Seduction when a vividly strong scene flashed across his mind.

_He and Rylee were seated at a table in front of a fireplace in a bedroom. She wore nothing, but a satin robe and Anders was dressed in noblemen's clothes. Anders had Rylee's hands clasped hands in his. "Ry, I had once told you that in the Circle, love was just game, that we never tried to take it too seriously because if the templars found out it would give them something to hold over us. For the most part, all of the mages lived by this unspoken code… except for a few brave souls that risked falling in love and knew they had met the person that they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with. Those mages would secretly hold a commitment ceremony and pledge their lives to each other."_

_Anders paused as he fell on his knees in front of Rylee, "Love, one day when all mages are free to live their lives and marry, I want to make you my wife, but until that day, I want the two of us to have a ceremony in front of our family and friends pledging our love and our lives to one another. Rylee Hawke, are you willing to stand beside me and bind yourself to me?"_

_Tears flowed down Rylee's cheeks as she sank to her knees in front of him, "Love, don't you know that I'm already bound to you? I love you, Anders. Our souls are linked together and even though in the eyes of the Chantry we aren't married, in my heart you are my husband."_

_Anders claimed her mouth passionately, penetrating deeply, taking her tongue and sucking it into his mouth. _

Anders grasped the doorframe as a wave of love and passion for her washed over him. He felt the joy that he had felt that night when she had said yes and every fiber of his being longed to hold her. He needed to go to her. Tomorrow he would write her to tell her that he was coming to Denerim.

_**Anders you need to avoid Denerim. You are a wanted apostate. You are safe here. You need to be patient and wait for her to return.**_

_I need to see her. I need to tell her that I love her. That I don't remember it all, but I remember that I love her and need her._

_**It's this type of irresponsible behavior with regards to her that got you into trouble in the first place. She promised you that she would return; have faith in her. **_

Anders drew in a deep sigh of frustration and resignation. _You're right, but I am still going to write her. _

_**If you must! **_

Anders rifled through his things and found his old coat. He pulled it out and smelled it… it still had a faint scent of lavender and vanilla on it. He lay in bed with his coat, thinking of her as he drifted off to sleep.

The following day Anders and his dwarves headed out for Amaranthine. They found the young rogue just outside the city, taking on two bullies that had obviously picked a fight with her. She was quick, nimble and had some good blade skills. She reminded him of Rylee the one time that he had seen her spar with Nate and Zev. Anders was actually sick over the idea of recruiting someone so young.

_A memory flashed through his mind of Rylee in the Deep Roads, leaping onto the back of an ogre and drawing her blade across the beast's neck._

_Terrified, Anders looked on, "Rylee be careful. You have a cut on your arm; don't let their blood mix in with yours."_

_As the monster fell, she jumped off, landed beside him. "Not to worry, I have my very sexy mage to take care of me."_

_He glared at her in frustration. "I can't heal the taint, Love. The only cure is to become a Grey Warden."_

_She grinned at him, "Well then we could be Wardens together."_

"_NO!"_

_She looked at him, shocked by his reaction. "Do you hate being a Warden that much?"_

_He was silent for a moment. "Being a Warden has some advantages… for example, the infamous Warden stamina that you seem to benefit from and enjoy." She smiled that roguish grin of hers and he could tell her mind had already gone off in that direction, but he grabbed her arm, forcing her to focus on him. "But it isn't a life I would wish on anyone, especially not you. Please be careful, Love, that is all I ask." _

"Do we really want to recruit someone so young? She barely looks of age," Anders said.

"It beats trying to survive in the streets barely scraping by to put food on the table," Oghren said.

"Anders, I know becoming a Warden wasn't your first choice, but since the Commander ended the Blight, the Wardens are viewed as a prestigious order once again. Many consider it an honor to be asked to join," Sigrun explained.

"Oh yeah, you should see them lining up at the Keep. I don't know if it's to join or just get the chance to sneak a peek at the Commander's arse," Oghren chortled.

"Oh, that's a reason to join - shorten your life span by thirty years, but stare at nice ass until your untimely death," Anders said dryly.

"Hey, there are worse ways to go," Oghren replied.

"Yes, that's true. Being a brood mother's bitch might rank up there with bad ways to die," Sigrun chimed in.

"I have never been more thankful for being a man," Oghren said with a shudder.

"Oghren, a brood mother may actually make an exception for you," Sigrun grunted.

"What can I say, all women love me," Oghren stated.

"Define love... I believe my definition and yours are very different," Anders stated.

"I have more women throwing themselves at me than you have in your wildest fantasies."

"Don't you mean throwing themselves at your blade, just to avoid you?" Sigrun chuckled.

"So Anders, tell me, man to dwarf, what was it like being with both cousins?" Oghren asked.

Varric started to choke as Anders' face turned red with anger. "What!" He demanded.

"Well, Sparkle Fingers, you must be the luckiest sod in all of Thedas. You have not only greased the Commander's wheel, but her cousin's as well. Too bad you couldn't grease them together, huh?"

"We are _**not**_ having this conversation," Anders growled.

"They both look so much alike… did you ever accidently call Rylee, Lillah or use a move on Rylee that you used on Lillah just to see if she liked it?"

"I'd be interested in your answer to that too," Varric added.

"Shut up dwarf, before I shoot a lightning bolt so far up your arse that it will clean your colon out for a week," Anders threatened.

"Oooo, I want to see that," Sigrun chortled.

"Oh, that's right. You don't remember what you did to her or how well you did it. You probably were really bad at it, that's why you forgot," Oghren stated.

"I'd watch it my dwarven friend, the last thing you want is to piss him off too much, he may blow up a Chantry or something," Varric chortled.

"It's the _something_ the two of you need to watch out for," Anders grunted as he turned to Sigrun. "Are we going to recruit this girl or not? I'm ready to get the hell out of here."

Three hours later, Anders, the dwarves and the rogue recruit whose name was Avery, walked through the gates of Vigil's Keep. Anders needed to be alone and immediately headed his room. Lying on his pillow was a sealed letter from Denerim.

He ripped it open and was pleased to see it was from Rylee.

_Dear Anders,_

_I hope this letter finds you well and settling in at Vigil's Keep. The trip to Denerim was uneventful for the most part – a few highway bandits, but nothing that we couldn't handle. Alistair was gracious enough to invite us to stay at the Palace. From all that I heard from you and Lillah, I expected Anora to be completely uncivil, but that couldn't be further from the truth. She has been a warm and generous host and it has been a pleasure to get to know the Fereldan Queen on a more personal level. She is definitely shrewd and calculating, but what woman of power and influence isn't? I personally like her and have enjoyed spending time with her._

_The main reason for my letter is to warn you that Sebastian Vael is in Ferelden. He had the nerve to appeal to Alistair for information regarding both of us. Alistair, of course, told him nothing. The King also warned him that he was on Ferelden soil and that neither he nor his knights had any authority here. Alistair went on even further to state that any crimes committed against his citizens would be viewed as an act of war. Other than wanting to see both of us dead, I don't know what Sebastian's plans are so until we have a better picture of what the Prince of Starkhaven has up his sleeves, please be careful, Anders. _

_Since I am staying at the Palace, Alistair couldn't offer for Sebastian to stay here too, so Arl Eamon will be hosting the Prince during his stay in Denerim. I think that it would be very unwise for me to try to leave the city while Sebastian remains here. I hope he intents on leaving soon. Once he is gone I will make plans to return to the Keep. _

_In the meantime, please be safe and take care._

_I miss you,_

_Rylee_

_p.s. Bethany told me tell you hello and to remind you that you owe her a sovereign for losing that last hand of Wicked Grace. _

Anders heart broke a little. He didn't know what he expected. When she had left, he had made it clear that he had no memory or feelings for her, so why would she pour her heart out in letter to him, but still it stung that for the most part the letter was very impersonal.

Anders immediately pulled out a piece of parchment and wrote her back.

_My dearest Rylee,_

_I am glad to hear that despite Sebastian's sudden appearance that you are enjoying your stay in Denerim. I hope that the trip has helped you find the peace and comfort that I know you were seeking. _

_The Keep hasn't been the same since you have left. It lacks the warmth and cheer that your presence brought. I understand the reason to delay your return, but please know, Ry, that I truly miss you and I long to see your smiling face once again. _

_With all of my heart,_

_Anders_

_p.s. Please tell Bethany that I said hello and that she isn't getting a sodding copper from me until I have my memory back and recall this so called game of Wicked Grace that she spoke of._

**A/N- *Thank you once again to everyone for your reviews and for adding this story to your alert and favs list. I truly appreciate you taking the time to read and review this story. It's wonderful hearing your thoughts and comments. I always try to reply to all of my reviews, but last was a crazy week. If missed responding to a review I apologize and please know that you reviews always brighten my day!**

*** Last, but never least I would like to thank Beta Goddess Jinxy for her mad crunk beta skills…she is so buck! More importantly, I want to thank her for her friendship and support. You're the best!**


	19. Chapter 19 Voice Within

**Chapter 18- Voice Within  
><strong>

When you're safe inside your room you tend to dream ,of a place where nothing's harder than it seems  
>No one ever wants or bothers to explain, of the heartache life can bring and what it means<p>

When there's no one else, look inside yourself  
>Like your oldest friend, just trust the voice within<br>Then you'll find the strength, that will guide your way  
>You will learn to begin, to trust the voice within<p>

Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed, it's so hard to stand your ground when you're so afraid  
>No one reaches out a hand for you to hold, when you're lost outside look inside to your soul<br>_Voice Within by Christina Aguilera_

It had been almost two months since Rylee had left for Denerim and still the Prince of Starkhaven remained in the city trying to wait her out. Sebastian must have paid handsomely to receive excellent intelligence on Rylee and knew that she remained in the city. At least she was safe within the Palace walls, but the need to see her again grew stronger and stronger with each passing day. However, he was at an impasse; he couldn't go to her because he was a wanted fugitive and she couldn't come back to him because of the Prince's threats to see her dead. So he waited, longing and yearning for her and he didn't even have the memories of their years together to fall back on to keep him sustained. He had a few flashes of their life, stories that Varric told that endeared her even more to him and personal accounts from Justice, but despite the lack of recall, all that Anders' heart and soul wanted was her.

Anders had spent most the morning training several younger mages in the ring when his hunger pains finally got the better of him and he headed into the dining hall for lunch. Lillah saw him and waved him over.

He smiled at his friend, "Yes, Commander."

"I have been meaning to talk with you and Varel has actually given me time off for good behavior. Would you mind having lunch with me in my office?"

"I would be delighted," Anders replied.

"Great! After you get cleaned up meet me there," Lillah said.

Anders raised an eyebrow, "Are you saying that I stink?"

"Worse than an Oghren ale fart!"

Anders laughed, "If I was that bad, you would have been passed out already."

"I've been holding my breath this entire time," Lillah huffed as she breathed through her mouth.

"Well, we all can't smell like a bouquet of roses, you know. Some of us do work for a living," he teased.

Lillah raised her arm and smelled, "It more like honeysuckle than roses and you're a mage, Anders. Use some magic on yourself before subjecting your fellow Wardens to your stench."

"What smell would you prefer me to wear today, Milady? Rotting darkspawn corpse, broodmother vomit or Oghren's ass? They all come highly recommended."

Lillah giggled and Anders saw a glimpse of the old Lillah shining through. "I believe Oghren's ass is the vilest of them all...let's go with that."

"Your wish is most certainly my command. One dose of Oghren's ass, coming up! I hope no one else is joining us for lunch they may not have a strong enough stomach for that."

Lillah smiled at him, "I will see you soon."

A short time later, Anders arrived at Lil's office, he knocked then entered and stopped dead in his tracks. She had ordered them a delicious looking meal of lamb stew, fresh baked rolls and Maker's breath… lemon meringue pie to be served.

Anders looked up at her, "Are you turning me over to the templars and is this supposed to be my last meal?"

"Well, not before I start chanting 'dead mage walking!'" Lillah grinned. "I just wanted to have a nice lunch with an old friend…well, in your case it's actually two old friends."

"Hey! Speak for yourself, Ole' girl, we're not old. We are still in the prime of our life, thank you very much. It's not like I'm using my staff as a walking stick yet."

Lillah laughed, she gestured for him to take a seat as she poured each of them a glass of wine then sat down across from him. "I know that we didn't get off to the best start when you arrived, Anders, and I want you to know that I truly appreciate you not mentioning to Rylee, my feeble attempt to seduce you."

"Oh, that's what that was?" Anders questioned.

Lillah's cheeks blushed, "Well obviously it was so pathetic you couldn't even tell what it was."

"How do you know that I didn't bring it up to Rylee?"

"Because if you had, I would have received a letter tearing me a new one, using every name in the book and probably a few new ones that Rylee and Isabela would have invented especially for me."

"Isabela, yes, but I think Ry might have magically grown some wings just to fly over here and kick your ass in such a fashion that you'd think you were the new Archdemon."

Lillah raised an eyebrow, "And how would you know that? Has your memories come back?"

"Not all of them, but I know without a doubt that when Rylee loves someone so fiercely, she would do anything to protect them; even if she has to get into a fight with her closest family member to do it."

Lillah smiled, "I see that you have used your time here wisely to reflect and observe on your relationship with Rylee. Have you also taken the time to do the same with Justice?"

"Justice is not a problem. We have everything under control," Anders replied defensively.

"That isn't what I asked, Anders. If you don't take the time to reflect on your past mistakes, you are doomed to repeat them. I for one would like to forgo anymore Chantries being blown up. I would think you and Justice would want the same thing."

"Yes of course, but I am gaining control of my anger. It's just a difficult process to work through. I am trying."

"I understand that, but understanding the root of the anger and coming to terms with that will help you control it."

Anders ran his hands through his hair in frustration. "I don't know how, Lil. I can't help what I feel. Surely you can understand that."

"Yes, I can. All mages have faced cruel templars and mistreatment at their hands, but you feel those abuses much deeper than most, and you have allowed the oppression of mages to twist your empathy and compassion into anger and vengeance." She paused for a moment as she collected her thoughts. She reached across the table and clasped his hand. "Anders, I heard rumors of the templars brutal treatment of you the numerous times you were brought back to Circle, and if half of those stories are true then you have every reason to be angry, bitter and want revenge, but holding on to those feelings will only destroy you. You have to deal with what has been done to you so that you can release it and move on."

_**She is as wise as her cousin and she is right, Anders. I have seen the images of the abuses you suffered in your mind. They are horrible and cruel and no one should inflict that type of pain on another, but you have to find a way to come terms with it. **_

"How do I do that, Lil? How do I come to terms with it?"

She was silent for a long moment, "I have never suffered the way that you have, but I have known pain and heartache…when I ended everything with Alistair, I wrote him a letter and poured my soul into it. I told him how he had crushed my heart, shattered my dreams and nearly broke me… the damn thing was nearly ten pages long. I never sent it to him; when I sat down to write it I never had any intention of ever sending it to him. It was the process that helped me to heal. It was liberating to say everything I ever wanted to say to him, no matter how vile and not worry about the repercussions. It was cathartic, healing and most importantly freeing. You could start there, Anders. Your wounds are deeper than mine, but that would be a good place to start."

Anders was humbled by Lillah's concern for him and her willingness to help him deal with these issues. Only another Circle mage could truly understand what he had been through and the abuses he had witnessed, he was grateful to her.

"Thank you, Lil. I really appreciate your council and you're right I need to find a way to deal with my past so that I don't allow it to destroy my future."

She squeezed his hand; he lifted his head and looked into her eyes. He saw compassion, love and he could swear there was also sadness there. "If you love Rylee, the way you say you do, then you must come to terms with this. If you don't and you and Justice head down that same path, you will destroy her."

Anders heart quickened with panic, "Why do you say that?"

"I know you gave Varric her journal, but did you bother to read the last few entries leading up to the destruction of the Chantry?" Anders shook his head. "You might want to read those. I'm sure they are more in depth than the letters she sent me and her account to me was heartbreaking."

Anders was shocked as pain shot through his heart at the thought of hurting her. "I-I don't know what to say. I can't imagine ever hurting her…"

"It wasn't deliberate, Anders, but watching someone you love mentally spiral out of control has to be a scary and painful thing to live through. I don't know if I would have had the strength to witness that."

Tears stung Anders' eyes as the realization of what Rylee had been through, what she had endured and the strength it took to stand by him, hit him full force. "I definitely will ask Varric for the journal back… Rylee is the most important thing in my life. I would do anything to ensure that I don't hurt her again, not if there is something I can do to prevent it."

Lillah smiled at him. "Good, that is what I wanted to hear, Anders. I love my cousin and I love you too. I don't want to see either one of you getting hurt."

When they had finished their lunch, Anders went in search of Varric. It came as no surprise to find him with Oghren, sharing a pitcher of ale out in the field behind the Keep.

"Well, what a shocker to find two dwarves sucking down ale in the middle of the day," Anders said dryly.

"It's afternoon, and no dwarf worth his beard would be caught dead without a mug of ale in his hand," Oghren grunted.

"Are you trying to imply something about my lack of a beard?" Varric asked.

"Never, I just question if you really are a dwarf, that's all," Oghren replied.

"I am two times more dwarf than you. You look like a female bronto compared to a fine debonair dwarf like me," Varric retorted.

Oghren snorted. "No dwarf I know has a crazy obsession with a sissy crossbow that he named after a woman."

"You both look like fat, miniature elves, but that's just my opinion," Anders stated.

"That's it! Death a la mage, coming up!" Oghren bellowed.

"Oh look! There's Felsi," Anders shouted as he pointed toward the Keep.

"I'm not falling for that one again Sparkle Fingers," Oghren grunted as he began to lift his mug to take a sip. In mid-air, Oghren paused as he went all cross-eyed and fell back completely passed out cold.

Varric looked at the dwarf beside him and then at Anders, "You're a healer, aren't you going to heal him."

"There is no cure for stupidity," Anders replied solemnly. "Look Varric, I need to borrow Rylee's journal for a bit."

"Is it 'trick a dwarf day' and no one informed me about it? I'm not falling for that one. How do I know you'll give it back?"

"You have my word, when I'm through with it, I will give it back," Anders vowed.

"Alright, I can live with that. What do you want it back for anyway? I thought you knew everything you wanted to know."

"I need to read about those last months leading up to the destruction of the Chantry." Varric's face went pale. "Is it that bad?" Anders asked.

"All I'll say is. Have a few shots of brandy before attempting to read it. And if you have any questions don't hesitate to come see me."

"Seriously, Varric, how bad was it? How bad did I hurt her?"

"If you want brutal honesty, Blondie, I'll give it to you. Hawke is the strongest person I know and to say that you crushed her and brought her to her knees would be an understatement."

Anders felt the bile begin to rise up his throat as everything started to spin. He grabbed for a tree to hold onto when he felt a hand smack him across the face. "Don't you dare pass out me, Anders. One comatose dwarf is all I have the patience to deal with today."

With the journal and a bottle of wine in hand, Anders made his way to his room. When he entered, he found that a letter had been delivered for him and his heart skipped a beat when he recognized Rylee's handwriting. He broke the seal and smiled as he read.

_Dear Anders,_

_Your letter brought a smile to my face and hope to my heart. At the same time, I'm afraid of letting that hope grow. When I left there was a lot that was left unsaid between us and it has left this feeling of being both scared and at peace, of having butterflies while also a sense of calm. I'm not sure if you are feeling the same way, but if you are, I think after all that we have been through, that is a good thing. We have been through our share of storms and we have come out of them stronger together. I hope that we will fair this storm too and come out even better. _

_Anders, there are so many things I want to say to you, but I don't want to put any additional pressure on you by saying things that would make you feel uneasy or that you simply don't want to hear. So I will simply say that I wish that I didn't have to miss you. I wish there wasn't this distance between us and I wish that I didn't have to try and understand if you don't feel the same way because you have no memory of us. _

_Wishing you were here,_

_Rylee_

Anders smiled as he read the letter again. He agreed that when she left there was a lot left unsaid between them. He knew that he hurt her even if unintentionally. He could understand her being reluctant to open up to him and he knew it was up to him to make take the first step in making things right between them. He wanted her to know without a doubt, she was the only one for him.

He pulled out a piece of parchment and began to write.

_My dear beautiful Rylee,_

_If I were given three wishes, I would first ask to wake up in your arms every day for the rest of my life. I want to breathe in the same air you breathe, I want to see your smiling face and feel your warmth next to me. My second wish would be that I never harm you, disappoint you, or break your heart again. I only want to love you like no one ever has before. I want to cherish you the way you deserved to be. I want to spend the rest of my days bringing you only joy. My third wish - it really is very simple – it's that you would tell me that you want these things too. I know I've hurt you, I don't deserve your forgiveness…I definitely don't deserve you, but if you could possibly find it in your heart to forgive me for all the pain that I have caused you and that you still love me and want me with you, I will be the happiest man alive. _

_One word from you, Love, and I am sure this can be done, because I love you, Rylee, more today than I did before and it only gets stronger with time; it doesn't fade. I will always love you; this much I'm sure of. I don't want diamonds, gold or a million sovereigns. None of that could make me as happy as I would be to just have you in my life once again!_

_You are my life, my heart and my soul!_

_Anders_

Anders sealed the letter and had it sent off immediately. For the first time in weeks he had hope and something to look forward to. Then he poured himself a large glass of wine and settled on his bed to read her journal. He started about ten pages from the last entry.

_It has been touch and go for the past couple of days and now that I'm back, I swear I was in the Fade. I saw Father, Mother and Carver. Father hugged me, he told me he loved me and how proud he was of me. It all seemed so real, but Bethany said she never lost my pulse, that not even for a second did I slip to the other side, so it had to have been a dream. _

Anders heart was pounding in his chest. She almost died, she had been in the Fade and her sister was healing her. Where the hell was he?

_Justice, where were we?_

_**I know nothing of this. I'm sorry.**_

Anders continued reading.

_When I finally woke, I was relieved to find that I was in my own bed and to see my sister smiling down at me, but as I glanced around the room at my friends that were there standing vigil over me, one face was missing. I asked where Anders was and Isabela bitterly stated that Anders was nowhere to be found. He hadn't been home for three the days that I had been at deaths door, he hadn't been at the clinic either. As my friends realized just how bad things had become, the looks of pity that they gave me made the bile rise into my throat, but I remained strong and it wasn't until the door closed after the person left that I allowed myself to cry. My lover, my best friend, my bonded soul mate had no idea how close he had come to losing me and he never would. I made each and every one of my friends give me their word that they would never breathe a word of this to Anders. The real question is - is there even enough of Anders left that he would even care if I had died._

Tears ran down Anders' cheeks as his heart clenched in his chest.

_What the fuck, Justice? What did we do to her that she would think I wouldn't care whether she lived or died?_

The Spirit was silent for a long time. _** I have no knowledge of this incident…**_

_I didn't ask you about your fucking knowledge. I asked you what did we do to her before this point that would lead her to believe that I wouldn't care if she died._

_**I told you, Anders that I had wronged her and that is why I wanted to help make things right between the two of you.**_

_What __**did**__ you __**do**__, Justice?_

_**I used your greatest fear and greatest belief about yourself to turn you against her.**_

_And what was that?_

_**Your greatest fear was losing her and your belief was that you didn't deserve her.**_

Anders heart beat loudly in his chest as anger coursed through his veins.

_So you did what?_

_**I caused you to doubt her faithfulness to you. I made you paranoid, doubting her every word. I forced you to see things that weren't there and believe the worse about her…. I was wrong, Anders. I wasn't myself because by this point, vengeance had twisted us both.**_

_MOTHER FUCKER!_

Anders flipped several pages back in the journal. He came to a page where water had splashed on the paper and the ink had run down the page smearing the majority of the words, but there were a few words that were clear.

_Anders has gone insane…completely lost control…can't take the pain anymore…punched…broke…need to leave!_

Anders breath was ragged as he desperately tried to rein in his emotions.

_IF we hit her, I swear I will throw us off a cliff just so that I can be rid of you!_

_**No! You never hit her. As angry as I was at her at the time, I would never have allowed you touch her violently. **_

_Then what is she referring to when she says, punched and broke? _

_**The two of you had a horrific fight. You needed her help to gather the ingredients to make the bomb. She knew you were lying to her and she called you out on it. You threatened her, called her names and when she refused to back down from you, you punched the wall and broke your hand. **_

Anders pulled his knees up to his chest and wept.

_She should have left me! Why did she stay with me? _

_**Because there were times that you… the real Anders was able to break through the hate, the anger and the hold that I had on you, and she would see that you were there. It gave her hope that she could save you.**_

Anders jaw stiffened as a clear truth rang out in his statement. _You allowed me to break through so that she didn't kill us._

Justice hesitated before he replied.

_**Yes, if she thought for even a moment that I had completely taken you over, she wouldn't have hesitated to end our life, but as long as she though a piece of you was still in there, she couldn't bring herself to do it. I needed you alive long enough to follow through with my plan.**_

_You fucking bastard!_

_**Yes.**_

_I honestly don't deserve her. She would be better off without me._

_**You're wrong. Those last few years were terrible, but they were a result of your anger corrupting me and twisting our goals. That is why it's so important, Anders, for you to deal with your past and overcome this anger that I can feel building up inside you again.**_

_Damn straight, I'm pissed. I'm seriously fucking pissed off at you. You completely manipulated my life, you nearly destroyed the woman I love and oh yeah, together we blew up a bunch of innocent people. _

_**Anders, please calm down and listen to me. We can't change the past, we can only learn to live with the consequences and work at changing the future. **_

_Did you read that off of a fucking fortune cookie? And what if I can't control my anger, this whole bloody mess will start again. I can't even remember most of it, but I know it was bad. I can't go through that again and I sure as hell refuse to put her through that again. _

Anders slid off the bed and started shoving things into his bag.

_**Anders, you can't leave. **_

_I sure as hell can. As long as I have you as an extra passenger, there is always a possibility that I can hurt her again. _

_**And you think leaving without even so much as a good-bye won't kill her.**_

Anders was halted in place as a scene flashed across his mind.

_He and Rylee were laying in a meadow on a blanket, she was smiling and her eyes danced as she fed him strawberries. _The scene changed…_They were dancing in her room; he spun her around then grabbed her around the waist with his arms and picked her up. She was laughing as her arms went around his neck and she kissed him._ The scene changed again…_He was sitting on the sofa, Rylee's head was resting in his lap as she read the paper and he read his manifesto. _New scene…_Anders stood on the beach and watched in awe as she stripped out of her clothes and once completely naked, jumped into the waves. She smiled radiantly at him. "Are you going to come and get me?" _New scene…_They were walking along a dirty road, he looked over at her and grinned as he said a line to an inside joke they shared, "Whose your Daddy?" She smiled back at him, "I'll never tell." Anders smacked her bottom and tickled her waist, "Come on say it." Rylee squealed as she jumped from his grasp. "I'm not saying," she teased. Anders chased her and pinned her against a tree, he leaned into her and swirled his tongue along her neck, "Say it!" She sighed as she said, "You are, of course." _

_**The two of you are perfect together; you were happy and good for each other. You say you love her, well if you do, act like a man and do whatever it takes to keep her.**_

Anders sat on the bed as he replayed those moments of their life together. He felt genuine joy and he could tell that she was truly happy.

_I want to see her face light up like it did in those memories._

_**Well, then you're going to have to work for it.**_

_I'll do whatever it takes._

**A/N - *A huge thank you to those of you, who have favored, alerted and reviewed this. You make my day so much brighter. I look forward to hearing your thoughts.**

***** **Check out, Jinxy gettin' down with her crunk ass beta skills. Yo mofo! Did you just get funky with my bling and put a hole in my flows? I naws you did. Pimpin', drinkin' and grindin' – that's how she rolls. Fo sho!**


	20. Chapter 20 Let's Stay Together

**Chapter 19 – Let's Stay Together **

"Ooh, loving you forever, is what I need  
>Let me be the one you come running to, I'll never be untrue<br>Ooh, baby, let's, let's stay together  
>Loving you whether, whether times are good or bad, happy or sad<br>Whether times are good or bad, happy or sad"

_Let's Stay Together by Al Green_

Anders had been writing non-stop for the past three days as he took both Lillah and Justice's advice to heart. It was time for him to confront his own demons and to deal with them so that he didn't repeat the mistakes of the past. He had almost a hundred pages and the words still kept coming, flowing out of like an endless river. He poured his heart out about the abuses that he has suffered and seen at the hands of the templars. He ranted about the injustices of the Circle and the Chantry, and when his anger would reach a peak, Justice would show him a memory of the templars from his past that had been kind and offered aid.

Justice showed Anders images of Ser Thrask who enlisted Rylee's aid to help escaped apostates. Ser Agatha, who enlisted Rylee's aid to help deal with citizens that were harboring apostates. Ser Cullen, who supported Rylee in the end against Meredith and let her go free. Justice then showed Anders the mages who had turned on Rylee and fought against her, the list was long and extensive and it was a wonder that she hadn't spent the majority of her time hunting and killing blood mages. The point that Justice was trying to make was that there was good and bad on both sides, and Anders was wrong assume that all templars were evil and all mages were good and just misunderstood.

As Anders looked at the pages of parchment before him, he realized that a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He was far from being healed from the pains of his past, but he was definitely making strides. He would do whatever took not to inflict the type of pain he had on Rylee. He loved her too much to ever do that to her again.

There was a knock at his door and Lillah stuck her head in. "Hey there."

Anders smiled at her, "Hey yourself."

"Still busy working out your issues," Lillah chucked as she looked at the stacks of paper.

"I think I've burned myself out for now."

"Well, if you're looking for a break I could use your help."

Anders stood up and walked over to her. "Of course, Lil, what do you need?"

"I need you and Oghren to escort Neria to Amaranthine and help several mages that need to be smuggled out of the City."

"Neria's back?"

"Yes, she has been back for a couple of weeks. Since Rylee is trapped in Denerim for the time being, Neria had some work to do with the Underground. She has been in Highever. Teryn Cousland had sent word to the Mage Underground that he had been harboring a few apostates, but that the templars had been snooping around lately and it would be wise to move them. She has just returned and needs to take care of the mages in Amaranthine."

"Of course I'll help."

"Good, but before I send you back into the City, we need to come up with a better disguise. There are just too many templars and Starkhaven knights running around to take any chances."

"You aren't going to make me wear a dress and a wig are you?"

She smirked at him, "If you shaved that stubble, you could make a pretty girl."

"Bite me!"

Lillah laughed. "Meet me in my room in twenty minutes."

Anders spent the next several hours while Lillah worked on changing the color of his hair, by using plant dyes and extracts. He was currently sitting in chair with a towel wrapped around his head because the heat helped change the color. There had to be a quicker way to do this.

"Maker's balls, is this what women go through all the time?" Anders grumbled.

"The price of beauty," Lillah said as she pulled the towel off of his head and gasped. "Oh fuck," she whispered.

Anders leapt out of the chair and ran to the mirror. His eyes went wide in horror. "It's fucking pink, Lil. You made my hair fucking pink. I thought the point was to blend in, not draw attention to myself. Maker's cock, it looks like someone threw up cotton candy all over my hair."

Lillah was rifling through the pages of instructions. "I did exactly what it said to do."

Just then the door opened, Oghren and Varric walked in. "Has anyone told you it's polite to knock before entering a room?" Anders asked.

Both of the dwarves eyes went wide before they burst out laughing.

"Oh, sodding hell, you look like a woman!" Oghren snorted

"A very slutty one," Varric added. "Are you going undercover like that? 'Cause I can't imagine anyone spotting you like that."

"Oh no, not at all. We'll blend right in, right alongside the skirt wearing freak with pink hair. Hold on a minute while I go get my clown suit," Oghren cackled.

"Do you have a spare?" Varric asked.

"Zev is going to be pissed if the Broma Brothers make an appearance without him," Lillah stated.

"It will serve that sodding elf right for leaving me while he went off to try and hook up with the Champion. This is what he gets...bros before hoes."

Anders face turned as pink as his hair, "Shut the fuck up dwarf!"

"Hey, who knew you could make your skin match your hair." Varric chuckled before he added, "Why don't you do that blue man thing of yours again? It will look marvelous with your new do."

"Aaah, pink and blue, are you expecting, Anders? When do you think you will begin to show? " Oghren asked as he rubbed his belly.

Anders whirled around to face Lillah. "Change it, Lil! Use magic or whatever you have to do but fix my fucking hair."

"I don't have a 'fix your fucked up hair' spell in my arsenal."

"Well, you bloody well better invent one. It's your fault my hair is pink. How about I make yours purple and green and then we can call it even?"

Lillah's mouth gapped open as she involuntarily reached for her strawberry blond locks. "Don't you dare! I'll give you a nice pair of boobs to go along with your hair if you even think of flicking a finger in my direction."

Through gritted teeth Anders growled, "Fix it, Lil!"

"Fine! Sit down and stop your bitching. I'll see what I can do. Damn, your hair has only been pink for a few minutes and you're already as hormonal as a woman."

The dwarves turned to head out the door as Oghren said, "I'll bet you pitcher he ends up with flaming red hair."

Varric chuckled, "You're on!"

Several hours later, Lillah had corrected the color as best as she could. He stared at his reflection in the mirror and it wasn't bad. She had managed to darken the pink and by adding some kind of brown extract it was now a light mahogany brown. It was similar to Rylee's hair color…maybe a few shades lighter.

Lillah was very pleased with herself. "See, I knew I could do it."

"It only took eight hours. Don't give up your day job," Anders grunted.

Lillah smacked his shoulder. "Hey, a little gratitude would be nice. I could have left you with that pink monstrosity on top of your head."

"Thank you, Lil," Anders said, truly grateful that she had managed to get his hair to a decent color. He just hoped it didn't all fall out.

"I have a fake beard that I am coloring to match with your hair. It will be ready for you in the morning," Lillah explained.

"I'm really a goatee kinda guy," Anders stated.

"I could make you wear a full mustache and make you look like one of those cheesy guys that work at the Randy Stag."

"You wouldn't dare!"

"Don't tempt me, Anders."

"Fine, whatever you want, Lil," Anders said resigned.

She grinned at him, "I'll see what I can do on the goatee front."

He smiled as he headed for the door, "Thanks."

His stomach growled so he headed for the dining hall to see if there was anything left. The cook smiled at him and said, "You're luck, sweet stuff. I was just about to put this away."

She passed him a bowl of stew, handed him some bread and then shooed him out the door.

Anders had just sat down and was about to take his first bite when a young boy ran up to him. "Warden Anders?"

"That's me."

"I have a message for you."

Anders could see Rylee's handwriting on the outside. It had been two weeks since he had sent his letter to her and he had been impatiently waiting for her reply. He tipped the young boy and then ripped the letter open.

_My Love,_

_There is no question that I desire all the things you wished for. From the moment you first kissed me, I knew that with you, I would be a part of the greatest love I would ever know and the worst heartbreak I could ever imagine, and I still chose you. I will always choose you. Our problems and heartbreaks have been very public, there are people that question why we are still together and from your letter I sensed that even you question why I want to be with you. It's because I have come to discover the true definition of love… it's Anders. The time that we shared together was breathtaking. I don't know if you have your memory back or not, but let me tell you about the man I know that no one else does. _

_It's in his arms that I feel safe; it's his embrace that makes me feel loved. His presence lingers in my mind when we are apart and my very soul yearns to be back in his protective arms where I am loved, adored and cherished. He cares for me in ways that no one can or ever will. When life had broken my heart, he helped me pick up the pieces and he healed me. He was my strength when I felt I couldn't go on, he was my anchor when the storm threatened to pull me under, and he was my refuge when I needed to just shut out the rest of the world. He is the only person in this world that knows who I truly am and still loves me despite all of my flaws. _

_The time that we have spent with each other was always blissfully sweet. Whether relaxing together on the sofa, walking Taboo, dancing in each other's arms or making love in the moonlight, my life with this man is wonderful, passionate, serene and completely unpredictable… and I wouldn't want it any other way. The short time that we were actually together, we loved more passionately, more deeply and more genuinely then most people do in a life time. Anders is my partner, my love, my best friend. Together we have faced many storms, overcome many hardships because whether we were facing good or bad times, we knew we could survive anything if we faced it together. _

_Thank you, Anders for defining what true love is for me. _

_All of my love,_

_Rylee_

Anders had desperately needed to hear these words from her. After reading her accounts of those few months in Kirkwall, he honestly didn't know what she had ever seen in him and why she would want to be him. Her reassurance that she had loved their life together and that he had impacted her life in a good way was exactly the encouragement he needed to keep working to come to terms with his past and to control his anger.

**xxXxx**

The small party walked through the gates of the City looking for the contact that they were supposed to meet near the market distinct. They saw a woman standing near one of the stalls, dressed in a navy blue traveling cloak with her hood drawn up around her face. They approached her cautiously.

"My garden is full of weeds this year, the herbicide isn't working," Neria whispered.

"Perhaps you should use a shear to clip the weeds," the woman said.

"Shears are too indiscriminate; besides, weeds must be pulled out by the roots. Perhaps you could come and pull them out, for the usual fee?" Neria replied.

"Wait? What? Who pulled what from where?" Oghren asked confused.

Anders couldn't help, but stifle a laugh, "My quill is long, hard and yellow."

"Or the cock is in the hen house, I repeat the cock is in the hen house," Varric chortled.

"You realize that those aren't Underground codes," Neria said.

"Yes, I know. These ones are much cooler. You should consider using them," Anders said.

"How about, Big Monkey has acquired the fat vulture; still needs to obtain the drowning baby. Meet by the Crown in twenty to break your heart," Varric said.

"Ooo, I like that," Anders said.

"How about, does the carpet match the drapes, I repeat does the carpet match the drapes?" Oghren asked.

Neira slapped the dwarf in the back of the head, "Shut up!"

Varric laughed, "That was almost the same reaction Rylee got when she used code phrases."

"Can we use code names too?" Oghren asked.

"I want Plenty O'Toole," Anders stated.

"Well, that wishful thinking," Varric chuckled.

Oghren's brows furrowed, "Hey, it was my suggestion. I want a code name too."

"How about Anaconda Little?" Anders suggested.

"My spy name is Wolf Steele, codename the Storyteller, and I am known in the world of espionage as being an excellent lover," Varrice stated.

"Yeah, only if you're wooden, pointy and named Bianca," Neria said. "I want my spy name to be Claudia Maria Viasquez DeMarco."

"That's a mouth full," Varric chortled.

"Codename Mountaineer and I am known in the world of espionage as being able to talk my way out of anything," Neria replied.

"Naah, Neria your name should be Alotta Fagina," Anders said dryly.

"I think yours really should be Anders Whatadick," Neria retorted.

"Well, he doesn't have a last name. We could give him that one. I think we could make it stick," Varric stated matter-of-factly.

"I do believe giving me any last name would need to be taken up with Mrs. Anders and I also believe that Rylee would kick your ass if you ever called her Mrs. Whatadick."

The woman in the cloak looked at them as if they were all crazy, "Have you all gone mad?"

"Oh, bloody hell," Anders said as he leaned in and whispered, "We are here to help with your magical problem."

The woman glared at Anders then over at Neria, "Next time, could you bring people that are more professional?"

Neria shrugged her shoulders. "This is all that I've got to work with. I know it's hard to believe this is the brilliant crew that helped the Hero and Champion kill an archdemon and defeat the Arishok."

"Maker's breath how is it that we are all still alive?" The woman asked.

"Luck!" They all said in unison.

"And ale…lots and lots of ale," Oghren added.

The woman rolled her eyes and sighed, "Follow me."

She led them down an alley that had several twists and turns before they approached a warehouse door, using a key, she opened the door and let them in. There were hundreds of crates stacked from the floor to the ceiling, so it was impossible to tell the depths of the room. The woman led them through a maze, into the center of the room where Anders stopped dead in his tracks. There were at least fifty mages gathered in the space, huddled in blankets to keep warm.

"Are all of these mages being smuggled out?" Anders asked.

"No, some are just looking for a safe haven while passing through. Some are from Amaranthine and they are just riding out the storm, waiting to see what happens," the woman explained.

He heard several people cough and saw a man grasping his side. "With all of these mages, there isn't a healer among them?"

"We actually had two excellent healers, but both just left this morning on a ship heading for Antiva. There are a few mages here that know minor healing spells, but they become drained very quickly."

"I'm a healer and from what I've been told, I'm a pretty good one. Let me help these people," Anders said.

"You're one of the best, Blondie," Varric said.

The woman's eyes furrowed as she looked at Anders mahogany hair. Anders smiled, "Inside joke."

"Well, if you can help them, I am sure they would appreciate it. By the way, I'm Sophie," the woman said.

"It's nice to meet you, I'm Anders."

Her eyes widened, "The Anders?"

"Aaah no, just Anders," he said as headed over to the group to begin healing them.

Anders spent the next several hours healing as many as he could until he was completely drained. He collapsed onto a cot. Neria came over to him, handed him a cup of tea then sat beside him.

"Thank you," Anders said weakly.

"You're welcome. You did a good thing here today."

"Yes, minor compared to all the bad I've done."

"Anders, some consider what you did as wrong, but I guarantee that every mage in this thinks of you as a hero."

Anders snorted. "I am no hero."

"Yes, you are. You have changed the lives of every mage in Thedas."

Anders looked at the huddled mass in the center of the room. "And can you honestly say it's for the better?"

"Right now, it's not easy, but you have forced the world to see that it's inhuman to treat mages as anything less than human. Once the dust settles, it will be essential for the Chantry to examine its treatment of mages and make changes if it hopes to sustain its power. I know you don't see it as a good thing, but I completely disagree with you."

"I took the lives of innocent people, Neria."

"I know and I know that is eating at you, but in war sometimes there are innocent causalities."

"There wasn't a war until I fired the first shot."

She rested her hand on Anders knee. "And I for one am glad you did. Do I want to see the lives of innocent people taken? No, I don't, but how many innocent lives have we seen destroyed by the abuses of the templars and no way voice to our pain or plight? How many mages have been raped and beaten and no one did anything to stop it?"

Anders felt that old anger stir deep inside of him; the flame licking at the pain, resentment and injustices of it all.

_**Anders, don't feed that anger. Remember there is good and bad on both sides.**_

"Neria, not all templars are bad and the Champion has fought against her fair share of mages that were far from good." As Anders spoke the words, he felt the anger subside.

"Yes, mages forced to resort to extreme measures in order to fight against the oppression."

Anders smiled sadly. "You sound like I did not too long ago, but I've come to realize that there is good and evil on both sides and this isn't a black and white situation. It is filled with a lot of grey. You're right, we can't go back to the way it was, but taking more innocent lives will not solve this problem."

Neria was silent for a long moment, "You're right Anders, but I'm still glad if what you did draws attention to the oppression that all mages face. I'm sorry that innocent lives were taken, but if that action changes the way we are treated, then I'm not sorry about the outcome."

Anders nodded. "That is understandable."

The following day, Anders and Neria managed to get the Highever mages out of town completely undetected. Anders decided that he would be of more use staying and helping those mages that remained in the warehouse. Oghren and Neria were going to head back to the Keep, so Anders sent a letter for Rylee with them, informing her that he was helping in with the Underground in the city.

Over the next several weeks, Anders worked long hours healing the sick and injured and helping move mages in and out of the city undetected. He would fall onto his cot completely exhausted and quickly fall asleep. The hectic schedule that he kept had occupied his mind and kept him from dwelling on how much he missed Rylee. For the first time in a long time, he felt that he had a purpose that he was doing what he loved to do, and despite desperately yearning for Rylee, he was happy.

_**This is what you were born to do. This is why I wanted to help you in the first place, Anders. You have a kind heart and you want to help those around you. **_

_I want to get back to the basics, Justice. I want to do what I love doing and I want Rylee by my side. I just don't know if that is possible now. It's kind of hard to have a healing practice when templars and knights are hunting you at every turn. _

_**You're making a difference now, Anders. Be patient, it will all work out. **_

_Read another fortune cookie, did you?_

Anders had just sat down to eat what looked like a very distasteful bowl of soup when both Varric and Neria rushed in.

Anders looked up at them in surprise. "Aaah, what are you two doing here?"

"Lillah, needs you back at the Keep immediately," Neria said.

Anders grabbed his staff and followed them for the door, "Is she injured or sick?"

"No, it isn't Lillah, it's Rylee," Varric said.

Anders felt panic begin to rush through his veins. "What about Rylee?"

"I don't know and Lil wouldn't say until you were back," Varric said. He looked Anders up and down. "Pull up that travel hood and don't make eye contact with anyone. The horses are just outside the city gates."

It didn't take them long to reach the stables and take off towards the Keep. Anders pushed them and the horse hard and they arrived in record time. Anders leapt off the horse and raced through the halls to Lillah's office, without even knocking, he barged in.

"Lillah, what…" The words died in his mouth as he stared at a bloody and wounded Nathaniel Howe. Lillah was examining his wounds and healing him as she went.

"Anders, have a seat. Once I have finished healing Nate he will give both of us a full report," Lillah instructed.

Anders did as he was told and he patiently waited for Lillah to finish; what seemed like years later, but in reality was only several minutes Nate was completely healed. Lillah and Nate joined Anders in the chairs by the fire.

"What happened?" Anders demanded.

Nate took a deep breath then began. "Two weeks ago, Sebastian gave up waiting for Rylee. He said he was needed in Starkhaven so he said his farewells to Alistair and left. Rylee waited a week after his departure before we headed back to Vigil's Keep. She broke us up into two different groups so that it would be harder to track us. Alistair also gave us a handful of knights to accompany us. The first group consisted of Rylee, Zev, Isabela and four Denerim knights. Rylee was going to lead the group along the Hafter River pass. The second include myself, Bethany, Cullen and three Denerim knights. We were to take the North Road to Soldier's Peak, spend the night and then meet Rylee's group where the North Road and the Hafter River cross each other. When we reached the rendezvous point it was obvious that Rylee's group had arrived and that there had been a skirmish. The Denerim knights were dead and Rylee, Zev and Isabela were missing. We were there only a few minutes ourselves before we were ambushed."

Even though Anders knew that Rylee was very capable of taking care of herself and that she would already be scheming and plotting her escape, he couldn't help the fear and panic that was rising up for Rylee's safety.

"Were they Starkhaven Knights?" Anders asked.

"They weren't wearing the Starkhaven armor, but they had that Starkhaven brogue."

"It's strange, they really weren't much of a match for us and we quickly killed most of them,"

Nate observed.

"Hmmm, I smell a set-up," Lillah said.

"Yes, it has a very distinct aroma of bullshit dressed in a bright red bow," Anders agreed.

"Well, you will be pleased to know that we managed to keep one of knights alive and we brought him back with us."

"Excellent. I just wish Zev was here to interrogate him," Lillah said.

"I would be happy to persuade the vermin," Varric said from the door. "With Anders' assistance, I do believe we can get him to talk."

Lillah grinned, "Well then he is all yours."

Several hours later, Anders and Varric walked back into the Commander's office. "Well, it would seem that our good Prince has taken up residence at an abandoned Orlesian castle in the foothills of Dragon's Peak that was built during the Orlesian occupation. I do believe that is where Rylee and the others are being held," Varric said.

"Good work, boys," Lillah said. "We need to devise a plan and I need to inform Alistair what is going on before we head out."

* * *

><p><strong>AN – I must give credit where credit is due, the code phrase, "Big Monkey has acquired the fat vulture; still need to obtain the drowning baby. Meet by the Crown in twenty to break your heart," was inspired by Grand Theft Auto. **

***Several of the spy names that I used were taken from either TV or movies; a piece of chocolate to the person who can tell me which names and which show or movies they are from. **

***** **A huge thank you to those of you, who have favored, alerted and reviewed this story. You make my day so much brighter. I look forward to hearing your thoughts.**

****I also want to thank my fantabulous beta, Jinxy, for her rad, mad beta-ing skills, for her support and for being a great friend. I appreciate your help turning my ramblings into cohesive sentences. You're the best!**


	21. Chapter 21 Right Now

**CCBug had the brilliant idea of honoring the 100th reviewer for her story Redemption by giving that reviewer a guest appearance in the story. I thought this was a great way to honor a story's faithful readers/reviewers. So with her blessing I am borrowing her wonderful idea for my story A Girl In King Alistair's Court and have continued the tradition with all of my stories. The 100****th**** reviewer for chapter 18 was Jinx1983, but since she is my beta she felt it was unfair to take the honor so I asked her to choose the guest appearance by who wrote the best review. Tess15216 won, but I personally thought that Bonkzy came in a close second so she too will be making a guest appearance. Thank you, Tess and Bonkzy, for reading and reviewing. I hope you ladies like your Dragon Age doppelgangers. **

**Chapter 21**- **Right Now**

"It's been so long that I haven't seen your face I'm tryna to be strong  
>But the strength I have is washing away it won't be long before I get you by my side<br>And just hold you, tease you, squeeze you tell you what's been on my mind

I wanna make up right now, na na, I wanna make up right now, na na  
>Wish we never broke up right now, na na, we need to link up right now, na na<p>

I can't lie, I miss you much, watching everyday that goes by, I miss you much  
>Until I get you back I'm gonna try, yes I miss you much<br>You are the apple of my eye, Girl, I miss you much"

_Right Now by Akon_

Anders stared up the high imposing walls of Château des Âmes Perdues. They had arrived here two weeks after Nate had returned to Vigil's Keep. Lillah needed to retrieve some information that she had once seen regarding the castle. Also, for the sake of spies moving in and around Amaranthine, the Commander wanted it to appear that she had not left the Keep, but had become gravely ill. That kind of deception took some time to implement, but it was brilliant on her part.

Anders looked at the dark grey brick walls with its fierce stone gargoyles on the corners that made the structure look as menacing as its name implied. "Castle of Lost Souls, what a nice uplifting name? Really draws a mental picture of what a cheery, uplifting place this is," Anders stated sarcastically.

"Well, Castle of Slit Your Wrist and Die was already taken," Nathaniel replied dryly.

"Hmmm, I wonder if they welcome you with a guillotine at the front door. It's been a while since I've had that kind of welcome," Varric chuckled.

"Those are some damn high walls," Anders noted.

"Well it's a good thing I wasn't planning on catapulting you over it," Lillah said.

"And just how were you planning on getting us in, Boss Lady?" Oghren asked.

"I've told you, it's Commander Boss Lady to you and as luck would have it, Teryn Cousland was able to provide a floor plan for the Castle from when his father and Loghain had captured this territory during the war. The rendering shows a side entrance near the dungeon. Nate was able to find out from a local merchant that the Castle receives supply deliveries each day at Four O' Clock. Anders if the two of us cast a cloaking spell, we should be able to get our group through the gates undetected," Lillah explained.

"Bloody brilliant! I knew there was a reason other than just your good looks for putting you in charge," Anders chuckled. Lillah smacked him.

Anders rubbed his arm, "Ouch! You certainly don't hit like a girl, must run in the family."

_An image flashed across his mind, he was staring into an opening that led into the Deep Roads, he glanced over at Rylee, "Have you considered joining the Grey Wardens? They'd be happy to satisfy this inexplicable need you have to visit the Deep Roads every few years." Rylee punched him in the arm._

_The scene changed, he and Rylee were sitting across from Isabela at a tavern. "Come on, Anders don't be such a party pooper. Show me one more time," Isabela cooed as she batted her eyes at him. _

_"Magic isn't for your amusement, Isabela! Why don't I just do a little dance while I'm at? Anders' Spicy Shimmy, maybe?" Rylee reached over and punched his arm. _

_New scene, he, Rylee, Varric and an elf he had recollection of, were standing in front of mage that looked like a First Enchanter. _

"_So I shouldn't __slit my wrists__ and dance naked under the moonlight just to fit in," Rylee said dryly._

"_Oooo, I'd pay to see that," Anders chuckled._

_Once they left the room Rylee spun round and punched Anders in the arm. "Ouch! What was that for?"_

"_You're comment earlier," Rylee purred with a smile._

"Did you just have a flashback, Blondie?"

"Yes and I believe I was in abusive relationship," Anders pouted as he unconsciously rubbed his arm.

"Don't fool yourself, Blondie. You love a woman that can kick your arse and kiss it better all at the same time."

Anders grinned, but kept his comment and the image that floated across his mind to himself.

They waited in the woods near the delivery entrance until they heard a wagon approach. Lil paired Anders with Varric and Oghren while Nate went with her. The two of them quickly cast the concealment spell over their group and slid in beside the wagon as it went through the gate. From the floor plan, Lillah had pointed out the door that lead to the dungeons, once inside the castle, the two groups headed over to the door that had been indicated on the rendering. There was a rattling as someone tried the door, but it was locked and Lillah let out slight curse.

Anders was about to whisper about having an alternative plan when a guard approached the door and banged loudly. "Yo Baird, it's me. Lit me in."

"Me who? Oh Dalziel its ye. Its abit damn time," the first guard grunted as he unlocked the door and swung it open.

The moment that Dalziel stepped inside both Lillah and Anders cast a stunning spell at them as the group stepped in behind the two frozen guards. The group rematerialized as Lillah slid the lock back into place and they quietly made their way down the dark passageway. The tunnel came to T and the group paused as they silently debated which way to go when they heard a roar of laughter from the corridor to the left. Lillah and Anders recast the concealment spell and started toward the source of the merriment.

The passage lead into a torch lit open area that had numerous cells against the walls, but in the center of the room were several guards gathered around a table playing cards with Rylee, Isabela and Zev. As Anders eyes fell on Rylee, his heart skipped a beat. She looked incredible, more beautiful than he remembered and he desperately wanted to take her in his arms. He watched her, mesmerized by her graceful moves and easy manner. Rylee was at complete ease with her captors as she smiled and laughed at their jokes. He watched as she would casually rested her hand on their arms in a reassuring or friendly manner and he had a memory of her interacting with several Kirkwall city guards in a similar fashion. For some unexplained reason Anders was immediately drawn to her, not just because he missed her, but because he felt connected to her on a much deeper, intimate level. As he watched her, Anders knew without a doubt she was his one and only, the only woman he would ever truly love.

Rylee shifted in her seat and there was a loud clanging of chains. Anders' eyes shifted to her feet and for the first time noticed that Rylee's feet were shackled to the ground. Anders had to swallow hard to suppress the growl that threatened to escape his throat. Rylee was seated at the round table with Zev on her right and tall ruggedly handsome guard on her left. A pretty blond guard was on Zev's other side. The blonde leaned in toward the assassin, "Now Zev, you know the rules if you lose a hand you have to sing for us."

Zev sighed, "Why didn't we just play strip Diamondback? That is so much more entertaining."

"Because I'm sitting right beside you and the way you are playing today the last thing I need is for you to have the family jewels on display," Rylee stated nonchalantly.

"You never know. You might like the sight of my family jewels, they are quite impressive, if I may say so myself," Zev chortled.

"That's the problem, I don't want your critique. I need a second opinion. Isabela, what do you think?"

"Why do I need to put my two sovereigns in? It's much more fun watching the two of you bicker it out," Isabela chortled.

"Hmmm, I don't know Zev. Not actually a glowing recommendation. If you were built like a bronto she would have no problem encouraging you to put it on display," Rylee grinned.

"Well, I'm seated on his other side, Ry, maybe I want his twig and berries to come out and play," the pretty blond guard said.

"Well then the two of you along with his twigs and berries can get a room as soon as Zev sings his song," Isabela stated matter-of-factly.

"Fine," Zev sighed as he stood up, cleared his throat and began.

"It was the summer 89, my thoughts were short my hair was long,

Caught somewhere between a boy and man  
>She was seventeen and she was far from in-between<br>It was summertime in Northern Ferelden, Ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh"

Then Rylee and Isabela stood up to join him in the chorus.

"And we were trying different things, we were smoking funny things  
>Making love out by the lake to our favorite song<br>Sipping whiskey out the bottle, not thinking 'bout tomorrow  
>Singing Sweet home Ferelden all summer long, singing Sweet home Ferelden all summer long"<p>

Both of them had great voices and a memory of the rogues singing before a group of people flashed through his mind. It ended with Rylee in his lap telling him she would love him endlessly before she kissed him passionately. Anders couldn't help, but smile at the memory.

"When do we get to hear Rylee sing all by herself," the guard who sat beside her asked as he looked at her with admiration.

"Hey what am chopped liver?" Isabela asked in feigned outrage.

"Well, that would require me to lose and since none of you have been able to beat me, I think I will go with never," Rylee stated.

"That's a bold faced lie," Varric whispered. "The only person I've seen worse than Rylee at Diamondback is you, Blondie. Isabela must be covering for her."

"But why?" Nate asked.

"I would say the stakes at the beginning of the game wasn't singing songs and Bells is trying to help Rylee out, but why they are playing Diamondback and not Wicked Grace is beyond me," Varric observed.

"When can we go back to playing Wicked Grace?" Rylee asked.

"When I've recouped my salary, my ring and the shirt you stole from me, Rylee," a pretty brunette guard said.

"Stole? That is an over exaggeration," Rylee cooed. "I'm just better at bluffing than you, Bonkzy."

"Bluffing, ha! More like cheated!" Bonkzy exclaimed.

"I just out maneuvered you," Rylee cooed.

"Manipulated would be a better word," the blond guard inserted.

"Now who asked you Tess?" Rylee questioned.

"Just trying to help out a friend," Tess said as she snuggled into Zev's side as he slid an arm around her shoulder.

"Yes, you are very generous that way, mi gattino erotico," Zev purred.

"Back to the subject at hand, Bonkzy, my dear, dear jailer, I prefer to say that I seductively finessed you to relinquish your possessions to me in order to pay off your financial obligations," Rylee charmingly sighed.

"And while she is finessing you out of things, she has some property in the Dark City she would like to sell you too," Isabela mused.

"No wonder Prince Vael is so fascinated with you. I do believe you could charm an Archdemon into doing your bidding," Tess chuckled as Zev nibbled at her ear.

"I do believe the Prince is interested in your other charms, La mia bellezza mortale," Zev chortled.

Anders felt his anger begin to rise at the thought of Vael being interested in her. Was that why he kidnapped her and held her here?

"Yes, those charms would go by the name Anders and as I have stated numerous times, Anders has no memory of me or the time that we spent together. He doesn't love me so I make a lousy ransom," Rylee said calmly.

"No mage on a shiny horse riding in to save your arse?" Tess asked.

"As I've said a thousand times, nope! Why would Anders risk his life for someone he has no memory of? For someone he doesn't love. He has made it clear that he loves Lillah not me so Sebastian is wasting his time if he hopes to trap Anders."

She was bluffing…she had to be bluffing. The letters that they had written each other…her letters… his letters…she had to know that he loved her. She had to know that he would come for her. This was part of her plan to keep the Prince off his guard. It had to be.

"Fucking bastard!" Isabela hissed.

Anders heart froze as the venom of her words stung and her anger sounded genuine.

Before anyone could reply there was the sound of boots hitting the floor in the passageway behind them. The group silently eased into the room to accommodate the two guards that entered.

"His Highness won't be pleased tae hear 'at ye disobeyed his orders an' waur ance again playin' cards with the prisoners," the guard grunted.

Bonkzy slid out of her seat, strolled over to the tall handsome guard, slid her hand down his chest and gripped his groin as she cooed, "Well husband dear, I do believe that if you want to get a little somethin' somethin' when I get home tonight, you will keep your mouth shut about what you saw here."

His eyes widened, "See whit! Ah, didn't see anythin', darlin'"

She grinned at the handsome guard, stroked his cheek and said, "That's what I thought, Rory."

Rory looked over at Rylee and tossed a dress to her. "His Highness wants ye tae wear this fur dinner tonight."

"Oh my, the Prince is becoming more and more demanding at these nightly dinners, Ry. Are you sure you aren't putting out in order to keep us alive?" Isabela asked slyly.

"If I was putting out we wouldn't be stuck sleeping in this hell hole of dungeon...well at least I wouldn't" Ry said with a wink as she headed into a cell and stepped behind a divider to change.

Anders waited anxiously for Rylee to emerge from behind the screen when he felt a tug at his sleeve and felt Lillah's hot breath against his ear, "You and Nate follow Rylee. The Dwarves and I will help the others escape. I will meet you at camp."

Anders whispered back, "Okay."

He looked up just as Rylee stepped out from behind the screen and Anders felt the air sucked out of his lungs as Zev gave a low whistle then purred, "My, you are a delizioso trattare."

Rylee smiled at the assassin then scowled as she straightened the pleats on the pale blue silk skirt and ran her hand up the beautifully embroidered pale grey, blue and yellow corset that covered up a barely there blue chemise.

"Has that bloody Prince lost his mind? Where the hell is rest of the dress?" Rylee demanded.

"I believe the Prince believes that less is more…meaning a lot less time for him to undress you," Isabela chortled. An involuntary hiss escaped Anders lips and Lillah elbowed his ribs to be quiet.

"In his dreams," Rylee said.

"Oh if he isn't dreaming of you already, my sweet, he will be after he sees you in that," Zev chuckled.

Rory, the guard, handed Rylee a matching cape. "Me Lady, its chilly ootside."

Rylee slipped on the cape and then followed the guards out of the dungeon. Anders and Nate followed closely behind as she was led deep into the castle to Sebastian's private chambers. When they entered the Prince's room, a table for two was set with candles, wine and china as a warm fire burned next to it. Sebastian looked up from his desk as Rylee was escorted in. He quickly moved his papers into a drawer and locked it. Then stood up, walked over to her and assisted her as she removed the cape.

"What's the matter, Sebastian, don't you trust me?" Rylee asked.

"Darlin', you could pick that lock in a heartbeat if you wanted to. It's my servants I don't trust," Sebastian said.

"Then you need to pay for better servants," Rylee said dryly.

Sebastian laughed, "Yes, you are right there, Darlin'."

"I'm not your Darling, so stop calling me that," Rylee demanded.

"As you wish, Darlin' or I should change that to Honey?"

Rylee groaned as he held out a chair for her at the table and took a seat. "Only if I can call you asshole."

"Now, now, Honey. That's no way to start your new life here with me. I would prefer Sweetheart or at worst, My Prince."

Rylee shook her head in frustration. "Why must we play this game, Sebastian? If you're going to kill me then just do it, otherwise let me go. I told you that Anders doesn't love me. He isn't coming for me," Rylee stated.

"Just kill you…that doesn't sound like the Rylee Hawke I know. The Champion of Kirkwall would never lie down and just take it. I would sooner cut off my arm then harm a beauty such as yourself."

"I didn't realize you were looking for a sparring partner, Sebastian. I can arrange that arm amputation for you. How about you join me in the ring and let's make sure the blades aren't blunt?"

Sebastian grinned at her. "You know that swordplay isn't my specialty."

"Oh, yes, I've heard you come up a little short in that department. How in Maker's name did you please all those woman you bragged about to Isabela?" Rylee grinned wickedly back at him.

"Now that's hitting below the belt, Honey."

"Or the skirt, in your case."

"I always loved your quick witty retorts," Sebastian said as he handed her a glass of wine.

Rylee smelled the glass the Prince had just handed her. "You didn't drug this, did you? I'm not going to wake up naked in your bed, crying out Anders' name am I?"

Sebastian's grin quickly faded from his face. "If I did ever take you to bed I would quickly make you forget that apostate's name and that you had ever met him."

"IF? Is it true what they say then? That Chantry boys only get it up for other men. Maybe it's really Anders you want here and I'm just rouse to entice him to you."

Anders had to bite his tongue to keep from laughing.

Sebastian's face turned bright red as he growled back, "Oh, its Anders that I want here just so that I can gut him in front of you in order to get him out of your mind forever."

"And all this time I thought you wanted to gut him to avenge your beloved Elthina. Priorities Sebastian, where are your priorities?" Rylee asked tauntingly.

Before she could even react, Sebastian smacked her across the face. Anders felt Nate's strong hand grip his arm to hold him back. Blood trickled down her chin and Anders watched as she licked at it. "Is that the best you got?"

Why in Maker's name was she antagonizing him?

"Oh no, Honey. The best is yet to come. But I wouldn't advise it. You won't like me when I'm angry."

"Angry is an improvement to your personality. It actually gives you one and almost makes you interesting." Sebastian smacked her again causing her lip to bleed even more.

"Don't make me hurt you, Ry. Don't you realize that I love you?"

"Love hurts, so how about I give you a black eye to match that split lip. You can't even comprehend the meaning of true love," Rylee spat at him.

"Oh, you think know what true love is? Living with your apostate lover in sin for three years and then sparing the murder's life is not the definition of love."

Rylee slowly shook her head in frustration. "I could verbally spar with you all night, especially when you make it so easy, but it isn't going to change anything. Why are you keeping me here Sebastian? I told you Anders isn't coming for me," Rylee stated again.

Sebastian just grinned at her and refilled her glass of wine.

"What makes you think he isn't coming for you?" Sebastian asked.

Rylee turned her head away from Sebastian and towards where Anders stood under the concealment charm. He knew from what everyone had told him that Rylee was good at playing the political game, and that she was an excellent actress, but he would swear on the Chant of Light that the pain he saw ripple across her face was real as tears shimmered in her eyes.

"B-because," her voice cracked. She cleared her throat, turned back to Sebastian as she continued. "Because he told me he has no memory of me and that he doesn't think that his memories will ever come back to him. H-he said that he still loves Lillah and that I should move on with my life."

"Well so much for bonded souls recognizing each other," Sebastian said dryly.

"Fuck you, Sebastian!"

The Prince just chuckled at her. "How can you continue to love a man that has broken your heart not once, but too many times to count? Are you some kind of masochist? Do you like the pain?"

Rylee quickly wiped the tears that had slid down her face as she glared at the Prince. "No, but I will enjoy inflicting pain on you, so that must make me a sadist. Bend over, Sebby and beg me for another," Rylee hissed through clenched teeth as her eyes scanned the table.

Sebastian grinned at her, "You won't find anything sharp on the table to stab me with, Ry." The Prince paused for a moment before he continued. "I can almost hear Anders' letter to you. Sorrowful, yet firm."

Rylee remained quiet so the Prince continued, "Dear Rylee," Sebastian said in mocked tone of regret. "I want you to know that I am grateful for all have done for me. If it weren't for your love and compassion I would have lost myself years ago. It is with knowledge that with a heavy heart I regretfully must inform you that I don't love you…"

"You fucking bastard!" She screamed as she lunged for his throat, but before Anders could react, the door swung open as four royal guards rushed in. Anders was still ready to take them all on when Nate grabbed him and hissed, "Not yet. You will alert the entire castle to our presence. If we can get out of here undetected that would be best."

"Restrain her!" Sebastian ordered. The royal guards quickly began to tie her wrists to the arms of the chair.

"Role reversal, why didn't you just say so," Rylee sneered.

"Now, now _**Darlin'**_, not in front of the hired help," Sebastian said sarcastically.

Nate leaned over and whispered, "When the guards leave I am going to remain in the shadows and leave with them. They need to be dealt with before we take down Sebastian. Can I trust you to remain calm and in control?"

"Yes," Anders replied.

"I need to wait until the servants clear the salads and serve the main meal before I dispose of them. That could take a while, are you sure you can remain in control?"

"I said yes, Dad. I promise I'm wearing my big boy pants today."

Anders heard the rogue sigh as he felt the air move around him as Nate eased for the door. Once the guards had Rylee secure in the chair, Sebastian dismissed them. They swiftly left the room and closed the door behind them.

"I must be seeing the asshole you use to be before you joined the Chantry. You don't even resemble the man I knew in Kirkwall. A man I respected and called friend."

"Well Love, this is the new and improved Sebastian. I owe it all to you. You didn't have to love me, Ry. I could have learned to live without you and your love. It would have been hard, but I could have done it. What I couldn't learn to live with was you letting that murderous abomination live. That I just couldn't do as much as I tried. Her blood called out to me and I had to avenge her unjustified death."

"So in the process of seeking vengeance, you decided to break my heart for shits and giggles? Or was ripping my heart out of my chest part of your revenge plan?"

"Oh no Darlin', that was just an added bonus. See, my spies intercepted Anders' reply letter to yours. It was so sweet, so loving that I couldn't let you continue with that type of correspondence. You see, I needed you to believe it was over so that you didn't continue to write him and I needed to give him hope that the two of you could work it out. I had a master forger write both letters so that you recognized his handwriting and he would be able to identify yours if he compared it to something else you had written. The plan worked beautifully and who knew Anders had the heart of a poet in him. The things he wrote you could stir the soul."

Anders felt anger course through his body. His heart ached with the revelation that she hadn't written any of those things and that he had poured out his soul to her, only for her to never read a word of it because she had been deceived into believing that he loved Lillah. He threw his hand over his mouth to stifle a moan as pain ripped through him.

"Here, let me read his tender words to you," Sebastian said.

Rylee violently shook her head, "No,no, no don't you dare. I don't want to hear his words on your lips."

"Oh well, too bad. This is just too good to pass up. The first one is short, but still sweet." Sebastian cleared his throat and began to read in a mocked tone of love and admiration.

"_My dearest Rylee,_

_I am glad to hear that despite Sebastian's sudden appearance that you are enjoying your stay in Denerim. I hope that the trip has helped you find the peace and comfort that I know you were seeking. _

_The Keep hasn't been the same since you left. It lacks the warmth and cheer that your presence brought. I understand the reason to delay your return, but please know, Ry, that I truly miss you and I long to see your smiling face once again. _

_With all of my heart,_

_Anders"_

Anders looked at the pained expression on Rylee's face, he wanted to pull her into his arms and make all of this disappear.

"Now isn't that just so sweet. You have to admit the mage has a way with words. Tell me, Ry would his underlying meaning of love and devotion been enough to warm your heart?"

"Fuck you!"

"Yes, I didn't think so either, which is why I made your reply offer him hope, but it was with caution. We didn't want him to get suspicious if you were over the top right away." Sebastian said dryly. "I do have to admit that his reply to your uncommitted response was exactly what I was looking for, and after reading it, I knew I had him. I knew that no one could write such poetic words and not risk everything to save you."

Sebastian strolled over to his desk, pulled a letter out of the locked drawer and began to read as he made his way back to the table.

"_My dear beautiful Rylee,_

_If I were given three wishes, I would first ask to wake up in your arms every day for the rest of my life. I want to breathe in the same air you breathe, I want to see your smiling face and feel your warmth next to me. My second wish would be that I never harm you, disappoint you, or break your heart again. I only want to love you like no one ever has before. I want to cherish you the way you deserved to be. I want to spend the rest of my days bringing you only joy. My third wish - it really is very simple – it's that you would tell me that you want these things too. I know I've hurt you, I don't deserve your forgiveness…I definitely don't deserve you, but if you could possibly find it in your heart to forgive me for all the pain that I have caused you and that you still love me and want me with you, I will be the happiest man alive. _

_One word from you, Love, and I am sure this can be done, because I love you, Rylee, more today than I did before and it only gets stronger with time; it doesn't fade. I will always love you; this much I'm sure of. I don't want diamonds, gold or a million sovereigns. None of that could make me as happy as I would be to just have you in my life once again!_

_You are my life, my heart and my soul!_

_Anders"_

Anders watched as the tears freely flowed down Rylee's cheeks as her shoulders lifted with each of her sobs. He was going to fucking kill Sebastian slowly and painfully for doing this to her…to them.

"Yes, I thought his words would have that effect on you. What a waste?" Sebastian set a letter down in front of Rylee. "This was your reply to Anders' declaration of love. Read if for me Darlin'."

Rylee's eyes went wide with horror as she skimmed the letter. "You fucking pig, you stole my journal."

Sebastian grinned at her, "Well, I needed to capture the real you. Personally, I wanted to tell the bastard to sod off that you had seen the light, you realized he was an abomination and were running away with me to Starkhaven, but to be honest, even if Anders couldn't remember his name, none of your friends would believe that you would do such a thing. So I crafted this," Sebastian tapped the letter in front of her. "With the help of your journal, I do believe it's a thing of beauty. It's what I hope to hear you say to me one day."

"You're delusional. You will never hear me utter these words to you," Rylee spat at him.

"Read it for me, Rylee," Sebastian said.

"No, I refuse to feed into your fantasy," Rylee said.

For once Anders was wishing that Rylee wouldn't be so stubborn and just give into Prince Prick's request. He wanted to hear her say the words that he thought she had written. Before she could reply, the door opened and two servants walked in, carrying their dinner entrées. Anders mouth gapped open when he realized one of the servants was Zev in disguise. At least he hoped it was Zev, if not that was a very ugly woman.

After they had set down their meals, Zev looked at Sebastian, "Farebbe lei ama più vino, il mio signore?"

There was a long pause and Sebastian looked at the servant with a questioning look.

"Really Sebastian, I would have thought with all that education you received that someone would have taught you Antivan. She asked if you would like more wine," Rylee explained.

Sebastian nodded and Zev filled his glass. He turned to Rylee and she nodded. As Zev poured her wine he said, "I nostri amici sono qui per salvare noi. Non guardare in giro, ma il tuo amore è qui con voi. Siate pazienti e aspettare il momento giusto di ricorrere a questo pomposo, culo auto giusti."

"What did she say?' Sebastian asked.

What Zev had told her was, "Our friends are here to rescue us. Don't look around, but your love is in here with you. Be patient and wait for the right moment to take out this pompous, self righteous ass."

However, Rylee smiled at Sebastian and replied, "She said it was wonderful to hear her native language spoken so beautifully by someone outside of her country."

Anders had watched Sebastian's reaction closely at Zev's slanderous statement, but the man remained as unreadable as a pillar of stone.

Rylee looked up at Zev and smiled, "E 'difficile non essere paziente quando sei legato ad una sedia cazzo."

Anders had bit the inside of his mouth to keep from laughing. Zev chuckled as he placed the wine bottle back down.

"What did you say?" Sebastian asked.

"I told her I am glad that I can do her beautiful language justice." However what she had actually said was, ""It's hard not to be patient when you're tied to a fucking chair."

"La pazienza è una virtù, la mia dea mortale," Zev chortled as he headed out of the room.

Rylee snorted, but then tried to cover it by sneezing.

"Are you okay, my dear?" Sebastian asked.

"I'll live...for now," Rylee retorted as she causally glanced around the room.

"Are you looking for something?" Sebastian asked.

"Just admiring what you've done with the place. You must be going for gothic meets nouveau with a dash of macabre."

Sebastian laughed, "You definitely have a unique way of looking at things, Love."

"Stop that!"

"Stop what?"

"Stop using terms of endearment with me. I am not your darlin' or your honey and I will never be your love and just because you say them won't make it so!"

"Once Anders is dead..."

"Even if Anders were dead, I will never love you, Sebastian. I will never ever be with you. You could physically force your self on me..."

"I would never do that," Sebastian said defensively.

"I honestly don't believe you would, but even if you did take my body, you would never have my heart. I will only love one person until I breathe my last breath and it will never be you."

Sebastian's face reddened with anger, but he slowly drew in a deep breath. "It's a shame you feel that way, Darlin'. I had hoped to spare you the same fate as Anders, but if you insist on sharing his destiny, then so be it."

In a flash, Sebastian was on his feet and standing behind Rylee with a dagger pressed to her throat. "Come on out, Anders. I know your in here," Sebastian purred with a malicious grin.

* * *

><p><strong>AN – Italian lesson for the day – ****mi gattino erotico**** - my sexy kitten, La mia bellezza mortale - my deadly beauty, ****delizioso trattare – delicious treat and ****La pazienza è una virtù, la mia dea mortale – patience is a virtue, my deadly goddess****.**

***The song that Zev and the girls sang was **_**All Summer Long**_** by Kid Rock**

***A special thanks to Morlanwen for the correct French translation for Castle of Lost Souls. I appreciate you helping me make the story as accurate as possible. **

***Cookies and milk for your awesometastic reviews and for adding this story to your alert and favs list. Your support is amazing.**

***To my betalicious friend, Jinxy, you are the cat's pajamas, the bee's knees, the dog's smoking jacket and the real McCoy all wrapped up into one. Thank you for your help and support. You rock!**

***I also wanted to bring to your attention a wonderful AU that I recently started to read. It's called The Order by AresxBellona. I absolutely love the premise of this story because it's so different and unique. Here is her summary: The Descendents of the DAO/Awakenings and DA2 have lived on; living in our world and present day and age. They are now simply known as "The Order", protecting mankind from the Darkspawn threat; but is that the only threat continuing? ht tp:/ / www .fanfiction .net /s/7337696/1/ The_Order (Remove the spaces)**


	22. Chapter 22 I Melt With You

**Disclaimer - If you are easily offended by creative curse words this might not be the chapter for you.**

**Chapter 21- I Melt With You**

Moving forward using all my breath, making love to you was never second best

I saw the world thrashing all around your face, never really knowing it was always... mesh and lace

I'll stop the world and melt with you, you've seen the difference and it's getting better all the time

And there's nothing you and I won't do, I'll stop the world and melt with you

(We should know better) Dream of better lives the kind which never hate

(We should see why) Trapped in a state of imaginary grace

(We should know better) I made a pilgrimage to save this human's race

(We should see why) Never comprehending a race that's long gone by

_I Melt With You by Modern English_

Seeing the dagger pressed at Rylee's throat, Anders felt a surge of rage rip through him. He hadn't come this far to lose her now. Justice reminded him to calm his anger, to control it and focus it on the task at hand. Anders did as the Spirit instructed, he managed his fury and concentrated on Sebastian. Anders moved behind the Prince, and he released the concealment charm and immediately froze the bastard in place. He moved around them and for the first time in months stared into the incredibly alluring eyes of the woman he loved.

At first there was confusion on her face as she looked him over, then she smiled warmly at him, "Nice dye job," she chuckled.

"What can I say? I like being the bell of the ball," Anders said with a grin.

"I can see that. If you want, you can dress in drag, shave that stubble and you could be my unsightly twin sister. Although I'm not sure how full your dance card will be."

"Does that mean you won't be asking me to dance?"

"Probably not, I prefer blondes," Rylee said dryly.

"Well I'm an undercover blonde. That's gotta count for something, right?" Anders said as he gently managed to move Sebastian's arm away few inches away from Rylee.

Rylee raised an eyebrow, "You do understand the term undercover correct? It means you're not supposed to draw attention to yourself." It wasn't much room, but she agilely slid down the length of the Prince's body and out of Sebastian's grasp.

Anders took a step back giving her room to stand up. He smiled at her and gazed at her breathtaking face. He had dreamed about being this close to her again, about pulling her into his arms and kissing her, but the only think his dimwitted brain could think to say was, "It's Lil's fault. She did it."

She stepped closer to him, her body mere inches from his, he could feel her warm breath against his face as his heart raced out of control. "That's what you're going with? You're going to blame my cousin," she said breathlessly…seductively…oh so alluringly.

His arms slid around her waist as she pulled her to him. "How could I not draw attention to myself when a madman is holding the woman that my soul is bonded to hostage?"

She smiled, leaned her head towards his just as the door burst open and one of the Prince's personal guards stepped in. Anders felt the veil shift open, he managed to cast a stonefist just as the templar hit him with holy smite. The spells hit both of the men square in the chest knocking each to the floor. Writhing in pain, unable to do anything, but watch, Anders saw Rylee spin. As she wretched the dagger out of Sebastian's hand she slid into the shadows. She reappeared behind the guard-templar, bent down, wrenched the man's throat back and sliced it open. Behind her, another guard rushed in, swung his sword at her, she rolled out of the way just as the sword came down missing where she had been by inches.

She leapt to her feet, spun to face the advancing guard. Anders wasn't happy about the odds of her measly little dagger against the guard's sword and shield, but there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it. The guard lunged forward, Rylee twisted to the right then jabbed at his back, but he managed to pivot out of the way just missing the blow. Both of them crouched into a fighting stance as they began to circle each other again.

The guard swung his sword low with the hopes of taking out her legs, Rylee jumped straight up into the air as the blade passed beneath her. The guard's momentum was moving away from her, leaving his side open, which Rylee exploited when her feet hit the ground by driving the dagger into the man's shoulder blade. The man howled with pain, Rylee twisted the weapon as she pulled it out. The man crumbled to the floor.

Anders noticed Sebastian's hands start to twitch as the spell wore off. "R-rylee…Sebastian…" Anders warned. Anders struggled to his feet, his mana still being depleted he looked around for a weapon and grabbed the fire poker.

Rylee spun, but before she could even move in his direction the petite guard, from the dungeon materialized behind the Prince with her dagger at the man's throat. "I wouldn't make any sudden moves, your Highness, unless of course you want me spill some of your royal blood," Tess said with a grin as she kissed the side of Prince's face.

Zevran sauntered into the room and stepped over the body of the dead templar and kicked at the guard that was now moaning with pain. "Aaah, la mia bellezza mortale, I see that you had all the fun and left none for me," the assassin said with a pout.

"That's what's happens when you show up late for the party," Rylee said as she headed over to Anders and slid her arm around his waist, offering him support.

"I would have been here sooner, but Isabela insisted that I bring you these," Zevran tossed onto the table her champion armor and her two favorite daggers.

Rylee lead Anders to a chair and helped him sit down then she grabbed her clothes and headed to change. "It's a shame to see such a delicious dress go to waste," Anders complained as he watched her slip behind the changing screen.

"I completely agree," Zevran chortled.

"Well, I can't very well fight my way out of here dressed like some tart," Rylee huffed.

"Have I mentioned how much I love to eat tarts?" Anders purred.

Rylee looked out from behind the screen, grinned then tossed the dress at him. "Then I suggest you take the dress with you."

Zevran looked over at Tess and frowned. Anders looked over his shoulder and saw blood oozing from the side of Sebastian's neck as Tess pressed the blade against it. "Tsk, tsk, mi gattino erotico, you heard Lillah's instructions we are to bring the brat Prince to her alive."

"I'm not going to kill him. I just like the way his bottom wiggles against me when I do this," Tess teased as she pressed down on the blade, Sebastian groan with pain as he squirmed against her. She giggled, "See…that tickles."

Anders' eyebrows furrowed, "How in Maker's name did Sebastian hire a guard like you?"

"Oh that delicious little kitten is one of mine," Zevran said.

"I wasn't saying I wanted to sleep with her. I just wondered how Sebastian hired someone who could be so easily bought off," Anders asked.

"When I say she is one of mine I don't just mean in the physical way, which thank the Maker for small favors she is, I mean she is one of mine professionally. She is an ex-Crow that now works for me when I need work done and so is Bonkzy. Bonky's husband is the one that hired my two lovely assassins," Zevran said as he winked at the blond assassin then he set three bottles of lyrium in front of Anders. "Lil, thought you might need those."

"Thank you, Lillah," Anders said as he grabbed one of the bottles and drank.

Rylee came out from behind the divider sheathing her daggers as she walked to them. She stopped beside where Tess was holding Sebastian.

"So how are we going to get out of here?" Rylee asked.

"Well, Lillah is going to create a diversion and then we will use the brat Prince as a shield as we make a run for it," Zevran stated.

"It better be one hell of a distraction. Sebastian has to have at least hundred men here," Rylee said.

"A hundred and fifty," Sebastian corrected. "You will never get out of here alive."

Without even flinching, Rylee drew her fist back and punched the Prince in the jaw. "When I want commentary from you I'll let you know. In the meantime, you need to be thanking the Maker I'm not killing you for the hell you've put me through."

"So what is the diversion…"Anders question was cut off by an explosion outside the castle that was so loud and powerful that the walls shook so violently the pictures fell to the floor as mortar crumbled around them.

"What the fuck was that?" Rylee asked as she jumped out of the way of some falling debris.

"If there was a Chantry around with a bunch of innocent people inside I would say Anders is up to his old tricks," Sebastian said.

Anders shot off his chair and cold cocked the bastard. "I do believe Rylee told you to shut the hell up!"

"I believe that would be our distraction and of course the damn dwarf is early," Zevran huffed as he spun Sebastian around and bound his wrists.

"What damn dwarf?" Anders asked.

"Oghren!" Tess and Zevran said together.

"Who the hell thought it a smart idea to give that crazy dwarf explosives?" Anders demanded.

"Well it would appear that Oghren borrowed a few of Dwokin Glavanak's latest creations without asking permission. When Lil found out that he had them she decided to use to break her cousin out," Zevran explained.

"I think it's a sodding brilliant plan," Rylee said as she headed for the door. "Now let's get the hell out of here.

With Sebastian in tow the group quickly made their way through the castle; only encountering minor resistance since the majority of the men were dealing with the explosion. Just as they entered the courtyard Lillah, Isabella, Nate, Oghren and Bonkzy rounded the corner charging full speed at them.

Lillah spotted them and yelled. "Run!" Rounding the corner behind them was at least fifty of Sebastian's men and holy hell, were those ogres? Anders stared in stunned disbelief as three ogres where attacking the guards from behind.

"Where the Bloody hell did they get the ogres?" Anders asked Lillah as she raced by them. Anders and Rylee fell into step behind her.

"Oghren blew open a closed off Deep Roads tunnel. Darkspawn are pouring out of it, but we can't fight them with Sebastian's men attacking us too," Lillah huffed.

"Fucking dwarf," Anders cursed.

"Shut your pie hole, mage! I didn't give you grief for blowing up a Chantry," Oghren grunted breathlessly from behind them.

As they approached the gates of the castle, a Ferelden war horn blasted as the Royal standard came into view along with Alistair and the Ferelden Army. Alistair rushed toward them, but paused mid-stride as the roar of one of the ogres filled the courtyard. "Holy shit! They have ogres! Where the hell did they get those?" Alistair asked completely stunned.

Lillah sighed, "Oghren blew open a closed off Deep Roads tunnel."

"Fucking dwarf," Alistair huffed.

"My thoughts exactly," Anders replied.

"Who's brilliant idea was it to give the dwarf explosives?" Alistair asked.

Lillah straightened her shoulders and stared hard at Alistair. "It was my brilliant idea and if someone had been on time then maybe I wouldn't have needed to provide a distraction to rescue my cousin. Now are we going to stand here and argue semantics or are we going to kick some darkspawn arse."

Alistair grinned at her and shook his head. "Let's go get us some darkspawn."

"Hey! Wait a minute! What about me?" Sebastian asked.

Anders brows furrowed. "What about you? I believe your fate is in the Maker's hands now. We'll see at the end how much favor you actually have with him."

Alistair laughed. "I like the mage's assessment of the situation." Alistair's face then turned suddenly serious as he leaned. When he was only inches from Sebastian's face he hissed, "You might actually fair better with the darkspawn then you will with me. I warned you Sebastian, not to start trouble on Ferelden soil. This situation is your doing and I hold you fully responsible for the deaths that will occur here today."

Sebastian recoiled, "You can't be serious? You are going to leave my hands bound and leave me defenseless."

"Be grateful that we don't tie a bell around your neck and use you as another distraction," Alistair sneered.

"Does Oghren have any more of those explosives? 'Cause I'm in favor of tying that around his neck," Rylee chuckled.

Alistair paused as he looked at the scene in the courtyard; his army was battling both the Starkhaven knights and the darkspawn. He was going to lose a lot of good men senselessly. He turned back to Sebastian. "I'll cut your hands free, if you order your men to stop fighting my army and help us fight against the darkspawn."

Sebastian nodded. "I agree."

"Give the order first and then I will unbind your hands," Alistair said.

Alistair signaled for the Ferelden war horn to be blown. All heads spun in their directions. Sebastian stepped forward and yelled, "Knight of Starkhaven, for now we are united with the Ferelden army against a common foe. Stop fighting each other and battle the darkspawn."

A collective sigh of relief went up as both armies turned to face the darkspawn. Alistair turned to Zevran, "Cut Sebastian's hands free, give him a bow and then I want you to stick to him like flies on a nugs arse."

Zevran grinned roguishly at the Prince as he unsheathed his dagger. "It would be my pleasure, your Majesty."

Alistair unsheathed his sword and shield as he grinned boyishly at the group. "Let's go kick some darkspawn arse."

Together their group joined the skirmish head on. With both armies fighting collectively against the monsters. It didn't take them long to beat them back into the tunnel. Together, Anders and Lillah magically sealed the entrance.

"That will hold them for a while. I'm going to want to clear out those tunnels before we have Dwokin seal it up," Lillah stated as she turned to her Wardens. "Until reinforcements arrive from the Keep, we are going to have to stand guard at the entrance to ensure that the seals are holding up."

"Commander, I will leave twenty-five of my best men to assist you until your Wardens arrive," Alistair stated.

She smiled warmly at him, "Thank you, Alistair."

"My pleasure," Alistair said as he turned to face Sebastian who was being led by Zevran and Tess.

Alistair's demeanor immediately changed from lighthearted warden to sovereign ruler.

"Sebastian Vael, Prince of Starkhaven, the dreadful exploits that you perpetrated on Ferelden soil is an act of war and espionage and under Ferelden law your deeds gives me the right to call for your immediate execution." Alistair paused and looked at the Prince for a long moment then asked, "How do you answer these charges?"

Sebastian looked into Alistair's eyes, "I am guilty as charged."

Alistair was silent for a long moment before he replied. "And are you remorseful for your actions?"

"I am sorry that these acts were committed on Ferelden soil and that your army and citizens were involved in this grievance, but I am not sorry for tracking down the murdering abomination. His crimes must be answered for," Sebastian declared.

"I just fought beside Anders and I saw no signs that he was an abomination," Alistair stated.

"That is because he is very good at hiding his true nature until the time is right for him to enact his vengeance on innocent lives!" Sebastian declared.

Alistair was once again silent as he collected his thoughts. He then turned to Lillah, "Commander, Anders is a Grey Warden, and he falls under your command and jurisdiction. Do you view Anders as a danger to the Wardens he fights beside or to the innocent citizens of Ferelden?"

"I do not," Lillah replied confidently.

"Anders, I hereby relinquish you back to the Grey Wardens. You have broken no Ferelden laws so I cannot hold you accountable for your actions in Kirkwall. I will write the First Warden and let him know of my decision. Your fate will rest in his hands," Alistair said.

Anders bowed low, "Thank you, your Majesty."

"You, Prince Vael, on the other hand have broken numerous Ferelden laws; laws that the consequences for breaking is death. However, your heroic actions here today have proven to me that there is still honor in you, and that your own need for vengeance has led you astray. Your reasoning and actions aren't much different than Anders' and it is only by the grace of the Maker that no innocent lives were lost because of your foolish plan. That being said, you did kidnap and hold hostage a Ferelden citizen and not just any citizen, but a Champion none the less. Those actions cannot go unpunished. I hereby place a fifty thousand sovereign bounty on your head if you ever set foot on Ferelden soil again. Denerim is no more than a five day journey from any of Ferelden's major ports; to ensure that bounty hunters aren't tracking you down in Starkhaven, your head must not be more than five days old. Anders, there are ways to determine how long a head has been deceased correct?"

"Yes, your Majesty, that is correct," Anders replied.

"Good, then that is all," Alistair turned to the general of his armies. "General McTabish, please have your men escort Prince Vael and his men to Port Amaranthine immediately and make sure that they board ship leaving for Starkhaven. They are not allowed to take any of their personal possessions or weapons, but from the royal coffers please give the Prince enough money to see him and his men safely home."

The general bowed, "Yes, your Majesty." Then he turned, took Sebastian from Zev and Tess then began barking orders to his men.

Lillah smiled as she approached Alistair, "You have turned into the wise and merciful king I always knew you would be."

"I believe that you had a hand in that Lil," Alistair said with a smile. "So am I still a bastard?"

She grinned at him, "Yes, but now you're a royal, wise and merciful bastard."

Alistair grinned back, "Well that is definitely an improvement over what you called me the last time you saw me."

"And what was that?" Anders asked.

Lillah shook her head, "That is between me and Alistair."

"She called him a, 'stupid asswipe, dillhole, son of a fat nug, mother fucking bastard'. It actually brought a tear to my eye. My little mage was all grown up," Zevran chortled.

Rylee bit her lip to keep from laughing, "What happened to the sweet little mage that I use to play hide and go seek with?"

"I blame Anders," Lillah said dryly.

"Oh no, this isn't my influence. When I left you could barely say Maker's balls without turning a deep shade of red."

"Well after you left the Keep it was so boring without all of your colorful phrases so I had to improvise," Lil said defensively.

"And Maker did she improvise. After several glasses of brandy some of the names she came up with would have made even you blush, Anders," Zevran chuckled.

"I find that hard to believe, swear words never make me blush," Anders stated.

"Yes, they would. They even made Oghren do a double-take," Zevran replied.

"That fucking dwarf is a light weight when it comes to creative curse words," Anders argued.

Lillah walked up to him, with the most innocent look on her face and in completely naïve voice she said, "Stick lickin', cockass, son of a monkey fuckin' dick arse."

Anders turned bright red as everyone burst out laughing.

"I told you," Zevran said with a grin.

"Damn, Lil I'm impressed," Anders chuckled.

Since they were staying at the Castle while they dealt with this darkspawn tunnel issue, Rylee and Anders choose a room as far away from everyone as possible. They had a lot to discuss and they wanted their privacy to do it. Rylee said that she desperately needed to soak in a long bath. Anders wanted to give her the privacy that she needed, but the wait was killing him. He went to the kitchen picked out a nice bottle of Antivan wine, he managed to find some cheese that Alistair hadn't discovered and grabbed a loaf of bread. When Anders entered the room, Rylee's back was to him, but he watched as she slid one of his shirts over her head. He licked his lips as the shirt slip down her naked back and over the most luscious ass he had ever seen. Maker's breath if he had remembered that he would have been in Denerim weeks ago.

He coughed slightly letting her know he was there. She turned and smiled at him and his heart literally stopped in his chest as her still wet breasts soaked the thin material of his shirt leaving very little to his imagination. He looked away trying to stop all the blood from rushing out of head and into his other head. "Hmmm, Ry do you think you could put on another shirt over that?"

"What's wrong with what I'm wearing?" She purred as her voice grew closer. He looked up; she was only a few feet away from him and the candle light shimmered off of the wet fabric lighting perfectly her taut, pink nipples. Oh bloody hell, she was trying to kill him.

He cleared his throat, "Uhmm, I thought you and I should talk."

She smiled the most radiant smile at him and his heart flooded with love for her. "Did you mean what you said in that letter?"

"Yes!" Anders exclaimed without hesitation.

"Then that is all I need to know. The rest are just details and those can wait. I've been away from you for too long. I need you, Anders," she said softly.

That was all Anders needed to hear. He reached out for her, pulled her into his arms as his lips claimed hers in a burning rush. His tongue invaded her mouth and coaxed hers into a sinuous dance. Her mouth was soft and sweet, her body hot and supple as he crushed her against his chest. Desire, sharp and urgent, coursed through his body and she offered no resistance when he deepened the kiss as he sensuously explored her mouth.

She pulled away from him as she clutched at the bottom of his shirt and tugged it upward. "Take this off," she pleaded against his lips. Anders broke the kiss, peeled off his shirt in one fluid movement and tossed it to the floor.

Rylee ran her hand across his chest and he noticed her hand tremble. He reached up and clasped it in his hand. "Are you nervous?"

She smiled shyly, "A little."

"Why?"

"Because I'm not sure how much you remember…if anything at all," Rylee said.

Anders clasped her face in his hands, "I remember enough," Anders sighed as his mouth once again claimed hers. Rylee's taste invaded his mouth, sweet, luxurious and dark. She tasted like everything that he had ever imagined. Her tongue touched, teased and explored him until he was breathless and had to pull away for air. His lips moved across her cheek, to her jaw and down her neck as his hands slid down, cupped her bottom and lifted her up against him. She wrapped her legs around him…Holy fuck! Her hot wet core pressed against the bare skin of his stomach, his erection leapt in his trousers as what felt like every drop of blood in his body was racing to his groin.

His lips found hers again, all of his senses were enslaved by the woman in his arms. His body was humming with desire and want for her. Lost once again in the feel of her mouth he walked over to the bed. He lovingly lowered her to the bed. He looked down at her, Rylee's lips were red and swollen, her eyes dark with lust, her body trembling slightly with anticipation.

She reached up and gently traced his mouth with her finger; he pulled her finger into his mouth, sucked then gently bit her. She let out the most erotic sigh he had ever heard and his groin throbbed at the sound of her pleasure. He pulled her forward, grasped the bottom of his shirt that she wore and pulled it over her head. A groan escaped his lips as looked her exquisite body. Her breasts were full and round with succulent pink nipples that made his mouth water. Even in the dim light of the candles he could see the remnants of past battles upon her skin, but it didn't detract from her beauty, if anything it made her even more alluring because of each mark, each scar was an outward tribute to who she was. The muscles on her upper abdomen where very toned, but on her lower abdomen a tiny bump protruded out and that brought a smile to his face.

He leaned over top of her as his mouth eagerly devoured hers he slid one of his knees between her legs then eased himself beside her. He cupped her breast as his thumb slid over top the taut nipple and her body jerked against his hand. His mouth ravished hers as he evenly distributed his attention between the supple mounds as his hands caressed, squeezed and teased her. She felt incredible, but he needed to explore every inch of her. His mouth moved away from hers and she groaned with protest.

"Patience love," he moaned as his lips slid down her neck, he nipped and sucked at the dimple between her neck and shoulder, she whimpered and Anders smiled satisfactorily. He slid his body between her legs as he mouth continued its exploration of her body, he arrived at that pair of perfect breasts, his lips clamped over the one hard nipple while his hand found the other and gently pinched it, she hissed as her naked thighs instinctively wrapped around his hips, drawing him against her.

A guttural groan tore from his throat as she began to move her core against the erection that was trapped beneath his clothes and whatever was left of his sanity completely vanished. He had to have her, had to be in her or else he would go mad. She must have had the same thought as she wildly pushed at his trousers, her fingers fumbled as she tried to shove them down. He lifted his hips as he quickly rid himself of the extra layer of fabric. He settled himself once again between her glorious naked thighs as his mouth reclaimed hers. She threaded her fingers in his hair, pulling him closer as they ravenously devoured each other. Her hips pressed against him urgently begging for him to take her.

He pulled away from her for a moment, as he positioned himself at her center, he gazed into her eyes as he slowly sheathed himself inch by inch, expanding her, filling her completely. She let out a deep moan of satisfaction. Maker, she felt gloriously tight and wet. Anders rested his forehead against hers as he paused to compose himself.

Slowly, he began to move with a gentle rocking motion, he shuttered as he glided in and out of her slick walls. The friction was nearly unbearable, but he didn't want to rush this. He wanted to draw this out for both of them so he slowly moved within her in smooth strokes as the tension built between them. Her hips pressed up to meet his strides and she moaned as she picked up the pace, her hips lifting and falling as she pulled him deeper into her.

"Ry…oh Maker, you feel incredible," he moaned she replied by grasping his ass with her hands and driving him even deeper into her.

"Oh fuck…yess, Anders!"

He moaned into her throat and ear, "Ry, my Love," over and over again like a prayer as he worshiped her body with his. Anders slid his fingers between them, the tips stroking the throbbing nub, she cried out as her back arched, her fingernails clawing at his ass. He pulled his head back in order to watch her go over the edge. Fuck she was breathtaking. Her walls quaked and tightened around him, he ground his teeth together, waiting until he knew she had reached her full release before he let go. His growl was loud, feral as his orgasm crashed down on him, his vision blurred as his head spun out of control.

Anders collapsed against her, burying his face in her neck. He slid to her side, kissed her then ran his hand down her neck to her stomach. His fingers circled around the small bump; he magically reached out to the life growing inside of her and smiled. "I love you, Rylee."

She ran her fingers through his hair. "I love you too, Anders."

"A woman in your condition should not be running around with swords, fighting in battles," Anders says.

"What? You know," Rylee said.

"Yes, I know," Anders said softly.

"I'm going to kick my cousin's arse," Rylee said.

Anders laughed. "Lil didn't tell me, Ry. There are times that I may be slow on the uptake, but I am a healer. It didn't take me long to put the pieces together."

Anders continued to caress and stroke her stomach, "This child was conceived in love."

Rylee nodded yes. "This child was conceived while you were trying to save me."

Rylee nodded yes. "This child was conceived the night I found you underneath the oak tree singing a Dalish song"

Rylee's eyes went wide as she nodded yes. "I don't remember everything, Love, but I remember the important things."

Anders started to kiss his way down her neck, "I remember you."

Anders moved further down, "I remember I love you," Anders moaned as he licked at each of her breasts.

Anders moved further down as he kisses his way down her abdomen. He smiled as he felt the tiny heartbeat. "I remember being in bed with you after your mother died and us talking about starting a family together."

Rylee entwined her fingers in his hair. "I can feel our daughter's heartbeat," he said with smile.

She grinned back at him. "You know it's a girl?"

Anders nodded as he kissed her belly, "Hello little one, I can't wait to welcome you to the world."

Rylee giggled. "Maker, I've missed you Anders."

He looked up at her beautiful face; her eyes were shining with tears. "I don't deserve you, Ry, but I will spend the rest of my life bringing you and our child joy. I can't adequately express how you make me feel, but know this, Love, you have made me the happiest man alive."

Anders kissed his way back up her body, showing her slowly, passionately just how happy she had made him. With each kiss, each caress, each stroke he vowed to her to love, worship and honor her until he breathed his last breath.

* * *

><p><strong>AN – I hope that you have enjoyed Anders and Rylee's story. I enjoyed sharing it with you. **

***I wanted to thank all of the faithful readers to this story. It had a big following and I appreciate your support. **

***Hugs and kisses to everyone that took the time to share their thoughts with me. Your comments and reviews meant the world to me. They always brought a smile to my face and made my day. **

***I wanted to thank Mackillian for helping beta the first eight chapters of the story. I appreciated your insight and help.**

***Hugs, kisses and extra chocolate to the ****betalicious ****Bonkzy for being a spanktastic guest beta on this chapter. You rock, my friend!**

*** ****A big shout out, hugs and kisses to my Beta Goddess, Jinxy, for working her magic on this chapter and on all of the chapters for this story. You my friend are an angel. The halo may be tainted and the wings on a little crocked, but they still work perfectly fine! Thank you for sticking with me, I know that beta-ing two chapters a week can be a lot, so thank you from the bottom of my heart for putting up with me and standing by me. You are an awesome beta and more importantly you're an amazing friend. Thank you!**

***I have posted a new story called Just You and Me. Here is the summary: AU - The first time Anders escapes from the tower Malcolm Hawke takes him in and gives him a home. Anders quickly becomes a part of the family, but what Anders begins to feel for Kate Hawke is far from brotherly love.**

**ht tp: / ww fiction. net/s/ 7377893/1/ Just_You_and_Me (remove the spaces)**


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